A Bonus Round Of Search Term Bingo

Time again for SEARCH TERM BINGO, little babies. If you don’t know how this works, here it is: people discover this website via some of the strangest search terms one could imagine. I pluck these search terms out of obscurity and dissect them for gits and shiggles.

wisdom snake

File under, “Most awesome euphemism for penis ever.”

is it true if you pee on facial hair it grows?

True. It is, in fact, why men and women around the world often refer to me as “Old Man Peebeard,” or, “Captain Piss-Stache Of The ISS Wee Willy Whiskers.” Uhh. I mean, I assume that’s why they call me that. Anyway, the only problem is you kind of have to be like that monkey who pees in his own mouth. You’ve got to get just the right “angle of the dangle” to hit the beard properly. Wait, what’s that? I could just pee in a cup and dump that on my beard? Sure. Sure. I could do that. If I was a Communist.

do writers get paid sick days?

Hahahah! Hahaha. Hee. Ahem. Hahah. Hahahahaha! OHH HO HO HO HO woo yeah. Uhem. Ahem. Yeah. Ha. Hee. HA. HAHAHAHAHAHA. BWAAA HA HA HA HA. MWA HA HA HA GHA HA HAHA

*vomits*

*poops pants*

Man, that’s funny. That’s a good one. That’s a — a zinger.

wheres my goddam bologna sandwich?

Jesus, all right, settle down, crankypants. Did you check under the couch? Under the cushions? Is your neighborhood plagued by a known Bologna (pronounced “Ba-LO-Ney”) thief? Is it in your mouth? Your hands? Your pants? It’s got to be somewhere. Baloney sandwiches don’t just get up by themselves.

OR DO THEY.

*dramatic organ music*

girls fellating monkeys

Name of band, album, autobiography, novel, documentary, artisanal spring water brand, first child, second child, pony, spoken word poetry show, or automobile? You decide, America.

dragon age alistairs jizz

Man, I have not been keeping up with the Dragon Age downloadable content. “Alistair’s Jizz” is supposed to be a great final chapter for the character. I hear his kingly jizz sprays out and forms a dragon. A jizz-breathing dragon. True story. Happened to a cousin of mine once. Anyway, I will say though, do you think that Bioware is taking this “adult content” thing a little too far? Sure, the game was bloody and had lots of crazy fantasy-world sex — the porny D&D mystique is pretty cool and all, but a jizz-breathing dragon? Feels like they’ve crossed a line. A line written in jizz.

sometimes writing is about crapping it out

I would mock this, but damn, I gotta say: this is at times very, very true. You can do as much prep as you want. You can think real hard about it. And some days writing is just about crapping out the word count as painfully and as swiftly as you can manage. The weird thing is, it’s amazing how sometimes those days feel like crap-days, but what you really get is something better than you really expected. Of course, other days, it looks like and smells like you crap you suspected it was, but hey, hell with it, that’s why writers get nigh-infinite do-overs and take-backs.

outline two unicorns having sex

Clarification: you want a drawn outline of the two fornicating unicorns? Or, since you’re coming to me with this, I wonder: are you looking for a bulleted outline detailing the carnal peccadilloes of those two aforementioned unicorns? I guess if you were to outline it, it might look like this:

• Music begins to play (Lionel Ritchie: “Hello”)

• Unicorns begin “mating dance”

• Horns clash

• Ingestion of Spanish Fly

• Application of dragon’s hide prophylactic

• Perimeter defenses active to keep the townspeople safe

• Unicorn sidles up behind the other unicorn, whispers reassuring haiku

Well, you get the idea.

i hope my wife believes in me

She doesn’t. She emailed me yesterday. In her email, she called you a “fetid bucket of fuck-chum.” She said your manhood was “like a thread of kelp in a squirrel’s mouth flapping and flopping about, getting everything wet with its briny stink.” She said, “If he says one more goddamn word to me, I am going to eat a fistful of razor blades, Advil, and apple seeds.”

Though, to be clear, she didn’t actually say she did not believe in you.

Hm. You might be all clear, then. Carry on.

who is the poop eater?

Marketing campaigns have become so very sophisticated. First it was, “whatisthematrix.com,” now it’s “whoisthepoopeater.com.” Man, I can’t wait for this movie, whatever this movie is going to be. The Wachowski Brothers know how to put on a good show!

all the people say sisterfucker

I can confirm this. And it’s getting weird. Everywhere I turn, everyone is saying only one thing, repeatedly and loudly: “Sisterfucker.” All the people are saying it. It’s like they can’t say anything else. It’s like Being John Malkovich up in here. Well. Okay, I guess it’s like Being John Sisterfucker.

chuck wendig why you

Why I what? What’d I do now? C’mon. Don’t leave me hanging. Chuck Wendig, why you gotta be so fly? Chuck Wendig, why you so dumb? Chuck Wendig, why you keep putting hot sauce on your testicles? Chuck Wendig, why you gotta keep wearing that badger on your head? Complete the question! No, seriously. Complete it. Comments. You. Go. Do it. Don’t make me punch a kitten.

hot sauce testicles

What? Nuh-uh!

Seriously, though, don’t put hot sauce on your junk. Once, I was cutting up a Jalapeno, and I forgot to wash my hands afterward, and from that point forward, everything I touched was tainted by the angry spice of a hot pepper. I’m not saying I didn’t accidentally masturbate… okay, all right, I didn’t actually do that. But I did rub my eyes. Jesus God on a fucking jet boat, do not do that. For reals.

can dogs go to the movie theater?

You’re asking the wrong question. The correct question is, Should dogs go to the movie theater? and to that, I say, absoflogginglutely. I mean, if you people can bring your screaming infants to an R-Rated movie, then I can bring my dogs. It’s only reasonable. The movie theater these days is basically a lawless safari anyway, so why can’t I bring a gassy terrier and an old Belgian Shepherd with hip dysplasia?

dicktillion

Is this a new number? Like, “One million millions is a dicktillion?”

Or is a coquettish dance for ruined Southern women?

Some women dance the cotillion. But those not-so-fresh Southern ladies go to the dicktillion.

neti the monkey’s paw for sinus infection

I’m going to chalk this up to Google trying to figure out what you wanted and getting it really wrong. I’m hoping that what you were searching for was actually “Neti pot for sinus infection,” because seriously, you did read the story about The Monkey’s Paw right? That story ends badly enough without shoving anything like that up your damn nostrils. Eesh.

i can write a load of shit and you will eat it up

Well, given that writing is sometimes about crapping stuff out, I guess this is accurate.

e.e. cummings shit you don’t have to eat

All jokes aside, this is from a real poem. No, seriously:

“i sing of Olaf glad and big.”

how to entertain a crippled dog

Okay, this only works if you have two dogs: one crippled, the other not-so-crippled. Take the not-so-crippled one, duct tape two of his legs together — experiment with different combinations for maximum fun! — and then have the duct-taped doggy flail around the room. The crippled dog will gaze on in ironic amusement. Okay, probably not. And seriously, don’t do that thing with the duct tape, because that’s cruel. And don’t put it on YouTube so that all of us can see it. I’m sure it won’t get a million hits.

man shot friend over cornbread in alabama

Must’ve been delicious cornbread. I’d murder a friend over certain foods. Wouldn’t you? Then again, I’d murder a friend over all kinds of things. A drink of water. A sideways glance. Standing near me. Because that’s the kind of guy I am. A murderer. A serial murderer. Good times.

how can you tell if an eggplant has gone bad

Here’s an easy test.

Hold the eggplant in your hands. Raise it up in front of your eyes and gaze at it.

Is it still an eggplant?

Then it’s gone bad.