Search Term Bingo Is Your Secret Daddy

Time again for SEARCH TERM BINGO, little babies.

If you don’t know how this works, here it is: people discover this website via some of the strangest search terms one could imagine. I pluck these search terms out of obscurity and dissect them for gits and shiggles.

This is distinctly NSFW.

Please to enjoy.

descriptive words that describe a baboon

No, no, I got this. I’m a writer. This is my job. Ready? Here goes.

“Baboony.” “Baboon-esque.” “Baboonariffic.” “Baboon-flavored.” “Quasi-baboonery.” “Baboonish.” “Baboonic Plague.” “Baboondocks.” Also, the collective noun used to describe a gathering or family of baboons is a “platoon.” So, in a sentence, you might say, “I was driven from my village by a surly platoon of knife-wielding baboons — also known as the baboonic plague.”

Related: writing “baboon” over and over again drives you slowly insane, certain that words no longer make sense, assured that language is both a nonsense construct and a troublesome idea virus!

remember a gentleman always grows a beard

That is accurate. That is the test to determine the truth of a gentleman: a beard. You know how in John Carpenter’s The Thing they test everybody’s blood in those petri dishes to confirm whether or not they’re actually the titular (titter!) “thing?” Right. This is like that, except with less blood and fewer petri dishes.

All gentlemen grow beards. It is part of the Nobleman’s Edict of 1578.

However, do not make the logical fallacy and assume that beard automatically equals gent. Consider: a Tijuana donkey show is always a fun vacation-time activity, but not all fun vacation-time activities involve Tijuana donkey shows. Right? Anybody who voted for Michelle Bachmann is a jackass, but not all jackasses are Michelle Bachmann voters. See?

All gentlemen wear beards, but not all who wear beards are gentlemen.

hey fuck it its college

Dude. Bro. Right. Fuck it! It’s college. You won’t get college back. I mean, unless you’re one of those people who just can’t stop going to college — it’s like, every time you see them they’re always, “Oh, I’m going back to school to get my Doctorate in Aeronautical Caribou Design,” and then you notice the stench of Cheeto dust, cheap wine and overall poorness and it’s like, “Hey, look, a Perpetual Student.”

But seriously, that’s not the point. The point is — hey, fuck it, it’s college! You need to embrace this time. You need to go for the brass ring. Girl you like? Go for it. Internship? Take the plunge! Want to play an awesome prank and put that shiznit on Youtube? Do it up! Feel like you need to dress in the skins of prostitutes and take part in the cosmic battle of good versus evil — angels versus demons — by attacking woodland creatures in the dorm quad with that wobbly ornamental Braveheart sword you bought at the dirt mall? Hey, fuck it. It’s college! (And also possibly schizophrenia.)

vintage crazy human

Those are my favorite kind of crazy humans! Vintage whackjobs and retro lunatics. A jaunty serial killer in a top hat! A blood-covered choromaniac endlessly waltzing in his seersucker suit! A corseted hausfrau standing by her collection of fossilized dinosaur penises! Sepia-toned nutballs. Good times.

how to keep your bearded heated

Let’s assume you mean “beard” and not “bearded.”

Here’s how I keep my beard heated — I warm a tray of milk squeezed from the supple teats of an antelope, and then I hover my face over the warm tray, letting the milky steam soften my beard. But see, I’m old school. You might go high-tech and instead sew a set of handwarmers or toaster coils into your facial hair.

fat guy with short short testicles

I’m admittedly stuck on the use of the descriptor “short” to describe a testicle. Are there tall testicles? Like, do some guys have testicles as tall as, say, a pint glass? Now I’m all panicked about my possibly dwarven testes. I mean, I thought they were normal. A plenty good size. But now I’m freaked out. Should they be grippable? Like the hand-grips on a Huffy bicycle?

different types of goatees

The face can be home to a nearly infinite number of goatee-styles — consider the number of hairs that could grace one’s chin (or chinnish) area, and then consider the endless arrangements of said whiskers.

Still, I can give you a few if you’re looking for ideas:

The Amelia Earhart: Goatee shaped like an airplane. Branches of mustache form the wings. Connector bit is the fuselage. Chin whiskers are then shaped into the airplane’s tail. Bonus points if you disappear suddenly while shaving, never to return.

The Turkish Scimitar (aka the Kalij): Goatee long enough to conceal a blade. Popular in Turkish prisons. Variation includes “The Randy Shank,” which is a goatee lacquered for months with some combination of motor oil, llama spit, and fry-o-later grease. Then the goatee becomes the blade.

The Hamster Party (aka the Habitrail): Similar to the Kalij, this goatee is long, but also hollow in the center to support the obsessive-compulsive laps a hamster must run. Variation includes “The Hollow Earth,” but that’s an entire beard that’s been hollowed out, not a goatee. Also, the hollow beard must be home to dinosaurs.

The Dead Man’s Party: A goatee stolen from a dead man and glued onto your face.

The Precious (based on the goatee “Bush” by Beardfire): A single hair, at least six inches of length, must thrust from the center of one’s chin. It should smell of pomade and strawberry jam.

motivational black cock

Oh, yeah, this is the new “thing” in terms of motivational posters. I bought one that shows a giant black cock — like, bigger than a fat baby’s arm — thrusting out through a bathroom glory hole, and hanging from it is a little orange tabby kitty, and the kitty’s digging his claws in and the caption reads: Hang In There!

But I’ve also seen versions that say, Don’t Cock It Up!

white rooster fucks chicken game

Wh…? What?

what do writers do after finishing a novel?

Here’s what every novelist does after finishing a book:

1.) Drink Scotch. Half-bottle.

2.) Karate kick invisible book critics.

3.) Feel sudden shame.

4.) Weep uncontrollably.

5.) Drink rest of Scotch.

6.) Throw up on a cop.

7.) Break things.

8.) Feel surge of triumph.

9.) Throw up.

10.) Fall asleep in one’s own sick.

Repeat for like, two, three weeks.

if not yet published what do I put in my bibliography?

Draw a picture! Options include: a pirate’s parrot; a smiley face; a pot leaf; a map to secret treasure; pedobear; the Led Zeppelin logo; a motivational black cock.

clit wobble

The hot new dance that all the kids are doing based on the hot new techno song to come out of Serbia? All the cool kids are doing the “clit wobble” on the dance floor!

freelancers are hot

I know I’m a sexy beast. I mean, shit, just check me out:

I know? So hot, right? That’s clit wobble material, right there.

metaphor about karate poem

I’m not sure I’ve ever thought about metaphors that are not in poems but rather, represent poems. Also: what the fuck is a karate poem? Is that a new form of poetry? Are all the cool kids doing it? Did it come out of Serbia? These days, all the awesome shit comes out of Serbia. I’m so behind. Thank Jeebus I’m one sexy freelancer. It’s my only talent: being hot. What were we talking about? Karate poems? Yeah.

van dyke beard looks like the devil

Yep. The beard itself looks like the devil. My Van Dyke used to carry around a pitchfork and prod screaming sinners wading in a pool of pitch.

laphroaig risotto

*vomits*

I mean, umm, mmmm, that sounds delicious.

It also sounds like the name of my new band.

tree tells you to kill yourself

Okay, humor aside, that is a terrifying idea. A fucking suicide tree? That tells you to kill yourself? That is the stuff of horror fiction, my friend. I’m stealing that idea from you, whoever you may be.

kenneth motherfucking arrow

YEAAAAH! Kenneth Motherfucking Arr —

Wait. Kenneth Arrow?

Like, the Nobel Prize-winning economist?

You know what? Yes. Yeah. I support this. Let’s start a new trend. Let’s be the cool kids on this one. We need to exalt smart people in this country instead of putting dipshits up on pedestals (see: Snooki, Sarah Palin). And one way to do that is to place “motherfucking” in the middle of their names.

Here’s your job. Pick a person you admire, a person of some notable intelligence and/or accomplishment, then put that person’s name in the comments below but put “Motherfucking” (or some triumphant profanity) as their middle name.

You have your task. Go.

my beard doesn’t grow on my bottom lip

That’s because you need your lip to form a seal with your upper lip. And I don’t mean like, a fish-eating flipper-clapping seal. Dumbass, beards do not grow on lips. Because, ew. Gross.

squirrel put your nuts up

Yeah, squirrel! Put your nuts up! Put ’em up good!

This is what I say to any squirrel when I point a gun at him.

Also, it’s the debut album of my new band, Laphroaig Risotto.

legos that you build with

As opposed to LEGOs that you dance with?

lady gaga smallpox

She is the infection vector, but really, we’re not surprised, are we?

piss upload mobile ferret

Poop download stationary ermine!

Whaddya gonna say to that? Huh? Huh?

*drops mic, walks off stage*

*trips on a tangle of folding chairs, breaks ankle*

*howls in pain*