Painting With Shotguns #65

I know, I know. Didn’t I say something about not doing Painting With Shotguns every week? Well, uhh. Shut up. Who said I’m back to doing it every week? Huh? Who told you that? Was it the dwarf who hangs out at the bottom of my driveway, peddling his dwarf drugs to all the neighborhood kids? He keeps selling them little baggies of elf-cap, of brinestone dust, of brimcrack. That dwarf is causing all kinds of trouble. He’s got all the kids zoned out of their gourds. This neighborhood is going to hell in a handbasket.

Irregular Creatures: Steady As She Goes

IRREGULAR CREATURES — which has a contest going where I give away a flying cat and an Amazon gift certificate — is still jogging along. Now up to 232 sales. We’re still looking at about 2/3rds of those being with Amazon, and the remaining third coming directly from this site.

My sales at Smashwords are, well, statistically insignificant. I have sold — drum roll please — two copies over there. So, that’s nice. Not really excited by my experience there. Actually, not all that excited by their site in general. Kind of ehhh, meh, pbbt, far as a shopping experience goes.

I am also woefully unhappy with the way my ePub version looks. I haven’t seen it on a Nook — some who have it there say it looks fine. I’ve checked it out on the iPad, and to me, it looks kind of like baked ass. Not happy with Smashwords’ conversion. Played with Caliber (Calibre?) — didn’t like that, either. Now toying with Sigil, which is maybe the way to go, but it’s a slow process.

I will say this, though — I am totally digging on the “direct sale” method here at the site. I know this isn’t a long-term big business solution, but let me tell you what I like about it. If you buy the PDF from me? I put your name in a spreadsheet with your email address. And as I do updates to that PDF — which I’ve done once already — I can resend it to the entire list (which I’ve done). I can immediately push the newest version back out. I see a lot of value in selling without a mediator or distributor. Again, you can’t do big numbers that way, but it’s the closest you get to a face-to-face transaction.

Did I mention there’s a contest?

Next week, I think I’ll talk a little more about self-publishing.

I also might just get drunk and fall asleep in a bowl of Captain Crunch. So, there’s that.

A Storytelling Pandemic

This week saw the end of the “Pandemic 1.0” story experience over at Sundance (the film’s still playing). I wouldn’t count this as a post-mortem or anything, but I’m happy to toss off a couple casual thoughts:

First, yeah, I know, the opening day (and some moments throughout) saw some technical goblins and boogaboos. But even still, it was crazy to see the scripted stories and the roleplayed stories come together, and in the middle of those you had people not in Sundance coordinating with people who were at Sundance. Word from Park City was that the event was a blast there — lots of people running around and checking it out. Plus, got great press attention, too. Philly Inquirer, Wall Street Journal, Wired, and so forth. (No, I don’t know the end tallies or results yet.) And also: Kid Koala. I mean, c’mon. Kid Koala rocks.

Second, it was both a storytelling experience and experiment — it comes with an unholy host of challenges. Me, I think it played well. I got lots of comments and compliments, and I’m proud of the way the Pandemic team implemented everything. If you didn’t dig it, I am seriously sorry. But I hope you did. It was fun (if challenging) to put together. And it’s not over. This was, truly, just the opening volley.

Third, speaking of the Pandemic team — kick-ass bunch of people. From the writers (who I listed last week) to people like Zak Forsman, Janine Saunders, Mark Harris, and Nick Childs. And, obviously, Lance Weiler for being the visionary madman storytelling architect behind the whole thing. And Ted Hope (our feature producer) for writing a kick-ass blog post about the whole enchilada.

It was pretty awesome what the team was able to accomplish.

Naked Golden Dudes

So, I guess the Oscars got announced. And, I guess as a movie dude, I should comment.

The Oscars are always kind of a mixed bag, right? On the one hand, I’m excited that it’s a night to celebrate film. It’s my version of the Superbowl. I’ll watch the whole thing. And, like the Superbowl, I’ll marvel that there’s too many goddamn commercials and the whole thing is taking way too long. The night also often opens people’s eyes to films they might not have seen otherwise (like, say, last year’s Hurt Locker).

On the other hand, I also know it’s at least a little bit silly. Lots of great movies won’t ever get the attention they deserve from the Oscars. Little movies and big movies alike will find only ignorance from the Academy and its arcane practices of nominating and voting.

Regardless, hey, here’s my thoughts. I’m not going to do one of those Should Win / Will Win breakdowns, because, well, you see those everywhere. Every film blogger does it. Hell, you should go check your own blog right now. You might have, in some kind of catatonic fugue state, done your own insidious list. They’re like roaches, these lists. I saw this homeless guy the other day, and he had a sign that broke down the Should Win / Will Win Oscar predictions. My dogs have their own prognostications. (The big dog wants Pauly Shore to win Best Director. For what, I dunno. He’s a dog. He’s not very smart.)

Instead, here’s a random smattering of Oscar-flavored feelings.

I loved the shit out of Black Swan, so I’m happy that’s getting some love. I would love to see Natalie Portman secure best actress. Her descent into madness (from a starting point of obsession) was superb.

Still, though, if you gave it to Jennifer Lawrence from Winter’s Bone, I wouldn’t fault you. In fact, two of the year’s best crime films — Winter’s Bone and Animal Kingdom — are getting a little love this year. If you’ve not seen either, then you will live a doomed, cursed existence until you rectify that. I’ve just cast a hex on you. A cinematic mojo hex. That shit just happened. You better get to stepping.

John Hawkes. Oscar nomination. Fuck yes.

I agree more or less with Marty Henley (aka MC Henley, aka MC Scat Cat, aka one half of the world’s biggest black man) that Toy Story 3 won’t possibly win Best Picture but it’s a shoe-in for Animated which kind of belabors the reason to even have animated. I’d argue somewhat the opposite, though, where I’d actually like to see Oscar have categories for Best Comedy, Best Drama, etc. to widen the field and allow room for some films that might never make it to the vaunted Best Picture category.

Also, I’ll agree that Toy Story 3 is sometimes really creepy. I liked it, but it’s my least favorite of the three Toy Story films. Gives off a distinct nihilistic Requiem For A Dream vibe. For reals.

How To Train Your Dragon is probably the inferior film. That said, it’s also the one I prefer — like, by a thousand miles. That flick, along with Easy-A, snuck up on me and became a fast favorite.

The lack of Christopher Nolan in the Best Director category stinks of moldy vagina.

I never thought I’d see Trent Reznor get an Oscar nod.

That is all.

Whiskey Fiction

I am, at present, drinking Balvenie Doublewood.

And in my slightly goofy Scotchy haze, I am convinced that if I were to write a series of short stories while drunk on whiskey, it would be the best thing ever and I would sell millions.

This is pure whimsy.

This is the Scotch talking.

Which makes me think that whiskey is a parasite that controls brain chemistry.

A delicious, wonderful, warm and caramelly brain parasite.

Mmmmm. Brain parasites.

And Then There’s This