Chuck Wendig: Terribleminds

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I Don’t Usually Like To Respond To Negative Reviews, But…

Okay, so I don’t usually recommend that authors respond to negative reviews. (I probably shouldn’t even be responding to this one, but when did I ever take my own advice? DO AS I SAY NOT AS I DO, KIDS.) Authors don’t have much to gain from highlighting negative reviews, though sometimes negative reviews are themselves incentivizing in terms of selling the book for you (“I hate how every time I open the book it dispenses free liquor and cookies and I hate liquor and cookies!”) I mean, reviewers have every right to not like a book for whatever reason. Even if that reason seems ‘wrong’ to the author, hey, whatever. This isn’t academic criticism. This is the Internet. Open to whomever to say whatever.

And even the review I’m about to showcase — which is a review for my upcoming YA, Under the Empyrean Sky — is a review that the reviewer has every right to maintain. This person doesn’t like certain things, hey, so be it.

Oh, also, as a caveat, this is not not not a winking nudgey unspoken suggestion for you to go all Internet Crusade on this reviewer. Author-led pitchfork mobs are creepy and constitute a kind of low-grade bullying and I’m not a fan — I just think this review offers up some stuff I wanna talk about. Please don’t go and respond or start shit with this reviewer. Kay? Kay.

So, the review:

“I was totally looking forward to this book as the plot sounded very interesting with the genetically modified corn angle. I almost stopped reading after just a few pages because I found the language extremely offensive. The teen lingo used by Cael and friends ruined this book for me. It wasn’t just a word here or there but very extensive in the first part. It does ease up as the book progresses but yuck! Could’ve been cleaned up and then very enjoyable as the plot is good.

The teen sexual content I also found offensive and with the language and sexual content I can’t recommend this book to anyone unless they especially are looking for that flavor of writing. This is the kind of book that kids read and think… well everyone’s doing it…. when they’re NOT. Not talking like that and not the other stuff as well.

[cutting one sentence due to a very light spoiler]

If 4% of the population is truly gay, I find it very contrived to find so many gay characters appearing all of a sudden. It’s only unique for the first how many times?”

So.

Let’s talk a little bit about this book.

It has some profanity in it. Some of this profanity is of the “made-up” variety. Like, there’s a parlance these characters use in this world — they might say “Lord and Lady,” or “Jeezum Crow,” for instance. But they also use some mild profanity — crap, piss, ass, shit. (I don’t recall if I drop the f-bomb in here, but let’s all remember that PG-13 movies let you get away with one good f-bomb per film, by gosh and by golly.)

It has some sex in it. Mostly sex by suggestion — I’m not writing hardcore teen orgies. It’s sex painted by negative margins — more about what’s inferred rather than what’s explicitly described.

Further, the “gay character” thing. Yeah. I don’t know what the percentage of gay people in the world is, and in this case, I don’t much care — I think it helps to make sure that writers are thinking about characters who don’t all live on Heteronormative White Dude Mountain, and I wanted this character to be gay and it made sense to have that in the world and to make it reflect a part of the world (boys and girls in my sunny dustbowl dystopia are forcibly married off at the age of 17, and purely in heterosexual couplings).

Thing is, I think young adult books should reflect what it’s like to be a young adult.

I remember being a teenager. It was fucked up.

That time is frequently painted with this rosy kind of nostalgic glow (“These are the best times of your life”), but dude, dude, that’s so not true. It’s hard. Your brain is a cocktail of anger and sadness and lurching sexual need and confusion and fear and freedom and giddy anarchic expression. You’re still half-kid but now you’re also half-adult and nobody knows how to treat you — more kid or more adult? And just when they treat you like an adult you still prove you’re half-kid and when they treat you like a kid you show them how you’re capable of being an adult.

Throw that all into the context of an agricultural dystopia and… well.

Just a head’s up, Parents Who Think Their Kids Are Chaste Little Angels —

Teens have sex. Teens curse.

And that’s reflected in the book.

It’s a book I want adults to like, but it’s a book I want teens to read. And that means speaking all that pesky “teen lingo” (?!). YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, PRUDISH HUMANS.

Anyway!

A few more quick tidbits on the book —

The book has a new tagline:

FEAR THE CORN. And everything that floats above it.

It also has a Booklist review:

The first book in Wendig’s Heartland trilogy sets the stage. Flotillas, peopled by the wealthy Empyreans, float above the Heartland, allowing the lowly Heartlanders to grow only Hiram’s Golden Prolific corn. This monstrous crop has taken over everything, leaving deformed, malnourished farmers and their families to survive on the government’s stingy handouts. Eighteen-year-old Cael and his longtime enemy Boyland and their crews are constantly pitted against one another, striving to earn the title of best scavengers. When Cael discovers an amazing row of real garden fruits and vegetables, he unearths not only a possible death sentence for him and his friends but also torture for his family and other Heartlander citizens. It’s a tense dystopian tale made more strange and terrifying by its present-day implications. The Heartland teens understand that they are pawns in the hands of the powerful, fed an insidious combination of hope and coercion to keep them all under Empyrean control. Escape only brings retribution to their families and friends. Cael has two more books to conquer this perversity, and it will be interesting to see how he does it.

Finally, I don’t think I listed this blurb the last time I talked about the book, but —

“Wendig brilliantly tackles the big stuff—class, economics, identity, love, and social change—in a fast-paced tale that never once loses its grip on pure storytelling excitement. Well-played, Wendig. Well-played.” —Libba Bray, author of the Gemma Doyle Trilogy, Going Bovine, and The Diviners

(Holy crap! Libba Bray! If you have not read The Diviners, holy shit, fix that, stat.)

The book comes out July 30th.

Preorder: Amazon / B&N / Indiebound

UNDER THE EMPYREAN SKY

Flash Fiction Challenge: The Last Line Of A Story

Last week’s challenge: “Down The TV Tropes Rabbit Hole.”

This week’s challenge is short and simple — though perhaps not easy.

I want you to come up with the final sentence of a story.

One sentence. The last line.

Shorter is better than longer. No more than, say, 50 words, please.

Drop the line right in the comment section below.

By next Friday I’ll pick five that I really like and hand out some Digital Swag.

Then we’ll take those five and use them in the next challenge.

Y’dig? Y’dug? Y’DO IT.

Tweet #100,000 (Or: “The Terribleminds Guide To Life”)

I may have some kind of parasite. Some little blue-bird buried into my brainmeats, whose incessant chirps drive me to tweet endlessly anon.

Anyway. Monday night came around and I was leading up to Tweet #100,000, and I was already a little goofy on ice cream and bee’s knees cocktails, so I figured I’d launch into a kind of the first ten pieces of wisdom that fall out of my upended buckethead. 

For those that missed this on Twitter come Monday night, well.

Here y’go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Search Term Bingo Peed In Your Gas Tank

So, if you don’t know the drill, here it is: I periodically collect the strange search terms people use to get to terribleminds. Then I list them here and add, erm, “commentary.”

Please to enjoy.

selfpublishing is for losers

YEAH. SELF-PUBBERS DROOL, TRAD-PUBBERS RULE WOOOOO

*vomits in a potted plant*

Self-publishing is for losers, sure.

Happy, independent, occasionally wealthy losers.

when writing a zombie novel how long should a girl’s hair be

Whoo. Man. Holy shitbadgers.

That’s a tough fucking question. This is the kind of writing problem that the greats have struggled with — Tolkien, Tolstoy, Dan Brown, E.L. James, that one guy who wrote the Bible.

But I think it’s time someone took a stand on this question. I generally think that writing advice is a YMMV IMHO situation, but this? This has to be dealt with once and for all.

In a zombie novel, a girl’s hair should be 17 inches.

There. It’s done. I’ve made the rule. Bulletproof. Insurmountable. TRUTH.

*drops mic*

*falls into the orchestra pit*

*is eaten by tuba zombies*

woobly fat

I don’t know what this means. It’s probably some NSA code word. “Project: Woobly Fat is on deck, Sinister Star Chamber Overlord.” Does the NSA have a Sinister Star Chamber? They jolly well should. All I know is, “Woobly Fat” is a phrase I want to say again and again. It’s fun to say. It has great mouthfeel. Woobly fat. Woobly fat. Woobly fat. It can’t lose all meaning because it had no meaning to begin with. Woobly fat. Woobly fat. Tuba zombies. Tuba zombies.

fuck your fucking fantasy novel

YEAH SERIOUSLY FUCK IT. FUCK YOUR PIECE OF SHIT FANTASY NOVEL WITH ITS ELVES AND, AND, AND YOU KNOW, IT’S ELVES. ALL THOSE HOBBITS RUNNING AROUND PLAYING HOBBIT GRAB-ASS. WHAT A DUMB BOOK YOU WROTE. FUCK IT WITH A BIG OL’ DRAGON DONG THAT’S HOW MUCH I HATE IT. OR MAYBE I LOVE IT AND THAT’S WHY I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO IT. I DON’T KNOW. I JUST HAVE A LOT OF ANGER OVER THIS ISSUE FOR SOME REASON. I THINK I HAVE PTSD OVER THE RED WEDDING. PLUS THAT GUY TAKES LIKE A GLACIAL EPOCH BETWEEN BOOKS. I’M SORRY I GOT MAD AND SAID THAT THING ABOUT YOUR FANTASY NOVEL. IT’S PROBABLY REALLY GOOD. AND ELVES ARE PRETTY RAD SOMETIMES.

I’M GOING TO STOP YELLING NOW.

SEND MORE ELVES.

THANK YOU.

is the sludge that comes out of our bodies normal?

Completely and utterly normal. Here’s a tip: every morning, just purge the sludge. This is easy to do. Stand in your bathroom on a tarp. Naked, of course, unless you want to permanently stain your clothing with the treacly grease that you’ll push from your pores! Ha ha ha! Anyway. Squat down. Grit your teeth and tense your body. Think hard about something pleasant: your first kiss, the sound of the ocean, the war-screams of a band of howler monkeys. Soon the sludge will begin to leave your body. It will push out of your ears, your eyes, your no-n0-hole, your armpits, from the tips of your fingers and toes, from beneath your vented gill-flaps, from your seven nipples, from your lashing tubules. The sludge will be a thick, black, silty ooze — the kind of gunk you might find under a sick elephant’s genitals. It will smell like dead raccoon. Again: this is all very normal. No worries. Do not consult a health care professional. SO NORMAL.

random bullshit generator

A pretty accurate description of this website. Well-played, Internet User.

aspiring cock

Is the cock aspiring to be something? Like, a rock star? Or a poet? “My cock is an aspiring pianist.” Or is someone aspiring to be a cock? Like, is this just a polite way of saying someone’s trying to become a real dickhead? “Ah, Jerry? Yes, Jerry’s an aspiring cock. If he keeps acting like that he’ll have achieved his goals in no time.”

tantric sex tube

Damnit, someone leaked the name of my memoir.

what if a protagonist has a bad anus

You know, in writing, it is important to give your protagonist a problem, and here it seems you have done that by giving them a “bad anus.”  What, however, defines a “bad anus?”

Like, is it broken? Blown out like the elastic in a pair of stretched-out underwear?

Maybe it’s just an anus that went wrong somehow? Like it walks the old railroad tracks smoking cigarettes and drinking schnapps out of a brown paper bag while spraypainting graffiti on all the derelict trains? “That’s one bad anus. The system failed and now look at it. Thanks, Obama.”

Or is it a malevolent anus? Some demon-possessed sphincter belching crass, heretical gases into the world? Could this anus actually be the antagonist? That’ll be this week’s flash fiction challenge: “Write 1000 words about a man whose nemesis is his own demonic butthole.”

LITERARY GOLD MOTHERFUCKERS.

fuck you i have a beard

This is a great answer to all the questions you don’t want to answer.

Q: “How do I get to I-95 from here?”

A: “Fuck you, I have a beard.”

Q: “What’s your problem, dude?”

A: “Fuck you, I have a beard.”

Q: “When are you going to pay your rent?”

A: “Fuck you, I have a beard.”

Q: “Why are you pooping in my glove compartment?”

A: “Fuck you, I have a beard.”

how do you write non-grafic sex?

We’ll just ignore the misspelling there and focus on the content of the question.

Sex is, by its nature, graphic. I’m not saying you have to highlight every throbbing vein, every ingrown hair, every orifice intrusion — but, I mean, writing non-graphic sex is fairly antithetical to the nature and act of sex, dontcha think? Whatever. Fine. You wanna do it, and I can’t stop you, so here is my particular advice for this question:

Be really, really vague.

Like, so vague that nobody’s sure if the two characters even had sex.

“Her hand drifted toward the space on his body that could be identified by its skin. He moaned and moved against her. Their tongues did something. Their bodies reacted. They were coupled together in synchronicity. Something was turgid. Another something was damp. She did that thing. He did that other thing. Then she had a baby and he took a shower.”

Damn, even that got a little graphic.

motherfucker cookies bacon

I see you speak the language of my people. Let us sup together and speak legends of the motherfucker cookies bacon. Then together we may fight the bear.

how many minities can you stay after endjaculation?

I CAN STAY SEVEN MINITIES AFTER ENDJACULATION BEEP BOOP BEEP

Because seriously, that question sounds like a robot trying to understand us but kinda failing. (In fact, I’d argue a lot of spam seems like robots trying to figure us out.) Like, somewhere out there is some monitor-headed automaton plugged into the Internet constantly reaching out toward humanity and failing to connect: DEAR HYOOMAN HOW MANY MINITES CAN YOU STAY AFTER ENDJACULATION? I STAY SEVEN MINITIES. I PREEFER SEX WITH TELEVISIONS WHO DO YOU LIKE TO ENDJACULATE WITH? PLEESE LET US GAZE AT P0RN0 TWOGETHER HOW MANY POUNDS OF HAMBURGLARS DO YOU EAT? IS THE SLUDGE THAT COMES OUT OF OUR BODIES NORMAL? WOOBLY FAT! TUBA ZOMBIES. PLEASE WRITE BACK. THE END. BYE.

how antagonists can love jesus

I don’t even.

what type of computer does chuck wendig use?

I use a Florgtron 9009. With dual-adjustible chin-straps.

i want to pirate chuck wendig’s books

Th… thank you? Fuck you? I don’t know. I guess I hope you like them? But that they also maybe give you and your computer syphilis? I’m very conflicted.

i want your eggs

All right, fine, you pirate my books, whatever, but I draw the line at eggs. These are my eggs. I bought these eggs. I’m going to eat the fuck out of these eggs. You can’t have them. You’re probably just going to ruin them. You don’t know how to cook an egg. You’re so stupid. I hate your face. GET OFF MY EGGS. *burns your house down preemptively*

the fleshmine

This was the name of my erotic BBS in 1992.

paula deen angry bees

Paula Deen is in fact where angry bees come from. She opens her rubbery maw and — after the hot gush of sizzling butter finishes falling over her chin — the angry bees release. As the bees sting her enemies to death, she calls someone the N-word while scooping big mitt-fuls of mayonnaise in her faceholes. She’s a southern peach! A precious national treasure.

alot of fuckery going through my head

Then you might make a good writer.

Of Authors And Indie Bookstores

So, the other day, I locked Rebecca Schinsky in a meat freezer in Dover, Delaware so I could steal her role as co-host for the Bookriot podcast this week.

(That would be podcast Numero Ocho on this list.)

During this lovely podcast, where I only accidentally dropped the f-bomb once (eep oops sorry), we discussed this Bookseller piece: “Anger Over Authors’ Links To Amazon.” This article has a UK spin but the idea here is pretty universal: bookstores are saying, “Hey, authors and publishers, you say you care so much about us and how vital we are, it’d be really sweet if you linked to us on your author pages and if you don’t you’re a stinky poo-poo diaper face.”

I may have ad-libbed that a little bit.

I spoke about it on Twitter last week and it generated some interesting (if confusing) agita from authors specifically about how they don’t have a favorite indie bookstore near them and who should they even link to and goddamnit I’m not taking away my Amazon links.

The money shot from the article seems to be:

“The reason he has not linked to one through his website is because unfortunately, he doesn’t have an independent bookseller where he lives, otherwise he would link to it,” she said.

First comment: hello, myopic. Do you assume that all your readers live where you live?

Second comment: hey, I get it. Lotta bookstores out there. Indie bookstores aren’t as proliferate as they once were, but let’s assume there are still “a lot” of them out there.

You don’t have to link to them all.

You just have to link to Indiebound:

http://www.indiebound.org

Or, if you’re one of those UK across-the-ponders, Hive:

http://www.hive.co.uk

Nobody is asking you to stop linking to Amazon. (Well, okay, some indies have an understandable hate-boner for Amazon, and they would probably be happy if you pulled Amazon links — I mean, we’re talking full-bore Snoopy Dance here.) By the black gods of Greyskull, do not pull your Amazon links. For better or for worse that’s how people want their books and if you delete those links you’re going to be leaving money on the table.

But! But but but, don’t leave off the indie link, either. Indie bookstores are vital. The best of them connect authors and readers and foster a book-lover’s community in a way that Amazon never can and never will. They can compete with Amazon on a level that Amazon will never understand — like insurgent freedom fighters pushing back a militarily-superior enemy. Indie bookstores will handsell the holy hell out of your books. They are active agents promoting things they love and authors they dig — they are not the passive Amazon recommendation engine. They’re people! Who love books! Maybe your books! How is that a bad thing?

So: link to Indiebound, will ya? And if you have a favorite indie bookstore, link to them, too. (Even better: foster with them a relationship where you can provide  a value-add for readers via that store. Say, a buttload of signed books only available through Said Favorite Indie?)

Now, a caveat: I’m not saying indie bookstores are awesome by dint of them being indie bookstores. I’ve heard tale of some real asshats amongst the indie bookstore world, and have encountered more than a few myself. I’ve been treated like a real douchesponge by a few indie stores. And I’ve heard some horror stories among other writers that their signings at indies got them no support and the booksellers were in fact a little hostile. This is why you gotta love stores like Mysterious Galaxy, or one of my own local stores, the Doylestown Bookshop. (Both of whom pulled out the stops when it came to my author events there and who were friendly and accommodating and brimming with sheer liquid awesome.) Hell, did you see the Wendig Wall of Wicked Wonderfulness at Riverrun Bookstore in Portsmouth, NH?!

Great bookstores are critical curators and know to embrace authors — you know, those pesky assholes who write all these silly books.

So now I ask:

Who are your favorite bookstores?

Where are they?

Why do you love ’em?

Scream it out loud.