Apple Review #37: Lucy Rose Vs Lucy Glo

So here’s where we’re at in APPLETOWN — I’ve still got a half-dozen or so reviews to fire off here, though for most of them I’ve done videos over at Instagram. And I’m hoping to get a couple more apples yet from the local orchard (their Goldrush was running weirdly late this year), and I’ll also probably scurry about the grocery store like a weird apple-eating spider to see if I can pick up any varieties I’ve yet to review here.

That said, for the most part, I’ll probably skip the pontificating preamble for most of these and just jump right into the review. It’s the holidays, I’m busy, you’re busy, and October was heavy on the apple content, so I think there’s a value-add in me just cutting to the fucking chase and throwing my apple reviews at your face. Which rhymes. I am an apple poet; grapple with my pro wit. Boom. Drop the mic. On my foot. Why did I drop the mic. That was a bad idea. Oh god what did I do to my toe. Mistakes were made. I should stick to eating apples, no more of this foolish rhyming business.

All right.

Today, we have a two-fer —

Two apples that blush from the inside, with pinkish-reddish flesh — that, due to the anthocyanins inside the apple, which can be a function of the apple variety, but also goosed by exposure to the sun, and further, increased by how many human sacrifices you have laid at the base of the tree while wassailing the orchard in ancient song and apple hymn.

How do these two APPLE SIBLINGS compare?

My review of a Lucy Rose from Sprouts, early December:

My memory of this apple was that, as the name suggests, it was very very rose-forward. But the apple I ate now was no such thing.

In fact, the flavor of this apple would be “long-chewed bubblegum.”

The bite was, up front, incredibly, profoundly juicy — I hesitate to be weird and gross and call this apple a squirter, but I’m going to go ahead and do it anyway because honestly, if I’m not a little weird and a little gross, who even am I? But seriously, the juice from this thing was unparalleled — a drippy apple, salivating so much I think its kind was wanting to be eaten.

(Seriously, watch the video if you don’t believe me.)

Problem is, the juice is… watery. There’s not a lot of there there. The skin was tough. The floral bubblegum flavor faded so fast I’m not sure it was ever there. It occasionally flirted with the taste of pennies, which made me think I’d bitten my lip or something while eating it? The crunch was admitted satisfying — like biting into the skull of a long-held foe. But the meh flavor coupled with a long chew and a weird aftertaste made this less fun for me.

Oh! Oh, and it’s supposed to be all red and awesome inside but it was mostly white with like, light stains of pink, which makes it look biological. Like something you’ll pull out of a medical waste bin.

Not great. Let’s go 2.0 and call it a day.

(By the way, I know my photo there sort of sucks. Which matches the apple! Because the apple also sucked! Parity and parallel structure, baby.)

Lucy Rose: Pre-chewed bubblegum, yet alarmingly wet

My review of a Lucy Glo from Sprouts, late November:

So, the Lucy Rose sucked.

Presumably, the Lucy Glo also sucks?

WELL, YOU’D BE WRONG. It’s like the saying goes:

IF YOU PRESUMABLY YOU MAKE A PRES OUT OF U AND MABLY.

I mean, I think the’s the saying? Whatever.

So — the Lucy Glo stands in stark contrast to her far weaker sister.

What I found here was a refreshing pink lemonade-tasting, raw-red-innarded, Lemonheads-sour apple with a cider vinegar tingle in the throat — it was a little crunchy but just the right kind of soft where the flesh starts strong but then quickly goes cotton candy, not lingering longly in the mouth. The flavor goes down with the ship, which is what you want with any apple.

It’s more sour than sweet, and I think more candy sour than citrus sour?

But it’s great! Really great. Only thing to ding it, I think, was there was a papery finish and aftertaste to it — it’s like the taste in my coffee if I don’t rinse the brown paper filters before hand, that paper taste carries over. Except here, no paper existed, but it still tastes that way.

Truly a surprising grocery store apple, and though the outside is middlingly ugly (kind of a sicky-blush), the inside was pink-red-pretty. The kind of innards a serial killer would admire, probably.

Let’s call it a 7.9 — allllllmost an 8, but just shy.

Behold me chomping on the apple.

Lucy Glo: The superior Lucy, tastes of Lemonheads, with flesh that would appeal to Hannibal Lecter probably