Apple Review #28: Rhode Island Greening

Rhode Island! A nice state with a perfectly pedestrian, run-of-the-mill, mediocre state fruit: the Rhode Island Greening apple. I’d much rather they choose as their state fruit a truly gonzo choice, like their (in)famous New York System Wieners, a greasy hot dog in a steamed bun topped with a mysterious meat sauce, chopped onions, and I dunno, probably ground up sailor’s teeth or something. A gastronomical delight, and also may cause anal leakage. Have one of these with a nice cold coffee milk and kick the apple to the curb.

Or better yet, save it for a pie. See, not every apple is for eating out of hand. Many aren’t! Nor should they be! Arguably, I’m contributing to the ruination of our agricultural output because I’m over here reviewing every apple for how desserty it is, how good of a snack it ends up being, but some apples are snacks, some are pies, some are saucey, some are for cider, and some are for DOING EVIL. And that’s okay! Make the pie! Do the evil! But sadly, I’ve dedicated myself to the act of eating apples and telling you how good they are when rawdogged. And yes, I’m also part of the problem in watering down the meaning of the word “rawdogging.”

(Last night, while carving pumpkins, my son asked me if I was doing a specific design or what, and I just said, “Nah, I’m gonna rawdog it.” To which my son said, “Ah yes, unprotected pumpkin sex.” Children are a true joy, and I say that with zero irony.)

Anyway, let’s do this.

My review of a Rhode Island Greening apple, Scott Farm (VT), late-Oct:

I already spoiled this a little by saying, “Hey, some apples just aren’t for eating out of hand,” aaaaaand yeah, that means this apple.

Listen, I had one a little earlier in the season, and it was pretty unpleasant — tart, dry, a light lemon-elderflower taste, ultimately just a huge chore to get through. I didn’t review it at the time, and should have, but just as life finds a way in Jurassic Park, I live in Real People Park, where life gets in the way.

So, this was my second sample of the apple, and it was better.

Not like, crazy better, but better.

It was not a total chore to get through, and that lemon-elderflower taste become more overall effervescent and refreshing. It was finely-grained, and fairly crisp. The second example was juicier than the first. I’ve heard these keep for a while, and when they do, they develop better flavor, though still remain pretty mild.

I didn’t hate it. But it gets some cred, I guess — it’s one of the oldest apples in America, though for the oldest apple, I’ll be reviewing that tomorrow. (Spoiler: it’s the Roxbury Russet.) This one, though, dates back to the 1600s, grown by a fella named John Green of Green’s End, and I am 100% sure that this is referring to the author John Green, who is surely a time-traveler. I mean, he kind of has a time-traveler vibe, that guy. There is a wisdom to his eyes, and he’s clearly very smart, so I totally believe he’s capable of not only building a time machine but also using it to travel back through the centuries to give us a weird cool apple. The Rhode Island Johngreening.

Hank Green, also a time traveler, probably? (Also, Hank did a very good video about an older, now-largely-inaccessible banana, the Gros Michel, and whether it did or did not contribute to the banana flavor you find in candy. It mostly doesn’t, that’s a myth, but he did then help identify what the flavor is that goes into those candies from bananas: isoamyl acetate. And sometimes I’ve noted that there are bananas that taste not like banana, per se, but banana runts, and so then I looked up isoamyl acetate and apples, and sure enough, apples got it, too. And some have more of it, especially as they ripen! Which explains a bunch of stuff. Though you’re also free to believe in the INTELLIGENT DESIGN THEORY OF GOD PUTTING BANANA RUNTS FLAVOR INTO THINGS BECAUSE GOD REALLY LOVES BANANA RUNTS.)

Anyway. Still not an amazing apple eating raw. Or raw-dogging. Whatever.

Call it a 2.7 and head on home.

I eat it here, and also my dog makes an appearance if that’s your thing.

Rhode Island Greening: If pie, yes, if not pie, no

Reviews so far this year: Honeycrisp, Sweetie, Crimson Crisp, Knobbed Russet, Cortland, Maiden’s Blush, Cox’s Orange Pippin, Reine des Reinettes, Ingrid Marie, Hudson’s Golden Gem, Holstein, Suncrisp, Ashmead’s Kernel, Opalescent, Orleans Reinette, Black Gilliflower, Red Delicious Double Feature, Jonathan, Ruby Mac, Crimson Topaz, Esopus Spitzenburg, Mutsu, Hunnyz, Winesap, Stayman Winesap, Winter Banana, Ribston Pippin