Apple Review #22: Mutsu

Expectations are poisonous. I believe that. I think our experiences can be colored by our expectations that precede that experience. I don’t think we can help it, necessarily — a lot of our lives are preloaded with information before we ever get to submit to a given experience. Movie previews, book reviews, comments from friends, previous experiences with similar things, and so forth. Still — there’s nothing like going in blind. I love knowing almost nothing about a book or a movie before I sit down and take the ride.

And I like that too when I’m about to eat an apple. Unfortunately, this time, I didn’t get that — I actually had some pre-installed expectations because I’ve had a lot of people over the years tell me they want me to review this apple: the Mutsu, a Japanese apple also called the Crispin. They have routinely expressed that it’s their favorite, that I need to review it or they will hunt me with bow and arrow in the woods, the dark dark woods. Maybe nobody said that to me. I have vigorous dreams, so maybe it was one of those. But people have asked, and so I got me one of these big-ass green-ass apple-boys, and so, I went in thinking, okay, this is going to be something.

Was it? Was it something?

My review of a Mutsu apple from Manoff Orchard (PA), late-Oct:

It absolutely was something! In the sense that, sometimes a thing happens and it’s weird or fine and you sarcastically say to your cohort standing nearby, “Well, that was something.” This apple was that. It sure was something.

It’s huge, I can say that much up front. It’s an apple with its own gravity. It’s own atmosphere. And it is very, very green — it’s the green of not a green apple but a candy’s idea of a green apple. My apple (which you can see me eat here) had a scar on it, like it was in a bar fight. Pretty sure on the other side of the apple was an eyepatch and a tattoo of his apple mother.

I say now, I’m sorry. I’m sorry! For those who wanted me to review this:

I’m genuinely sorry.

I did not love this apple.

I started eating it and felt, okay, this is a six out of ten, probably, but as I kept eating it, the score kept dropping and dropping.

It’s juicy, so that’s nice.

It’s the size of a soccer ball, which is less nice.

It has pear vibes, which I like.

Then it follows up with unripe green banana energy, which I do not like.

It’s crispity-crunchity: good!

But after the juice explodes in your face and then is gone, so is the flavor, and what you’re left with is the distinct feeling of eating wood pulp: not so good.

It’s more sweet than tart. I’ll bet it’s a helluva baking or sauce apple. And it’s not a bad eating apple. It’s just not a good eating apple.

Sorry, Mutsu. I don’t mean to slag on you, you big beefy nuclear green lad, you giant jawbreaker, you pulpy chewy Yoda boulder.

Actually, that’s a new tongue twister if you want it: PULPY CHEWY YODA BOULDER. Five times fast, get on it.

I’m gonna call this a 4.3 out of 10. That’s all I can give you, Mutsu.

Mutsu: Dim-witted Hulk-Shrek-born hellbaby, good for pie or tumbling down a sharp hill toward a fleeing archaeologist

Reviews so far this year: Honeycrisp, Sweetie, Crimson Crisp, Knobbed Russet, Cortland, Maiden’s Blush, Cox’s Orange Pippin, Reine des Reinettes, Ingrid Marie, Hudson’s Golden Gem, Holstein, Suncrisp, Ashmead’s Kernel, Opalescent, Orleans Reinette, Black Gilliflower, Red Delicious Double Feature, Jonathan, Ruby Mac, Crimson Topaz, Esopus Spitzenburg