Apple Review #2: Sweetie

Today, a real clown nose of an apple: New Zealand’s Sweetie. It’s small and red and sucks. I’d love to leave my review right there but fine, I’ll go deeper.

It’s a Gala x Braeburn situation. Two apples I like well enough, but it’s like when two people you think are great get married and have a child you hate. Two wonderful people sometimes produce a real dickhead, you know? This pair of perfectly nice apples came together and had an annoying little fuckbaby of a fruit — a long and lop-sided little munchkin drunk who is shitty and I don’t like it. No sir. Not one bit.

My review of the Sweetie, bought late Sept, Manoff Orchard in PA:

It looks cute, this apple. Like a sheepnose Black Gilliflower. It’s a punchy pink-red with a green blush and a waxy sheen to the skin and you know, fuck this apple. I wanted to like it! I did! But it’s:

a) way too fucking sweet, absolute sub-acid sugar cube madness

and

b) way too fucking chewy; the apple flesh itself is juicy but has a kind of dull-witted crunch to it, but the skin, the skin, man it’s like eating wax paper, like chewing a mouthful of fortune cookie fortunes, it’s very unpleasant to eat

I found little complexity in the taste — maybe a hint of vanilla. But otherwise, it’s just sugar. Just sweet. And not even in an overwhelming or interesting way. If you want a rock candy version of fruit, you can get sweeter apples, so this apple isn’t even really bringing the full force of its name? It’s a Judas apple, just Red Delicious — seething with the squirming worms of deception.

As for the eating itself, well. The first breaking bite felt fine, as did the subsequent chew, but then the chew went on and on and on and on AND ON AND WON’T SOMEONE RID ME OF THIS MEDDLESOME FRUIT.

Listen, I’m being needlessly harsh. I know that. This isn’t technically an awful apple, it’s just the epitome of things I personally don’t like in an apple. Too chewy, too sweet, about as interesting as a sidewalk. I guess it’s nice enough. Dim children will enjoy it. A donkey! A donkey will be thrilled with you if you give it this apple.

I did a video review of it here, where I also said “rawdogging an apple,” so if you need that in your life, click on over! This does present a slightly new problem in that, my initial review had me feeling a little more favorable, whereas eating the rest of the apple off-camera made me hate it more. So I’m dropping it from a 3.5 to a 2.5 because fuck this stupid clown-nose clown-shoe apple. Honka honka.

The Sweetie: Make A Donkey Or Dim Children Happy