Here’s a critique challenge:
Post the opening line to your WIP.
Drop it into the comments below. Note that by doing so, you open yourself up to some criticism — but you are also free to discuss other opening lines, too. (And it’s also worth noting that an opening line is in no way the end-all, be-all of a story. While we often like to have perfect opening lines, sometimes it’s more about a perfect opening paragraph or an elegant first page.)
Either way, if you want to play, go to the comments, leave behind your opening line for some constructive criticism. (And those offering criticism — please keep it constructive, thank you.)
Elly Conley says:
When I got back from breakfast with Glen and his colleagues, the stranger was waiting for me in my tiny lobby.
September 14, 2015 — 2:36 PM
Di says:
I’m intrigued but need more precise description for my mind’s eye. Is Glen and his colleagues important? “When I returned from breakfast, the stranger awaited me in …”
How tiny is the lobby? Is it a “cramped lobby”, or “the pigeon hole of a lobby”, or a “the phone booth sized lobby”?
September 14, 2015 — 2:56 PM
Elly Conley says:
A bit more…
“When I got back from breakfast with Glen and his colleagues, the stranger was waiting for me in my tiny lobby. She sat primly, with her ankles crossed and her hands folded over the Louis Vuitton knockoff in her lap. She leaped to her feet as I came in the door, betraying her nervousness, but her face fell when she saw me. She propped a smile back onto her face effortfully as I extended my hand to her in greeting.”
September 22, 2015 — 1:26 PM
theresalynn205 says:
Years ago, I embarked on a journey.
September 14, 2015 — 2:58 PM
percykerry923 says:
Pulsating lights, red and blue. Sirens blazing. A cacophony of voices talking and shouting. People milling around. The night is hot and balmy, under a moonless sky. A scene of utter chaos prevails at the corner of Sunrise Avenue
September 14, 2015 — 3:01 PM
thatcalamity says:
I think the imagery you’re going for it great, but I would suggest streamlining this a bit. maybe something ilke… “Red and blue lights flashed under a moonless sky, the hot night interrupted by a sirens and shouting.”
?
September 14, 2015 — 3:49 PM
Katherine Hayton says:
Ella found two things she wasn’t meant to that summer at her aunt’s house.
September 14, 2015 — 3:03 PM
Aimee Ogden says:
Well, THAT’S intriguing. YA? It reads juuuust the slightest bit awkwardly as is, maybe? Like the “meant to” part and the “that summer at her aunt’s house” part kind of smoosh together in my mind when I read it. Like, I might have written it, “That summer at her aunt’s house, Ella found two things she wasn’t meant to.” Which is not to say that that’s how you should have written it, just to show the bits of the sentence I’m having trouble parsing in the original. But that’s me being nitpicky! I just really like this opener. 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 5:27 PM
Angelique Anderson says:
The 6’ 2 inch man stood outside the hospital feeling very small in capacity
September 14, 2015 — 3:11 PM
Katherine Hayton says:
I like it, but try without the in capacity at the end. Nice.
September 14, 2015 — 3:30 PM
someoneelsesgenius says:
I would lose the specific height definition – perhaps just referring to him as tall or towering. Six foot two inches is above average for a man.
September 15, 2015 — 6:50 PM
Jack Fairey says:
‘My funeral wasn’t that bad, all things considered.’
September 14, 2015 — 3:15 PM
Fuchs A. H. says:
All things considered, mine wasn’t either. Well done, man!
September 14, 2015 — 3:39 PM
Tam May says:
I like it, especially since you’re writing in first person so this gives a nice sense of the voice of the narrator. I also like the humor in it.
Tam
September 14, 2015 — 3:51 PM
Joy B Tobin says:
I like this one a lot. It cues a great deal about what is in store in a very simple way, and I’m definitely hooked.
September 14, 2015 — 4:19 PM
caroljforrester says:
I don’t know if you need the comma but the feel of this sentence is great. I love the dark humour.
September 14, 2015 — 4:21 PM
Joy B Tobin says:
I’m comma challenged too. Would you believe I keep looking up the rules about where they do and do not belong, but those rules refuse to stay in my brain. Commas sneak in everywhere. Obnoxious little buggers!
September 14, 2015 — 4:34 PM
caroljforrester says:
Same here. I just don’t bother unless it seems really necessary and then work out the rest on the second draft.
September 14, 2015 — 4:44 PM
Heather says:
Commas and apostrophes drive me crazy. Eventually I’m going to make a poster with the rules and have it posted in my writing space just so I don’t have to look the rules up all the time.
September 14, 2015 — 7:38 PM
T Hammond says:
Great opening line. I love this.
September 14, 2015 — 5:28 PM
Aimee Ogden says:
I like this — including the comma placement!
September 14, 2015 — 5:28 PM
Heather says:
Just reading this I have questions. This is a line that would make me walk around with the book in hand or start reading more. I like!
September 14, 2015 — 6:07 PM
AJ Terry says:
I agree. I’d keep reading on this one.
September 14, 2015 — 9:36 PM
kirizar says:
Succinct and intriguing. I’d keep reading.
September 14, 2015 — 10:20 PM
clpauwels says:
Nice! (and yes, you need the comma…)
September 14, 2015 — 10:42 PM
Jason Wood says:
The moonlight flayed his skin a pale silver, the light lashing out at him as he ran, turning the blood that ran down his body into a macabre kaleidoscope.
September 14, 2015 — 3:16 PM
Joy B Tobin says:
Ouch… I had to read this a few times before I decided that yes the moonlight was actually causing him damage. I don’t think my re-read was due to poor writing though, I think you chose a scenario that was far enough outside of my expectations that I had to refocus my brain before I could get it. Well done.
September 14, 2015 — 4:42 PM
moteridgerider says:
A real ‘hooky’ start. The only bit that caught me was the blood runnng down his body. Because he’s running I thought it referred to his own blood rushing through his veins. Then, after a re-read I guessed it was someone else’s blood as it forms a kaleidoscope. Maybe an adjustment to the ‘run down his body’ would help. How about the blood trickling down his skin?
September 14, 2015 — 4:52 PM
Fuchs A. H. says:
Agree on this. A bit unclear situation.. bun it can be awesome story!
September 15, 2015 — 3:28 AM
Fuchs A. H. says:
You are on the sidewalk. It is late and evening with no stars nor wind. Huck is near your feet, lying on a wet asphalt. Your hands are on your head, but mouth shut. Nothing to be surprised with. He is just pretending, monkey businesses… You know it was only a stupid flicker jab. You are the boxer, not a fool.
September 14, 2015 — 3:36 PM
kirizar says:
This reminds me of the old detective novels with the odd point of view. Is that third person? I’d prefer something from the point of view of the actor. “Huck is at my feet, lying on wet asphalt. He can’t see the stars for all the rain–but then, he’s not seeing anything now.” That kind of style. I’m curious about why you chose the voice you did.
September 14, 2015 — 10:26 PM
Fuchs A. H. says:
Thank you my dear for your comment ! That’s 2nd POV, and it will become clearlier why I picked it. And yet it isn’t detective story :))
September 15, 2015 — 1:08 AM
Amy says:
Feet. Cracked, calloused, scarred feet. The entire job interview had me focused, not on a brilliant response to their queries or a potential question to ask them (they say that’s important!), but rather to the state of my feet.
September 14, 2015 — 3:37 PM
Fuchs A. H. says:
Third sentence is far too long for my eye. So long that I don’t uderstand it… But yet adjectives are pretty, you picked very intresting ones. 😉
September 14, 2015 — 3:45 PM
Joy B Tobin says:
I like the juxtaposition you have going on between the interview and the focus on feet, but I think you might be able to simplify this and expand later. It feels odd to have a parenthetical statement this close to the opening and “brilliant response to their queries or a potential question to ask them” feels very wordy next to the clipped description of the feet. I would keep the images, but keep playing with your phrasing.
September 14, 2015 — 4:29 PM
kirizar says:
I think it would grab the attention more if you didn’t explain why your feet were the focus:
I was a shoe-in for the position and I would have aced the interview–if it hadn’t been for my feet.
September 14, 2015 — 10:29 PM
thatcalamity says:
I’d forgotten how the winter wind was a wild, living, thing this far north.
September 14, 2015 — 3:45 PM
Fuchs A. H. says:
Good! I can imagine snowflakes in that wind 😉 Just check the comma after living…
September 14, 2015 — 3:50 PM
Tam May says:
I like the alliteration of “winter” “wind” and “wild”. It makes me want to know how far north of where the story is.
Tam
September 14, 2015 — 3:52 PM
cameronwalker27 says:
Love this- the description, the questions it raises, the atmosphere…
September 14, 2015 — 4:18 PM
caroljforrester says:
This is great, I really feel like it’s drawn me into the story already.
September 14, 2015 — 4:20 PM
moteridgerider says:
Excellent terse, starting sentence. It adds emotion to the setting by personifying it. I’d lose the comma after the word ‘living’ imo.
September 14, 2015 — 4:54 PM
thatcalamity says:
done! Thanks for the suggestion
September 14, 2015 — 5:11 PM
kirizar says:
I like the imagery. I’m tempted to tweak the order:
The winter wind was a wild, living thing. I’d forgotten how it blew this far north.
September 14, 2015 — 10:31 PM
thatcalamity says:
Hmmmm I see what you mean, but the only thing I’d be concerned about is the second sentence implying that the character forgot the wind blew that far north. I want the focus to stay on how the wind is wilder there than she remembered it.
September 15, 2015 — 10:27 AM
kirizar says:
That’s the thing with writing. You just smoosh it around. Tweak it. Tear it apart. Rebuild it. It’s like Legos…you never have to build the same structure twice.
September 17, 2015 — 4:40 PM
T Hammond says:
great imagery in one sentence– great job
September 17, 2015 — 12:15 PM
Tam May says:
Those who chose to live in the town of Arrojo because of its name were usually disappointed.
Tam
September 14, 2015 — 3:54 PM
kirizar says:
I think knowing that ‘Arrojo’ means ‘bold, fearless’ would help with the intensity. I had to Google translate it to get the significance. But you probably explain this in subsequent sentences. Not sure how you could achieve the same emphasis in one line:
Arrojo–a town named for the arrogance of its founders who dared to build in barren wasteland–failed to live up to expectations.
September 14, 2015 — 10:43 PM
Alex says:
He had been doing this for forty years but it never got any easier.
September 14, 2015 — 3:55 PM
Joy B Tobin says:
I think you could include what this is that he’s been doing for forty years in the first sentence. “He had been a detective for forty years but it never got any easier.” or “He had been picking his nose for forty years but it never got any easier.” It would give me a lot more information without slowing anything down.
September 14, 2015 — 4:23 PM
innerouterawkward says:
I like it. It makes me want to read on and know what he’s been doing. If it’s not getting any easier, why is he still doing it?
September 14, 2015 — 6:59 PM
Joy B Tobin says:
There was a Doric column with a flame at the top, looking for all the world like a giant birthday candle.
September 14, 2015 — 4:15 PM
kirizar says:
I’d like to know the context, instead of the word ‘There’ could you use something to expand the setting:
The Doric column fronting the courthouse entrance sported a granite flame, looking for all the world like a giant, birthday candle of justice.
September 14, 2015 — 10:53 PM
nathangarvison says:
A blank page is always a terrible place to start, but it’s what we all have to start with. Only everyone’s page doesn’t start out blank, not at all. People don’t get to start out in this crazy world with the figurative tabula rasa. No, the gods think it’s a wonderful idea to script it out for everyone.
September 14, 2015 — 4:17 PM
kirizar says:
I like the start and the ending a lot. Maybe put them together?
:
A blank page is a terrible way to start (life); the gods think it wonderful to script things out for everyone. (Which is much, much worse.)
September 14, 2015 — 10:49 PM
nathangarvison says:
Thanks! It could use a scalpel now that you point it out. 🙂
September 15, 2015 — 1:43 PM
kirizar says:
Just a different take is all. Those were the two sentences that really caught my eye. I think sometimes it is easier to pinpoint what you like in someone else’s work than it is in your own.
September 17, 2015 — 4:44 PM
Zachary says:
The man made use of a fallen oak beside the road, resting his rather large gut on top of the bark as he intensely studied the lone window in the tower before him.
September 14, 2015 — 4:18 PM
someoneelsesgenius says:
There is a lot going on in this one sentence. It doesn’t beg for continued reading, but it has promise.
The man resting his gut on the tree takes you out of the moment and makes me think he’s rather short. Perhaps lose that part, keeping in mind you can add the description of the man later in the story.
Like… “The man rested on the fallen oak, taking his time to study the window amidst the brick towering above him. His considerable girth aside, it had been a taxing hike to get this far on the abandoned roadside.”
September 15, 2015 — 7:06 PM
caroljforrester says:
Tara stared at the wet, ring mark encircling their encampment on Magrath’s map, her vision blurred and her eyelids drooping.
September 14, 2015 — 4:19 PM
Joy B Tobin says:
Love! This is one the most vibrantly descriptive yet simple and cohesive opening lines I’ve ever come across.
September 14, 2015 — 4:39 PM
caroljforrester says:
Really? Thank you. I wasn’t too sure when I posted it as I noticed a few people had put up a few lines and I wasn’t sure if there was enough in this.
September 14, 2015 — 4:45 PM
moteridgerider says:
This has the makings of a great opener. I’m guessing the ring mark is a tear drop (hence the eyes going blurry). At first I thought it might be a mark left by a wine glass or goblet because of the description. To avoid confusion you could change the description slightly to describe the drop as a splash (or equivalent). Also, the gerund in ‘drooping’ is misplaced imo. Go for the more active ‘drooped.’ Otherwise, well constructed.
September 14, 2015 — 5:00 PM
caroljforrester says:
Thank you, it was actually meant to be a goblet ring mark but I like the way you took it.
September 14, 2015 — 5:15 PM
Aimee Ogden says:
Interesting! (And I read it as the wet mark from a glass or cup, too.) Thoughts:
-Don’t think you need a comma between “wet” and “ring”.
-I can’t tell if the final clause is dangling or not (I’m bad at that) but in either case I think you might have more forward momentum rearranging the sentence
“Through blurred vision and drooping eyelids, Tara stared at the wet rink mark encircling their encampment on Magrath’s map.” That is just my $0.02 though!
September 14, 2015 — 5:21 PM
caroljforrester says:
No, that reads much better actually, thank you.
September 14, 2015 — 5:23 PM
Diego Prado says:
“The little hedgehog had a predicament: no longer wanted their spines.” – keep in mind it is a little child’s fable.
September 14, 2015 — 4:59 PM
addy says:
would it be better to say “the little hedgehog had a predicament of no longer wanting his spines”?
its a good start to a childrens story.
September 18, 2015 — 7:19 AM
Diego Prado says:
Sorry, my mistake, forgot to take the edited version:
The little hedgehog had a predicament: he wanted his spines no more.
September 14, 2015 — 5:01 PM
thatcalamity says:
I find the ‘no more’ a little awkward. If it leads into rhyming couplets that might still work though. But maybe ‘he no longer wanted his spines’ would be easier to read if you’re going into straight prose?
September 15, 2015 — 10:32 AM
kirizar says:
Depending on the age of the reader, words like ‘predicament’ might be tricky. I like the word, it evokes such complex challenges. Just keep in mind the intended age of the audience.
September 17, 2015 — 4:49 PM
moteridgerider says:
The man strode up the slime-covered steps, metal segs in his boots scrapinging against the stonework. In his hand he carried a hessian sack that hummed persistently.
September 14, 2015 — 5:04 PM
moteridgerider says:
Whoops! Typo already – scrapinging should be ‘scraping.’
September 14, 2015 — 5:05 PM
T Hammond says:
Fun. One wonders why the sack hummed. I like this.
September 14, 2015 — 5:26 PM
D.R.Sylvester says:
One of the strongest openers I’ve read here so far. Things I like: specific details, but not overly descriptive; nothing confusing to get caught on; short, but with flow; a bit of mystery; sensory (sounds, slimy sensations, rough hessian, etc.); introduces the character straight away and shows that he’s got something important to do (not just on the toilet / driving / waking up / daydreaming); maybe sets the world – humming, so electronic? or sentient? I’m guessing SF or Fantasy?
Good stuff 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 8:44 PM
moteridgerider says:
Thanks – it’s a dark fantasy and the guy in question is a sadist. The humming bag is significant!
September 15, 2015 — 10:03 AM
kirizar says:
It sounds like the intended audience would have to be familiar with unusual, almost martial terminology. I had to google ‘segs’ and clarify my understanding of Hessian (capitalized as a proper noun, I guess). As a first sentence, making sure a broad audience can pick up the lingo requires some consideration–otherwise you might lose a casual reader who assumes it isn’t the book for them. Is it pertinent to the opening that you describe his boots? Could you put it a little bit further in the story? Somewhere on a surface that would have a metallic scrape with every stride? (Slime-covered steps wouldn’t allow this.)
September 17, 2015 — 4:55 PM
Honey Apostos says:
The only way to discover what happened to your wife is to call your brother by his true name.
September 14, 2015 — 5:08 PM
moteridgerider says:
Intriguing line. Definitely makes me want to read more. My only criticism is that it’s introduced as a universal truth applicable to all situations. It probably needs to be more personal e.g. ‘I knew the only way to discover what happened to my wife was to call my brother by his first name.’ Of course, this might change the pov of your story.
September 14, 2015 — 5:28 PM
AKA-Tog says:
*Tossing my hat in*
People hear the words “hard-boiled detective” and think a trench coat, a thirty-eight, and a bottle of cheap scotch in the bottom drawer make the man.
September 14, 2015 — 5:10 PM
Fuchs A. H. says:
Good one ! I would like to read this to find out what do you think makes man.
September 15, 2015 — 3:25 AM
AKA-Tog says:
Thanks. Here’s the full paragraph.
People hear the words “hard-boiled detective” and think a trench coat, a thirty-eight, and a bottle of cheap scotch in the bottom drawer make the man. In truth, all that stuff is window dressing. What hard-boils a detective is the isolation. It’s easy to be tough when there’s no back to watch or shoulder to cry on. Trouble has to come from the front, and a good, hard stare keeps most of it at bay. Or so I thought.
September 15, 2015 — 7:12 AM
Fuchs A. H. says:
Just better and better, hope you’ll finish it soon ! #applause#
September 16, 2015 — 1:25 AM
James Cheary (@jrcheary) says:
Blistered feet agonize against the sun-scorched earth.
September 14, 2015 — 5:13 PM
someoneelsesgenius says:
I ran.
September 14, 2015 — 5:17 PM
someoneelsesgenius says:
Apparently I dropped the ball on this one, so I’ll add the first paragraph as well:
The faint sounds of their shoes hitting the dirt accompanied my heart, pounding in my ears. They were gaining ground. I pushed myself harder, my lungs begging for every breath. Something dripped into my eyes, blurring the countryside and I wiped furiously at them. I glimpsed the edge of salvation; it didn’t look like I was going to make it.
September 15, 2015 — 12:47 AM
Fuchs A. H. says:
Great start, I’m in ! This must be good story. Is it thriller or smh else ?
September 15, 2015 — 3:32 AM
someoneelsesgenius says:
Thanks! Definitely suspense, tending toward paranormal in the end.
September 15, 2015 — 3:01 PM
kirizar says:
No, no. You made good to just write the first sentence. See if it stands. I’d say it has legs. If you start with that short a sentence, I think the pacing would require more similarly short lines. If the character is running, imagine how choppy his/her breath would be. There wouldn’t likely be full sentences. I’d take the next words/thoughts that flow as if the person were out of breath too.
I ran. They followed. Shoes hitting dirt counterpoint to my pulse. Thump. Thump. They were gaining ground. Pushing harder, my lungs begged. Stinging eyes blurred the countryside–smearing as I wiped at them. I could see it. The edge of salvation just out of reach. I wasn’t going to make it.
September 17, 2015 — 5:23 PM
Aimee Ogden says:
As he fought back the tide of his last shuddering breaths, she whispered all of his secrets back to him, an echo of the words he had never dared to speak aloud: she sang softly to him of unmarked graves never draped with lilies, of the women that men consume and discard and do not mourn, and the things she said were not untrue, and it was their truth that gave them power and drove them into the dying man’s heart more forcefully than the dagger that had so quietly, so gently preceded them.
September 14, 2015 — 5:17 PM
moteridgerider says:
I like this as a poetic, dramatic opening scene. It’s almost like the climax of a story that will then segue into a flashback. But it raises many questions that encourage the reader to continue into the story. I think the colon should be dropped as, although it’s a list that follows, it jars against the weighty, poetic nature of the sentences. I would simply put a full stop and start a new sentence. Also ‘… And discard and do not mourn’ might read better as ‘and discard rather than mourn.’ (Avoids repetition of ‘and.’) Same goes for the subsequent ‘ands.’
September 14, 2015 — 5:36 PM
kirizar says:
This carries a lot of information for a single sentence. I’d recommend breaking up the lines instead of trying to write a paragraph. Minimize where possible. Example: Instead of “As he fought back the tide of his last shuddering breath…”you could write: His breath shuddered as he fought death.
September 17, 2015 — 5:30 PM
Deathbats foREVer News says:
The Monkey that was feeding off one of the other monkey’s looks up from the meal and out the window of the door at the CDC worker looking in the window at the mess.
September 14, 2015 — 5:46 PM
someoneelsesgenius says:
There is too much information for an opening line, but does nicely set up a creepy medical thriller.
Try: “The monkey fed his cannibalistic need, knowing full well the man in the lab coat stood outside the window, looking in at the carnage.” You can get into the whole CDC thing later in the story.
September 16, 2015 — 6:19 PM
Deathbats foREVer News says:
It is for a 2nd ep of a tv show we had already touched on the cdc in the 1st ep. 🙂 thanks for the pointers though.
September 20, 2015 — 11:20 AM
Tabitha Ormiston-Smith says:
The sun was low in the sky when John awoke.
September 14, 2015 — 5:47 PM
kirizar says:
I appreciate brevity, so kudos for not overblowing the verbiage. I do think, however, there is such a thing as too little detail as well as too much. This is a tough start. It sets the scene, but little else. If you added a word to give an urgency or play with different ways of describing the sun:
The sun was low in the sky when John woke unexpectedly.
The sun burned down the horizon; John woke alone.
A bare lip of sunlight curved the Earth when John jolted awake.
Or you could be more cryptic:
The sun was low when he woke.
Depends on your style really.
September 17, 2015 — 5:13 PM
Pearce Kilgour says:
“This is how I’m going to die. Just as my mother predicted. After dark. In a sketchy situation. Not in clean underwear.” Kate spoke as she eyed up the farmhouse that looked abandoned.
September 14, 2015 — 5:58 PM
innerouterawkward says:
I like it! I think the “Not in clean underwear.” is what hooked me.
September 14, 2015 — 6:57 PM
kirizar says:
Harsh mom. It is a catchy first sentence. When I read ‘eyed up’ I thought of the sexual innuendo of ‘eyeing up’ someone. Just tripped my brain a second.
September 17, 2015 — 5:33 PM
madicienne says:
Aside from his arrest, everything had gone exactly according to plan. Feet dangling from the bench, Adrien leaned against the Watchpost wall and tongued his split lip. Inside, Catcher and the watchcaptain were deciding his fate; outside, there was just enough action to distract him.
September 14, 2015 — 6:49 PM
Lang Cooksey says:
Another window opening spewed fire as the young man fled.
September 14, 2015 — 6:59 PM
Maggie Smith says:
is she really speaking? and if so, to whom? sounds more like she’s thinking this to herself. Regardless, I agree. The “not in clean underwear” line is the clincher
September 14, 2015 — 7:02 PM
Cheryl M. (@Writezalot) says:
Lol, here goes (so out of context as this is bk 3 of a series btw): Sweat streamed into Gabaran’s eyes, turning the stilled world into a stinging blur.
September 14, 2015 — 7:15 PM
Leigh Statham says:
Sweat is always a great way to start book #3. Huzzah!
September 14, 2015 — 8:50 PM
dante says:
The heavens were on fire; the sun was an inferno; the sky was burning.
Alleyways were dark and disgusting; they held all sorts of diseases and vermin. This Phoenix knew. But in the alleys, he felt more at home than anywhere else. Nothing could be darker than his soul at the moment; no vermin could be worse than him. And so it was in this way that he walked alone among the concrete buildings standing like tombstones.
September 14, 2015 — 7:16 PM
Gina Scott Roberts says:
She really hoped the early news weatherman was right about a warmer than usual afternoon because the morning was as chill as ever as she rounded the lake on her last lap for the day.
September 14, 2015 — 7:22 PM
Leigh Statham says:
You have quite a few instances of the word “as” here. I’d try to rework it so that you either have two sentences or you don’t have to use the blessed little article quite so much.
September 14, 2015 — 8:49 PM
Elliot Andrews says:
It was dusk, and another group of lepers and the infirmed were entering the shanty town.
September 14, 2015 — 7:24 PM
Leigh Statham says:
Lepers ruin everything.
September 14, 2015 — 8:48 PM
Elliot Andrews says:
Aww, they don’t mean it. 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 9:35 PM
sheltonkeysdunning says:
It’s a good line. You could generate a little more power if you tighten up a bit and flip this from passive to active. The phrase “the infirmed” is troublesome and fights the rest of the sentence, I think.
It was dusk, and another group of lepers entered the shanty town.
or even:
At dusk, another group of lepers entered the shanty town.
It’s a grand start though. Well done!
September 14, 2015 — 11:10 PM
Elliot Andrews says:
Thanks for the feedback!
September 15, 2015 — 6:25 PM
R. M. Mendivil says:
Still a WIP, but here goes:
Sometime in Orsa, 1150
This is definitely not how I expected the week to end. I wanted to be back with my sister and her partner, having dinner in front of the fireplace and telling each other interesting anecdotes from our respective jobs. Not hiding from the military police, not sheltered in some clueless merchant’s cart, not escaping the city for dear life.
It’s strange, though. Even now, it does not feel like I regret it. It was not entirely of my doing, after all. The fault is his, in any case. Yes, if I were to spew poetic, I would say the guilt lies on his bewitching smile.
September 14, 2015 — 7:37 PM
Alyson Hart says:
Nothing technically wrong with it, but the style of speaking is way too modern if it takes place in medieval Sweden.
September 15, 2015 — 7:20 PM
R. M. Mendivil says:
Wow, I completely forgot Orsa was a place in Sweden O_o It’s supposed to be the name of a made-up month, lol. Thanks for the tip! ^_^
September 17, 2015 — 12:20 AM
Heather says:
“You left me Niks. You chose to run away!” There was pain in his voice as he raised the gun. She couldn’t tell the make or model, but she knew him well enough that he would load only with silver and that if any part ofthat stayed inside of her that it would kill her.
September 14, 2015 — 7:40 PM
Heather says:
There is a space between of and that, but for some reason it didn’t carry over when I copied it from the PDF.
September 14, 2015 — 7:41 PM
Leigh Statham says:
Creepy! Right to the action. Funola. Sort of brings to mind a scene from Stephanie Plum’s life, if she were a werewolf? Cheers!
September 14, 2015 — 8:48 PM
Heather says:
It’s an old wip, so I can’t remember, but I think she is a werewolf. I’m editing at the moment.
September 14, 2015 — 8:51 PM
Melinda Davis says:
I am an unproductive animal.
September 14, 2015 — 7:41 PM
Leigh Statham says:
Me too.
September 14, 2015 — 8:46 PM
Drew Taylor says:
Once upon a time, a girl wanted to be a star. She believed that playing her keyboard and writing her songs and singing her solos day after day after day was her ticket to starlight. She believed her destiny belonged on stage.
September 14, 2015 — 7:46 PM
alishacostanzo says:
YA lit? This could be more active: Amber wanted to be a star. Her destiny belonged on stage, so she played her keyboard, wrote her songs, and sang her solos. They were her ticket to starlight.
(Side note: personal preference is for active voice and close third or first person POV, which means phrases like “she believed,” become irrelevant as the narrator’s words should indicate this belief.)
<3
September 14, 2015 — 10:48 PM
Drew Taylor says:
Thank you. 🙂 You rock.
September 14, 2015 — 11:15 PM
bhhurl1 says:
Standing near the doorway she bent over and touched his furry paw.
September 14, 2015 — 7:47 PM
bethbishopwrites says:
Most people don’t notice their souls, until they go missing. I didn’t. Not much anyway. On any given day, I ignored it, but once the inner voice I rarely heard stopped speaking, it left a void, like an empty, colicky stomach.
September 14, 2015 — 8:17 PM
Leigh Statham says:
Not to be nit-picky, but I think colicky stomachs are usually that way because they are full? Could be wrong. Great opening line, however. I’d ready more. WHERE DID IT GO???
September 14, 2015 — 8:45 PM
alishacostanzo says:
I found the first line intriguing! The last line gave me pause as it seemed a bit wordy. It might sound better if you nix the first part: “Not much anyway. I ignored it, but it left a void like an empty, colicky stomach.”
September 14, 2015 — 10:52 PM
maskedplatypus says:
Just did my civic duty and made sure everyone on page 1 has at least one response to their opening line.
September 14, 2015 — 8:25 PM
Leigh Statham says:
How about us on page 5? You are prejudice, platypus. I’m calling you out!
September 14, 2015 — 8:44 PM
RCheri says:
*First line*
The darkness of the passageway was absolute, and the hooded woman was searching blind.
*Rest of first paragraph*
Her way out would be here somewhere, but she surely would not see it; instead, she examined the steel walls by touch, her breath warming the smooth surface next to her cheek, her open hands feeling inch-by-inch so closely in front of her face yet hidden completely from her sight. This, at least, was probably for the best: she could admit that she wasn’t longing to look upon her hands just then anyway. Still, searching for the way in such darkness had its… complications.
Thanks for any input, and good luck on your WIPs!
September 14, 2015 — 8:30 PM
D.R.Sylvester says:
So far my holiday was not going according to plan.
I spun the ship’s wheel, as -thud- another plasma-shot struck the hull.
September 14, 2015 — 8:37 PM
Leigh Statham says:
Holiday in space? Yes, please!
September 14, 2015 — 8:43 PM
D.R.Sylvester says:
I know right? I wonder if Sir Richard Branson has some cheap tickets available for that Virgin commercial space flight thing… or is 30yo too late to start astronaut training?
September 14, 2015 — 8:47 PM
Leigh Statham says:
I think you have to be under 25 and a hot bodied chick to get on that ship. The rest of us are stuck with Carnival to the Bahamas. Sigh.
September 14, 2015 — 9:03 PM
D.R.Sylvester says:
I could squeeze into a little black dress if that’s what’s required… Can I keep the beard?
September 14, 2015 — 9:27 PM
Leigh Statham says:
Drew pulled down on her bottom lip. The pain had decreased and her lip was almost a normal size again, but the ink remained; numbers and letters scrawled upside down inside her mouth to make it easier for the Ramrod cadets to read, easier to classify, easier to contain.
September 14, 2015 — 8:41 PM
D.R.Sylvester says:
Intriguing stuff. I have NFI what’s going on, but intriguing 🙂 I’m guessing she’s in some kind of dystopian world? That or she’s a prisoner / test subject of some sort?
September 14, 2015 — 8:50 PM
Leigh Statham says:
Bingo! I wrote it for a dystopian body horror challenge. Cleaning it up to submit 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 8:56 PM
Deathbats foREVer News says:
The Monkey that was feeding off one of the other monkey’s looks up from the meal and out the window of the door at the CDC worker looking in the window at the mess.
September 14, 2015 — 8:43 PM
Hurricane Katelyn says:
Persephone stands before the gateway between Death’s kingdom and the world Above, and she is shaking. She is going to have to kill today.
September 14, 2015 — 8:56 PM
Zenit says:
Consider removing the and, you only really need the comma in there or use a final dot. Also consider using more evocative language in showing persephone anxiety, example, “running her hands on the sides of her tunic in a fruitless effort to dry her sweaty hands” paint us a better picture of her then just “shaking” =) and finally, also consider changing the “going to have” for a stronger verb, like “will” or whatever fits your scene best.
September 20, 2015 — 4:10 AM
Pat Patterson says:
When bending over makes you pee, you learn to wear black pants all the time.
September 14, 2015 — 9:17 PM
D.R.Sylvester says:
Haha! Nice. It’s a quirky opener, but not obscure (easy to understand), and it sets up a very human protagonist.
September 14, 2015 — 9:59 PM
AJ Terry says:
The vantage point from the roof gave Alex the exact view he’d been hoping for.
September 14, 2015 — 9:32 PM
Mist says:
I was four when Father set our house on fire. I know why he did it. He was afraid of me.
September 14, 2015 — 9:38 PM
Zenit says:
I like the first line, is strong and intriguing. The second one, on the other hand, just gets in the way between the set up and the punchline. Consider ether dropping it or making it part of the final one.
September 20, 2015 — 4:26 AM
terriblecreations says:
Harsh light caused momentary blindness for the prisoners within the many carriages of the caravan. As the men, women, and children of all sorts of races from around the world shuffled out of their wagons, the sound of metal against stone echoed throughout the emptied streets of the Merchant District, for no one wanted to mess with the large overseers who wore masks made from the skin of the slaves they had killed.
September 14, 2015 — 9:43 PM
Fuchs A. H. says:
Everything is in the place. Very catching paragraph!
September 15, 2015 — 3:16 PM