Here’s a critique challenge:
Post the opening line to your WIP.
Drop it into the comments below. Note that by doing so, you open yourself up to some criticism — but you are also free to discuss other opening lines, too. (And it’s also worth noting that an opening line is in no way the end-all, be-all of a story. While we often like to have perfect opening lines, sometimes it’s more about a perfect opening paragraph or an elegant first page.)
Either way, if you want to play, go to the comments, leave behind your opening line for some constructive criticism. (And those offering criticism — please keep it constructive, thank you.)
Jay Arias says:
If his eyes hadn’t been blue, I would’ve killed him.
(my WIP Chasing Shadows)
September 14, 2015 — 9:41 AM
Sarah W says:
Well, I’m curious why blue eyes are saving this guy’s life…
September 14, 2015 — 10:32 AM
kdrose1 says:
Yep would read more. Like some others here, you’ve set yourself up so that you better have some great sentences afterward to keep the pace. : )
September 14, 2015 — 12:20 PM
lynnvroman says:
“The last present Dad gave me was a gun.”
September 14, 2015 — 9:42 AM
laurievarga says:
I dig this. I’d read more.
September 14, 2015 — 10:36 AM
Kimberly Bowers says:
Hooked.
September 14, 2015 — 10:40 AM
kdrose1 says:
Yes, definitely expect more interesting coming.
September 14, 2015 — 10:50 AM
Lawson says:
I like how the finality of “last” is powerful on its own, but also suggests that we’ll learn more about other presents, good and bad. Engaging.
September 14, 2015 — 11:02 AM
jlstephens08 says:
“The car sped down the Interstate with a familiar hum that nearly lulled its driver to sleep at the wheel.”
September 14, 2015 — 9:42 AM
pawel1976 says:
The warlock walked into the village with a cat on his shoulder. They seemed on good terms.
The villagers, of course, had never seen a cat.
September 14, 2015 — 9:45 AM
Stuart Land says:
Good, but middle sentence is implied with the first sentence, so dilutes the outcome of the last sentence. To make make the punchline stronger, you might try something like this… “The warlock sauntered into the village with a cat on his shoulder. The villagers stared. They had never seen a cat before.
September 14, 2015 — 10:10 AM
pawel1976 says:
Thanks! Now I know I need to do something with the 2nd sentence. But… both the 2nd and the 3rd one will make sense in the context of the rest of the story. Nevertheless, the 2nd one now looks awkward to me. Maybe I will move it to another place and elaborate a little.
September 14, 2015 — 10:33 AM
Damon Griffith says:
Tha cat and the warlock being “on good terms” is what’s funny about the line. Largely because it’s implied in the first sentence (one would hope to be on good terms with a cat on one’s shoulder). The way you have it rewritten scours the humor out of the statement.
September 14, 2015 — 10:40 AM
Lawson Reinsch says:
The first sentence is strong and visually interesting. I agree the second sentence is implied by the first, but either way the second and third sentence are both telling us details. What makes it seem (to the narrator) that they are on good terms? Can that judgement come from a character? A villager’s reaction to the cat would show that they’d never seen one. I’d be interested to see how a villager who’s never seen a cat comes to the conclusion that the warlock and this mysterious animal are on good terms. (I really like that cats are exotic but warlocks are everyday creatures.) Also, is the warlock the protagonist, or will one of the villagers be? “The” warlock and “a” cat don’t signal to me that these are the characters to focus on.
September 14, 2015 — 11:27 AM
kdrose1 says:
I really like the punch lines as they are, but agree that POV is in question with the third line. But I really like the sentences as they are. I would read on because of the humor.
September 14, 2015 — 12:01 PM
Stuart Land says:
With every word, the frosty breath of eight-year-old Jutta Von Pritwitz crawled up her cheeks and hazed over her cunning blue eyes.
September 14, 2015 — 9:52 AM
Harmonia says:
By the time I got to the end of the sentence, I forgot she was speaking. You might want to try and pull this apart into smaller sentences, for example: “Eight-year-old Jutta von Pritwitz felt her own frosty breath crawl up her cheeks as she spoke. It even hazed over her cunning blue eyes.”
September 14, 2015 — 10:14 AM
drphilphysics says:
Once Upon A Time…
Three kings met before the Fall of Rome and
formed a secret kingdom at the Arctic Circle.
Did the kingdom live happily ever after?
Ask them – they’re still around today.
September 14, 2015 — 9:52 AM
A. R. Stone says:
Three kings meet before the fall of Rome, hang out in the Arctic Circle and are still around today? I’m in!
September 14, 2015 — 10:02 AM
jmvandenberg says:
From the corner of the weathered building Wally watched in silent wonder as the well-dressed man climbed down from the stage at the Heartwood station. No one ever stopped in Heartwood, Texas.
September 14, 2015 — 9:54 AM
Sarah W says:
This has a lovely alliteration happening.
September 14, 2015 — 10:33 AM
Ken Mc says:
I think your second sentence is the stronger of the two and should be your first. It is clear and makes me want to continue reading to find out why no one stops in Heartwood. The train station and the well dressed man can come later.
September 14, 2015 — 10:39 AM
Anthony says:
I agree with Ken.
Or even combined. “No one ever stopped in Heartwood, Texas, until the old, well-dressed man climbed down from the stage.”
September 14, 2015 — 10:56 AM
Lawson Reinsch says:
I agree the second sentence is stronger, but I think much of its power comes from the setup that precedes it. (I wouldn’t just promote it.) That said, Is “well-dressed” important in the first line? No one ever stopping in Heartwood tells us about Heartwood. If we know that before we get to “well-dressed,” then a well-dressed somebody is an amplification of that idea instead of straight description. (Hmm. To be fair, it _is_ Wally’s assessment, so not just flat narration.) Is Wally’s specific placement at the corner important? Important yet? Is he semi-hidden? Just keeping to shade or staying on the sunny side? Can the fact of the position be included in some motivated action, e.g., taking half a step back so he can observe the man without being seen? “Silent wonder” doesn’t resonate with me, but a word like “stage” does so much work to set the scene. I’d read on, especially if Wally’s afraid of the man.
September 14, 2015 — 12:13 PM
Michael E. Henderson says:
Try starting with “Wally watched…” If it matters that the building is weathered, you can mention it after the second sentence.
September 14, 2015 — 12:14 PM
Cameron says:
I was crouched down looking over one side of the bed while she peeked over the other. I could hear her heavy breathing over my own. I didn’t dare look away, as she’d probably launch herself over the bed and come after me. Again. I was sure I could feel the scratches turn into welts along my arms, thighs, sides and back.
September 14, 2015 — 10:00 AM
KateH says:
It was a fear-fascination relationship she had with the water that made walking across the bridge something she didn’t really enjoy
September 14, 2015 — 10:04 AM
carolyncharron says:
I want to know what you mean by the fear-fascination. Can you show us her reaction rather than telling?
I’d read on.
September 14, 2015 — 10:41 AM
Jenny C says:
While the last of the sun drained from the sky, my brother and I crept from the woods carrying a ladder between us.
September 14, 2015 — 10:06 AM
KateH says:
I want to know why they’re carrying a ladder & would read on.
September 14, 2015 — 10:09 AM
AC Baldwin says:
I’m intrigued! Had to read it twice. A small suggestion: would “sunlight” be more effective than “sun”?
September 14, 2015 — 11:32 AM
Lawson Reinsch says:
The ladder makes me curious enough to read on. Is the timing coincidental, or did they wait until it was getting dark? If they waited, and it’s important, you might consider using “When” instead of “While.” There’s tension in the implied wait at the edge of the woods, and (good) wonder about why. Same thought in the opposite circumstance: using “Before” could suggest urgency to finish before dark. Depends on the threat in your story. I’d be in a hurry to kill a vampire before he woke up, but would wait as long as I could stand if I was worried about a farmer with a 12 gauge.
September 14, 2015 — 11:46 AM
K. Barrett (@kbarrett) says:
My name is Astrid Baum.
I’m 17.
I guess I’m gonna be 17 forever.
September 14, 2015 — 10:13 AM
Susan K. Swords says:
I really like this. I’m already wonderng: what happened? Is she dead? Immortal now? I’d definitely read more.
September 14, 2015 — 12:26 PM
Fuchs A. H. says:
Great name ! Like it.
September 14, 2015 — 4:07 PM
Beth says:
Heading south on Highway 82 out of Glenwood Springs, Mt. Sopris with its toothed double peak rises like something out of myth from a break in the range. In the right light on a clear summer evening, with the Roaring Fork weaving in and out of shadow alongside the narrow road, the mountain can seem like a vast gate, the golden haze summoning a wandering soul into some uncharted fae country.
September 14, 2015 — 10:13 AM
brkingsolver says:
Too much to keep track of. Does it matter that I’m on Highway 82 or what direction I’m going? I would rearrange and condense. Some of this might be better in follow-on paragraphs.
September 14, 2015 — 11:24 AM
Beth says:
*stares* See, this is what happens when you beat your head against a wall for too long. YES the protag’s harebrained decision to leave the interstate and go hieing off into unfamiliar backcountry at sundown is the precipitating incident of the novel, but it’s also completely redundant. Every one of my beta readers (who are all from Colorado and should know better) missed this: there’s only one way to leave Glenwood Springs that’s not via I-70 and it’s…. south on 82.
Heading south out of Glenwood Springs, the toothed double peak rises like something out of myth from a break in the range. In the right light on a summer evening, with the Roaring Fork weaving in and out of shadow alongside the highway, the mountain can seem like a vast gate, the golden haze summoning a wandering soul into some uncharted fae country.
September 14, 2015 — 12:32 PM
kdrose1 says:
I agree. Similar to my problems too. Some beautiful poetic language in there but the surrounding details are too much for me. I would tighten it up considerably and get across the point you really want to get across without losing the beautiful language.
September 14, 2015 — 11:59 AM
Maggie Smith says:
“Do you want to know why we’re not having sex?” Sam asked when Anna walked into the kitchen.
September 14, 2015 — 10:16 AM
Kimberly Bowers says:
I certainly do!
September 14, 2015 — 10:42 AM
Laurel Avery says:
Me too!
September 14, 2015 — 11:35 AM
kdrose1 says:
“Time is the poetry of devouring. The feeling no longer comes with the memory. Eventually the memory no longer rises with remembering.” [I am not sure if I need the “with” in the third sentence. I’d rather drop it. Things like this are why I write so slow.]
September 14, 2015 — 10:16 AM
Sarah W says:
I think you do need the with in the third sentence. Think if it this way – right now, you’re saying that the memory stops showing up when (generic) you indulges in remembering things. So it’s “with (the act of) remembering).” If you take out that with, to me it almost becomes that the memory is the one doing the remembering (“the memory no longer rises remembering”).
September 14, 2015 — 10:37 AM
kdrose1 says:
Thanks! That is the dilemma I had. Now I just need to decide if the “with” should become “when”. Then maybe I can move on and write the damn novel before I die.
September 14, 2015 — 10:44 AM
Sarah W says:
Hmm.
the memory no longer rises with remembering
vs
the memory no longer rises when remembering
I can go one of a few ways here. I think you’d get a nice poetical tilt if you stick with ‘with’ but add a ‘the’ – ‘the memory no longer rises with the remembering.’
On the other hand, from a ‘carrying forward the theme of time’ standpoint, you would want ‘when’ – that’s going to anchor you into time again.
September 14, 2015 — 12:01 PM
kdrose1 says:
Thank you Sarah! Would you keep reading though? Think I need more of a kickstarter rather than my natural poetic-ness?
September 14, 2015 — 12:19 PM
Sarah W says:
Wouldn’t let me reply under your last reply, so forgive the thread side-jump. 🙂
I think you’ve got me until the second paragraph right now. I’m a huge sucker for an interesting turn of phrase, and I’m curious where this is going. But whether I would read beyond the second paragraph depends entirely on what that second paragraph does. These three sentences are poetic, but slow; there needs to be something a little more exciting in that second paragraph, or you’re going to lose any impact.
September 14, 2015 — 1:33 PM
Di says:
I have trouble with the first sentence. Maybe just me. I’d condense for impact.
“Time devours all feeling from memory”
September 14, 2015 — 2:42 PM
curleyqueue says:
This has a pretty sound, and I’m drawn to the language, but I have to admit I’m not sure what the sentences mean. Time devours? We lose the clarity of memories with time? I’m not sure I’d continue reading if I had to work so hard to figure out the first lines, which would be a shame since I think there’s something poetic here.
September 14, 2015 — 11:02 AM
kdrose1 says:
Thanks. I tend to write poetically (I am a poet) and too abstract. Maybe I will rework and start with something stark that forces you to want to read more first, like some of the other sentences in this exercise before I get into why memories lose their feeling ( because they do, with time, which allows us to remember horrible things easier after time, but lose touch with some of the wonderful things because we have to dredge hard to connect the memory with the feeling again.) I just didn’t want to start in with a chase scene or some such just to get the readers attention. Gah
Thank you. Appreciate all feedback. As, obviously, I need it. I am writing a different kind of book this time than what I’ve written before; it’s going to be literary, so…
September 14, 2015 — 11:57 AM
Di says:
I think I replied in the wrong spot. Here it is again.
I have trouble with the first sentence. Maybe just me. I’d condense for impact.
“Time devours all feeling from memory”.
September 14, 2015 — 2:45 PM
Kenesha Williams says:
I’d been sitting on this bar stool for thirty-seven minutes and twenty-five seconds and told
myself fifteen minutes ago that I was leaving in five minutes, but here I was, still waiting.
September 14, 2015 — 10:17 AM
Beth says:
I’m intrigued! This might benefit from being split into two sentences (seconds. I told myself) – depends on the rest of the paragraph. Run-ons can convey urgency and movement, and this definitely does, but it needs a very short, crisp sentence behind it.
September 14, 2015 — 10:34 AM
Kimberly Bowers says:
Agree with Beth. Love the narrator and how immediately I feel connected to the story.
September 14, 2015 — 10:45 AM
Matthew Hockey says:
I like the idea behind this – the character knows they should leave but can’t bring themselves to do it for some reason – for me there are too many numbers and it gets a bit muddied up. Unless that’s a specific quirk of the character that they remember timings exactly I would trim it down a bit.
Maybe: I kept telling myself I’d leave in five minutes, but here I was, still waiting.
Then tell us the character is in a bar on a stool.
September 14, 2015 — 10:36 AM
Sarah W says:
It’s a few too many numbers for me, too, but I’m thinking it might be improved by breaking it into two sentences. Something like this, maybe:
I’d been sitting on this bar stool for thirty-seven minutes and twenty-five seconds. I told myself fifteen minutes ago that I’d give it five more minutes, but here I was, still waiting.
September 14, 2015 — 10:40 AM
Matthew Hockey says:
Nailed it.
September 14, 2015 — 10:43 AM
carolyncharron says:
You did a good job telling us something important about the MC but the specificity and number of details muddies the sentence. I suggest taking out the ’25 seconds’ and ‘5 minutes’ to streamline the idea. I’d read on.
September 14, 2015 — 10:38 AM
curleyqueue says:
I like the number references, especially if this tells us something about the character’s personality- like an obsession with time, or schedules or even a compulsive disorder. I think it could have more punch by being broken into a couple sentences as others suggested, but there’s a quirkiness and humor in the numbers.
September 14, 2015 — 11:07 AM
Melissa Evans says:
By the time the Mindwalker appeared in the middle of Tobias’ dream, he was already feeling overwhelmed by the circumstances of his day-to-day life.
September 14, 2015 — 10:19 AM
Kimberly Bowers says:
I’m intrigued by the Mindwalker, but the sentence lacks punch when this character has such an interesting ability. Delete the word feel and use action to show us overwhelmed.
September 14, 2015 — 11:01 AM
A. R. Stone says:
I’m also intrigued by the Mindwalker but a little confused. Who was overwhelmed? Was it Tobias, who was dreaming, or the Mindwalker?
September 14, 2015 — 11:23 AM
Gary Sylvester says:
Jesus sat on the curb — not the bible jesus, but the one who lives in South Phoenix. He had just shot a man.
September 14, 2015 — 10:24 AM
kdrose1 says:
Like it.
September 14, 2015 — 10:52 AM
Gary Sylvester says:
Thank you kdrose1, I appreciate the comment.
September 14, 2015 — 10:44 PM
Nels Wadycki says:
I feel like this would actually have more impact without the part about the bible (which I believe should be capitalized, as well as the second use of Jesus).
“Jesus sat on the curb. He had just shot a man.” Then you could talk about who Jesus is in a clever way while the reader is already hooked waiting to find out about who he shot and why.
September 14, 2015 — 11:14 AM
Gary Sylvester says:
Thank you Nels for the comment and suggestions. I’m new at this game, Jesus in Spanish is pronounced hay-soos, so I wanted to distingish between the two. I will leave out the Biblical references. Really not needed. Jesus is only 15 and wanted to belong to this southside gang, and this was the initiation. A way to gain “respect.” Lot to work on.
September 14, 2015 — 10:25 PM
groot says:
I wanted to start writing this novel so bad I stared at the blank page in front of me until bloody drops formed on my forehead.
September 14, 2015 — 10:28 AM
casslogan says:
The year Santa discovered the stock market Christmas changed.
September 14, 2015 — 10:29 AM
kdrose1 says:
Although this is technically a grammatically correct sentence I had to read it three times to understand it. I would play with structuring it.
September 14, 2015 — 10:50 AM
Lynn C-H (Goth Kitty Lady) says:
I think adding a comma after ‘market’ would make this flow better. And I really want to know what Santa playing the market is going to be like – I suspect nothing good is going to come of it. 😉
September 14, 2015 — 11:06 AM
casslogan says:
Thanks! I was wondering if a comma would be a good idea, now I know.
September 14, 2015 — 11:20 AM
Sarah W says:
The corpse in the window twitched slightly.
Corpses that look like they’ve been dead a week do not twitch – but then, corpses aren’t generally found hanging from meat hooks in the window of an abandoned bridal shop, either. He wore jeans and a blue-green shirt with the words “Bite Me” splayed across his chest, and someone had wrapped a white chain as thick as my thumb around his neck.
September 14, 2015 — 10:31 AM
kdrose1 says:
Second sentence is confusing. Is that the corpse?
September 14, 2015 — 10:46 AM
Sarah W says:
All three sentences are the same corpse.
September 14, 2015 — 11:08 AM
kdrose1 says:
I would state in the third sentence that this is the corpse you are talking about. ie.. this one, or this corpse wore to make it less confusing. Just me.
September 14, 2015 — 11:49 AM
Sarah W says:
That’s a good point. I’m kind of relying on the fact that nobody else has been introduced to let the reader draw the conclusion that we’re talking about the same corpse, but I can see where it might be confusing…
September 14, 2015 — 1:35 PM
Shannon says:
“If you destroy my family, Fina, I will do much worse to you. Not only will your father find out who has been plotting against him, he will no longer be able to protect the ones he holds most dear. Imagine his face when he realizes all trails lead back to you.”
September 14, 2015 — 10:39 AM
hopeclark says:
The last drawer of the cabinet, the one at floor level, slid out rough, like rust on rust, but the sight of the single-barrel whiskey bottle gave her an Easter-egg thrill.
September 14, 2015 — 10:42 AM
kdrose1 says:
Nice. My senses are involved along with curiosity.
September 14, 2015 — 10:53 AM
dragonmis says:
Mouse stood in the crow’s nest, her feet balanced against the roll and pitch of the ship and breathed in the smell of the sea.
September 14, 2015 — 10:42 AM
laurievarga says:
I like this. My only suggestion would be to change “breathed in” to “inhaled”. I don’t know why, it seems tighter that way.
September 14, 2015 — 1:38 PM
innerouterawkward says:
“Ichabod!” said a booming voice from each of the four speakers in the corners of the large freight elevator that was taking us farther and farther down below the world above.
September 14, 2015 — 10:43 AM
innerouterawkward says:
Apologies for punctuation mistakes >_<
September 14, 2015 — 10:46 AM
Fred G. Yost says:
Redemption sifted through the rubble, searching for anything that might be a clue as to what caused the fire at the manufacturing plant.
September 14, 2015 — 10:44 AM
Bystander says:
I am a liar.
September 14, 2015 — 10:48 AM
kdrose1 says:
Yep, I’d read more.
September 14, 2015 — 10:55 AM
Bystander says:
Mission accomplished! Thanks.
September 14, 2015 — 10:58 AM
A. R. Stone says:
That hooks me. 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 11:26 AM
maddaandhalfofthewholestory says:
With slight melancholy, he remembered the long, dark brown tunic which had been a gift from his beloved wife.
WIP of Diferion novel :>
September 14, 2015 — 10:53 AM
thatcalamity says:
I think that this idea might work better if you included a sense to the memory. Most people remember a smell, the touch, or the way something has faded or worn through in places. Maybe it had smelled like her?
September 14, 2015 — 4:05 PM
maddaandhalfofthewholestory says:
That is so freaky…
The actual paragraph actually is: On the dawn of that day, scent of rain lingered on the clothes he wore. With slight melancholy, he remembered the long, dark brown tunic which had been a gift from his beloved wife. He grabbed the velvet sleeve in his hand and rubbed it between his fingers to sense its smoothness. He smelled it, the scent that used to be his wife’s and was now reminiscent of the past.
I thought that rearranging the first two phrases would be best, but by your accounts, it’s just fine as it is. I’ve been worrying for nothing… *phew*
September 14, 2015 — 6:17 PM
Anthony says:
My mother never could sneak up on me.
September 14, 2015 — 10:54 AM
kdrose1 says:
Makes me want more which I think is the goal.
September 14, 2015 — 12:44 PM
Nels Wadycki says:
Our hero spins, a dervish with a Raptor pressed in each hand, spitting venom bullets in wild arcs. Her shoulder blades, elbows, and hips jostle against the hard surface of her partner’s back as they dance a reaper’s tango across cold durocrete pavement.
September 14, 2015 — 10:56 AM
laurievarga says:
Some interesting imagery here. I feel like you may have overworked this, I’m not really sure what’s going on. And is the hero on the top or the bottom? 😉
September 14, 2015 — 1:42 PM
dianelee says:
Today would have been our anniversary, if we hadn’t divorced and he hadn’t died.
September 14, 2015 — 10:57 AM
Laurel Avery says:
It’s still an anniversary, even after death and divorce, but if you give it a specific number it would make more sense. For instance, “Today would have been our 25th anniversary, if we hadn’t divorced and he hadn’t died.”
September 14, 2015 — 11:41 AM
J. C. McKenna says:
I’d been flirting with the greasy lardass for the last hour and I was beginning to wonder if he’d ever make a move.
September 14, 2015 — 10:58 AM
Sarah W says:
I’m curious why the narrator would want this guy to make a move…
September 14, 2015 — 11:10 AM
Clementine Danger says:
This is really interesting. For me, when I start reading a book, the first thing I instinctively do is start looking for someone to root for. Doesn’t have to be the protagonist, doesn’t have to be a shining hero, but for me personally, there has to be someone around I can like, admire or both. Someone I understand and want to succeed. (It’s why I don’t read books with nothing but anti-heroes and/or villains very often.)
So this sentence activates that impulse in me right of the bat. Who’s the sympathetic person in this exchange? Both/neither/one of them? Who can I root for? Is the “greasy lardass” a bad person somehow and is the narrator making some sort of sacrifice? Or is s/he being prejudiced against a perfectly nice person who just happens to be a little greasy and fat?
It sounds silly when I type it out like that, but that’s what this does for me. When two characters are in confrontation like this, I start looking for the “good” guy and the “bad” guy, if there’s any of either to be had. And this opening triggers that impulse for me like you wouldn’t believe. If the internet is to be believed, antagonistic flirting is the most brutal kind of warfare you can possibly engage in. So I’m definitely hooked, at least until that itch gets scratched, and then something else will need to present itself to keep the momentum going.
Which is to say, yeah, I like it.
September 14, 2015 — 11:35 AM
Beth says:
This exact reaction. Why? Why are you flirting with someone you have contempt for? Who are you? What are you up to? Why should I listen to your story? *gives narrator the side eye* Yeah, I’d keep reading.
September 14, 2015 — 1:01 PM
Lawson says:
On my step-mother’s fifty-second birthday, after dreaming her whole miserable life that this moment might one day come, someone finally looked Stephanie in the eye and said those three magic words every little girl wants to hear: You have cancer.
September 14, 2015 — 10:58 AM
kdrose1 says:
Good idea for opening. However, I am totally confused as to who is what in this.
September 14, 2015 — 12:46 PM
Tracey says:
378.
September 14, 2015 — 10:59 AM
Laura Browning says:
With a hiss and a lurch, the bus stopped in front of Mountain Meadow General Store. Eric Waller surveyed the square as he grabbed his duffel bag and his backpack. No insurgents hiding here, he reassured himself as he moved down the nearly deserted aisle to the open bus door.
September 14, 2015 — 11:02 AM
Clementine Danger says:
The world always ends on October 15, 2035.
September 14, 2015 — 11:02 AM
AC Baldwin says:
I like it!
September 14, 2015 — 11:13 AM
Lawson Reinsch says:
I’d definitely read on. Super interesting narrator POV, not only knowing that the world will end but aware of the repeating cycle built into “always.” This kick starts all kinds of questions for me. If the narrator is a character, how can this character be outside of time (and thus able to know about the repeats)? Does he/she/it care? Does xe try to do anything about it? This time? Over and over? Also like that the date isn’t an equinox or solstice (or an eclipse. I checked.)
September 14, 2015 — 2:23 PM
Todd Weber says:
It was a dark and stormy night…
September 14, 2015 — 11:03 AM
Clementine Danger says:
You’re a braver person than I am, tackling that particular line. I admire your chutzpah and I really, really want to know what comes after. I’m guessing a joke, but I don’t know, and it itches me.
September 14, 2015 — 11:36 AM
Todd Weber says:
My second line: “And scratching the itch only made the night more ominous.”
September 14, 2015 — 5:08 PM
The Penultimate Universe says:
From my WIP…
“The Sirens had been deafening and blinding the convict for hours by the time he made his way to edge of the forest.”
September 14, 2015 — 11:06 AM
The Penultimate Universe says:
note: ‘sirens’ isn’t supposed to have a capital s. Slight formatting error. It means sirens as in the top of a police car, not some characters called sirens.
September 14, 2015 — 11:15 AM
Michelle Roberts says:
The heavy tread of steel shod boots marks a staccato beat that echoes off the stone stairs and stone walls down into my own private sanctuary.
September 14, 2015 — 11:10 AM
AC Baldwin says:
I like the music reference; it caught my eye right away! For me this doesn’t flow as well as it could. I’ll leave a biased suggestion that you’re free to ignore:
“The heavy tread of steel boots mark a staccato beat, echoing off the stone stairs and walls. By the time the sound reaches my private sanctuary below, it’s little more than a dull thud.”
September 14, 2015 — 11:47 AM
Michelle Roberts says:
Actually it’s quite the opposite of a receding sound. Here’s the first paragraph for context:
The heavy tread of steel shod boots marks a staccato beat that echoes off the stone stairs and stone walls down into my own private sanctuary. I look up, blowing wisps of hair out of my face, as a squad of armed guards bursts into the library. The captain of the guard and the ducal heir himself in their wake.
September 14, 2015 — 12:07 PM
thequillwitch says:
I write middle grade–you know, for kids So ,here goes:
“Barnaby knew that things were not in their place when his parents asked to speak to him.”
September 14, 2015 — 11:12 AM
AC Baldwin says:
The evening was cool and fair, as was suitable for the wedding of Laya Dane. The men outside who spoke in low voices did so knowing the curse would fall upon their houses next, but at least one of those men considered the matter important enough for the risk.
September 14, 2015 — 11:13 AM
brkingsolver says:
The Lady Kyra Treketh looked up from her embroidery as the door opened. Dorenda de Glaspan, her face flushed, trotted into the room waving her hands.
“They’re here! They’re just driving through the main gate,” Dorenda said.
September 14, 2015 — 11:13 AM
Michelle Roberts says:
I liked it. I’d definitely keep reading. One thing, though: I wouldn’t use Dorenda’s full name right away. I had to read it a couple times just to get the names straight in my head.
September 14, 2015 — 11:25 AM
Admin says:
From my Paranormal Romance WIP. (No really, it’s a romance;-)
A century had passed since Colin MacGregor killed his wife.
September 14, 2015 — 11:14 AM
L. McVay says:
I like this! I’m curious to know where the story is going to go. Is she coming back? Is he still alive? (I’m assuming so, but I could be wrong.) Good hook!
September 14, 2015 — 11:37 AM
Clementine Danger says:
This one leaves me a little ambiguous. I adore genre fiction in any form and I’m always looking for more of it, so this seems right up my alley. On the other hand, the story of an immortal/eternal sort of creature and lost love (even at their own hands) is a familiar conceit. I would definitely keep reading this, because I am a fan of the genre, but in my mind I already picture two or three storylines, beginning to end, because it is very familiar territory, an established trope.
I know the word “trope” might seem dismissive or insulting, but I’m not using it that way. I personally like a story that builds on established conventions. But it does have to build on it, clear a new path or offer a twist. Doesn’t have to be huge. Just something that makes me go “huh, haven’t seem that before.” It can be just a sentence or a plot detail early on. What it can’t be is just the story I’ve seen dozens of times before. You’re standing on the shoulders of giants with this opening.
This sentence being all I know of the story, I would definitely keep reading.
September 14, 2015 — 11:46 AM
kdrose1 says:
I’d keep reading because of the hook.
September 14, 2015 — 12:49 PM
Davida Chazan says:
Thursday, April 4, 1940
After Alice Pierce knocked, she could hear shuffling, and then quiet as someone looked out from the other side of the peephole. “Who is it?” the woman from inside called. “Good morning, Ma’am. My name is Alice Pierce. I’m from the Census Bureau. Do you have time to answer a few questions?” Pause, pause, pause, nothing. Then the light behind the small glass shifts, and Alice holds up her ID card. “Really, I’m sorry to disturb you but it will only take about a quarter of an hour or so.” As the lock turns, Alice hears a heavy sigh followed by mutterings in a language she doesn’t understand, followed by a “sure, sure, we get it over with, already.” When the door opens, the strong scents of bleach and wood polish assault her before the dark, boxy shaped figure with a chiseled frown came into view.
September 14, 2015 — 11:17 AM
Shane says:
Fire crackled and spat as Sadie ripped a brand from deep within the bonfire, using it to light her cigarette, and in that instant she sealed their fate—by night’s end, they’d all burn.
untitled urban fantasy wip
September 14, 2015 — 11:17 AM
cameronwalker27 says:
I like it!
September 14, 2015 — 12:34 PM
Shane says:
Thank you kindly!
September 14, 2015 — 7:55 PM
Michael E. Henderson says:
The rower, black of skin and dressed in colorful silks, propelled the gondola silently over the glassy water of the Grand Canal in the hazy blue light of early morning.
September 14, 2015 — 11:20 AM
Leigh K. Hunt says:
That moment just before you go on summer holiday is meant to be a moment you relish in a little. Instead I was sitting in my boss’s office, fidgeting, waiting.
September 14, 2015 — 11:26 AM
Carla L. says:
When the sympathy for my son dried up, I went out and bought a gun.
WIP: Two Graves
September 14, 2015 — 11:26 AM
Clementine Danger says:
I love the intensity here. This makes me feel like the story starts at eleven and is going to explode (or implode) very shorty, and very noisily. It’s urgent, it’s pissed off and righteous and raw and it absolutely needs to deliver on that huge promise. If it does, I’m a fan.
September 14, 2015 — 12:31 PM
kdrose1 says:
Yeah, very good start to hook .
September 14, 2015 — 12:51 PM
L. McVay says:
Six of us there were in the world’s youth. All six, my sisters; all six, my mothers.
September 14, 2015 — 11:28 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
I don’t understand it.
September 14, 2015 — 12:18 PM
Paul Carey says:
Middle Grade–and yes, I know it’s more than one sentence:
“Once upon a time—“
“Grampa, seriously?”
“You’ve got a problem with once upon a time, Luke?”
“It’s supposed to be a true story. From your past. It’s an assignment and I need a good grade. Mom said you’ve got a doozy of a story. She says when you were a kid you saved the world.”
September 14, 2015 — 11:37 AM
Toni J says:
Mine’s so mundane compared to all these great first lines.
Azalea dropped another scoop of Blue Moon Raspberry onto the already wobbly waffle cone.
September 14, 2015 — 11:37 AM
AC Baldwin says:
I actually love this. I’m picturing a young kid trying to prepare her own ice cream with fierce determination.
September 14, 2015 — 11:41 AM
L. McVay says:
I like it too. I was picturing a bored teenager working at an ice cream shop for the summer. 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 11:45 AM
Toni J says:
Ha, close! Bored college dropout serving a chubby little boy(who seems fiercely determined to bring on diabetes). It’s the good times before her life takes a turn for the weird.
Glad you both like it!
September 14, 2015 — 11:51 AM