Here’s a critique challenge:
Post the opening line to your WIP.
Drop it into the comments below. Note that by doing so, you open yourself up to some criticism — but you are also free to discuss other opening lines, too. (And it’s also worth noting that an opening line is in no way the end-all, be-all of a story. While we often like to have perfect opening lines, sometimes it’s more about a perfect opening paragraph or an elegant first page.)
Either way, if you want to play, go to the comments, leave behind your opening line for some constructive criticism. (And those offering criticism — please keep it constructive, thank you.)
leandrajwallace says:
I saw her today at the lake.
She played at the edge of the water with Velvet, laughing as the mechanical otter dove in and out of the water as smoothly as his namesake.
September 14, 2015 — 8:14 AM
laurievarga says:
This sets the scene and theme of the book quite nicely. I like the serene summer cottage-like setting you’ve created and then broken that cliche with a single word – “mechanical”.
September 14, 2015 — 9:19 AM
Senter says:
“Twelve minutes to midnight and the defector’s late, so meantime I raid his fridge.”
September 14, 2015 — 8:16 AM
pawel1976 says:
I would avoid contracted forms and add “in the” before the “meantime”, but these are small things. Apart from that… wow! Where can I read more? I am so into it!
September 14, 2015 — 9:44 AM
Nicole Laraia says:
I like the bit of personality this reveals while it sets up the action. Personally, I don’t think you need “meantime” but one sentence doesn’t give me much to work with to know if it fits your voice.
September 14, 2015 — 10:11 AM
Kara Jorgensen says:
Being elbow-deep in steamer engine innards and covered in grease was not how Hadley Sorrell expected her honeymoon to begin.
PS- story is steampunk, hence he steamer (like the old proto-car the Stanley Steamer)
September 14, 2015 — 8:16 AM
JT Lawrence says:
I like this.
September 14, 2015 — 8:24 AM
Katherine Hetzel says:
Like!
September 14, 2015 — 8:25 AM
addy says:
im hooked and wanting more!
September 14, 2015 — 8:26 AM
Kimberly Bowers says:
Perfect.
September 14, 2015 — 8:39 AM
W.R.Gingell says:
Really like this but would cut the ‘being’ at the front. IMO it slurs the effectiveness of the sentence a bit. It’s quicker and sharper without.
September 14, 2015 — 8:40 AM
carolyncharron says:
I agree with removing “being”. I liked this one too.
September 14, 2015 — 8:45 AM
laurievarga says:
I third that. Also, it’s pretty clear it’s steampunk from the first sentence – I don’t even read steampunk and I guessed the genre right away. Nice work!
September 14, 2015 — 9:11 AM
A. R. Stone says:
Nice!
September 14, 2015 — 9:13 AM
tomahawkrob says:
Covered in grease and elbow-deep in steamer engine innards and was not how Hadley Sorrell expected her honeymoon to begin. This way reads better for me. Could you use a proper noun instead of steamer? If you said Heptolite engine innards, it would make me want to know what one was, saying ‘steamer’ and you lay it all out right there.
Love Steampunk 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 10:53 AM
Jason Prugar says:
“I hate Thursdays.”
September 14, 2015 — 8:19 AM
laurievarga says:
This is great! It’s a nice spin on “I hate Mondays” which would be boring and cliche. Now I want to know why…
September 14, 2015 — 9:10 AM
Kimberly Bowers says:
Misty paused in the upstairs hall and listened to the weeping coming from the other side of the bedroom door, unnoticeable at first over the din of the tavern below.
September 14, 2015 — 8:19 AM
Latedra says:
Its interesting but i think we need a reason to care that she’s stopped. People cry behind closed doors all the time. What makes this character’s hidden tears different?
September 14, 2015 — 8:50 AM
Kimberly Bowers says:
Here’s the rest.
Misty paused in the upstairs hall and listened to the weeping coming from the other side of the bedroom door, unnoticeable at first over the din of the tavern below. She balanced the mug and trencher in one hand then cracked the door with the other. The weeping ceased.
“Go away,” a muffled voice commanded.
Misty followed the sound of Sable’s voice to a mound barely visible in the dark where Sable huddled beneath a blanket on the bed.
September 14, 2015 — 9:15 AM
Latedra says:
That does make more sense. Like Chuck said, sometimes its a first paragraph not just a first sentence.
September 18, 2015 — 12:24 PM
A. R. Stone says:
I’m visualizing this in my mind and maybe I’m not reading this correctly but if the weeping was unnoticeable (at first) why did she pause at the door? Is it that she didn’t hear the weeping until she was passing the door?
September 14, 2015 — 9:43 AM
Nyki Blatchley says:
“I liked the young Cauran king on our first meeting but, even before he’d made his plea, I knew this was the moment I’d been dreading for the last hundred years.”
September 14, 2015 — 8:19 AM
Jason Prugar says:
Kara,
I dig steampunk and I dig this line! I’d definitely read your tale.
September 14, 2015 — 8:20 AM
Travis Hall says:
The night before the Gallows Girls rode into town with the carnival, Colby Johnson, and every other resident of Kingdom Falls, dreamed of fire.
September 14, 2015 — 8:21 AM
JT Lawrence says:
Lovely!
September 14, 2015 — 8:23 AM
Amanda J Spedding says:
I really like this. Captured me from the first.
September 14, 2015 — 8:24 AM
Katherine Hetzel says:
Nice
September 14, 2015 — 8:25 AM
Latedra says:
Oooh! Sounds similar to Sarah Addison Allen novel. Is this magical realism? But its perfect.
September 14, 2015 — 8:53 AM
peg says:
This is great.
September 14, 2015 — 9:04 AM
Jodi says:
Yep. This makes me want more. Nice.
September 14, 2015 — 10:55 AM
Fred G. Yost says:
Nice.
September 14, 2015 — 11:04 AM
Susan K. Swords says:
Very nice! Draws you in right from the start. I really want to read more!
September 14, 2015 — 12:21 PM
Eugene C Scott says:
Trimmon Knox drops his knife on the doe’s ribcage, wipes sweat from his eyes, and scans the surrounding woods.
September 14, 2015 — 8:21 AM
davidjmobrien says:
like that. it’s sweaty work on a sunny morning. And sometimes blood brings other hunters your way (or he could be a poacher watching for the the ranger…)
September 14, 2015 — 9:04 AM
Amanda J Spedding says:
They let the cut-woman’s daughter swing for a week, that’s how Ŭlv told it.
September 14, 2015 — 8:23 AM
Kimberly Bowers says:
Nice.
September 14, 2015 — 8:40 AM
W.R.Gingell says:
I’d definitely read on.
September 14, 2015 — 8:41 AM
Latedra says:
I dont get it though it nay be because I’m not used to the genre.
September 14, 2015 — 8:55 AM
MadtotheVod says:
I think the author is implying the daughter has been hanged and left in the noose for a week
September 14, 2015 — 9:00 AM
Amanda J Spedding says:
Spot on, MadtotheVod. It obviously makes more sense with the rest of the paragraph:
They let the cut-woman’s daughter swing for a week, that’s how Ŭlv told it. Six nights she’d swelled and blackened, dancing to the creak of the rope as the king’s soldiers feasted beneath her feet. On the seventh night she’d walked among them, made lovers of them all.
September 14, 2015 — 9:14 AM
Lynn C-H (Goth Kitty Lady) says:
Wow, that went somewhere I didn’t expect. Nice twist!
September 14, 2015 — 9:44 AM
Harmonia says:
Holy sh– Wow D: Now I wanna read the rest of it!
September 14, 2015 — 10:19 AM
Fred G. Yost says:
The first line, on it’s own, didn’t grab my attention, but this paragraph certainly did. Awesome!
September 14, 2015 — 11:04 AM
Helen says:
What an intriguing opening – can’t wait to read more.
September 14, 2015 — 11:54 AM
Jennifer R. Donohue says:
This really hooked me and I would definitely keep reading
September 14, 2015 — 9:32 AM
Troy Bernhardt says:
“Excuse me, sir. Are you Dr. Bonner?” The good-looking stranger stood at Rod’s office door.
September 14, 2015 — 8:26 AM
Tabitha Lord Jorgensen says:
It was the last good day.
September 14, 2015 — 8:27 AM
christophergronlund says:
I’m a slap-happy optimist, and this would make me keep reading (no matter how bad the other days will be).
Nice and simple; got my attention!
September 14, 2015 — 9:03 AM
Melissa A. Graham says:
Riveting in its simplicity. Good job.
September 14, 2015 — 9:45 AM
laurieboris says:
The box arrived on a Tuesday and sat on the kitchen table for three days before Christina could bring herself to touch it.
September 14, 2015 — 8:29 AM
JT Lawrence says:
I like this.
September 14, 2015 — 8:35 AM
katstuff says:
This is awesome! I really want to know what’s in the box. I would definitely keep reading.
September 14, 2015 — 8:37 AM
carolyncharron says:
I’d definitely read on.
September 14, 2015 — 8:44 AM
Latedra says:
That is good.
September 14, 2015 — 8:56 AM
peg says:
This is the first one when scanning that made me wish I had the answer right now.
September 14, 2015 — 9:06 AM
Tim Kimber says:
If we could post gifs, you’d be looking at a picture of Brad Pitt right now holding a gun up and saying: “What’s in the box?!”
September 14, 2015 — 9:14 AM
Axl T says:
I’d cut out Tuesday unless it’s relevant and I’d totally yoda this : For three days the box sat on the kitchen table before Christina could bring herself to touch it.
September 14, 2015 — 9:17 AM
Heather A says:
Amy never thought she’d see the house that filled her nightmares again, and yet here she was, standing in front of it with her suitcase in her hands.
September 14, 2015 — 8:30 AM
MadtotheVod says:
Not sure on this one, think it could do with a little rewording
Amy clutched her suitcase in hands, staring up at the house from her nightmares. She had hoped never to see this place again (Thats not quite right either, sorry)
September 14, 2015 — 8:57 AM
carolyncharron says:
I like the image of this but the sentence structure is a bit confusing. ‘Again’ seems to imply that she is getting nightmares again but maybe it means she’d see the house again? You could also remove ‘standing’, it’s understood from the rest of the sentence.
September 14, 2015 — 8:58 AM
Lili Nemo says:
The idea intrigues me, but the placement of “again” says her nightmares are again filled with the house. Back in the olden days, diagramming sentences helped teach this stuff, lol. If you meant that, cool. If you meant ‘she never thought she’d see the house again’ maybe MtotheV has offered a solution.
September 14, 2015 — 9:15 AM
T Hammond says:
I like the idea, possibly some rearranging?
Amy never thought she’d see the house that filled her nightmares again, yet here she stood, suitcase in her hand.
September 14, 2015 — 5:38 PM
Heather A says:
Thanks for the replies, all! This one is a very rough WIP – I haven’t edited it over yet. Will definitely be reworking that first sentence ASAP! I’m thinking of cutting it down and into two sentences, adding a bit more information. I will have that up soon.
I love constructive criticism!
September 15, 2015 — 12:53 PM
peg says:
There were times Peter wished he was an orphan.
September 14, 2015 — 8:35 AM
Amanda J Spedding says:
I’d like to know why.
September 14, 2015 — 9:15 AM
laurievarga says:
This is lovely, clear and simple. Now I want to know what Peter’s parents have done 😉
September 14, 2015 — 9:17 AM
Varina Suellen Plonski says:
Or his siblings…
September 14, 2015 — 1:03 PM
todddillard says:
The sky is the taut blue of too-small tights, unmarred by bird, plane, hero, smoke, meteors, or screaming.
(Superhero novel–wondering if my list is too long)
September 14, 2015 — 8:37 AM
katstuff says:
This kind of confuses me. I had to read it several times to get the imagery.
September 14, 2015 — 8:39 AM
W.R.Gingell says:
I like it, but agree it could be cut by a word or two. Personally, I’d cut out ‘smoke’ and ‘screaming’ since neither really make sense to me in context. Just me, though, and I do love the sentence, especially comparing the sky with too-small tights 😀
September 14, 2015 — 8:42 AM
carolyncharron says:
I’m confused. I’d remove 2 or 3 of the items to make it clear.
September 14, 2015 — 8:48 AM
Travis Cole says:
its a little slow. I’d go
“Except for the screaming, the sky was unmarred by bird,plane or meteors.”
September 14, 2015 — 8:53 AM
peg says:
I think “the taut blue of too-small tights,” throws me here because I don’t attribute “taut” to “blue” and “blue” to “tights”. “The sky is unmarred by bird, plane, hero in too-small tights etc” still gets the superman comparison out there without pulling people out of the fictional dream.
September 14, 2015 — 9:11 AM
Lili Nemo says:
Your explanation of superhero novel made sense of the too-small tights, 😉 The list of ‘unmarred by’ is all visual, except “screaming”, & that threw me off. Depending on the POV, you might consider something like- “Colored like the taut (can a color be taut? How about semi-transparent? ^^ jk ) blue of his too-small tights, the sky was unmarred by…” however you decide to paint the rest of your mind picture of hero stuff. I must admit, the too-small tights piqued my curiosity!
September 14, 2015 — 9:31 AM
todddillard says:
Thanks everyone! I think I’ll just make it: “The sky is the taut blue of too-small tights, unmarred by bird, plane, or hero.”
September 14, 2015 — 1:08 PM
springinkerl says:
It took him only seconds to remember why he usually worked alone.
September 14, 2015 — 8:38 AM
MadtotheVod says:
Ha! Like this, would be interested to know more
September 14, 2015 — 8:40 AM
peg says:
This is good, sets up the character instantly.
September 14, 2015 — 9:12 AM
laurievarga says:
Ha ha, I sympathize with this character already. Great first line!
September 14, 2015 — 9:15 AM
Melissa A. Graham says:
LOL, I would keep reading cause it’s completely relatable and I would want to see what this poor soul is going through.
September 14, 2015 — 9:44 AM
springinkerl says:
Well, that poor soul is actually kind of an ass. An ass that can be pretty adorable at times, but still… ^^
September 14, 2015 — 2:52 PM
davidjmobrien says:
The man watched the hare graze calmly in the closely-cropped paddock.
September 14, 2015 — 8:38 AM
Laurel Avery says:
I think this would be better if we learned a little more about the man. It is certainly a bucolic scene, but unless the hare and/or the paddock are an important part of the story, the second part of the sentence could be replaced with something to pique my curiosity to keep me reading.
September 14, 2015 — 11:27 AM
davidjmobrien says:
Thanks. The rest of the paragraph explains that the man is about to catch and eat the hare. It’s like Chuck said, sometimes it’s the first paragraph or page… but that’s my WIP at the mo!
September 15, 2015 — 3:05 AM
A Citizen of the World says:
From a short story I’m working on:
The house stood there: sad, silent, and slightly surreal as most abandoned houses often are. Often, but not invariably. Sometimes, an abandoned houses can be a barely contained box of misery or malice or mischief.
September 14, 2015 — 8:42 AM
A Citizen of the World says:
GAH! Typo: “Sometime, an abandoned HOUSE” (not “houses”).
September 14, 2015 — 8:50 AM
Axl T says:
The house stood there: sad, silent, surreal.
September 14, 2015 — 9:20 AM
peg says:
Agree with this. Might want to say “The abandoned house stood there:” but it says exactly what those two sentences say and is more immediate.
September 14, 2015 — 10:05 AM
joseph sidari says:
Kneeling beside his patient, Charlie tried to palpate the man’s neck in order to feel for a carotid pulse, but his hand refused.
September 14, 2015 — 8:42 AM
Amanda J Spedding says:
Refused is contradictory to what’s happening. If Charlie is palpating the man’s neck, then his hand is actually doing something. Is it more he was unable to find a pulse?
September 14, 2015 — 9:17 AM
josephsidari says:
Thanks for the comment. He is about to have a Tourette’s spell, and his hand has a mind of its own, hence the verb choice.
September 15, 2015 — 6:48 PM
Lili Nemo says:
Maybe change ‘tried’ to ‘wanted’.
September 14, 2015 — 9:39 AM
josephsidari says:
Interesting . . maybe. Thanks for the comment
September 15, 2015 — 6:51 PM
Harmonia says:
As I understand, Charlie is a doctor, hence all the medical words — but as someone who trains to be a doctor and has worked under several already I can tell you that in practice, no one ever says “palpate” or “carotid pulse”, especially not when a man is dying. Too much medic in too little space. Personally, it made me, like, trip over these words and I had to stop and analyze. It just doesn’t seem to flow. Perhaps it would work better if you wrote: “Charlie kneeled beside the man, already reaching to his neck for a pulse, but his hand stopped midway and just refused to move.”?
September 14, 2015 — 10:25 AM
josephsidari says:
Thanks for the feedback. You may be right about the density of medical lingo. Charlie the paramedic (protagonist) has Tourette’s Syndrome, and is about to have a whopper of an attack, his hand twitching during this scene instead of feeling for a pulse. One line is so hard to get a feel for the scene, but sometimes that’s all you get.
September 15, 2015 — 6:46 PM
Lili says:
Are you well versed in the effects of Tourette’s? I’ve never heard of the motor tics referred to as attacks.
September 17, 2015 — 10:32 AM
chrisdubecki says:
“It’s the end o’ days?” Pit crunched through a stalk of celery. “’Ain’t no end to days. Just people.”
September 14, 2015 — 8:43 AM
MadtotheVod says:
Ha, immediately thought, if its the end of people, then why bother eating celery? 🙂 but would like to know more
September 14, 2015 — 8:55 AM
Latedra says:
People say that I’ve killed Thomas, the brother of the town’s golden girl, my best friend. Thomas was my best friend too. I may have. I have killed before. The night Thomas died is a blur on repeat.The fact that I’m not sure if I didn’t kill Thomas bothers me. I liked Thomas. He loved me. The world is unfair that way. So is the man in black. He likes the taste of fear. Mostly mine.
September 14, 2015 — 8:45 AM
Kimberly Bowers says:
Re-word and you have the perfect opening sentence: People say I killed Thomas. I’ve killed before. I liked Tomas. He was my best friend. The world is unfair that way, but the man in black likes the taste of fear. Mostly mine.
You’ve nailed unreliable narrator, but I would re-word to increase suspense.
September 14, 2015 — 9:33 AM
Jodi says:
I think you have a lot of great things to work with, but some rewording and restructuring would tighten it up and give it more oomph.
maybe something like: They say I killed Thomas. That night is a blur. He was my best friend. I liked him. He loved me. I’ve killed before. I wouldn’t kill my best friend, would I? The man in black seems to think so. He likes the taste of fear. Mostly mine.
September 14, 2015 — 10:51 AM
Harmonia says:
Personally, I like it the way it is. This doesn’t seem to be about suspense, it’s about a person who’s lost in their own thoughts and are trying to fing a way out — and our thoughts don’t come together to form a suspense, they come together as loose ends that sometimes fit.
So, if your goal was to show how a person thinks, it’s great and good work.
September 14, 2015 — 11:43 AM
Latedra says:
Thank you guys. Harmonia you are correct. This isnt a suspenseful scene. I want the reader inside Bethany’s head. I want them to be convinced that she is convinced she didn’t do it while thinking that she really did it. She is a very troubled girl. I wanted to open with this because being a murder is the least of her problems and blah blah blah..lol. Thank ya’ll for the feed back.
September 14, 2015 — 7:57 PM
Perrin says:
Kiyomi kneeled before the door to the Heir’s private quarters. The door guard, almost twice her height and more than five times her mass, leaned in her direction and took a deep sniff. Kiyomi dared not raise her face to meet what she knew to be the guard’s eyes, flat disks of gold peering out from eye-ridges like caves. She could hear the soft creaking of the guard’s scaly skin as the chest expanded for what seemed like minutes, then relaxed with an exhale that no Human could possibly have duplicated. The guard’s deep voice sounded like it came from the bottom of a well, but still somehow carried feminine resonaces; “Enter, slave. Do your duties and honor your betters.”
September 14, 2015 — 8:46 AM
addy says:
i really like this. I havent read many fantasy books where humans are already inslaved.
September 14, 2015 — 8:58 AM
Travis Cole says:
“It’s been a while since I fed someone to a gator.” I said, standing in the festering humidity of a New Orleans summer night
September 14, 2015 — 8:50 AM
MadtotheVod says:
Like this one, already intrigued on whether someone will get eaten
September 14, 2015 — 8:53 AM
Latedra says:
This good. I would read more.
September 14, 2015 — 9:03 AM
laurievarga says:
Well-written! It’s simple and has just enough description to perfectly set the scene in only a few words.
September 14, 2015 — 9:14 AM
Axl T says:
yes
September 14, 2015 — 9:21 AM
Lili Nemo says:
“It’s been a while since I fed someone to a gator,” I said, standing in the festering humidity of a New Orleans summer night.
September 14, 2015 — 9:43 AM
Jodi says:
This is a great example of how to break the “rules” and do it well. Dialogue and weather in the first line. Nicely done, and I would read more.
Comment before mine caught the comma after gator instead of period 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 10:35 AM
weylyn42 says:
I shouldn’t be here.
September 14, 2015 — 8:53 AM
christophergronlund says:
June Mangione is born shortly after her mother is cut in half.
September 14, 2015 — 8:56 AM
addy says:
being cut in half or being born so bloody would be more truamatic. But this sentence seems too light hearted.
September 14, 2015 — 9:03 AM
christophergronlund says:
Her mother is a magician’s assistant 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 9:05 AM
addy says:
OH OK! this is brilliant! sorry, it needed context but that would definetly robe me in
September 14, 2015 — 11:19 AM
Lynn C-H (Goth Kitty Lady) says:
Okay, I’m intrigued – way to start off with an interesting visual!
September 14, 2015 — 9:13 AM
peg says:
I like this, magician or not, it makes me want to know what’s going on.
September 14, 2015 — 9:14 AM
Axl T says:
Something feels off about the tenses. nice idea
September 14, 2015 — 9:24 AM
christophergronlund says:
Thanks for the feedback about tenses. It IS something that’s rolled around in my head. Most people…it seems to slide right by (that the book is in the present tense, but you can argue that June’s birth happens at this moment dictated by “is” and that her mother being cut in half is also in that same plane of exact time, even thought her action took place shortly before June’s birth). Something to think about a bit more.
I appreciate everyone’s feedback, and thank Chuck for giving everyone a place to share opening lines. Some great stuff being written 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 1:16 PM
Kimberly Bowers says:
At first I pictured some medieval scene then I read the comments and laughed. I would read this book.
September 14, 2015 — 9:41 AM
Comic Noobs says:
To most people, the State Security Tower was the most intimidating building in the city. But to me, ever since Connie pointed it out, it just looks like a penis.
September 14, 2015 — 8:59 AM
MadtotheVod says:
Short opening, made me choke (with laughter)
September 14, 2015 — 9:01 AM
MadtotheVod says:
Forgot to add, would like to read more
September 14, 2015 — 9:01 AM
A. R. Stone says:
Thank you for making me spit coffee on my laptop. 😉
September 14, 2015 — 9:17 AM
Axl T says:
To most people, the State Security Tower was the most intimidating building in the city. But ever since Connie pointed it out, I just see a giant penis.
September 14, 2015 — 9:31 AM
Lili Nemo says:
I love the visual! Consider the mismatched tenses- To most people, the State Security Tower is (was) the most intimidating building in the city. But ever since Connie pointed it out, to me it just looks like a penis.
September 14, 2015 — 9:48 AM
Comic Noobs says:
Thanks everyone! Also, thanks for the advice Axl T and Lili Nemo!
September 14, 2015 — 3:42 PM
carolyncharron says:
Emma sat cross-legged in the warmth of her small hide shelter and ignored the far-off sounds of traffic.
September 14, 2015 — 9:01 AM
davidjmobrien says:
love the juxtaposition of the shelter and traffic, and wondering where she is.
September 14, 2015 — 9:06 AM
Kimberly Bowers says:
Poignant.
September 14, 2015 — 9:47 AM
Lili Nemo says:
I would read on. But I’m a little confused by the small hide shelter. Is it a small shelter? A small hide as in animal skin? Or even a small shelter to hide in? No matter your intent, I would have continued to read because Emma has separated herself from society and I want to know why.
September 14, 2015 — 9:53 AM
carolyncharron says:
Thank you for your comments!
I think the next sentences would clear up your question: Thin tendrils of smoke wafted through the dim tent and she pulled them deep into her lungs. The pungent odor of the sage smudge on her tiny brazier filled her mouth, making her salivate.
September 14, 2015 — 10:56 AM
Dan Dan The Art Man says:
“Ron racked the slide of his handgun, lowered it to his side, and stepped from the well lit room into darkness.”
Young Adult near future SciFi adventure where the fight is against people with implanted nanotechnology that makes them stronger and heal quickly but also screws up their brains and turns them into zombies.
September 14, 2015 — 9:02 AM
MadtotheVod says:
“Young Adult near future SciFi adventure where the fight is against people with implanted nanotechnology that makes them stronger and heal quickly but also screws up their brains and turns them into zombies.” I like this concept, if this was in the blurb, I would give the first couple of pages a shot
September 14, 2015 — 9:05 AM
Tom Martin says:
“Rubbish.”
September 14, 2015 — 9:02 AM
Alice E Keyes says:
I stuffed my skirts into the sidecar of the noisy, steam-belching, two-wheeled mechanical horse.
September 14, 2015 — 9:03 AM
Laurel Avery says:
Nice.
September 14, 2015 — 11:31 AM
sporkdelis says:
“The Z-war was and still is the most defining moment in Human history. On Z-day, we remember those who fell protecting the Human race, then rose again to defend the Zombie race. In this documentary we analyze—”
“Could someone shut off that shit?” I yell across the break room.
September 14, 2015 — 9:03 AM
addy says:
brilliant! just brilliant
September 14, 2015 — 9:05 AM
Axl T says:
I’d change ‘moment’ to ‘conflict’… cool idea… want to know
September 14, 2015 — 9:26 AM
A. R. Stone says:
Nice! I can hear myself yelling the same thing. 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 9:47 AM
lisacle says:
I love this! 😎
September 14, 2015 — 1:41 PM
Caryn McGill says:
The boy’s body tossed wildly on turbulent waters, his vacant eyes black as the sea.
September 14, 2015 — 9:07 AM
A. R. Stone says:
Hmm .. “body” and “vacant” eyes to me, imply the boy is dead.
September 14, 2015 — 9:50 AM
Kimberly Bowers says:
Very visual. I like it.
September 14, 2015 — 9:52 AM
sknicholls says:
There was only one thing worse for business than not solving cases and that was keeping a new client waiting
September 14, 2015 — 9:10 AM
Lynn C-H (Goth Kitty Lady) says:
Oooh, one of my favorite genres! I would put a comma between ‘cases’ and ‘and’, but that may just be me.
September 14, 2015 — 9:58 AM
Princess of Dragons says:
Rana’s feet swung with the rolling motion of the cart, the dirt path of the road changing every second.
September 14, 2015 — 9:12 AM
Stephani Hren says:
Started something new last night. Here are the first two paragraphs:
The sand gives away underneath the tread of my boots. I slide a few feet down the dune and then stumble to catch myself. Even now, after miles of walking, the shifting sands are unfamiliar and treacherous. Already I yearn for the slick wetness of freshly fallen leaves underfoot.
The desert sun casts a shimmering pallor over the sands, but Quan Ma is etched out underneath the eternal shadow of the rock formations and cliffs that surround it. Its lines are jagged and torn against the backdrop of the setting sun. The shadows that cover it like a veil are not the warm summer shadows of sunlight cast through leaves, but the black blotches of a heavy-handed chiaroscuro.
September 14, 2015 — 9:14 AM
markhwarner says:
Flies tormented the boy’s face and hands, landed, bit into exposed flesh.
September 14, 2015 — 9:16 AM
MadtotheVod says:
Its tricky without knowing the rest of the paragraph, but it might work better in present tense
Flies torment the boy, attacking (flailing / unmoving) hands, biting into his exposed flesh
September 14, 2015 — 9:34 AM
Allison says:
I really like the image this brings up. Creepy. Could be any situation from the vulgar to a simple day in the park.
September 14, 2015 — 9:42 AM
Stuart Land says:
This could be shortened to increase the intensity… “Flies tormented the boy’s face and hands, biting into his flesh.” Not necessary to record every action or adjective because they are inferred.
September 14, 2015 — 10:01 AM
Meredith says:
Aren’s knuckles stung as they connected solidly with Lammers’ face. “That’s for the crack about my sister, Lammers!” she spat, as the stupid lout spun away from her.
(YA science fiction).
September 14, 2015 — 9:16 AM
tomahawkrob says:
I’d delete ‘solidly’ and the second Lammers or replace the first one with ‘his’. I think the ‘!’ does the work for ‘she spat..etc’ so this could be deleted, or if she is actually spitting, make it a new sentence.
September 14, 2015 — 9:28 AM
jod says:
I shouldn’t have named her, the women in the cell connected to mine.
September 14, 2015 — 9:18 AM
MadtotheVod says:
Reminds me of V for Vendetta, interesting opening, would like to know more
September 14, 2015 — 9:27 AM
Amanda J Spedding says:
I really like this. Nicely done. Makes me want to read more.
September 14, 2015 — 9:32 AM
A. R. Stone says:
I like it and would read more.
September 14, 2015 — 9:52 AM
Kimberly Bowers says:
Intriguing. I like this. May benefit from re-wording: I shouldn’t have named the woman in the cell adjacent to mine. Or for more immediacy without redundancy: I shouldn’t have named the woman in the adjacent cell.
September 14, 2015 — 10:04 AM
Book of Butts (@Nezchan) says:
The feel of my foot coming down on the catwalk brought me to awareness, as if I’d somehow fallen asleep between steps. A moment’s disorientation passed over me, that feeling of suddenly not knowing where you are when you really should.
—
I’m SUPER not happy with that, so advice is appreciated, harsh or otherwise.
September 14, 2015 — 9:19 AM
Amanda J Spedding says:
My first suggestion would be to lose the word ‘feel’ — it doesn’t give enough to the reader, it’s a little too passive. Eg. My foot slammed against the catwalk, snapping me to awareness, etc. By making it more active, the reader experiences as the character does. Just my two cents worth. 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 9:39 AM
Book of Butts (@Nezchan) says:
Good thought. I’m actually drawing off a personal experience, where I was so tired I literally fell asleep between steps and got lost in a hallway due to the disorientation. Different reasons here, but I wanted to get that feeling across. I think you’re right, using more active language makes sense.
September 14, 2015 — 9:47 AM
Sarah W says:
Maybe this would work a little better? Borrowing from Amanda’s comment as well…
My foot coming down on the catwalk brought me to awareness, as if I’d somehow fallen asleep between steps. For a moment, I didn’t know where I was – even though I really should.
September 14, 2015 — 11:45 AM
Book of Butts (@Nezchan) says:
That’s good stuff right there. I may have to modify it a little, but I like it.
September 14, 2015 — 12:18 PM
Kelli says:
It was at that moment, standing knee deep in the icy, roaring sea with a blade to my throat, I knew was in love with Bill.
September 14, 2015 — 9:21 AM
Melissa A. Graham says:
Whoa, I’d keep reading to find out if Bill was the one with the knife to her throat 😛
September 14, 2015 — 9:40 AM
Amanda J Spedding says:
I like it, but I’d start it at: Standing knee-deep in the… etc.
September 14, 2015 — 9:41 AM
Kimberly Bowers says:
Agree. Love it.
September 14, 2015 — 10:38 AM
Kelli says:
Thank you, Melissa, Amanda, and Kimberly! 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 1:30 PM
Melissa A. Graham says:
I have a few WIP to contribute.
WIP 1:
I was eleven years old when I lost my best friend. She was thirteen now, going through all of those changes we learn about in school or from our mothers, and I was still a child. Still just an ignorant kid that simply wanted to play with her big sister. It almost seemed like it had happened overnight. One day, we were outside playing in the trees that lined our backyard. The next, our mom was keeping her close at hand.
I realize, now, that was when I started to resent my mother. She was keeping Lorelei from me and I didn’t know why.
WIP 2:
I… am a doormat. No, seriously. They should just engrave “Welcome” on my forehead. I should be tucking myself in on my, incredibly uncomfortable, dorm mattress and losing sleep over the ensuing class schedule. Nope. Instead, I am losing sleep driving my ho-best friend to San Diego to meet up with some Johnny Cash wannabe. I should have just made the girl drive herself– it’s not my love affair, not my dream to live in Cali with the movie stars. Yet, here I am. Wherever the hell “here” is.
WIP 3:
Screams of agonizing pain rang out through the corridors, bouncing off every corner to search out anyone that could hear it. Outside the doors, a man and woman waited with arms wrapped around each other and nervous grins stretched on their faces. Their eyes locked on the windowless steel door that separated them from the screaming. Not once did they flinch or wince in sympathy. They simply stood there, expectantly, as the unknown happened inside.
(These are in the very early stages so, yes, there are some grammatical errors)
September 14, 2015 — 9:25 AM
deb says:
She knew how she was going to die, just not when, but she hoped it wouldn’t be tonight. There was something in the cards about tomorrow, but not enough to wear a seatbelt over.
September 14, 2015 — 9:25 AM
Melissa A. Graham says:
Interesting…
September 14, 2015 — 9:38 AM
A. R. Stone says:
Interesting. I think it might flow a bit better, for me at least, if you broke the opening sentence up. “She knew how she was going to die, just not when. She hoped it wouldn’t be tonight.” or “She knew how she was going to die, just not when; she hoped it wouldn’t be tonight.”
September 14, 2015 — 9:56 AM
Barb says:
“Atika ran. She ran and ran and ran and ran.”
I fear mine isn’t that good hence why it might be a good idea to share it.
September 14, 2015 — 9:28 AM
Amanda J Spedding says:
That’s a lot of running! 🙂 Maybe try adding some part of her surroundings or emotion into it to really give us an idea of what’s happening. Just my thoughts. Cool name, though.
September 14, 2015 — 9:34 AM
Lynn C-H (Goth Kitty Lady) says:
Actually, I like the rhythm this sets up – it reminds me of the sort of line you’d find in a children’s book, the kind your kid wants you to read over and over again.
September 14, 2015 — 9:41 AM
Harmonia says:
I agree with Lynn. The rhythm and the feeling is great here. When someone is running, and more importantly, when someone is trying to escape, they don’t think about their emotions or their surroundings, they just, well, run. There will be space for descriptions when she’s safe and still.
September 14, 2015 — 10:34 AM
Harmonia says:
To Evoke the Ghost of a Smile:
“Strong, chilly wind pushed ahead big and heavy clouds which slowly flowed over her head. She was leaning against the wall and her legs dangled freely from the edge of the roof as she reveled in the cool air of the evening. Next to her, there was a white mask in a strange curved shape — she took it off so the wind could blow over her tired face. She watched the white fluffies without a ghost of a smile.”
September 14, 2015 — 9:29 AM
David Stovall says:
He could feel a drop of blood form at the end of his nose and he watched as it detached, then fall to the deck to form a perfect quarter-size splatter near his feet.
September 14, 2015 — 9:30 AM
Harmonia says:
You have a grammatical error right there: “it detached, then FELL” or “he watched it detach, then fall to the deck” (which I personally like more).
Also, splatters are barely ever perfect, but it doesn’t hurt much. Overall — interesting and catchy, I like it.
September 14, 2015 — 10:30 AM
Barb says:
I like it but I wonder, how does one watch something fall from the tip of their own nose?
September 14, 2015 — 7:21 PM
Mist says:
They squint.
September 14, 2015 — 9:39 PM
Barb says:
Truly? I am by no means short nosed but I can’t see the tip (where moisture would form) no matter how hard I squint.
September 15, 2015 — 8:17 AM
David says:
Thanks for the question. Later in the opening its revealed that my character is handcuffed to a ships helm and looking downward after being beaten to reveal information.
September 15, 2015 — 10:11 AM
laurievarga says:
Sky felt her body resting at an odd angle and she tried to move but her limbs would not respond. She drifted back into a tranquil state until the sound of squeaky wheels and the rip of velcro forced her eyes to flutter open.
September 14, 2015 — 9:31 AM
Lynn C-H (Goth Kitty Lady) says:
There are many, many things which can derail a train: mud, ice, rockfalls. And, much less commonly, explosives.
September 14, 2015 — 9:33 AM
MadtotheVod says:
Ha intriguing, would like to read more
September 14, 2015 — 9:35 AM
A. R. Stone says:
I would definitely keep reading. I’m not sure about “many, many ..” though. I think one “many” feels tighter, sharper and is enough.
September 14, 2015 — 10:00 AM
Allison says:
The rusty bike lay on its side, forgotten and abandoned once it had ceased to do its job and support its rider.
September 14, 2015 — 9:39 AM
Harmonia says:
I think you can cut the sentence at “forgotten and abandoned.” and just move on. The rest of it just describes what “forgotten and abandoned” means and it disturbs the flow. If you end it short, the two strong words will still ring in the reader’s mind as they keep going.
September 14, 2015 — 10:32 AM
Terri Jones says:
Denny drifted awake so slowly, and with so little sensation, that he might have been floating in space.
September 14, 2015 — 9:40 AM