Here’s a critique challenge:
Post the opening line to your WIP.
Drop it into the comments below. Note that by doing so, you open yourself up to some criticism — but you are also free to discuss other opening lines, too. (And it’s also worth noting that an opening line is in no way the end-all, be-all of a story. While we often like to have perfect opening lines, sometimes it’s more about a perfect opening paragraph or an elegant first page.)
Either way, if you want to play, go to the comments, leave behind your opening line for some constructive criticism. (And those offering criticism — please keep it constructive, thank you.)
JT Lawrence says:
There is a knock on the hotel room door that Raven had left slightly ajar. It’s the waiter from the downstairs bar. His hands are full so he opens the portal a fraction further with a polished brogue.
September 14, 2015 — 6:51 AM
Tim Kimber says:
I like this, but I think your choice of the word “portal” is a little peculiar. Who calls a door a portal? I get that you’re trying to avoid word repetition, though, but considering you’ve mentioned the door and how it has been left ajar, and no other object is mentioned in between, might a simple “it” suffice?
September 14, 2015 — 7:18 AM
JT Lawrence says:
Thanks Tim. Raven is a witch, so the use of ‘portal’ (even though it is just a regular door) is to evoke a more magical atmosphere. Does that change your mind, or does it still bother you?
September 14, 2015 — 8:09 AM
Tim Kimber says:
Hmmm. I’m not sure. But then, I’ve not read much witchcraft fiction. There is nothing else “mystical” in the paragraph (I actually thought it was going to be a spy story), so it kind of stands out for me when I’m not sure you particularly want it to, you know?
September 14, 2015 — 8:12 AM
JT Lawrence says:
I guess it’s going to be a tricky thing to navigate. It’s not exactly witchcraft fiction — she’s a hip, multi-tasking, hexing and texting modernday witch — and is very much grounded in ordinary day-to-day life, replete with agoraphobia and a mortgage.
September 14, 2015 — 8:22 AM
Tim Kimber says:
Well, I certainly like the sound of that.
September 14, 2015 — 8:32 AM
Kimberly Bowers says:
I agree with Tim. Any story wherein the reader must suspend belief, ground them in the mundane. Use of the word portal for door will do one of two things. It will inform readers that this exit/entrance is something magical or it will yank them from the story and they’ll see words on a page rather than the world you’ve created for them. Use door for doors and portal for portals, otherwise, you risk confusing your reader on the magical elements. Don’t convey atmosphere with vocabulary. Do it through action, dialogue, and sensory input.
September 14, 2015 — 8:37 AM
tomahawkrob says:
I’m a bit confused on the POV. With the door closed how does she(?) know it is the waiter or that his hands are full, she would just see the boot entering. The last sentence seems a bit awk. How about something like, His hands full and seeing no other option he nudges the portal open with his brogue. (I has to look up ‘brogue’ but I’ll assume your IR knows what one is.)
September 14, 2015 — 8:32 AM
JT Lawrence says:
Thanks tomahawkrob. The door is never closed. POV is omniscient. You had to look up ‘brogue’? Just as a matter of interest — what would you call a brogue in American English?
September 14, 2015 — 8:47 AM
tomahawkrob says:
According to the internet wizards at google, a ‘brogue’ is a specific type of shoe and I’m not up to speed on my shore lore. In Australia, I call them shoes. On the first read I though it was some kind of random implement. I’m not complaining but if your target audience doesn’t know what one is, then they will be lost and probably wont keep reading.
It was a bit rude he didn’t wait for an answer before entering, and the detail makes me think he is something more than a waiter? Otherwise why do we care what he thinks or feels.
I think most people would agree that slightly ajar means closed but not latched.
I agree with the others about portal, it doesn’t lead me to think of a physically movable object.
September 14, 2015 — 10:23 AM
Axl T says:
How does he knock if his hands are full?
September 14, 2015 — 8:53 AM
JT Lawrence says:
That, Axl T, is a very good point. Ha!
September 14, 2015 — 9:03 AM
JT Lawrence says:
This feedback has been so damn helpful. I have cut my first paragraph. My new first line is:
“You’re naked!” he says, as red wings spread along his cheeks like Rorschach ink blots.
September 15, 2015 — 3:27 AM
Tim Kimber says:
That… is definitely going in a different direction. Like it!
September 15, 2015 — 10:58 AM
JT Lawrence says:
She was naked all along! We just got distracted by portholes and brogues.
September 15, 2015 — 2:50 PM
Haralambi Markov (@HaralambiMarkov) says:
“The courtyards were most dangerous in the morning.” – this is the opening line for the first chapter proper. I have something of a prologue that is of a work that has been published before, so I didn’t think that would count as much.
September 14, 2015 — 6:52 AM
Haralambi Markov (@HaralambiMarkov) says:
Oh well since I’m seeing paragraphs, might as well post the opening paragraph:
“The courtyards were most dangerous in the morning. As the sun rose and the world woke to be a burning hell, the earth shifted with the stirs of beasts. The snakes prepared for their daily pilgrimage to the deep desert canyons to hunt for things no man wishes to face and then bake in the blistering heat once fed. “
September 14, 2015 — 6:54 AM
vanderso says:
I like the first sentence all by itself. The rest is good, too, but I like the stark simplicity of the first sentence.
September 14, 2015 — 7:56 AM
Tim Kimber says:
Bleek, I like it. But we shift from an urban setting to canyons very quickly. I kind of want to know more about the courtyards!
September 14, 2015 — 8:06 AM
JT Lawrence says:
I love the first line. The rest is a bit over the top for me, for a first paragraph. I feel like I got left behind in the courtyard.
September 14, 2015 — 8:10 AM
Latedra says:
I like the sentence by itself too. I think we just need a little more context about the story before you jump into the beast and the snakes. I had to read it a few times to understand what you were trying to convey. But it seems like my kind of story.
September 14, 2015 — 9:13 AM
Tim Kimber says:
“He awoke for the first time, slowly, and in pain. Every cell in his skin seemed singed with electric pangs, as though tearing asunder and fusing, over and over. His muscles tensed with the realisation of consciousness, fingers scraping through the dirt beneath him, clinging to the planet as a newborn to its mother. A stinging wind cut into bare skin.”
(The book is set in the Afterlife)
September 14, 2015 — 6:52 AM
JT Lawrence says:
I like this, but find the description of physical sensations too much. I would simplify it to make it sing.
“His fingers scraped the dirt beneath him — there was electric pain — as he lay clinging to the planet like a newborn to its mother.”
September 14, 2015 — 8:30 AM
Tim Kimber says:
Hmmm, perhaps it is a bit much. It certainly needs some work.
Thanks for the feedback!
September 14, 2015 — 8:39 AM
JT Lawrence says:
As you said in an earlier comment, it’s not always a good thing to critique a first line or paragraph. Best to see it in context to offer truly constructive feedback.
September 14, 2015 — 8:52 AM
Kimberly Bowers says:
I would delete the second sentence. One always hears that the afterlife is bliss. No tears. No pain. Perfect peace, so I love that the first sensation is one of pain. Love the imagery here and the comparison to birth. I would read this book.
September 14, 2015 — 11:11 AM
Tim Kimber says:
That’s probably the best thing you could have said. “I would read this book.” That’s made my day that has. Thanks!
September 14, 2015 — 11:39 AM
tomahawkrob says:
I really like this but it could be made tighter. May I suggest:
“He awoke for the first time. Muscles tensed with the realisation of consciousness and fingers scraping through the dirt. Every skin cell scorched with electric pangs, as though repeatedly tearing asunder and fusing back together.”
I feel that ‘clinging to the planet’ gives an odd image, a bit like Atlas, maybe, ‘clinging to the soft earth as a newborn to his mother’ (or her but newborns are not its).
September 15, 2015 — 9:32 AM
Tim Kimber says:
Interesting point. You don’t think you can refer to a baby as “it”? If no gender is mentioned, does it matter? Especially here, in metaphor, where the sex is inconsequential.
Thanks for the feedback Rob.
September 15, 2015 — 11:13 AM
tomahawkrob says:
Using him or her gives the metaphor a more human feel and makes it more identifiable.
September 16, 2015 — 4:56 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
Removing the 2nd and last sentences pares this down nicely, conserving the very best of what you’ve written without losing a thing, I think.
September 21, 2015 — 1:56 PM
Casey Hagen says:
“I never liked him!”
September 14, 2015 — 6:56 AM
addy says:
who and why? you’ve hooked me in because i want to know. i like it as it is
September 14, 2015 — 7:30 AM
Lili Nemo says:
I agree with Addy.
September 14, 2015 — 7:45 AM
JT Lawrence says:
I like this, but not sure about the exclamation mark.
September 14, 2015 — 7:57 AM
Casey Hagen says:
No worries, the exclamation point makes perfect sense once you read the following line 😀
September 14, 2015 — 11:05 AM
Maryann Kovalski says:
The rivulet of sweat that began in Kit Gallagher’s hairless armpit snakes down the side of her body to the scratchy waist of her wool tunic.
September 14, 2015 — 6:57 AM
maskedplatypus says:
So she shaves her pits, but wears scratchy wool tunics. What is this setting? Yeah, you’d def. get me to read the next sentence
September 14, 2015 — 7:21 PM
otaeli says:
A harsh clanking noise echoed through the water, distorted and loud in the silence permeating the room.
September 14, 2015 — 7:00 AM
Patrick says:
I like it, but I think the word “noise” is unnecessary. Reads cleaner to me without it.
September 14, 2015 — 8:30 AM
MadtotheVod says:
I agree
September 14, 2015 — 8:35 AM
Amanda J Spedding says:
I don’t think the word ‘harsh’ works here, as water would dull any sound. But otherwise, I’m intrigued.
September 14, 2015 — 9:05 AM
james livsey says:
In that hour too early for most early risers and too late for most late to bedders, a half light, just enough to see by, cast shadows across the face of the only person on the long street.
September 14, 2015 — 7:00 AM
maskedplatypus says:
It’s… sleepy. It’s great wordsmithery, but not a compelling opening. I want something to grab me by the face.
September 14, 2015 — 7:23 PM
james livsey says:
Great advice – thanks! 🙂
September 15, 2015 — 6:44 AM
Laurel Avery says:
“Six words were my resurrection.”
September 14, 2015 — 7:01 AM
Alison DeLuca (@AlisonDeLuca) says:
So simple, and yet you grabbed my attention at once.
September 14, 2015 — 7:27 AM
JT Lawrence says:
Nice!
September 14, 2015 — 7:56 AM
Maggie says:
Damn. I really want to know what those six words were now.
September 14, 2015 — 7:59 AM
glenavailable says:
If Laurel was to insert the word ‘magical’ inbetween ‘Six’ and ‘words’ well, there’s the six words!
September 15, 2015 — 3:54 AM
Laurel Avery says:
I actually changed that sentence once because it was six words, but not the six words I was referring to. I didn’t want to mislead the reader.
September 17, 2015 — 2:47 AM
JT Lawrence says:
… now you need to tell us what those six words were.
September 14, 2015 — 8:11 AM
Amanda J Spedding says:
I like this. Piqued my interest.
September 14, 2015 — 8:19 AM
Axl T says:
YES
September 14, 2015 — 8:55 AM
christophergronlund says:
Yep, I’d keep reading!
September 14, 2015 — 8:59 AM
A. R. Stone says:
Tight and elegant. You make me want more.
September 14, 2015 — 9:22 AM
lynnvroman says:
Love this!
September 14, 2015 — 9:44 AM
Fred G. Yost says:
You’ve got my interest.
September 14, 2015 — 10:47 AM
Fuchs A. H. says:
Damn words :DD Great!!!
September 14, 2015 — 3:53 PM
MadtotheVod says:
Daniel listlessly chews on the cold bacon, before methodically slicing through his eggs, clinically separating the yolk. The overcooked eggs are not so much sunny side up as they are misery side down.
September 14, 2015 — 7:02 AM
Patrick says:
Wow! Thems some adverbs. It can work if it’s meant to be tongue-in-cheek.
September 14, 2015 — 8:32 AM
JT Lawrence says:
LOVE “misery side down” — ha! But would cut the adverbs. Listlessly, methodically, clinically — all implied and unnecessary.
September 14, 2015 — 8:33 AM
curleyqueue says:
I actually like the second sentence best!
September 14, 2015 — 8:35 AM
Patrick says:
I might even say that the second sentence could be the first. It tells us everything that the first does (eating breakfast) and is much snappier.
September 14, 2015 — 8:38 AM
MadtotheVod says:
I like that suggestion, thanks
September 14, 2015 — 8:41 AM
JT Lawrence says:
Wow, that’s excellent advice. THAT as a first line is awesome.
September 14, 2015 — 8:41 AM
Fred G. Yost says:
Great advice.
September 14, 2015 — 10:48 AM
Laurel Avery says:
Yes, excellent second sentence! Moving the second sentence to the first and removing most of the adverbs would make it shine.
September 14, 2015 — 11:01 AM
MadtotheVod says:
Ok, have changed it to
“The overcooked eggs are not so much sunny side up as they are misery side down . Daniel listlessly chews on the cold bacon, before slicing through his eggs, separating the yolk.. He applies a generous later of butter to the cooling toast and munches. There was a time where he would have enjoyed this, a time when she would have joined him, even cautiously warned him of the cholesterol. He snorts and moves towards the coffee pot for some thick brown sludge. There was a time, back in the old days, those days when she could still remember how to smile.”
Big big thank you to you guys
September 14, 2015 — 8:43 AM
Patrick says:
I’ll try again if you don’t mind.
The overcooked eggs are not so much sunny side up as they are misery side down . There was a time where he would have enjoyed this, a time when she would have joined him, even cautiously warned him of the cholesterol. He snorts and moves towards the coffee pot for some thick brown sludge. There was a time, back in the old days, those days when she could still remember how to smile.
September 14, 2015 — 8:46 AM
MadtotheVod says:
Not quite but like the suggestion, wanted to convey how much he is comfort eating but getting so little enjoyment out of it, but perhaps too much description. Also the anxiety factor of tearing things apart out of stress. Thanks though 🙂 v. helpful
September 14, 2015 — 9:24 AM
Comic Noobs says:
Love that last bit! Maybe try to edit out some of the adverbs to let it flow better, but damn good!
September 14, 2015 — 8:57 AM
Axl T says:
Second line is great
September 14, 2015 — 8:57 AM
laurievarga says:
“The overcooked eggs are not so much sunny side up as they are misery side down.” < That line is freaking awesome!
September 14, 2015 — 9:23 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
Daniels’s overcooked eggs are not so much sunny side up as they are misery side down. <<–That's it. That's all I need to want to read on. 🙂
September 21, 2015 — 2:00 PM
slayitalldown says:
Trepenac embraced a sensation of dread at the sound of his wards arriving home, noisily opening and closing the main entrance, stomping boots and clopping hooves onto the already battered floor, their loud girly voices warbling utter nonsense with no consideration for the din they were creating.
September 14, 2015 — 7:02 AM
Lili Nemo says:
There is much to question here- wards…hmmm, why would someone you care for bring dread? Boots and hooves on the battered floor? Are they partially hooved, or riding some beast inside? Girly voices warbling? Hmmm… lots to ponder with that! I would keep reading.
September 14, 2015 — 7:52 AM
Katherine Hetzel says:
Lots going on in here – there are questions raised, (hooves?) but I found it a bit overwhelming.
Can you simplify it and still give us the same sense of what’s happening? Maybe something like ‘Trepenac embraced the feeling of dread as the sound of hooves clopping and doors slamming and girly voices warbling utter nonsense announced the return of his wards.’
September 14, 2015 — 8:24 AM
slayitalldown says:
Ooh, great point! I admit to a few crimes – no tidy up and a copy straight from my first draft, so it’s the brain-to-paper version… I tend to think in run-on sentences. That’s an excellent point on tightening prose, I cherish your input. Thank you!
September 14, 2015 — 8:31 AM
Maggie says:
The [i]Acheron[/i] exits the jump gate and the engines cut.
September 14, 2015 — 7:02 AM
Maggie says:
Opening paragraph:
The Acheron exits the jump gate and the engines cut. The ship begins falling towards Wolfgang as the superjovian’s massive gravity grabs it. I let the Friend-or-Foe recognition protocols do their work. In an ideal universe, I’d have eight people to crew the ship, but it is far from a perfect universe. I have me, my engineer Tika, and a slew of virtual intelligence routines. I make do.
September 14, 2015 — 7:07 AM
A. R. Stone says:
It’s a lot to digest, but you’ve done an excellent job of setting the scene and introducing what would seem to be the main character as well as a supporting character.
September 14, 2015 — 9:27 AM
Epheros says:
In honor of your release of Aftermath, the opening line is:
Dark and stormy, the night was.
September 14, 2015 — 7:02 AM
W.R.Gingell says:
Hah! 😀
September 14, 2015 — 7:21 AM
Tim Kimber says:
I’m imagining Yoda getting smashed on rum-and-gingers.
September 14, 2015 — 8:09 AM
SamKD says:
MIghtier than lightsaber your pen is. 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 10:42 AM
markadamthomas says:
His name was Fane, and he was my hero. He wasn’t immortal, exactly, but close enough. Fane was the sheriff, and darn if he wasn’t invincible.
(Weird Western Fantasy)
September 14, 2015 — 7:03 AM
Varina Suellen Plonski says:
Okay, I want this book!
September 14, 2015 — 1:26 PM
Lyle says:
I want to live forever.
September 14, 2015 — 7:04 AM
maskedplatypus says:
And who doesn’t?
But it’s a good 5 words to start with. Opens the need to find out if that want can be literally satisfied or what? Good line
September 14, 2015 — 7:25 PM
Jo Vraca says:
Beth unfolded the letter onto the smooth stone bench and leaned down to kiss the words, neat little 12-point, single-spaced, dark-grey (not black) sans-serif words.
September 14, 2015 — 7:07 AM
serendipitousmc says:
I like this a lot. It draws me right in. I want to know: what does the letter say? Why are they so meaningful that she’d kiss them? Who is she?
Great start!
September 14, 2015 — 7:21 AM
Tim Kimber says:
And why the fascination with the typography? Perhaps she’s a writer of some description? Hope there’s something of that ilk – it’s a nice way to evoke character by noticing things other people might not.
September 14, 2015 — 7:24 AM
W.R.Gingell says:
I like this one, too. Particularly the detail about the words. Gives a real sense of character for the letter writer.
September 14, 2015 — 7:23 AM
Alison DeLuca (@AlisonDeLuca) says:
Yes, very visual. This leapt to life in my mind at once.
September 14, 2015 — 7:28 AM
larryhogue says:
That’s wonderful! Very specific detail that gives the letter more mysterious import. The sentence also has a great rhythm to it.
September 14, 2015 — 7:38 AM
JT Lawrence says:
I like this.
September 14, 2015 — 7:58 AM
slayitalldown says:
I like that this is immediately from the characters POV, and her thoughts are immediately apparent. It begins right away with a sense of her personality.
September 14, 2015 — 8:25 AM
Bibliobibuli says:
“Getting a black eye was not the most ideal way to start the day. But at least it got Alice out of Math.” – not even sure if I’ll really stick with this, but I wanted to set the tone for urban fantasy(-ish) YA.
September 14, 2015 — 7:15 AM
W.R.Gingell says:
I’d read on. It’s a good ‘un.
September 14, 2015 — 8:45 AM
MadtotheVod says:
Ah no one usually likes maths. I like it, implies Alice is in trouble / bullied at school without saying too much too soon
September 14, 2015 — 8:51 AM
A Citizen of the World says:
This sounds very promising. I imagine Alice must’ve got into a dust-up with some bully?
September 14, 2015 — 8:54 AM
Axl T says:
Nice
September 14, 2015 — 8:58 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
I would delete “most” — unneeded modifier of a superlative (“ideal”). Otherwise: perfection!
September 21, 2015 — 2:04 PM
SKSwords says:
“Once again, the soda machine got the best of her.”
September 14, 2015 — 7:22 AM
MadtotheVod says:
Ha! I like that one
September 14, 2015 — 7:22 AM
Susan K. Swords says:
Thank you!
September 14, 2015 — 11:49 AM
larryhogue says:
That’s great – a situation we can all relate to.
September 14, 2015 — 7:39 AM
Susan K. Swords says:
Definitely. I’ve been there too many times – with soda, granola bars, and those small light bags of potato chips that have almost no weight.
September 14, 2015 — 11:48 AM
Haralambi Markov (@HaralambiMarkov) says:
And now I want to read the rest of this. It’s the perfect opening. Instant hook and so relateable.
September 14, 2015 — 7:46 AM
Susan K. Swords says:
Thank you! I really hope that some day you get to do that. 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 11:48 AM
JT Lawrence says:
I want to know more.
September 14, 2015 — 7:59 AM
Susan K. Swords says:
Thanks! This seems like it’s The Worst Day Ever for my protagonist, but it’s only the start. A day later, she starts getting transported to alternate universes, with no warning and no idea why. I want to tell her story of how she figures out why it’s happening, and tries to make the best of it.
September 14, 2015 — 11:47 AM
Pavowski says:
It’s got characterization, a hint of location, and the roots of a conflict. Nice.
September 14, 2015 — 8:17 AM
Susan K. Swords says:
Thank you! I’m so glad to hear you say this, because that’s exactly what I was trying to do: set up everything that happens after this one unfortunate event.
September 14, 2015 — 11:43 AM
mark matthews says:
Very well done. Simple. Universal. The best of first lines, I’m thinking, remind you immediately of your own experiences and almost make you want to write the second. This one nails it. I took the liberty to write on for my own amusement “She rocked the mother-fucker until it tipped, and when it fell on her chest and crushed her sternum, she saw the warning label: may cause serious injury or death. One of these was certainly coming.”
September 14, 2015 — 10:03 AM
Susan K. Swords says:
*laughing so hard* Could you please write the rest of this book for me?
You’re actually very close. When the can gets stuck as it starts to drop, she grabs the vending machine and tries to rock it. She’s in college and is already late for class, so she’s extra stressed and annoyed to begin with. A TA scolds her for abusing the machine. Little does she know that’s the least of the encounters she’ll have with him…
September 14, 2015 — 11:41 AM
Laurel Avery says:
Well done! Who hasn’t had that experience?
September 14, 2015 — 11:04 AM
Susan K. Swords says:
Thank you! I sure have. Write what you know…
September 14, 2015 — 11:42 AM
kirizar says:
Snort.
September 17, 2015 — 6:14 PM
Trish says:
Waving and smiling,I yelled. “Hi Tony, remember me? You know, Jess your new assistant river ranger. “I pulled the rubber ducky (as everyone calls it) to the water’s edge and timidly put one foot in the center, wondering what to do next.
September 14, 2015 — 7:22 AM
A Citizen of the World says:
This made me smile because I pictured a slightly overenthusiastic young man trying to into a giant rubber ducky!
I want to know more!
September 14, 2015 — 8:48 AM
Susan K. Swords says:
I really like what you’re setting up here. Sounds like a slightly nerdy but very enthusiastic and well-intentioned new employee. Who can’t relate to that???
If I may make a suggestion: start right off with the quote. “Hi Tony! Remember me? You know – Jess, your new assistant river ranger.” Then, start a second paragraph, maybe with Jess waving and smiling while he or she struggles with pulling The Rubber Ducky :)))) to the water’s edge and stepping inside.
IMO, you don’t need the descriptions of waving and smiling – we can envision her smiling as she says this.
September 14, 2015 — 11:39 AM
asuiterclarke says:
“There was no undoing what she had done.”
September 14, 2015 — 7:23 AM
Lili Nemo says:
The sense of regret rings through. I want to know of what, and why.
September 14, 2015 — 7:56 AM
asuiterclarke says:
Thank you for the feedback!
September 20, 2015 — 2:05 AM
JT Lawrence says:
I’m intrigued.
September 14, 2015 — 7:59 AM
asuiterclarke says:
Thanks!
September 20, 2015 — 2:06 AM
Pavowski says:
I’m intrigued, too, but I know absolutely nothing about who she is or what she’s done. I feel if you can sideways slip just a hint of that information in, it’d be a lot stronger.
September 14, 2015 — 8:16 AM
asuiterclarke says:
Thanks for the feedback! I will take it on board.
September 20, 2015 — 2:06 AM
laurievarga says:
I like this quite a bit. It’s simple and clear – there’s no pretension or evidence that the writing is trying to look smarter than it is. There’s far too much of that in other books. I’m curious to know where this story leads, I want to read more.
September 14, 2015 — 9:09 AM
asuiterclarke says:
Thank you for saying that! I always want to have the most beautiful opening lines, but usually there is just something like “This person did this thing” and bang, you’re in the scene. At least, that’s what I hope.
September 20, 2015 — 2:07 AM
A. R. Stone says:
I would keep reading. 🙂
September 14, 2015 — 9:31 AM
asuiterclarke says:
What more could I ask for? Thank you!
September 20, 2015 — 2:07 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
Outstanding opening line.
September 21, 2015 — 2:05 PM
W.R.Gingell says:
“There’s a fine line between the perception of misfortune and intent when it comes to a series of unfortunate events.”
I like the first two sentences together better, tho:
“There’s a fine line between the perception of misfortune and intent when it comes to a series of unfortunate events. Three dead fiancees, two lost sweethearts, and a few mutilated flirts tended to slip from the realms of coincidence and into that of deliberate mischance, thought King Markon.”
September 14, 2015 — 7:25 AM
JT Lawrence says:
Very nice. My only problem with it (and it’s a small problem) is that ‘a series of unfortunate events’ makes me think of Lemony Snickets and then that is the overriding visual in my head, which is a shame because the writing is great.
September 14, 2015 — 8:02 AM
W.R.Gingell says:
Thanks 🙂 I did think of the Lemony Snickett thing, but went with it anyways, since I figured not everyone would have read those books 😀 P’raps I was wrong…
September 14, 2015 — 8:29 AM
W.R.Gingell says:
Thanks, JT 🙂 I did think of the Lemony Snicket thing, and then went with it anyway cos I figured not everyone would have read the books. Apparently I was wrong… 😀
September 14, 2015 — 8:47 AM
JT Lawrence says:
I still love it.
September 14, 2015 — 8:52 AM
W.R.Gingell says:
Hooray!
September 15, 2015 — 11:15 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
I would work to eliminate the echo in the first sentence with “misfortune” and “unfortunate” and simplify the two sentences into one. Perhaps: “Perception walks a fine line between unfortunate coincidence and deliberate intent when the subject is three dead fiancees, two lost sweethearts, and a few mutilated flirts, thought King Markon.” (I hope you don’t think I’ve taken too much liberty with your prose.)
September 21, 2015 — 2:11 PM
W.R.Gingell says:
Not at all 🙂 Thanks for your input 🙂
September 21, 2015 — 6:01 PM
Laura says:
The duke of Guerraine had no sons.
September 14, 2015 — 7:26 AM
addy says:
this is interesting. i am wondering why and if it is a lack of spouse, fertility or something more sinister.
September 14, 2015 — 7:36 AM
JT Lawrence says:
Nice.
September 14, 2015 — 8:02 AM
Laurel Avery says:
This is good. One can get a sense already of where the story is going.
September 14, 2015 — 11:07 AM
A. R. Stone says:
“They’re not going to let me update my clone before my execution,” said the man. He shuffled the few steps across the tiny holding cell he was alone in, head lowered, eyes sagged half closed.
September 14, 2015 — 7:28 AM
Kimberly Bowers says:
Intriguing.
September 14, 2015 — 8:58 AM
mitziflyte says:
She thought ventilators made more noise,
September 14, 2015 — 7:30 AM
JT Lawrence says:
Intriguing … is something missing?
September 14, 2015 — 8:03 AM
peggy says:
I love this opening.
September 14, 2015 — 8:07 AM
lynnvroman says:
This is so perfect! So much emotion is infused here in such a simple way.
September 14, 2015 — 9:48 AM
James Galloway says:
Decelerating from over one hundred times the speed of light was generally a slow and delicate
procedure. For a ponderous bulk hauler it would take the best part of a day but even a vessel rigged
for speed to the extent of the Northern Light would normally take an hour or more to slow to relativistic velocity.
September 14, 2015 — 7:33 AM
maskedplatypus says:
ok, i like that it implies that there is going to be very sudden deceleration.
But because it implies rapid change, I think your opening needs move a lot faster. Don’t tell me about ponderous bulk haulers. That’s distracting from the subject. Move directly to the ship at hand. Somthing like:
“Even though the Northern Light was built for speed, it normally took an hour or more to slow to relativistic velocity.”
That gets us in the action much faster.
Also, I’m assuming that your greater-than-light-speed mechanics are using physics that Einstein didn’t anticipate.
September 14, 2015 — 7:33 PM
katstuff says:
Angela stood before the creature, neither defiant nor cowering. While she was afraid — and who wouldn’t be — she somehow knew that they didn’t intend to hurt her. Not yet anyway.
September 14, 2015 — 7:33 AM
maskedplatypus says:
i want to strike out “they” and replace it with “it.”
But that’s not important.
You want stuff that moves, imo. Being neither defiant nor cowering is describing what is not. It implies nothingness. Angela is “luke warm.” Maybe instead give us what she does feel — besides afraid, which seems mostly incidental here. Curious? Hopeful? Nervous? Distressed? Give me something to identify with.
September 14, 2015 — 7:37 PM
addy says:
my death was neither quick nor painless but it certainly wasnt the end of me.
September 14, 2015 — 7:33 AM
JT Lawrence says:
Like this a lot.
September 14, 2015 — 8:03 AM
addy says:
thanks 😀
September 14, 2015 — 8:16 AM
laurievarga says:
I really like this. For some reason the word “but” bothers me. Could “and” work here? Or even “though”?
September 14, 2015 — 9:25 AM
addy says:
I have been toying with that wording as well. I think though might work best. Thanks
September 14, 2015 — 11:18 AM
Fred G. Yost says:
Oooh, nice. I like it.
September 14, 2015 — 10:53 AM
christophergronlund says:
That would pull me in for more. Plenty of good stuff in one compact sentence.
September 14, 2015 — 9:12 PM
addy says:
Thanks!
September 15, 2015 — 1:01 AM
L.C. Rooney (@LCRooney_Author) says:
Perfection!
September 21, 2015 — 2:14 PM
addy says:
Thanks 😀
September 21, 2015 — 5:51 PM
Ice says:
‘The world has changed and it will never be the same again.’
😉
September 14, 2015 — 7:34 AM
maskedplatypus says:
while I like the concept of irreversible disruption, here, it’s too universal. Could be a break up. Could be an extinction level event.
September 14, 2015 — 7:39 PM
Mark Matthews says:
It all started quiet, thick quiet, like you have cotton in your ears and all you can hear is your own organs at work.
(Sequel to Milk-Blood. First chapter is 2nd person pov)
September 14, 2015 — 7:36 AM
larryhogue says:
That’s a classic way to start – something’s about to happen and it ain’t gonna be quiet. I liked “thick quiet” too. (2nd person though – tricky, and I salute you if you pull it off.)
September 14, 2015 — 7:46 AM
Mark Matthews says:
Thank you! A sequel to Milk-Blood. You, the reader, are the writer of the first book’s psychiatrist. He finds your home, breaks in, brings in a dead body, then hands you a manuscript before killing himself on your kitchen floor. Rest of the book is you reading, the whole ‘book within a book” concept.
September 14, 2015 — 8:13 AM
Helen says:
I like the description of quiet being ‘thick quiet’ – I’ve never given a thought to the differnet kinds of quiet but this first line describes it perfectly. I would definitely read on to find out why the character is experiencing this.
September 14, 2015 — 7:54 AM
JT Lawrence says:
Lovely stuff. Would love to read more.
September 14, 2015 — 8:04 AM
Pavowski says:
Gross, and sets a nice (though not really “nice”) visceral tone. Kinda creeps me out. In a good way.
September 14, 2015 — 8:18 AM
Kimberly Bowers says:
I know this quiet. You really can hear your organs work. Awesome.
September 14, 2015 — 9:02 AM
Axl T says:
Rai fucking hated being moved.
September 14, 2015 — 7:38 AM
vanderso says:
I’m very curious to know what Rai is! I imagine some sort of curled-up creature, possibly reptilian.
September 14, 2015 — 8:01 AM
Axl T says:
Thank for the comment! Line 2:
Never mind potential data loss — memories that he had to leave behind — moving just felt like {Death}.
September 14, 2015 — 9:04 AM
Pavowski says:
I’m hardly an opponent of profanity; a well-placed swear is often just the spice you need. But for me personally, reading it in the first line of a book, before I have any sense for who Rai is or what her situation is, would just be a turn off. Really harsh for an opening line.
September 14, 2015 — 8:11 AM
Axl T says:
Thanks. I do get your point, though harsh is what I’m going for.
September 14, 2015 — 9:07 AM
glenavailable says:
Well said Pavowski.
September 15, 2015 — 4:50 AM
Amanda J Spedding says:
I’ve no problem with the profanity — if it works for the character then go for it.
September 14, 2015 — 8:21 AM
Helen says:
Well, it certainly stands out – I would have to read on and find out why Rai was being moved.
September 14, 2015 — 8:22 AM
Kimberly Bowers says:
I like this. Such a short sentence but it sets the mood and hooks the reader in an instant.
September 14, 2015 — 9:06 AM
tomahawkrob says:
This is a bit of a dead sentence. There is not much to make me to find out why. Instead, I’m like, okay and stop reading. How about something like:
Rai eyeballed the guard (or whomever), ‘You fucking touch me and I’ll slice your balls off.’
September 14, 2015 — 9:07 AM
Tim Kimber says:
Regarding profanity, I just started reading The Martian by Andy Weir – a resounding success I think we can all agree.
Here’s the first line:
I’m pretty much fucked.
—
I guess that pretty much clears that up, then.
September 30, 2015 — 4:34 AM
Helen says:
The Thames looked dark and menacing just before sunset and Ezra knew it kept bad secrets.
September 14, 2015 — 7:38 AM
Joy B Tobin says:
I like it. I think you could get away without the phrase “bad secrets” though. I think just saying secrets is stronger. The bad part it mostly implied by the dark and menacing look of the river.
September 14, 2015 — 3:52 PM
Pavowski says:
Lila just couldn’t get the timing right. Despite all the preparations, all the instructions, and all the experimentations, she couldn’t get in sync with this camera.
…I haven’t read that opening in quite a while. Reminds me of some things I need to do with the story…
September 14, 2015 — 7:39 AM
Joy B Tobin says:
I’m having a hard time figuring out the significance of being in sync with the camera. The first thing that comes to mind is that she’s a performer, but then being in sync with the camera doesn’t quite follow. My next though was that she’s a photographer and that made much more sense to me. I think it might be possible to give a more vivid picture of the preparations, instructions, and experimentations… but then again maybe not, since this is only the first lines.
At any rate, I would read on from here to find out.
September 14, 2015 — 3:59 PM
Pavowski says:
Right on. Yeah, she’s a photographer, but I didn’t want to bludgeon a reader with a ton of jargon right off the gun. Thanks for the thoughts!
September 14, 2015 — 5:30 PM
Lili Nemo says:
“Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of wealth and taste,” the raspy, but perfectly pitched voice crooned, seducing the littered alleyway alongside the tattoo shop.
This particular WIP is mostly at the outline stage… but I’ve toyed with this as the opener, using the antagonist as the first introduced character.
September 14, 2015 — 7:39 AM
Jennifer Rupp says:
I have heard from other writers (but I have not checked with an attorney) that using song titles is okay but not song lyrics. Does anyone out there know the facts on this kind of copyright stuff?
September 14, 2015 — 8:50 AM
mark matthews says:
I’ve thought of using them with the sole purpose of getting sued and getting some cheap PR.
(not really) (well, maybe)
September 14, 2015 — 9:58 AM
Lili Nemo says:
TY, Jennifer, I hadn’t consider it an issue before you brought it up. I researched it and found that it is indeed in question because of the usage- foreshadowing the character. I found this- “According to our legal expert Amy Cook, there isn’t any specific law about how much you can take under fair use, but it’s common for the music industry to say you need permission for even one line of a song.” (http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/questions-and-quandaries/legal-questions/can-i-use-song-lyrics-in-my-manuscript)
I’m glad you posted.
September 14, 2015 — 10:06 AM
Jennifer Rupp says:
Glad you found an answer. I had wrestled with the matter myself and figured better just use a title and not tempt fate. Thanks!
September 14, 2015 — 9:53 PM
Lili Nemo says:
Rewrite…
Cyrus Edgar Coe sang the first line of the Stones’ old tune “Sympathy for the Devil”; the raspy, but perfectly pitched voice crooned, seducing the litter to swirl in dust devils along the length of the tattoo shop’s alley.
I think this will be litigation-free. 😉
September 14, 2015 — 10:17 AM
Jennifer Rupp says:
I like it.
September 14, 2015 — 9:55 PM
Lili says:
Thanks, Jennifer. It took me ten minutes to re-find the post to find critiques on it, lol. I hope the next challenge is a link back to personal blogs for comments…. 969 comments are wicked to weed through. But I get the publicity traffic it provides…
btw, I like your blog.
September 17, 2015 — 10:57 AM
CJ says:
The sound of a shoe’s heel catching against cobblestone echoed in the dusk like a shot.
September 14, 2015 — 7:39 AM
Peggy says:
Remove “sound of a” and your sentence has more impact. I would also change “catching” to a more specific sound. The “like a shot” gives a mood to the sentence, which makes the reader want to keep going.
September 14, 2015 — 8:06 AM
leandrajwallace says:
I like this! Feels very crime-ish. =)
September 14, 2015 — 8:15 AM
tomahawkrob says:
I would delete – ‘like a shot’ I think it confuses the imagery and feels separated.
September 14, 2015 — 8:58 AM
CJ says:
Thanks guys! Great advice and I’ll be revising with this in mind ! 🙂
September 16, 2015 — 6:49 PM
jayspencergreen says:
After a mere four hours and twenty-nine minutes of research in the library that day, Ivy Feckett had identified no fewer than 739 derogatory or otherwise euphemistic terms for the female genitalia.
September 14, 2015 — 7:44 AM
laurievarga says:
There are a number of things I like about this. You’ve set the scene well and I really like the character’s name. You’ve also managed to paint a clear picture of who she is without excessive description.
September 14, 2015 — 9:27 AM
myzlilith says:
Computers are all around us – at school, at home, in phones, TVs and cars. We use them to browse the internet, to play games, to watch movies, to chat to one another, to write and draw pictures. You probably use computers all the time.
(Non-fiction book on computer programming for 10-year-olds – am currently suffering first-time-author nerves/imposter syndrome and haven’t even dared share chapter with my co-author yet! So this is my stop being a coward post!)
September 14, 2015 — 7:47 AM
Joy B Tobin says:
This is a very clean, simple opening for a non-fiction computer programming book for 10-year-olds.
On the other hand… I’ve met 10-year-olds who know more about computers than I do and this might be speaking down to them a bit.
September 14, 2015 — 4:06 PM
Jess says:
It’s difficult to believe that my story could end and begin so simply, with a girl. It’s also difficult to imagine that this is the end mostly because it continues. Is it an incredibly narcissistic and vapid notion that here, wherever I am is the end because I feel it so?
September 14, 2015 — 7:50 AM
Laurel Avery says:
I think the first sentence is quite good. Then I get a little lost. Perhaps remove the second two sentences and tell us something about the girl or begin your story?
September 14, 2015 — 11:14 AM
RCheri says:
This is great advice… I agree completely. Opening line is sweet, and personal, but begs for more information right away or quickly turns purple.
Also, a warning: if your story is actually all about the girl, then this opening line may be misleading/inappropriate. Example: in A New Hope (Star Wars, Ep IV), Luke’s whole story really does start with a girl – Princess Leia – but actually is not about her. So, his entire journey to be a Jedi, and all the craziness with the Empire and whatnot, could be said to be “difficult to imagine that it started with a girl,” but if, say, The Notebook started with that line then it would not fit. Good luck!
September 14, 2015 — 7:04 PM
Joy B Tobin says:
I think in some ways it can be dangerous to try to include a broad view of the whole story in the first opening lines. It distances me from the immediate experience of the characters and is less likely to draw me in. I would avoid talking about “the story” unless you are writing a story about stories, where the story itself is a strong and powerful theme independent from the characters experiences. I think the strong question to answer in your first line is – What is it about this girl that makes her feel like she’s the beginning and end of the story? She’s obviously the most important thing… but why?
September 14, 2015 — 4:13 PM
Jess says:
Thanks for the comments everyone, I think the biggest worry I had was that the 2nd & 3rd lines were a bit confusing. The “girl” to which the first line refers it an integral part of the story in it’s entirety. She is kind of the thread that weaves the whole thing together. But maybe it is a question of not opening by introducing her. But unveiling the character in the first chapter that’s referring to her.
(all a little more clearly that I did in the second sentences)
September 16, 2015 — 3:02 AM
Tim Kimber says:
I must say, having recently read Brave New World, I think we might put a little too much stock in those first few words. Huxley opens with:
“A squat grey building of only thirty-four storeys.”
Not exactly inspiring, is it? (But I suppose that’s sort of the point.)
September 14, 2015 — 7:51 AM
Katherine Hetzel says:
Very difficult to take just the one sentence, I think – especially out of context. And it’s very tempting to concentrate on that sentence to the detriment of the next few… (personal experience speaking here)
September 14, 2015 — 8:17 AM
karen vaughan says:
If it had happened only once, I could have written it off as an accident, a curiosity, a whim, and if pressed, even a moment of desperation.
September 14, 2015 — 7:51 AM
Laurel Avery says:
Excellent. It makes me want to know what it was that happened.
September 14, 2015 — 11:16 AM
larryhogue says:
“The first time I met the highwayman, his hand was on my breast and his tongue was in my mouth.”
September 14, 2015 — 7:54 AM
Lili Nemo says:
How could this NOT catch one’s attention? The next sentences would determine how much further
I would continue.
September 14, 2015 — 8:03 AM
peggy says:
Now that’s a shocker! Yes, I’d keep reading.
September 14, 2015 — 8:10 AM
larryhogue says:
Thanks for the feedback, Lil Nemo and Peggy! I do worry that it over-promises on the amount of sex readers will find in the novel. It may be one of those darlings I’ll have to cut.
September 14, 2015 — 9:13 AM
peggy says:
If it helps, I’m not expecting sex; I’m expecting sexuality, or more specifically, self-awareness. There is a crime/mystery element also, just by your choice of “highwayman.” I am also not sure if the protagonist is female or male–so another intriguing element. Now, if this ended up being another planet, where the way to scan individuals was by a ‘highwayman’ sticking his tongue in a mouth, rather than an x-ray scan, I still wouldn’t be disappointed. That is why this opening works–it could go in many different directions, and it sets me up for all of them.
September 15, 2015 — 12:59 AM
zklimczak says:
FIrst line: “David Cobbs had a vicious migraine that started behind his eyes and spread around his head.”
The rest of the paragraph: “He couldn’t take much more of Fifi’s barking. She yapped at every thing they passed on the drive home, and no matter how fast or slow David went it made no difference. He gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles and rubbed his temples something fierce.”
The first chapter is on my blog – feel free to leave criticisms (constructive, preferably) on there as well.
September 14, 2015 — 7:54 AM
Katherine Hetzel says:
Difficult to drive with a migraine…I know! Good opening sentence, but wonder if it would work with the following para slightly better if you went deeper into David’s POV – something like; Bloody Fifi. Hadn’t stopped barking all the way home – he couldn’t take much more. David gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles when what he really wanted to do was rub his temples something fierce…
September 14, 2015 — 8:14 AM
zklimczak says:
Great suggestion Katherine. Thanks for the recommendation.
September 14, 2015 — 8:19 AM
Mozette says:
The first line is too short… so I’ve put in the first two lines.
‘Her name was Jennifer Benson. She was my vessel and I made sure she wasn’t damaged after I was finished with her.’
It’s an Angelic Romance… yep… I did my research and wrote it over 3 months… this has action, violence, demons, arch-angels and sex – and the ultimate pissing match between Heaven and Hell… and it’s over a vessel! 😀
September 14, 2015 — 7:59 AM
Katherine Hetzel says:
You could make this a killer of a first sentence by writing ‘Jennifer Benson was my vessel and I …’
September 14, 2015 — 8:18 AM
W.R.Gingell says:
Agree. Definitely.
September 14, 2015 — 8:49 AM
Mozette says:
I tried it that way… but I found shorter sentences punchier and my first readers liked them better.
September 15, 2015 — 8:17 AM
Katherine Hetzel says:
If that’s your natural writing voice, then stick with what you have…deffo!
September 15, 2015 — 1:59 PM
carolyncharron says:
The word “vessel” is intriguing but I kept getting sidetracked wondering why it was a woman that had to be used as one. I’m not getting a strong sense of the MC, other than he/she uses other people and therefore probably unlikable. I’d definitely read on, at least to the end of the first page to see if MC’s first impression improves.
September 14, 2015 — 8:42 AM
Mozette says:
Oh no… the MC is likable – extremely protective even – but that’s further on in the chapter and in the book too. Like I said, it’s an Angelic Romance… strangely enough I’m not religious and I had some very religious people (who read my book) tell me I had some of the scriptures spot on. 😀
September 15, 2015 — 9:13 PM
DG Jones says:
“Dhiraj knew the rain stopped this distance from the coast, but it still made him uneasy.”
September 14, 2015 — 7:59 AM
maskedplatypus says:
I think, along with a cover picture showing a desert setting, this might work. But I don’t know if it’s the strongest. Playing up the unfamiliarity and difference of where he is from where he came from in the first paragraph would definitely help.
September 14, 2015 — 8:12 PM
vanderso says:
Boy, that promises threats!
September 14, 2015 — 8:01 AM
Linda Sands says:
Someone once told me if you love what you do you’ll never work a day in your life.
September 14, 2015 — 8:02 AM
maskedplatypus says:
This is too cliche to draw in a reader, I think. It might be excusable if the next words are about the protagonist loving something REALLY bizarre and making it a career, but even with that I think there are stronger ideas to start with.
September 14, 2015 — 8:14 PM
Haider says:
“He woke suddenly and violently to the sound of persistent buzzing in his ear, like a mob of angry bees picketing on its lobe.”
This is from a story I wrote of a proud man’s struggle with the loss of identity.
September 14, 2015 — 8:04 AM
maskedplatypus says:
I WANT MORE BEES.
Seriously, though. This here is some great imagery and mystery. This is a strong opening line.
September 14, 2015 — 8:15 PM
vanderso says:
Mine’s really simple:
One day my father walked into the woods.
At my blog, I did a four-part analysis of first lines of some of my favorite books: My Cousin Rachel, by Daphne du Maurier, The Handmaid’s Tale, by Margaret Atwood, Paris Trout, by Pete Dexter (amazing first line!), and A Visit from the Goon Squad, by Jennifer Egan. I tried to figure out why they worked so well for me. Mine doesn’t match those examples, I fear.
September 14, 2015 — 8:04 AM
maskedplatypus says:
“One day my father walked into the woods” …and…. met the emissary of the monkey-slugs? People walk into the woods everyday. *I* walk into the woods nearly every day. It’s kind of dry. Walking into the forbidden forest. The abandoned woods, the unexplored woods. give us the reason why it’s worth talking about walking into the woods.
September 14, 2015 — 8:19 PM
maskedplatypus says:
Down the small slope final judgment had come for a ranching family. There was no more smoke, just charred structures and the bodies of a dozen people, nine humans and three goron. Plus the bodies of an entire herd of huge, fat brijon.
September 14, 2015 — 8:07 AM
maskedplatypus says:
(I promise to comment on other first lines/paragraphs in a bit. I have to dress and go write code right now thow)
September 14, 2015 — 8:08 AM
tomahawkrob says:
… and a dozen corpses…
September 14, 2015 — 10:38 AM
maskedplatypus says:
good idea. That helps a lot.
September 14, 2015 — 8:21 PM
Leigh Statham says:
Final judgement had come for a ranching family down a small slope. There was no more smoke, just charred structures and a dozen corpses; nine humans, three goron, and an entire heard of fat-melted brijon being eaten by zombie pigment on camels. It was party time!
Just kidding. I think this rocks. Just wiggle a couple of words around. Bam. Hooked.
September 14, 2015 — 8:28 PM
Katherine Hetzel says:
As the king’s ship slid past the familiar purple-grey cliffs, Katia was busy pretending to be a pirate.
September 14, 2015 — 8:08 AM
addy says:
I like this. i can already see the young child playing but i imagine people will behave a lot more seriously on the kings vessel.
September 14, 2015 — 8:25 AM
Gene Hilgreen says:
A Jihadist rebel group, al-Muntaqim growing larger by the day—had thrown down the gauntlet, and in Buck Davidssen’s humble opinion, was threatening the American way. With fire in his eyes, Buck stared at a taped recording on one of the five monitors hanging on the wall. As far as he was concerned, the savage Abu Bakr al-Kamal—dressed in a black gown sans the niqab—was pointing his machete, and issuing the Fatwa at him.
“I’m gonna put that machete through your fucken brain,” Buck said, pointing back at him. “BADDAY, pause and print that picture.”
September 14, 2015 — 8:08 AM
maskedplatypus says:
It definitely sets up a conflict, though nothing that screams out as different from a dozen different “anti terrorist” heroes already on TV. I would probably read a few sentences more to see why Buck thinks he needs to print a picture of someone who is apparently infamous already. But I don’t feel anything compelling about the conflict introduced here.
September 14, 2015 — 7:20 PM
tomahawkrob says:
Rayne collapsed against the metal door; adrenaline pulsing through her body.
September 14, 2015 — 8:13 AM
Comic Noobs says:
It definitely sets a scene, but it’s a bit confusing. One doesn’t normally associate adrenaline with collapsing.
September 14, 2015 — 9:02 AM
tomahawkrob says:
I initially went with ‘leant’ but felt it needed something with more bite. Maybe something in between?
September 14, 2015 — 9:16 AM
Fred G. Yost says:
Slammed, perhaps? I’m picturing the end of a headlong rush (or maybe just a pause) the kind where you don’t so much bother to stop as you let something stop you.
September 14, 2015 — 11:02 AM