The opening sentence to a story (be it a short story all the way up to a novel) matters. It’s the first bullet fired in a war — you don’t have to kill the enemy leader with it, but you also oughta make it count. It’s the line that hooks the reader. The line that sets everything up. It’s the first thing the reader sees upon stepping into the world you’ve created.
So, it’s worth getting it right.
Let’s workshop your opening line.
Take the opening line to something you’re writing / have written and, if comfortable, share it below in the comments. Then, others will have at it — offering what will ideally be constructive criticism (why they like it, where they think it needs improvement). If you post a line, you should also offer commentary on someone else’s opening line, because Quid pro quo, Clarice.
(Now, this is an imperfect criticism because the opening line of course never actually stands alone; it exists in context with the rest of the opening page. Just the same, this should make an interesting challenge, don’t you think?)
Go forth and workshop, young wordy padawans.
Neha says:
The gravel crunches as his boots struggle to put one step in front of the other. He is weary, his stores of energy are running thin. It has been too long since the last one. He is trying to remember why it has taken him so long to find another.
March 30, 2015 — 9:16 AM
Fragrant Liar says:
So, your first sentence. The gravel crunches as his boots struggle… His boots don’t struggle. HE struggles to move his boots, but his boots don’t do it on their own, and that’s what this sounds like. The rest of it is confusing because it’s too vague. “stores of energy are running him.” Don’t know what that means. Same with the next two sentences. But that’s okay, it just needs more detail and maybe some rearranging.
Maybe, if I might suggest something like, “He struggled to put one foot in front of the other, sweat running down his face and the crunching sound of his boots on wet gravel reminding him just how far he was from [somewhere or something/his goal].”
Something like that tells us in one sentence that he’s exhausted and needs to get to something or somewhere important, which I think is what your four sentences are getting at. Keep at it; you’ll get it where you want it to be.
March 30, 2015 — 8:11 PM
nehamukund says:
Ok Great thank you. He is a serial killer who feels like his body gets rejuvinated when he kills. Thats what I meant by stores of energy are running thin, its explained in the next paagraph. But I get what you’re saying.. will rephrase.. Thanks again..
March 31, 2015 — 2:45 AM
rtcvers says:
“I can stuff lightning into a jug faster than a frog can smell his own fart.”
March 30, 2015 — 9:17 AM
Pat says:
Wow. That’s quite a boast. I’m interested.
March 30, 2015 — 10:17 AM
cameronwalker27 says:
This has me intrigued! I want to know why you’re stuffing lightning in a jug, where the story is set (the word jug and the bit about the frog make me think South/bayou), and what kind of person needs jugs full of lightening.
March 30, 2015 — 10:21 AM
ElctrcRngr says:
If you can stuff lightning in a jug, why NOT do it? Sounds Godlike
March 31, 2015 — 12:27 AM
mannixk says:
Do frogs fart? I had no idea. 🙂 This is a funny start that immediately gives an impression of your character.
March 30, 2015 — 10:23 AM
Fragrant Liar says:
Well, you had me at fart. It sounds like this is a humorous book, or at least one with a lot of humor in it; not sure of the genre, but I’m guessing perhaps fantasy?
March 30, 2015 — 2:05 PM
Mozette says:
I like this one… very Terry Pratchett.
March 30, 2015 — 8:45 PM
Mozette says:
Okay… This is from ‘Fry Nelson: Bounty Hunter’ Book 3 – Chapter One ‘Searching’
Sentence 1:
He settled the freighter into the port for refueling and checked over the shutdown procedures.
March 30, 2015 — 9:21 AM
befleet says:
Who is “he”? Can we get some hint? Clearly he’s a captain of some sort. There is interest here, refueling implies that he’s come back from doing something. I’m not sure the shutdown procedures are as exciting as they could be.
March 30, 2015 — 9:47 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
It’s the first line of a novel, we don’t need to know everything right from the start. That’s why most of the submissions here ramble on and on with myriad detail. I reckon we’ll find out about this character in the next few paragraphs, but we have time.
March 30, 2015 — 11:15 AM
Mozette says:
Aahh… I should have explained more. I must apologise for that.
He is Fry Nelson, a Bounty Hunter from Earth in around year 2050. He’s employed by ‘The Company’ (which I did try to find another name for but the further I got into writing the books, the better ‘The Company’ sounded as a spy company… well, in this chapter he’s looking for some computer components that belong to him and he has to stop off in a check-point near the Crab Nebular (sort of like check your passport thing) and make sure he’s going in the right direction.
Soon after this, things go terribly wrong.
March 30, 2015 — 8:43 PM
Michael E. Henderson says:
Good. It’s clear, concise, and the character is doing something that I suspect has to do with his ordinary world. I’m in.
March 30, 2015 — 11:11 AM
Mark Lewis says:
Let me tell you a little about myself.
March 30, 2015 — 9:21 AM
jrupp25 says:
I’m listening! 😉
March 30, 2015 — 9:26 AM
Jenny Chou says:
I’d start with some action. Since I don’t know this character yet I’m not sure I want to hear about him/her. Make me interested first, then let that character introduce herself.
March 30, 2015 — 9:29 AM
Clementine Danger says:
I agree with this. I read that line and I think “Why? Do I know you?”
I understand that the why will be answered later, but as an opening it doesn’t quite work. It makes me feel like there’s a exposition dump coming up.
March 30, 2015 — 9:32 AM
Allison Maruska says:
I also agree. In all of our struggling to “show not tell”, having the character announce she’s about to tell isn’t the best way to start. 😉
March 30, 2015 — 10:14 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
You could probably take this out and start with the character telling us about himself. Try it and see what you think.
March 30, 2015 — 11:17 AM
Tsara Shelton says:
Maybe even “You don’t want me to tell you a little about myself.” Or “I’m afraid to tell you a little about myself.” Or something… so we are a little more intrigued about this mysterious and relatable “myself”. Does that make sense?
March 30, 2015 — 11:46 AM
mike Crump says:
Good call.
March 30, 2015 — 11:49 AM
Evan says:
The open stuck door aback alarms me afore the wailing bells.
March 30, 2015 — 9:22 AM
Matt Black says:
I’ll be honest, I don’t understand this at all. Try to clarify what you are saying.
March 30, 2015 — 6:13 PM
L.B. Zumpshon says:
Anna’s head was pounding so viciously, it took her a few moments to realise there was pounding on the door too.
March 30, 2015 — 9:22 AM
Jenny Chou says:
I’d replace “was pounding” with “pounded” and rephrase “it took her” into something that uses an action verb. I’d like to know who’s at the door though!
March 30, 2015 — 9:33 AM
befleet says:
Agreed, take out the passive voice. I like the overall construction, comparing two kinds of pounding.
March 30, 2015 — 9:45 AM
L.B. Zumpshon says:
Thank you, that does sound better 🙂 It’s even more interesting finding out why her head is pounding 😉
March 30, 2015 — 2:22 PM
Jenny Chou says:
I’d start with some action. Since I don’t know this character yet I’m not sure I want to hear about him/her. Make me interested first, then let that character introduce herself.
March 30, 2015 — 9:25 AM
Jenny Chou says:
Ignore this comment. In the wrong place.
March 30, 2015 — 9:27 AM
Anna says:
Wow, workshop! Fun!
My story is called “The Clockmaker”
Opening line: “The clockmaker and his wife pass away overnight.”
March 30, 2015 — 9:31 AM
mannixk says:
I would replace “pass away” with die or died, just because I think it’s a stronger term. But I realize there might be a deliberate reason for the choice of “pass away”.
March 30, 2015 — 10:26 AM
Gary Neil Gupton says:
Probably not the idea you intended, but how about, “The clockmaker and his wife pass (the time) away”. I do like the succinctness of your line -it ticks 🙂
March 30, 2015 — 10:37 AM
J Michael Melican says:
I really like this, except for the tense.
March 30, 2015 — 11:10 AM
Nya Rawlyns says:
It was hard not to feel out of place, hard not to take short, sharp, shallow breaths because you knew you reeked, truly godawful in ways that had nothing to do with the hogs or the chickens or the mountains of manure you tended and turned and composted.
March 30, 2015 — 9:32 AM
Gary Neil Gupton says:
Your imagery makes impressions on my senses. Maybe replace “It was hard” with a definitive “I felt out of place, conscious of taking short…” I don’t know. From the point beginning “short, sharp, shallow breaths” I love it! (Interested in discovering the “godawful” ways in which the character reeked 🙂
March 30, 2015 — 10:33 AM
Jana Denardo says:
I really liked the images in this.
March 30, 2015 — 11:09 AM
nmdela says:
Carol held her hand up to her chin and looked at Norah sternly. Her arms were crossed against her chest, her legs equally clamped as her little round body became sharp with disdain.
“Yeah, you’re going to have to tell me less.”
March 30, 2015 — 9:35 AM
Wendy Kuehr-McLaren (@WKMcLaren) says:
Great use of body language. I especially like the juxtaposition of her round little body and sharp disdain. However, it takes so long to get through that, you lose the impact of surprise when she wants to hear less instead of the presumed ‘more’.
March 30, 2015 — 10:12 AM
Katherine Hetzel says:
Amos Burch never saw who or what hit him, but they sure hit hard.
March 30, 2015 — 9:38 AM
Clementine Danger says:
Please tell me this is a noire story. Because it immediately conjured images of gruf PIs in defensible fedoras and dames with gams.
Nothing constructive to add, just wanted to say it made me chuckle. A lot. I think it’s very cleverly dry.
March 30, 2015 — 9:46 AM
J Michael Melican says:
Yeah, I like this.
March 30, 2015 — 11:12 AM
jen says:
like this!
March 30, 2015 — 11:56 AM
Nya Rawlyns says:
Ditto to the likes. Short, sharp, attention-getting.
March 30, 2015 — 12:03 PM
Allison Maruska says:
Javier pulled his hand away from his forehead and confirmed his suspicion: he was bleeding.
March 30, 2015 — 9:40 AM
befleet says:
I like this, it subverts expectations. My only critique is that it is a little slow to get to that punch in the end. If you can find a way to tighten it, that would make it more powerful. Even something as simple as eliminating “away” — “Javier pulled his hand from his forehead” makes it a little smoother, a little faster.
March 30, 2015 — 9:43 AM
befleet says:
I am the kind of girl to sneak out wearing a second set of clothes.
March 30, 2015 — 9:41 AM
Matt Black says:
I love this. It gives a ton of information and sets the scene/mood all in one short sentence.
March 30, 2015 — 10:08 AM
ElctrcRngr says:
I second that, Matt. This sentence just works, in so many ways
March 30, 2015 — 4:02 PM
jen says:
this is brilliant, love it!
March 30, 2015 — 10:14 AM
mannixk says:
This is great!
March 30, 2015 — 10:27 AM
Mary says:
I love this!! Though, and this is just me, but I feel like the sentence should be longer. It feels like something is missing.
March 30, 2015 — 11:19 AM
Allison says:
The rusty bike lay on its side, forgotten and abandoned once it had ceased to do its job and support its rider.
March 30, 2015 — 9:45 AM
Wendy Kuehr-McLaren (@WKMcLaren) says:
The image of the rusted bike is pretty powerful on its own. I’d end after “abandoned” or tie it to whatever the bike symbolizes.
March 30, 2015 — 9:52 AM
Allison Maruska says:
I agree; end it after “abandoned”. The rest is implied.
March 30, 2015 — 10:10 AM
mike Crump says:
“Itzel!” her roommate stuck a head out of the dorm room and boomed her name down the hall. “Jesus! I’m right here.”
March 30, 2015 — 9:48 AM
StarNinja says:
Very nice intro line. I’m guessing this is a buddy cop type story about Jesus rooming up with Mayan Rainbow Goddess Itzel. “He’s the Son of God. She’s the goddess of rainbows. Together they fight crime!”
March 30, 2015 — 11:00 AM
mike Crump says:
Yeah, something like that. But probably not as good. She’s a Mayan goddess alright, rowing for Phillips Andover and about to find out what “Mayan’ really means. Thanks for commenting.
March 30, 2015 — 11:22 AM
Susan K. Swords says:
Opening line to YA fantasy/sci fi. College student suddenly finds herself transported to alternate universes at random times, without any warning. She’s at school when we meet her.
“Once again, the soda machine got the best of her.”
March 30, 2015 — 9:48 AM
Matt Black says:
I like the opening line, and that sounds like my kind of story 🙂
March 30, 2015 — 10:04 AM
Peter B. says:
I like it! My only suggestion would be replacing “her” with your character’s name, since this is the opening line.
March 30, 2015 — 10:08 AM
Sarah says:
I love this, and agree that the only change I’d request is the use of the name rather than just “her.”
March 30, 2015 — 10:25 AM
Susan K. Swords says:
Thank you, Peter and Sarah. That’s a really good suggestion. Brings us front and center with the character when we name her.
March 30, 2015 — 11:11 AM
Jana Denardo says:
That sounds like my typical day. It sets the mood well.
March 30, 2015 — 11:10 AM
J.L. Madore says:
“This asshole’s head is mine . . . and I’ll enjoy cutting it off.” Zander swerved the truck down a shadowed side street, the squeal of rubber on road echoing down the sleeping city street.
March 30, 2015 — 9:52 AM
ElctrcRngr says:
This is good. It has action with tension, and establishes time of day. I assume Zander is the protag, but this works just as well for an opening if he is the antagonist, chasing the protagonist. Nicely done.
March 31, 2015 — 12:34 AM
Tsara Shelton says:
Rand was getting tired of hearing his own justifications for this adventure he’d angrily insisted on.
March 30, 2015 — 9:53 AM
cook with liquor lady says:
Love it. I would eliminate getting tired… To just tired. I want to read more.
March 30, 2015 — 10:51 AM
Tsara Shelton says:
Great feedback! Thanks!!
March 30, 2015 — 11:49 AM
Fragrant Liar says:
I’d tighten this up and add more detail to let us see this better. Example: “Rand was tired of his own justifications for an adventure no one else wanted, and now even he thought it was a mistake.” Or something like that. Just a bit more than you already have.
March 30, 2015 — 9:44 PM
Tsara Shelton says:
Thanks for the feedback! Poor Rand and his justifications, on display and vulnerable. tee hee!
March 31, 2015 — 12:48 PM
Wendy Kuehr-McLaren (@WKMcLaren) says:
Jules Brand watched the woman move across the room in the same way a cat watches a leaf skitter across a patio, oblivious to all but the prey.
March 30, 2015 — 9:53 AM
cameronwalker27 says:
I like this a lot, but the imagery with the leaf is difficult for me to parallel with the woman’s movements. Could you replace the skittering leaf with something like a preening bird, a fly on a window screen, or a scurrying mouse (depending on the woman’s description)?
March 30, 2015 — 10:31 AM
deb says:
Yeah, the leaf needs to be a living thing. Cats are too quick to register prey/not prey and, although they’d keep watching, they would never be oblivious. This may seem like nit-picking, but since roughly half of your readers are cat owners, it’s they who would sense this discrepancy.
March 30, 2015 — 10:47 AM
archaism says:
“I’ve always been good with spiders.”
March 30, 2015 — 9:55 AM
Peter B. says:
Love it.
March 30, 2015 — 10:08 AM
jen says:
very cool (especially as i hate spiders!)
March 30, 2015 — 10:15 AM
Gary Neil Gupton says:
Succinct and potentially deadly. Like it.
March 30, 2015 — 10:20 AM
Anna says:
Depending on the book´s cover and titel, this can go anywhere: towards comedy or something really scary… Great line!
March 30, 2015 — 10:21 AM
Sarah says:
I really like this as an opening line. Very damn few of us are “good with spiders.”
March 30, 2015 — 10:23 AM
Wendy Kuehr-McLaren (@WKMcLaren) says:
Good line, but the moment I read it, I’d throw the book and run! Nope. All the nopes in Nopeville.
March 30, 2015 — 10:35 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
Claudius Germanicus gestured toward three floating screens upon which glowed an outline of the history of philosophy for the past five-thousand years.
March 30, 2015 — 9:58 AM
john freeter says:
It’s definitely interesting, but I sense a lecture approaching, which makes me uneasy.
March 30, 2015 — 10:22 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
Ha. You’re right, but It’s short, and on the subject that everything is a lie, and that a lie that is itself a lie, becomes the truth. And he uses the Socratic method.
March 30, 2015 — 11:27 AM
cmscholz222 says:
Love this. I would definitely continue reading and wish that I could.
March 30, 2015 — 12:34 PM
Matt Black says:
“Damnit,” Amit said as he shook his head, trying to stop the slow headache he felt coming on, “something weird is happening again.”
March 30, 2015 — 10:03 AM
john freeter says:
It makes me want to read more. Nice!
March 30, 2015 — 10:24 AM
Writer says:
I might take out the “as” and start a new sentence. “Dammit.” Amit shook his head…
March 30, 2015 — 10:36 AM
mannixk says:
I like it!
March 30, 2015 — 10:38 AM
ElctrcRngr says:
Just “Damn” might help the rhythm, rather than “Damnit”
March 30, 2015 — 4:01 PM
Frank says:
Alexa Sloane earned her stripes as a patrol cop and homicide detective in the open-air insane asylum of New Orleans.
March 30, 2015 — 10:03 AM
Matt Black says:
I love the analogy. That’s a great way to set the mood.
The only suggestion I have would be to take out “…patrol cop and…” because patrol cop is pretty much the starting point, and therefore that part is implied if she earns her stripes as a homicide detective.
March 30, 2015 — 6:12 PM
deb says:
Jack was sixteen the first time he was busted for – of all the crimes that he could have gotten life over – something as dumb as fare beating.
March 30, 2015 — 10:05 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
Try ending the first sentence after “busted,” and then telling what heinous crime he committed.
March 30, 2015 — 11:29 AM
deb says:
thanks MEH. I know it’s awkward as hell, but it’s too early in the story to tip off the readers that he’s an assassin. I’ll have to pound this one on an anvil.
March 30, 2015 — 1:18 PM
cameronwalker27 says:
From my WIP, Bellum:
“In the midday dusk of a mountain tavern, Jesse Kemper was caught cheating at cards.”
March 30, 2015 — 10:11 AM
john freeter says:
I like this, establishes setting right away and promises lots of action.
March 30, 2015 — 10:20 AM
J Michael Melican says:
This is good, but the tavern trope does raise a little flag.
March 30, 2015 — 10:30 AM
cameronwalker27 says:
You bring up a good point! This story is set during the Civil War and the character is a mediocre illusionist who needs to be caught cheating. At least no one’s drinking mead 🙂
March 30, 2015 — 10:44 AM
J Michael Melican says:
Hence “Bellum”. That sets me at ease, though the trope of card cheat in Westerns now arises. Not that trope recognition is inherently a bad thing.
March 30, 2015 — 10:50 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
Good
March 30, 2015 — 11:30 AM
cmscholz222 says:
I like this and would read further but can it be dusk at midday?
March 30, 2015 — 12:39 PM
deb says:
Is the mountain setting important? All I could think of was “Who wants to climb to go drinking?” I always think of taverns and bars as low places, like a four-corners roadhouse.
March 30, 2015 — 1:22 PM
cameronwalker27 says:
Thanks deb! The tavern is tucked away in a small town halfway up a mountain. This character would actually go downhill to get a drink. I don’t know if there’s a better word for the establishment? It’s Appalachia 1862.
March 30, 2015 — 4:28 PM
Renato Jacobini says:
He didn’t know how long he’d been walking. His feet were numb and with every step he kept swearing to himself he would not take another. Still, the forest’s quiet was disturbed by the crushing (or crumbling?) of leafs underfoot.
March 30, 2015 — 10:13 AM
Peter B. says:
“Ceana squatted on her haunches in the dew-flecked grass, gazing out across the Sea of Ànrach.”
March 30, 2015 — 10:13 AM
SusanBeth says:
I would have spotted anyone on foot.
March 30, 2015 — 10:16 AM
john freeter says:
“This bastard won’t stop bleeding! You’ve got to help me, Jaci.”
March 30, 2015 — 10:19 AM
J Michael Melican says:
I like this. Maybe take the first part out of dialogue?
The bastard wouldn’t stop bleeding.
“You’ve got to help me, Jaci.”
March 30, 2015 — 10:28 AM
john freeter says:
Thanks for the suggestion.
March 30, 2015 — 7:39 PM
Madam_W says:
Agree with Michael here. Good job!
March 30, 2015 — 10:38 AM
Carla says:
I agree as well. I can’t stand stories that start with dialogue. I know we’re supposed to plunge in as late as possible, but I like to be in the character’s head before I hear them speak.
March 30, 2015 — 11:08 AM
Alan says:
“Hey!” the Sheriff shouted. “Hey, you! Stop!” Bud wasn’t going to stop. His feet were moving too fast in the opposite direction.
March 30, 2015 — 10:20 AM
J Michael Melican says:
I’d lose the Sheriff reference, or at least shift it back.
“Hey, you! Stop!” But Bud wasn’t going to stop. His feet were moving too fast in the opposite direction. (“Hey!” the Sheriff shouted again.)
March 30, 2015 — 10:26 AM
mannixk says:
This is the start of a short story. Not sure about the f-word.
“Helena’s plummet to the earth began as a big fuck you to her husband.”
March 30, 2015 — 10:20 AM
Madam_W says:
OMG I love this so much it hurts.
March 30, 2015 — 10:27 AM
Peter B. says:
You need to keep the “fuck you” in there. It just wouldn’t have the same impact without.
March 30, 2015 — 10:31 AM
cameronwalker27 says:
I really like this and definitely want to know more!
March 30, 2015 — 10:32 AM
J Michael Melican says:
You need to keep the fuck in.
I think it should be in inverted commas though.
…began as a big ‘fuck you’ to her husband.
I know it’s not dialogue, but you need to indicate that it’s an expression. On first reading ‘big’ could be a modifier of ‘fuck’ and then ‘you’ knocks that off balance.
If not inverted commas, then hyphenate.
…began as a big fuck-you to her husband.
March 30, 2015 — 10:54 AM
mannixk says:
Yes, totally. Thank you.
March 30, 2015 — 11:35 AM
Jana Denardo says:
That is excellent and I think the fuck you needs to be there.
March 30, 2015 — 11:06 AM
Frankie Ash says:
Oooh, interesting. I love plummets:) But, is she falling to Earth, as in an angel, or someone booted from an alien space craft, etc., or is she falling to earth from the treetops, base-jumping from Mount Everest, etc.? Either way, it’s a hook of an opener:)
March 30, 2015 — 11:09 AM
mannixk says:
Skydiving. But I like the angel falling idea! A married angel who has a beef with her hubby. 🙂
March 30, 2015 — 11:37 AM
Matt Black says:
That’s what I thought it was as well.
March 30, 2015 — 5:45 PM
Susan K. Swords says:
This is awesome! Definitely keep the “fuck you” in there. It wouldn’t be the same without it.
March 30, 2015 — 11:09 AM
mannixk says:
Thanks peeps.
March 30, 2015 — 11:38 AM
Pat says:
“Okay, folks. We’ll be on the ground and at the gate within ten minutes.” The captain continued with the usual patter. Ellen relaxed her grip on the arm rests.
March 30, 2015 — 10:21 AM
Madam_W says:
Nice. Being terribly scared of flying I can definitely relate.
March 30, 2015 — 10:27 AM
J Michael Melican says:
“Obiander came, eventually, inevitably, to the space under the Siward Bridge where the lowliest creatures gathered to eke out their remaining days.”
March 30, 2015 — 10:23 AM
Madam_W says:
I liked this. Nothing to add. Pretty good.
March 30, 2015 — 10:51 AM
J Michael Melican says:
Thank you, ‘liked’ is good. Liked enough to read on?
March 30, 2015 — 10:55 AM
ElctrcRngr says:
Definitely, I’d keep reading. I might drop the ‘eventually’, as I think ‘inevitably’ does it all for this line. My style tends to be a little spare, though.
March 31, 2015 — 12:51 AM
J Michael Melican says:
Thanks. I appreciate the feedback!
March 31, 2015 — 6:15 AM
Wendy Kuehr-McLaren (@WKMcLaren) says:
On the other hand, I like the “eventually, inevitably” combo, but i’d add a third. eventually, inevitably, inexorably….
March 31, 2015 — 8:07 PM
Madam_W says:
oh, oh I have another one!
“Lynn sat atop a hill, watching the dance of grey and white that formed the sea and the sky. The cold wind of the Northern Sea blasted against her face and random flurries of snow fell onto her bare arms.”
March 30, 2015 — 10:26 AM
Carla says:
I would say ” a cold wind blew off the northern sea”, as the sea itself doesn’t produce wind. Otherwise, love the imagery!
March 30, 2015 — 11:05 AM
Madam_W says:
oh yay, I thought people had ignored this one. Thanks a bunch! : )
March 30, 2015 — 11:10 AM
Jana Denardo says:
The taste of salt and copper filled Kiril’s mouth, bright and tangy on his tongue.
March 30, 2015 — 10:33 AM
mannixk says:
I like this — especially the “bright and tangy on his tongue.” What if you switched the order to “the taste of copper and salt”? As soon as I read “salt and…” my mind finishes with pepper, and then copper is such a similar word that it took me out of the sentence for a minute. I realize this sounds very nit-picky. 🙂
March 30, 2015 — 10:43 AM
Jana Denardo says:
hmm, you have a point there with the salt and pepper. That’s an easy fix. thanks.
March 30, 2015 — 11:11 AM
mike Crump says:
Good catch! (As I had the same reaction).
March 30, 2015 — 11:29 AM
Jana Denardo says:
Good to know. Thanks.
March 30, 2015 — 9:54 PM
MK says:
The train door opened and I gulped crisp air in the pale light of the moon.
March 30, 2015 — 10:36 AM
J Michael Melican says:
Another, from a short story:
Day and night, the biotracts had worked, their peristalsis bringing in bolus after bolus of crucial supplies, until the guerrillas found some way to infect them.
March 30, 2015 — 10:36 AM
Wendy Kuehr-McLaren (@WKMcLaren) says:
I know with a short story, every word needs to pack a punch. But you’ve got 3 big ones in that first sentence that are not immediately apparent. I’d be more interested in what crucial supplies were in the bolus if I knew what peristalis were and who the biotracts are. Or vice versa.
March 31, 2015 — 8:13 PM
J Michael Melican says:
Hey, I didn’t see this comment earlier. Thanks for the suggestion. I was a little concerned about where I was pitching the vocab expectations on the reader.
April 13, 2015 — 6:43 AM
Alan says:
She looked to the top of the small knoll where he was standing, the mysterious boy she’d been following every night for a week.
March 30, 2015 — 10:36 AM
StarNinja says:
Ooooo! What do we have here? A stalker? A reverse Edward following a reverse Bella? My mind tingles with the possibilities! It’s a longshot, but my money’s on this being a sassy librarian who’s trying to get an overdue book back from a skater boy delinquent with a heart of gold.
March 30, 2015 — 10:55 AM
Alan says:
It’s a curious little girl following an even curiouser little boy with a strange, yet wonderful, secret.
March 30, 2015 — 11:03 AM
StarNinja says:
By jove! I love it!
March 30, 2015 — 11:07 AM
J Michael Melican says:
They rode out with the intent to kill Old Man Madigan, and the means to make it so. So they thought.
March 30, 2015 — 10:39 AM
StarNinja says:
Oh snap! That got me hooked. A few possibilities here. One, Old Man Madigan is actually a creature of the deepest darkest oceans, modeled after the Old Man of the Sea. Another is that Old Man Madigan is an ex-Navy Delta Ranger Special Forces type who just wants to be left in peace until some jackass from his past goes and hires a couple of punks in a pickup to “get him back in the game.” Oh man, what happens? I want to know!
March 30, 2015 — 11:05 AM
J Michael Melican says:
PM me through Twitter, if you’re on Twitter. @jmichaelmelican
March 30, 2015 — 11:14 AM
StarNinja says:
I’m not on Twitter… Phooey.
March 30, 2015 — 11:19 AM
J Michael Melican says:
jmichaelmelican.com
March 30, 2015 — 10:36 PM
Renato Jacobini says:
Don’t repeat “so”. Try rephrasing it:
They rode with the intent and means to kill old man mandigan; or so they thought.
Then follow up with some actiony description of events that followed.
March 30, 2015 — 11:09 AM
Butch McGovern says:
Strange, strange dreams when you fall asleep in a church basement.
March 30, 2015 — 10:40 AM
befleet says:
Oh, I like this. Immediate voice, surprise, intrigue.
March 30, 2015 — 10:44 AM
mannixk says:
Oooo…I want to know more.
March 30, 2015 — 10:45 AM
Carla says:
I like this idea, but I dislike the wording. Maybe it’s the repetition of strange, or the fact that I don’t know who is having strange dreams. Is it a cult? One person? A pastor? I’m bored.
March 30, 2015 — 11:01 AM
Catkins says:
This is very good, ignore the person who thinks it’s boring. It’s excellent
March 30, 2015 — 11:53 AM
jen says:
like this, especially the way it’s worded 🙂
March 30, 2015 — 11:58 AM
Butch McGovern says:
I’m off to a good start, then. Thank you
April 5, 2015 — 4:45 AM
Carla says:
Wow, sorry for being honest.
March 30, 2015 — 6:25 PM
Butch McGovern says:
No worries, can’t please everyone.
April 5, 2015 — 4:44 AM
StarNinja says:
Here’s a little something from a (short story? novel? novella? Radio-play?) thing I’m working on.
“Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap,” said Simon. It wasn’t his real name.
March 30, 2015 — 10:42 AM
paulmckennawriter says:
This is cool and provokes interest. I kinda wanna read more but on a minor note do you need all 3 ‘Holy crap’?
March 30, 2015 — 10:53 AM
StarNinja says:
I don’t but Simon certainly does as he was in a state of blind panic when he said it. I would have gone with just the one, but I was trying to invoke a kind of rushed franticness. Thanks for the feedback!
March 30, 2015 — 2:05 PM
mannixk says:
This grabs me right away. I am a sucker for stories that start with dialogue, and of course one yearns to know his real name…Nigel? Melvin? Nebuchadnezzar?
March 30, 2015 — 11:04 AM
StarNinja says:
Theodore Grenville Woodard III of course 😉 Thanks for the feedback.
March 30, 2015 — 11:10 AM
Madam_W says:
Dazed and confused.
March 30, 2015 — 11:05 AM
Peter B. says:
From a short story I just started submitting:
“The rash on Yahi’s arm was starting to flake.”
March 30, 2015 — 10:46 AM
MG says:
why was starting instead of started to?
March 30, 2015 — 10:49 AM
Peter B. says:
I chose present continuous because it conveys a sense of ongoing action. I played around with “had started” instead of “was starting,” and I still might switch it. But “started” on its own feels too abrupt for my taste.
March 30, 2015 — 10:53 AM
paulmckennawriter says:
Reijin was being thrown around in a storm of terrified people
March 30, 2015 — 10:50 AM
Justine says:
This is just my opinion but this doesn’t really work. Even reading it four times–I’m still confused.
March 30, 2015 — 10:50 AM
Kiara says:
Allison helped me realize you can’t live without feeling.
The first memory I can say I truly remember is when I was seven years old, we had moved to Florida, and my name was now Allison Summens. I don’t remember my names before then, but I do know none of them were my real name.
March 30, 2015 — 10:51 AM
Justine says:
**Ignore–didn’t attach to comment I wanted.
March 30, 2015 — 10:51 AM
Sheri Fredricks says:
This is so much fun! Love reading everyone’s comments. Here’s the opening to my paranormal romance:
Screams of the terrified echoed in the corridors of Rhycious’s mind.
March 30, 2015 — 10:52 AM
MG says:
An off duty deputy, reeking of bourbon and casually dressed in shorts and a wife beater, staggered into the county building.
March 30, 2015 — 10:53 AM
J Michael Melican says:
I like the set-up. Should it be ‘wife-beater’ with hyphen? Is that slang commonly known enough, or is is regional/dialectical?
(not rhetorical questions, I genuinely don’t know. wife-beater is known but uncommon in Australia)
March 30, 2015 — 10:57 AM
MG says:
good points. maybe a hyphen. I’m in the US and I believe it’s a common enough term. Reads better than sleeveless T-shirt
March 30, 2015 — 11:01 AM
J Michael Melican says:
singlet?
March 30, 2015 — 11:16 AM
MG says:
unitard?
March 30, 2015 — 11:43 AM
Matt Black says:
Does Tank-Top work international?
March 30, 2015 — 5:28 PM
jen says:
I think keep ‘wife-beater’, it sets the scene more clearly? Yep it doesn’t translate well internationally but you can’t always let that dictate authentic slang (although I know what it means and I’m from the UK. Too much American TV, obviously..).
Maybe rephrase the ‘casually dressed in’ bit to make the sentence a bit sharper? Something like ‘sweating through his shorts and wife-beater’ to make him even more creepy?
March 30, 2015 — 12:15 PM
MG says:
‘sweating through his …’
Thanks. Last night I was considering to add more description of the elements. The story begins in the middle of a brutally hot, humid summer.
March 30, 2015 — 1:27 PM
Michael E. Henderson says:
I like it in general, but I’m wondering about the POV. Who’s observing this? Is it omniscient? Is the deputy is the main character, then I would just give his name. If he’s not, try putting in context of the POV of the main character, or whoever’s seeing it.
Outside of that, I like the image of an off-duty cop in a wife beater, smelling of booze, staggering into the county building. I hope he’s got his gun or a ball bat.
March 30, 2015 — 11:38 AM
MG says:
Thank you. POV question is a good one. Not Omni, at least not my intent. More of a wide shot which narrows until the next paragraph when the sheriff calls the meeting to order. Three beta readers and you’re the first to refer to this as Omni. The drunken deputy is dead within the next 30 pages, the sheriff does mention him by name during the meeting, but your POV question now haunts me. Thanks
March 30, 2015 — 11:51 AM
Carla says:
I didn’t mean to find the necklace in my mother’s room, but the moment I pick it up, I’m glad I did.
March 30, 2015 — 10:58 AM
Frankie Ash says:
I smell burnt rubber from tires that failed to gain traction before we skid through the curb and into a mess of pine trees.
March 30, 2015 — 10:59 AM
Madam_W says:
Nice!
March 30, 2015 — 11:06 AM