Hey, word-nerds.
Here’s what I want you to do, if you’re comfortable with it. Some of you are presently in the midst of writing or editing stories — in particular, a great heaping helping of you ARTFUL MOTHERFUCKERS are probably knee-deep in the word slurry of NaNoWriMo now — and so I think it’s time to share a little teeny tiny sliver of the work.
Just a taste.
An amuse-bouche.
*smacks lips*
Take a sentence from the work and post it in the comments below.
I’d say to choose a favorite sentence, but I don’t want to hem you in too much — also possible you’d choose a sentence you feel that you just can’t get quite right (and if you are seeking help with said sentence, feel free to ask for exactly that).
So, go, deposit a sentence below.
If, again, you’re comfortable.
*stares*
*smacks lips some more*
*drools*
Holly says:
“When you hate everything about your life, sometimes it helps to keep a list.”
First line of a YA novel. The thoughts of a 15 year old girl walking home from school
November 10, 2014 — 7:13 AM
Gina X. Grant says:
Great line, Holly!
November 10, 2014 — 7:15 AM
tedra says:
Perfect. It just screams interesting, like a forever moving novel. (if that makes sense?)
November 10, 2014 — 7:35 AM
john freeter says:
Nice, I like that it says a lot about her character
November 10, 2014 — 9:16 AM
Alison DeLuca (@AlisonDeLuca) says:
I love a short sentence that unpacks with loads of info and interest. Fantastic!
November 10, 2014 — 1:56 PM
jacki214 says:
awesome!
November 11, 2014 — 4:16 PM
Darren says:
“It was a monkey’s job with a banana
wage to suit, but he needed the money, any money.”
*shrug*
November 10, 2014 — 7:15 AM
nmhaupt says:
“Jesus”, she thought, as two dozen man-boys, maybe more, living for bullshit, eating burnt toast from the buffet of life and loving it, piled out of the cafeteria and into the rec room under video surveillance and the ubiquitous gaze of the staff, laboring in their all white traditional getup, showing paranoid people they’re being constantly watched.
November 10, 2014 — 7:16 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
Baby, a 57-word sentence (unless “man-boys” is two words, then it’s 58).
November 10, 2014 — 8:37 AM
joshuamneff says:
Five eons ago, the Witch gave birth to a dragon, a great beast with mirrored skin, a head like a Cubist painting, a tail of entwined strings infinitely long.
November 10, 2014 — 7:18 AM
tedra says:
You had me at dragon
November 10, 2014 — 7:38 AM
spinnersinclair says:
That sounds like a pretty cool dragon.
November 10, 2014 — 8:33 AM
Ed says:
After your advice on how to (or rather how not to) start a story, i decided the below was a suitable opening line.
“Everything has a beginning whether you recognize it or not.”
Why not just go straight at it so everyone knows starts are difficult.
November 10, 2014 — 7:20 AM
Tatum Flynn says:
Like it!
November 10, 2014 — 9:25 AM
Blaine D. Arden says:
“Men like Meer… they face death in Tuli. Everyone who is not capable of begetting children is considered useless and therefore not worthy of life.”
Spoken by Meer’s mother in my NaNoWriMo YA fantasy. The one sentence that clued me in to who Meer was.
November 10, 2014 — 7:20 AM
Lisa Oliver says:
Forcing those, decidedly hot, memories from his mind, Shane looked at Dimitri and said, “So tell me where your head is at, right now, because I have to tell you after you taking off for two full days, simply saying sorry isn’t going to cut it.”
November 10, 2014 — 7:21 AM
Wendy Christopher says:
Ooooh, I like that one! I’m getting a lot of ideas about what’s going on from just this one sentence (some of them may be wrong, but that’s probably more to do with the way my cookie-brain crumbles) and the tension between the two is sharp and effective. Nice job!
November 10, 2014 — 7:36 AM
Ashlee Jade says:
I like this one.
November 10, 2014 — 8:24 AM
john freeter says:
em dashes might work better than commas around “decidedly hot”
November 10, 2014 — 9:20 AM
Lisa Oliver says:
Thank you John, that was the last sentence I wrote last night and I think you could be right 🙂
November 10, 2014 — 5:24 PM
Sergio Caballero says:
“Music is the sound of my silence.”
The key line delivered by the antagonist.
November 10, 2014 — 7:31 AM
Andrew F. Butters says:
His legs turn to jelly while his penis does just the opposite.
November 10, 2014 — 7:38 AM
Wendy Christopher says:
For his sake I hope he doesn’t fall awkwardly!
I laughed at this one – in a good way, obviously. Nicely done.
November 10, 2014 — 7:51 AM
Andrew F. Butters says:
Thanks! Now if only I can string together a few thousand more like it 🙂
November 10, 2014 — 12:58 PM
Mozette says:
‘Knowing his employer, Lucifer himself, he’d try his best to keep his butt out of Hell, from being kicked out of what was highly regarded as Paradise to many, and to keep the gates of Heaven, Earth and Hell as wide open as a prostitute’s legs during an orgy.’
This is a narrative from a character I’ve created called Drake. He is the very first Knight of Hell Lucifer created, who – when he isn’t destroying human lives – usually kicks ass downstairs in the cage, where Lucifer is kept from doing any real damage to human-kind. In my book, seeing Lucifer is walking the Earth, so is his first guard… being the biggest prick of all and doing as he pleases – seeing he hasn’t been topside in over 2000 years, he’s just stretching his legs.
This sentence is from Chapter 12.
November 10, 2014 — 7:40 AM
Ashlee Jade says:
“wide open as a prostitute’s legs during an orgy.” Hehe, nice. Very very nice.
November 10, 2014 — 8:26 AM
Mozette says:
This was written very late in the night and I was right into the mind of Drake when I wrote it… saved it and then opened up the chapter the next afternoon to re-read before continuing and just appreciated what the evil side of my mind had coughed up…
amazing what happens when your brain goes to bed, and your characters take over, eh?
November 10, 2014 — 6:38 PM
tedra says:
“Then we’ll stop him,” she says it so plainly, so easy as if she’s asking for doughnuts in the morning.
November 10, 2014 — 7:42 AM
sofia says:
I feel there should be a full stop or a ; in the middle. It doesn’t seem to flow easily otherwise.
November 10, 2014 — 8:08 AM
tedra says:
There are breaks. But I didn’t want to cheat but I see a lot of us has.
“Then we’ll stop him.” She says it so plainly. So easily as if I’m asking for doughnuts in the morning.
This is a defining moment for her best friends character. Its a horror/urban fantasy novel. Thanks for suggestion.
November 10, 2014 — 1:32 PM
lpishere says:
The man had immediately fallen asleep face down on a putrid orange and brown comforter which was covered with so many glossy cigarette burns that the orange flowers looked like they were infested with aphids.
November 10, 2014 — 7:45 AM
milkaholicclown says:
Hey, I think this is really interesting, but at the last bit I got confused. I’m familiar with both cigarette burns on blankets and aphids (tiny green bugs that attack roses and plums)… and I still haven’t figured out quite how one would look like the other.
November 10, 2014 — 6:39 PM
Mozette says:
What a very visual you’ve put across here! Love it!
November 10, 2014 — 7:13 PM
Bernice Mills (@jaggedrain) says:
Eventually someone’s pet cat came in to have a nap on the newsdesk and it became a little too surreal for me.
November 10, 2014 — 7:48 AM
Alice Matthews says:
Love this, imagining a completely unstructured chaos of a newsroom, papers and dust everywhere, I’m imagining a pyjama clad boss..
November 10, 2014 — 8:25 AM
Bernice Mills (@jaggedrain) says:
Oh dear, that’s so much better than what’s actually happening that I may need to do a rewrite 🙂
November 10, 2014 — 8:52 AM
Jennie says:
“I came fully armed to that doctor’s appointment.”
First sentence of half-memoir, half-historical narrative.
November 10, 2014 — 7:48 AM
spinnersinclair says:
That is perfect. I have no idea what’s going on but that line makes me want to read more.
November 10, 2014 — 8:34 AM
Wendy Christopher says:
Errr-ummmm… is it okay if I put two sentences if the second sentence is really short? I know it’s bending the rules but… ah, y’know what, I’ll take the consequences. I can’t bear to separate them. Like Kim and Kanye (but with less bling and no Kris Jenner.)
‘He thinks he should just do be able to do all that caring doctor stuff without making anyone feel anything. I never meant to feel anything.’
November 10, 2014 — 7:48 AM
Wendy Christopher says:
Aaarrggh, and I STILL screwed it up! It should read:
‘He thinks he should just be able to do all that caring doctor stuff without making anyone feel anything. I never meant to feel anything.’
That’s what I get for breaking the rules – a karmic boot to the arse.
November 10, 2014 — 7:55 AM
Kimberley Cooper says:
“His eyes were out on their stalks but were drooping down, dripping tears onto his cheeks.”
From my first NaNoWriMo. Poor Bob, I’ll have to write what he’s crying about now …
November 10, 2014 — 7:51 AM
Taylor L Scheid says:
“She stroked the coil’s innards, pushing aside wires to look at tubing and capacitors, and though the coil didn’t erupt into miraculous animation, Mattie felt it in herself; she had hoped to breathe a spark into the coil, but it had awakened her instead.”
November 10, 2014 — 7:51 AM
Jacey Bedford says:
The trick was to ascertain their true nature and allow them to indulge it–at the right time and in the right place.
November 10, 2014 — 7:54 AM
Andy Cowley says:
“I said be candid, Speicher, I’m the fucking Pope for Christ’s sake!”
November 10, 2014 — 7:56 AM
hearts_longing says:
This Pope interests me!
November 10, 2014 — 12:48 PM
travis says:
“Mother Fucker!” Paul Bunyan screamed holding his giant hand to an open wound on his scalp.
November 10, 2014 — 8:03 AM
Holly says:
Oh, I like this! I want to know what happens next. Is Babe is cowering or running away? Who would dare hit Paul Bunyan?
November 10, 2014 — 8:06 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
Nice. I want to see the motherfucker what can open the scalp of Paul Bunyan.
November 10, 2014 — 8:29 AM
Bill Mann says:
Bridget cracked open a beer, handed it to Christopher, “BOC to Rammstein. That’s quite a musical journey.”
November 10, 2014 — 8:04 AM
Jamie says:
“She approached the hot springs and dipped her hand in the water to test the temperature. The night was cold and the water felt deliciously hot.”
November 10, 2014 — 8:14 AM
David Walther says:
For a man like him, torture meant either living or dying, but never breaking.
November 10, 2014 — 8:17 AM
Kimberly Peck says:
She backed away from the crater and went to find herself a good, long prodding stick.
The above is actually part of a two-liner, but I chose this part of it because the setup line doesn’t offer as much by itself.
November 10, 2014 — 8:18 AM
fran730 says:
Germany has a particularly rich and eccentric collection, they showed me some pictures, and there was a very odd one in Poland designed so that you could ride a horse up the stairs right to the top, for some reason.
November 10, 2014 — 8:19 AM
Jo Vraca says:
She’d rather be a slut than be boring.
November 10, 2014 — 8:23 AM
PD says:
He seems to have a spilt personality and I hope, for your sake, you never have to confront either of them.
November 10, 2014 — 8:24 AM
Michael E. Henderson says:
His agony ceased as his blackened form burned, raging like a torch covered in pig fat which, to a large degree, is what Gregor now was.
(Dude burned at the stake)
November 10, 2014 — 8:26 AM
john freeter says:
Great image
November 10, 2014 — 9:25 AM
Kir Piccini says:
The red dress hugged all of Violet’s curves, in all the right places. For the first time in her life she didn’t feel busty or round, instead she felt herself channeling Marilyn Monroe in all her Romanesque beauty.
November 10, 2014 — 8:27 AM
adaddinsane says:
I like it, but I hate to tell you that “romanesque” probably doesn’t mean what you think it means.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/romanesque
You’re probably after “statuesque”.
November 10, 2014 — 8:57 AM
Ldrwriter says:
Or perhaps “rubenesque”
November 10, 2014 — 9:20 AM
tedra says:
*sigh*
November 10, 2014 — 1:36 PM
Kevin Wallace says:
Watched pots do not unexpectedly boil, although we do all need to be taken off the heat from time to time.
November 10, 2014 — 8:28 AM
Ashlee Jade says:
From the second draft of my novel (NaNoWriMo isn’t my thing).
‘As he made his knots, and overworked his muscles by hauling barrels and crates, Duran distracted himself from the misery and pain and fear by trying to study and catalogue the creature currently trying to end his life.’
On it’s own it seems clumsy. Hmm, any help?
November 10, 2014 — 8:33 AM
spinnersinclair says:
If you want advice in smoothing it out… maybe cut out the ‘and pain and fear’ and just leave it at ‘misery’. IMO, overworked muscles imply pain already. Also, I’m not sure what the context for the creature is, but ‘trying to study and catalogue’ seems a bit wordy again, so maybe just ‘thought about’ or ‘studied’ if he’s actually watching it or something?
Other than that, I like this sentence — it’s intriguing.
November 10, 2014 — 8:39 AM
Veronica Sicoe says:
I like what this sentence implies, but not that it implies it instead of saying it up fornt. I’m highlighting the things I think make it sound cautious and weak (aka “telling”):
“As he made his knots, and overworked his muscles by hauling barrels and crates, Duran distracted himself from the misery and pain and fear by trying to study and catalogue the creature currently trying to end his life.”
How about this:
“Duran’s body ached as he pulled the knots tighter, hauled the barrels faster, trying to numb the fear squirming inside him and understand the creature that wanted his life.”
Of course, I don’t know your story, so you should probably adjust that. 🙂 Good luck, it sounds like an interesting story.
November 10, 2014 — 8:53 AM
Elvie says:
She paused, searching for a suitable threat, and Izumi cautiously raised her hands to shoulder-height, hoping the girl wouldn’t decide to launch the watering can at her head.
November 10, 2014 — 8:41 AM
Carl Sinclair says:
On the barren fields surrounding Terros City, where the greatest mage on Rathos schemed to break the world, General Ryar Anthoa waited for the dawn.
November 10, 2014 — 8:43 AM
Jeffrey Howe says:
She’d almost made it to the Avatar of Amortization level, as well as, unbeknownst to her, finishing the year’s taxes for the CEO’s cyborg mistress.
November 10, 2014 — 8:44 AM
adaddinsane says:
“When she had been young and credulous, Riette had believed in her mother’s fairy story where Riette’s father was a heroic Boer farmer by the name of Pieter who had been murdered by British soldiers.”
November 10, 2014 — 8:51 AM
Jim Knipp says:
“The waitress, hair a medusa’s nest of restless red vipers, eyes like blue stones set in a pink dough face, approached and drew a check pad like a machete from the apron spread across her wide hips.”
November 10, 2014 — 8:58 AM
Kitten says:
I imagined that by touching him I could transfer the truth of what I felt for him into his consciousness and he would know.
November 10, 2014 — 8:59 AM
serendipitousmc says:
I really like this. Makes me want to know more about these people and the mystery of their relationship.
November 10, 2014 — 9:22 AM
Justin Gustainis says:
From a novella-in-progress, STRANGE MAGIC, latest in the “Morris and Chastain Investigations” series:
“Quincey Morris looked up from the last of the crime scene photos and said, ‘Dan, I’m pretty sure that what you’ve got here is a ghoul problem — a bad one.'”
November 10, 2014 — 9:04 AM
Allison says:
Awesome.
November 10, 2014 — 9:26 AM
Allison says:
“We are the lost souls of war; innocent bystanders determined to put a stop to a battle we knew would have dire consequences.”
November 10, 2014 — 9:04 AM
crumbsdown says:
“It means, my dear, that even though you have not traveled far, you have found yourself a very long way from home.”
November 10, 2014 — 9:05 AM
Allison says:
I like!
November 10, 2014 — 9:09 AM
Tatum Flynn says:
Love this.
November 10, 2014 — 9:24 AM
crumbsdown says:
Thank you both! (It’s one of my favorite lines so far, just under 13,000 words into it.)
November 10, 2014 — 12:39 PM
addy95 says:
Not a line from my current novel as it is still in first draft and not ready. this is from another idea that i will return to.
“We were only suppose to wake up for one reason, when mankind finaly killed itself.”
November 10, 2014 — 9:05 AM
william e. marden says:
He came at last to that place where all things lost and foundering fall.
November 10, 2014 — 9:05 AM
sally suehler says:
She knows. Oh, God. She knows.
November 10, 2014 — 9:09 AM
Billy Higgins says:
WHAT DOES SHE KNOW? Oh hey I’m hooked. Look at that. Good opener.
November 10, 2014 — 9:22 AM
Veronica Sicoe says:
Love this.
November 10, 2014 — 9:36 AM
Elizabeth Edgett (@ElizabethEdgett) says:
The slabs of stone marking Esther’s ossuary stood like a frozen sentinel guarding her bones, casting a long, triangular shadow along the pale pink ice of morning.
November 10, 2014 — 9:14 AM
john freeter says:
If he doubted my sanity before, now he probably thought that murder got me hot or something.
November 10, 2014 — 9:14 AM
Griffin Stiles says:
“The engines were on fire: the hull was breached, the ship was sinking and now, against all probability, the engines were on fire.”
The opening line to my novel. Smugglers and oceanic thieves abound. Feel like I be cheating a bit with that colon but so be it.
November 10, 2014 — 9:16 AM
Griffin Stiles says:
Also, with that neglected ‘might,’ I am suddenly a pirate.
November 10, 2014 — 9:17 AM
Holly says:
This sounds good. I want to know what happens next. Just two things. An object in space would fall not sink and you stated the engines are on fire twice.
November 10, 2014 — 9:26 AM
Griffin Stiles says:
The original was two sentences and the repetition was intentional. “This is bad. These other things are also bad and now repeated for emphasis, this is still bad to boot.” Also, I love how you assumed that it was in space. A sci-fi reader, no? No, the vessel in question is a twin-engine trawler repurposed for smuggling goods over the open ocean. Thanks for the critique, though. I’ll give the opener another once over to see that it works as intended.
November 10, 2014 — 10:10 AM
Holly says:
Oh, dear. Welcome to my ADHD brain. I turn everything into a story. When I read your words my brain began to spin the story and add detail. Of course, it’s in space! LOL.
November 10, 2014 — 10:19 AM
Ldrwriter says:
I do kid lit.
“As she tore it from the spine, Charlotte read the page for the last time. Then she ripped a small piece, placed it in her mouth and chewed as she wept from a broken heart.”
November 10, 2014 — 9:17 AM
spinnersinclair says:
Dallas hesitated, a moment before following them, and looked back at the Promise Stone. She saw her own reflection, pale and watery, and Dave and Fred’s retreating backs — but for just a moment, like seeing the other form in a trick photo, she saw two great green creatures, backbones of oak and leaves for flesh, moving away instead.
(I’m working on a middle-grade fantasy and was actively trying to use shorter sentences than I usually did, so it took me a few minutes to find something that wouldn’t look terrible/convey nothing out of context. :P)
November 10, 2014 — 9:19 AM
Billy Higgins says:
From my online superhero novel: “I still don’t get why you guys won’t let me call myself Cannaboy. Weed’s been a very strong influence in my life, and I’d like my name to reflect that.”
November 10, 2014 — 9:20 AM
hearts_longing says:
I would love a superhero named Cannaboy!
November 10, 2014 — 12:52 PM
aliettedb says:
“There was a sound, on the edge of sleep: Suu Nuoc wasn’t sure if it was a bell and a drum calling for enlightenment; or the tactics-master sounding the call to arms; in that breathless instant–hanging like a bead of blood from a sword’s blade–that marked the boundary between the stylised life of the court and the confused, lawless fury of the battlefield.”
(Yeah, I know. My sentences are long 🙂 )
November 10, 2014 — 9:21 AM