This one’s pretty easy.
I just crossed the 4,000 Twitter follower mark, which is pretty cool. I mean, sure, 3,465 of them are insane Twitter robots who are trying to sell me porn, iPads, real estate, and baby formula…
…but whatever it takes to feed my manic hunger for adoration.
*gibber, howl, snargh*
As such, I want to give you a copy of CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY.
I’m going to give away 10 copies in PDF, Kindle, or Nook format.
How it works is like this: you have 24 hours (till 4pm EST on 6/14/11) to drop a comment into the comments below. What should go into this comment, you ask?
Your favorite word of profanity, and a short description as to why that might be. I figure this is entirely reasonable, given how sodden with wretched language CONFESSIONS happens to be. One assumes that if you’re not comfortable dropping some language yourself, you won’t be comfortable reading through CONFESSIONS. And besides, who doesn’t love a little cussin’?
At 4pm I’ll come back to this post and pick my ten favorite answers. Those folks get a copy of the book.
Jump in. Get to cursing. Get creative. And please to enjoy.
EDIT:
THE WINNERS:
Tamsyn: “Bollocks!” Description made me laugh.
Caytlin: “Shitting Dicknipples,” because that sounds like a bad high school teacher’s name.
Kara: “Twat.” Calling it “cunt’s classy cousin” is pretty genius.
Penrefe: “Dick.” Simple. A classic.
Joanna: “Imperial Fuckton.” Like something out of a filthy version of Star Wars.
Antimony: “Dhallar.” Because now we all can learn something, too.
Patrick Regan: “Flaming Thunder-cunt.” Because, how mythic.
Emily B: “Throatfuck.” Because that one’s new to me.
Sarah: “Cock Holster.” It’s really so elegant.
Spomenka: “Slattern.” Why not go old-school?
And that’s our ten, folks.
It was a tough choice. Be on notice. Really enjoyed roadwhore, cuntblocker, twatwaffle. So many good ones. But these are the ones that spoke to me in the cockles of my heart.
YOU TEN PEOPLE:
Hit me up either using the Contact Form above or at chuckwendig [at] terribleminds [dot] com and I’ll get you squared away with a copy of PENMONKEY.
terribleminds says:
Let me also add:
If you already have a copy, you can still enter and:
a) Win a copy of IRREGULAR CREATURES instead
or
b) Assign your copy of PENMONKEY to another human being who you think might could dig the book.
— c.
June 13, 2011 — 4:12 PM
R Thomas Brown says:
Assclown: It rolls off the tongue, its versatile, it has the air of timelessness without being overused, and it brings to mind images of Pennywise, which is always a bonus.
June 13, 2011 — 4:14 PM
John the Great says:
I’m partial to “Bullshittery of the highest order.” I’ve used it at work several times when talking about suspicious “I see what you did there” orders at work when they don’t want to admit they bought to much or cannot pay.
June 13, 2011 — 4:17 PM
Necromommycon (Cee) says:
Fuck. It’s a noun AND a verb, and more importantly, it reminds me of my darling auntie Gwen (who uses it constantly, like a kind of spoken punctuation). As when she referred to the children’s television network as “fucking Treehouse,” for instance…
June 13, 2011 — 4:20 PM
Marlan says:
Fucknut.
I just like how it feels. I tend to use it a lot in traffic.
Also, cuntmonkey is fun to say.
Also I have all these books in some format, so pass it on to someone. If I win, we can work something out.
June 13, 2011 — 4:20 PM
tamsyn says:
Bollocks!
Because I like to crush them, flick them, fondle them, eat them…
They come in so many shapes, sizes, colours and textures.
And they made my babies.
All round useful and fun!
June 13, 2011 — 4:24 PM
Caytlin says:
“Shitting Dicknipples.”
I mean, seriously. The imagery alone is enough to keep you busy for a few minutes, wondering /how in the hell…/
June 13, 2011 — 4:24 PM
Brendan Gannon says:
Asshat. It at once suggests that the person is being an inconsiderate jerk and that they are clueless enough to be wearing an ass as a hat. It reminds me of such rich phrases as “couldn’t find his ass with both hands and a compass.”
June 13, 2011 — 4:27 PM
Katy says:
Feck. With a two-year-old parrot boy in the house, it’s more acceptable than fuck. Especially as we live in Ireland – it’s practically not a swear word at all. Yet is. Fantastic. And if aforementioned boy arrives at creche and says in his tiny little voice, ‘feck!’ it’s fine as I can lie, blithely, and say that we are teaching him to speak Irish. Where feic (verb) means ‘to see’. Handy or what?
June 13, 2011 — 4:27 PM
Brooke says:
“metric shit-ton” was a favorite in college. but any good combination of one syllable obscene words and two syllable non-obscene words ring through the house on a daily basis, favorites being “fuck buckets” and “piss pockets”. The more alliteration, consonance, or assonance the better. Usually I just try to come up with the most nonsensical combination possible to surprise my husband. Though he beat me yesterday with “suck squirrel”.
June 13, 2011 — 4:28 PM
Eve says:
Back in HS, I hung out with the Tech Crew. When we got in trouble with (several) teachers for swearing, we took it as a challenge to get creative. “Bitchmonkey” and “monkeywhore” were the most common when there were “non-crew members” around. We also all taught ourselves to “bleep” out swearwords – only pronouncing the first sound. Fun times.
Bit of nostalgia aside, my current favorites are “balls!” and “Jesus balls!” because I’ve got a 4 year old and I learned the hard way you don’t just drop f-bombs around him or daycare gets mad. 🙂
Thanks!
June 13, 2011 — 4:29 PM
Sue says:
Fuck. Lots of nice hard vowels, it rolls nicely off the tongue. Also, so many of our friends were scandalized when I instructed our then-7-year-old son on the appropriate times to use the word fuck. In my defense, I did suggest that he just THINK it, rather than say it out loud. But even a seven year old (probably especially a seven year old) has plenty of occasions when it’s perfectly appropriate to think “fuck off” or “what the fuck do you know?”
June 13, 2011 — 4:30 PM
Tami says:
“Monkeys”
I know, I know, it lacks the lyrical poetry of “ashattery”, the fish-slap of “fuck your couch”, and the rapid-fire staccato of “Fuck fuck fuckety fuck fuck” but my favorite swear word is “monkeys”. (I’ve tried substituting “weasels” but it doesn’t work as well)
An extreme example of use would be, “Sweet Mary, mother of monkeys.”
Bonus points for the ability to swear in public, at work, and in front of children.
June 13, 2011 — 4:30 PM
Peter Sturdee says:
Fuckwit. It rolls up the sentiment in “noobies and tards” with a good double dosage of hard consonance.
June 13, 2011 — 4:30 PM
Jason says:
“Bitch-Nazi!”
Because not only is it surprising profane when used in the proper context…it’s also potentially offensive to Germans, Jews…and bitches.
June 13, 2011 — 4:31 PM
Kara says:
* twat *
It’s fun to say and a little like giving the other person a slap in the face without actually touching them. It’s cunt’s classy cousin.
June 13, 2011 — 4:46 PM
Karen Tavares says:
“Ass-hat” and “Fuck-wad” are pretty much tied. They’re interchangeable and I like my curse-words with some flexibility and comedic value.
June 13, 2011 — 4:53 PM
Stacey says:
Although I still can’t utter it in front of my mother, I have a fondness for the word “fuck.” It’s short and has that great hard “ck” sound at the end. It’s also versatile. And sometimes another word just won’t do. In my mind, it’s pretty much the Coca-Cola Classic of curse words.
Plus it pleases my parochial schooled heart to use a “filthy” word.
June 13, 2011 — 4:56 PM
Rick A. Carroll says:
Piss off, monkey boy. I’ll not play your little “user-generated-content” game.
Fnord. Because it’s fucking fnord. There is no fnord.
For example “Fnord! Wendig is trying to get us to make his blog witty again.”
Or “What the fuck? I already own both of these books. Why should I enter this crap? Fnord!”
June 13, 2011 — 4:58 PM
Penrefe says:
Dick. Just plain old dick. I like it best because it’s versatile (you can be a dick, be dicking about, performing acts of dickery), and also, because it’s a little bit naughty.
June 13, 2011 — 5:00 PM
Andrew D. Snow says:
Fucker Dummy: This was used extensively by the old bartender at my favourite watering hole. She claimed it was the greatest insult possible, as it calls into question your intelligence and your quality as a human being.
June 13, 2011 — 5:00 PM
josin says:
Crud Monkeys.
Yes, this is a curse word as used by an elementary school boy, because it can be shouted with aplomb without risk of punishment.
Likewise: Poodle doodle and Lacing your beads, which isn’t actually a curse word, but while in high school, we tormented a substitute into thinking it was slang or some other sort of innuendo I’ve since forgotten. 😛
June 13, 2011 — 5:03 PM
Brandy says:
I’m partial to “shitcock” and “fuckbuckets” – my husband will sing-song “fuckety fuck fuck” from time to time. I work in an office where cussing happens surprisingly often, but it’s in a exaggerated sort of whisper, and we never say the whole word. So “Fuhhhh” has become this ridiculous ingrained verbal tick. I also substitute words, like “sugar” and “biscuits”. I’ve shouted out “Son of a biscuit!” at work when the server crashed. You can make a word mean whatever you want! Language is AWESOME!
June 13, 2011 — 5:03 PM
Tim says:
“Brustling”
As in: http://www.whompcomic.com/2011/05/25/brustle-up-some-rub/
Possibly the most offensive term imaginable for anyone with facial hair, especially those that come so fat they wanna do laser. I mean come on, really? Where would this be an acceptable practice to accuse somebody of enjoying?
June 13, 2011 — 5:03 PM
Sylvia says:
Herr Gott Donnerwetter nochamal!
This was my grandfather’s standard curse. Directly translated, it means Lord God thunderweather yet again. Which makes no sense at all (even if you accept the near vicinity of the forest of Odin) but sounds tremendous. To do it right, you have to slur it all together and stress the second syllable and spit a little bit at the very end.
June 13, 2011 — 5:09 PM
you know my name says:
Shitfuck! I missed the deadline!
June 13, 2011 — 5:17 PM
Tucker says:
Pigfucker. Partly for the old joke (“Do they call me Carpenter Frank? No. Do they call me Plumber Frank? No. Do they call me Accordionist Frank? No. But ya fuck /one/ pig…”) and partly for the old South Park line “Dude, don’t say pigfucker in front of Jesus!” but mostly for how it rolls off the tongue. Pigfucker. You pigfucker. All those pigfuckers.
June 13, 2011 — 5:17 PM
Joanna says:
Someone already mentioned “metric fuckton”. However, I prefer the slightly more elegant “imperial fuckton”, as it is equal to 1.2 metric fucktons and divides evenly by four. I don’t care if the rest of the world uses it, metric is boring.
June 13, 2011 — 5:38 PM
Stephanie says:
Originally, I liked “fuck” better than anything due to its diversity (noun and verb). You can be fucked, fuck, or give (or not give) a fuck. However, upon contemplation, I feel shit is way more diverse. In addition to the noun and verb forms, you also get to tack on adjectives and adverbs. You can have a shitty day or you can say that the job was done shitily (did I just make that up?)
June 13, 2011 — 5:41 PM
Patti Kuche says:
How do I feel? My heart bleeds purple piss . . .
June 13, 2011 — 5:46 PM
Sarah J. Schlosser says:
“Assbackwards.” Or, if you prefer, “Bass-ackwards,” in more polite company.
I usually utilize this term to refer to the mass transit system in the city of San Francisco when they publish a time for the next train/bus and then, just as the time gets down to about 3 minutes, they decide that the next train/bus actually won’t be there for another 30-40 minutes. Perhaps the system has traveled assbackwards, or the supervisors are thinking “No one will notice,” which is assbackwards.
June 13, 2011 — 5:48 PM
Katie says:
Jesus Mother Fucking Son of a Bitch…
It’s fun, it’s versitile, you can use it in any circumstance, and you can get some pretty wide eyes staring at you, so the shock value is an A+.
For example… Angry at a person or object? Yell “Jesus Mother Fucking Son of a Bitch” at the top of your lungs and you instantly feel better.
Did you discover that all important plot twist in an eureka moment? Yell “Jesus Mother Fucking Son of a Bitch” as all of your plot problems are solved.
In church and feel a sudden urge to scream “Jesus Mother Fucking Son of a Bitch”? Go ahead, then blame it on tourette’s… Ahh, good times…=)
June 13, 2011 — 5:49 PM
Lindsay Mawson says:
I can’t choose between “Dipshit” and anything that relates to “Fuck” –er, ing, ed, wad. Dipshit because I haven’t heard it in so many years that it’s fresh in my mind, like a new swearword that has suddenly become popular. Fuck because I use it in almost every sentence and just can’t stop. I’m addicted to the word like an addict is addicted to his blow. Fuck has to be my favourite because when used appropriately, (or not too much) it is the ultimate display of anger, more so than any other swearword I can think of. Oh, and it sounds better the more you emphasize it.
June 13, 2011 — 5:58 PM
Dylan says:
Fuck.
Simple. Elegant. Versatile. You can use it to make any conversation more interesting, because it can be used in almost ANY way. It can be metaphor, simile, accusation, interrogation, adjective, noun, verb…
“Goodness me, this crossword puzzle is a motherfucker.” “Do you want anything from the fridge, you soggy fuck?” “If you don’t start putting the toilet seat down, I’m going to fuck you until your asshole looks like a Shar-Pei’s face.”
June 13, 2011 — 6:03 PM
Beth says:
Ass-licker because it’s so much more insulting than brown-noser.
June 13, 2011 — 6:07 PM
Foz Meadows says:
Clusterfuck is pretty high up the list, just because it’s awesomely descriptive; ditto for FUBAR. I’ll also admit to loving a particularly Australian expression, wherein a busy person is described as being “scheduled from arsehole to breakfast.” I have no idea where that phrase comes from, but it is deliciously absurd, if not technically an expletive in its own right.
An Irish friend swears by pissflaps as a favourite term, but that’s more him than me. Also: there is something innately satisfying about the word munted.
June 13, 2011 — 6:20 PM
Patrick Regan says:
“Flaming Thunder-cunt”. Because it combines the absolute worst swear in the book with two so incredibly ludicrous statements that it somehow makes it less offensive. Plus, it, to me, sounds almost epic. We’re not just talking about garden variety assholes. We’re talking about the assholes of Legend and Song. The kind that would requires a magic sword taken from the Fae Wilds to beat.
June 13, 2011 — 6:21 PM
Diane Henders says:
“snot-gobbling fuck-pig”
I dunno, pretty much self-explanatory, wouldn’t you think? But you can’t use it on its own. It has to be preceded by at least two garden-variety obscenities. Then you can whip it out and slam it down on the conversational table.
E.g. “goddamn sonuvabitch snot-gobbling FUCK-PIG!”
Escalation, culminating in shock and awe. The nuclear warhead, if you will.
I even used it in one of my books. Can’t understand why I’m not published yet…
June 13, 2011 — 6:28 PM
Nicole Murphy says:
My favourite – poo bum dicky fart wee.
Just say it – then you’ll know.
June 13, 2011 — 6:33 PM
Anthony Elmore says:
“shit-biscuits”
Usually, this is my response to a unexpected error either during programming, user sessions or any kind of chore, like light carpentry. I usually switch to ‘poopcicles’ if guests, clergy and children are around.
June 13, 2011 — 6:57 PM
Antimony says:
Stumbled in here, sorta by accident.
A comment section dedicated to swear words? Think I’ll stay…
My favourite is probably ‘dhallar’
It’s Punjabi, and as far as I know it’s a combination of ‘fuck’, ‘cock’, ‘shit’ and most other profanities…
June 13, 2011 — 6:59 PM
Tami Veldura says:
Jesus on a stick.
Derived from ‘shit on a stick’ during a moment when ‘shit’ just wasn’t good enough.
With the unfortunate connotation of referencing the man’s death/sacrifice.
The irony of which promptly made me crack up hysterically despite Christian company.
This did not help my situation.
June 13, 2011 — 7:02 PM
Sparky says:
Sodomite. It sounds so nice and clean, or at least refined but it’s so very not. I use it at work constantly in reference to pretty much everyone I know. Also it strings together with others so well: Troglodytic Oedipal Cum swilling Sodomite and so on.
Also in many cases you can defend it’s use since it is true for so many people. By some definitions sodomy is anal sex. By others it is any sexual congress other than in marriage missionary position for procreation. Given that almost any non virgin is a sodomite.
June 13, 2011 — 7:10 PM
Sarah Dreyer says:
I’m very fond of FUCK-KNUCKLE. It has the explosive mouth-feel of a good expletive, a good rhythm, and a twinkle of good-natured Australasian humour. It doesn’t cover all the grammatical bases that FUCK does, but still, it’s a mighty fine swear word.
June 13, 2011 — 7:32 PM
Christina G says:
Rather torn between “bugger”, for its variety of uses, and “fuckerdoodles”, which is just so damn fun to say.
June 13, 2011 — 7:37 PM
Ivan Ewert says:
“Cum-belching roadwhore.”
Because I had written it as the postscript on a post-it note and left it on the door of a collegiate friend.
The day his mother came to visit.
Accidentally.
And I had to explain to said old mother, whom I ushered to his room, having *forgotten* that I left it there, that we had some vandals in the dorms.
June 13, 2011 — 7:52 PM
Nathan Crowder says:
I’ve been partial to “stump-fucker” for way too long. Or in formal parlance, “slack-jawed stump-fucker.”
I know. I’m a class act all the way.
June 13, 2011 — 7:52 PM
lindevi says:
Mothercunts
June 13, 2011 — 7:55 PM
Lily says:
Pissant gobshite. My Grandmother liked to lob that one at my Dad a lot, while deep within her whiskey coated cups. I’m also fond of ‘living afterbirth,’ and ‘jesusfuck.’
Sometimes, ‘fucksticks’ just rolls off the tongue.
June 13, 2011 — 7:57 PM
Adam B says:
“Bugger” is quintessentially Australian but I prefer “buggery bollocks” for the simplistic, yet it effective alliterative quality.
June 13, 2011 — 7:59 PM