Apple-Obsessed Author Fella

Month: February 2012 (page 1 of 5)

Wuzza Wooza Wendig?

So, first things first, I have to show you that. “That” being that image up there. That’s right, cats and kittens — another jaw-dropping eyeball-popping Joey Hi-Fi cover for yours truly. This time, for the next in the Miriam Black series, Mockingbird. (Cool interview with “Mister Hi-Fi” right over here.)

I’m the luckiest book boy in the world.

What else is going on?

Well. Lessee.

• The Bait Dog Kickstarter has 20 days left and we have crossed over the $4500 threshold. Which is crazy delicious. But, as yet, we have not yet crossed over into the “second book a-coming” bracket, which is set at a $6000 milestone. So, if you want to make me write another Atlanta Burns novel beyond Bait Dog, well, you know what to do.

Shotgun Gravy (the novella that comes before Bait Dog) has been picking up a ton of very loving reviews lately. Producer Paul says, “I continue to be more and more impressed with author Chuck Wendig, and Shotgun Gravy is no exception.” Josh Loomis says, “It’s a tense read, crackling with nervous energy and dread anticipation of what will happen next.” Jess says, “[Atlanta Burns is] human, vulnerable and yet ballsy in a way most people just wish they were.” Oh, and finally, 58 smashing reviews hanging out at the novella’s Amazon page.

• Another Kickstarter is doing well, and it’s also one to which I contributed — Smallsmall Thing is a documentary about the rape of a little Liberian girl and what that means for her family, her community and her country. I did some script work on it, and it’s a very powerful story. It’s already over 33% — worth taking a peek (click here).

Blackbirds rocks another very kind review — “This is a relatively small price to pay though when you’ve got Wendig throwing you into any number of violent and chilling encounters with what is becoming his typical abrasive attitude. The guy has only written two books and already I can’t get enough. If you’re after some urban fantasy that is by no means typical then ‘Blackbirds’ is probably already on your wish list. For everyone else, give it a go anyway and have your mind blown. Wendig takes you on a journey, down the forgotten highways of America, that you won’t soon forget.” From the review at Graeme’s Fantasy Book Review!

• Oh! Another great Blackbirds review (at the World Writ Small) says: “Probably the best thing about this book is that it never leaves you time to feel sorry or second guess any of the characters. They are so clearly drawn that everything about them feels realistic, and hate them or not, you know they’re just going to keep on keeping on. The worst thing about this book is that it ends.”

• Dang, the hits just keep coming! From Dead End Follies: “There are many plot twists to Blackbirds that will make you stand up and yell ‘OH MY FUCKING GOOOOOOD. NO WAY’ but they are strategically placed in the story, so you never know when you’ll be slapped across the face. Keeps a reader tense, believe me. All in all, it’s a crazy story I could very well see on film in the new few years.”

• A very kind review of Double Dead by writer pal Eddy Webb, where he refers to me as a “subtle storyteller.” And then, surprisingly, does not admit to having just eaten a faceful of acid.

• Holy crap! Bad Blood cover! (Sequel to Double Dead, in case you didn’t realize.)

• Holy crap! I just saw the Dinocalypse Now cover! But you can’t see it! Yet! Soon! I’m sure! Exclamation point!

• Some of my #fakeoscars tweets were agglomerated at the Washington Post culture blog.

• Am in the process of unfucking my own YA cornpunk novel, Popcorn.

• Our son took his first step — like, he was holding onto the couch, he pivoted, took a full step on his own, and then tumbled into his mother’s arms. It’s not walking, not yet, but I think we’re getting closer now. He’s nine months old and he’s been standing up like crazy (15 second record!). And he also built an F-14 out of our couch and flew it to the moon where he established a lunar colony for lost puppies. Okay, maybe not so much that last part.

• Finally, the good news is, terribleminds is getting to be very popular. The bad news is, that popularity costs. My web fees have gone up again in response to “increased compute cycles,” which is I guess the same as saying, “The robots are having to work harder to manage the strain your blog is causing on the rest of the robot universe.” Or something. May need a new host soon, or may really need to start considering new ways to fund this site.

25 Ways To Unfuck Your Story

Recently I’ve been going through a process of “unfucking” a novel — parts of it fired really well, but it just didn’t feel right. Something about it just didn’t hang together, so it was time to break out all the tools a writer has in his arsenal — every scalpel, hatchet, reciprocating saw, Drilldo, and orbital laser I had in my cabinet of madness. The agent was instrumental in shining a light in dark corners on this book.

Thus I thought, “Well, hell, I should chronicle the grand unfucking at terribleminds.”

So, here we are.

This isn’t meant to be a list where you do everything on it. It’s a list where, when you discover your story may indeed be well and truly fucked, you come here looking for ways to reverse the heinous fuckery at hand.

First part of the list is geared toward helping you identify the fuckery.

Second part of the list is meant to help you provide the deep dicking your manuscript may require.

With that in mind, let’s commence to unfucking!

1. Find The Cancer

First up: root out the heinous fuckery at hand. Somewhere, your story went off the rails. The flow has been dammed up by some log-jam, some sewer-clog, and it’s your job to find out where the thing got gummed up. You cannot cure the cancer if you have no diagnosis indicating where it lives. Is it face cancer? Butt cancer? A deep and septic cancer of the soul? You need to know where to aim your editorial laser-knife.

2. Let It Sit And Pickle

Writers need time away from their work. Go at it too soon and you either hate it too much to let it live or love it too much to cut it with your steely knives. You need enough distance from the work to let you read it and believe that someone else wrote it — that distance allows you the cold, dispassionate dissecting the tale needs. Maybe that means you leave it for two weeks, two months, or two years. That’s on you to figure out. But when you dig back in, you’ll be amazed at the clarity a little time has afforded you. The trouble spots will start to stand out like a shadow on an X-Ray.

3. Read It Aloud

Another good way to get a feel for the story: read it aloud. Last week I interviewed author and alpha clone Dan O’Shea, and he said some characteristically smart shit about reading your work aloud: “Writing is just a system humans dreamed up because the sound of speech was transitory. … When you read something out loud, you catch things with  your ears that you don’t with your eyes. All the awkward little constructions that your eyes rolled right over, the word you are repeating too often, the dialogue that’s glaringly bad when read out loud – your ears will catch bullshit that your eyes never will.”

4. Solicit The Help Of A Story Doctor

Sometimes objectivity only comes at the hands of someone who plainly Isn’t You. Agent. Editor. Beta reader. Strange homeless guy who has a cardboard sign reading: WILL UNFUCK MANUSCRIPTS FOR BOTTLE OF RED WINE AND NEW PAIR OF UNDERWEAR. (Which is, for the record, a seriously good deal.) You can’t always WebMD this shit. Sometimes you need a proper story doc to diagnose the patient.

5. Determine Severity Of Fucked-Upedness

Okay, good. You now know that your story is bewitched by fuckery-most-foul. The question now becomes: just how befuckered is the tale? To what depths do the rancidity and rottenness go? I’ll suggest that the condition of the story will demand one of three courses of action (which we will call “The Three R’s”): it may need Refining, Repairing, or Rebuilding. Refining is easy enough — the story’s got grit in its panties and it just needs to shake out the sand. Give it a thorough washing, waxing and polishing and you’re good. Repair means getting handsy with it — move some chapters around, excise a supporting character, tinker with the overall architecture of the thing (“MORE FLYING BUTTRESSES”). Rebuild is… well. No good way to say it, is there? Time to pack the walls with C4 and bring the whole thing down. Only then can the phoenix fly free from the pile of ash you left on the linoleum. More on that last one later.

6. Carve A Prison Shiv From Your Prose

A story can be held back by the language used to tell it. The story itself may be in tip-top fighting shape, but a story that’s poorly-written won’t ever make it to the ring. Refining language is key. Go through every sentence with pruning shears. Cut out junk language like so many fatty tumors. Dead-head your darlings. The goal of a sentence is clarity above all else. (Shameless self-promotion time: 250 Things You Should Know About Writing features: “25 Things You Should Know About Writing A Fucking Sentence.”)

7. Rearrange The Revelations

No, I don’t mean the final book of the Bible — you can rearrange that book however you want, it’ll still read like an eschatalogical acid trip. (“Holy shit, is Jesus karate-fighting a dragon!?”) No, I mean, a narrative progression is about the revelation of your story, and sometimes you need to re-jigger the timing of how you reveal certain things. Put differently: rearrange the sequence of narrative events (also known as: “the plot”). Your story may be frontloaded with too much drama — or not enough.

8. Re-Outline That Sumbitch

I just did this, and Sweet Sally Sugarbottom did it do my story wonders: first, take your story and outline it as it exists. Now you’ve got the story’s bones laid bare before you (perhaps on index cards, if you’re so inclined) and it becomes easy at this macro level to start doing what I just said you should do: rearrange the pieces. But — but! — not only does it help you rejigger, it helps you find problem spots. I literally killed off a handful of chapters and re-outlined new ones. Suddenly, I could see the forest for the trees — and it helped me hunt down the tumor-bedraggled grizzly bear that was eating all my wonderful story bunnies. No, I don’t know what that means. I just wanted to write “tumor-bedraggled grizzly bear.” And “story bunnies.” And also, I ate fistfuls of peyote earlier. So, there’s that.

9. Learn To Be Fashionably Late

You’ve got this whole beginning, right? This whole first act where you establish characters and create exposition and set the setting and — ZZZzzZzzz — wuzza? Whooza? Who are you? Why are my pants undone? Fuck the beginning. Take a chainsaw and lop off the whole first act (er, roughly — the chainsaw is not a precision tool, after all). Start the story as late into the plot as you can possibly manage without completely obliterating reader comprehension. This is true of individual scenes, too — Chris Holm, in his interview here at terribleminds, said: “If there’s a scene you think just grinds the story to a halt, before you go chucking the whole damn thing, try deleting the first and last paragraphs of that scene. I’ll bet you it reads better.” See? Smart dude. High-five to him.

10. The Glue Of The Throughline

Obi-Wan Kenobi, before all that stinky Midichlorian hoo-hah, said something really cool about the Force: “It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the Galaxy together.” (Assuming he wasn’t talking about some bondage fuck-party at some Huttese orgy palace on Tatooine, I guess.) In terms of writing, Obi-Wan could’ve been talking about a story’s throughline. The throughline is everything. The throughline is the element (or several elements braided together) that is found on every page of your story. It’s theme and motivation and idea and conflict bundled up together. And guess what? Your story may not have one. Or, more likely, it may have an inconsistent throughline. Take time to identify a throughline. Then take the time to hammer that nail through the whole of your manuscript.

11. Unearth The Emotional Core

The emotional core is the molten hot heart of your story — but it remains properly concealed, because if unleashed it will burn the rest of your story in a scorching wave of fiery twee pap. (If you say “fiery twee pap” over and over again, an elf will appear and Taser you in the face. True story, try it out. Then film it and put it on YouTube.) That said, while you may not expose the emotional core, it should still power the story like a big ol’ battery. Have you identified the emotional core of the story — and, the emotional core of each character? Do you know the emotional component that drives them? Is that emotion present and keenly felt (if not entirely seen)? You may need to install an emotional core inside your tale. Which makes your story sound like a spaceship. Which is kind of fucking awesome.

12. Tighten The Gooshy Mushy Middle

The middle of your story can feel like everyone is lost in the desert. Like the narrative structure has dissolved into a gallumphing pile of gray, raisin-specked ooze. The middle needs tension. The middle needs structure. Consider a mid-point act break — smack dab in the middle of the story, change things. Pivot the tale. Let the narrative experience a state change (steam to water, water to ice). Make sure that escalation and conflict are continuing through the middle — don’t let the second act play out as a straight line connecting the first and third.

13. Ensure Every Scene Has A Porpoise

If a scene fails to have a dolphin or porpoise, then your story is a bonafide turd-blossom. *checks notes* Wait, that’s not it. Oh. Oh. Purpose! Heh. Hah. Oh. Let’s try this again. Each scene must have a purpose. Test each scene. Weigh it in your hand. Does it have narrative purpose? Meaning, does it just sit there, or does it get up and go to motherfucking work? Does it push the plot forward? Does it reveal something new about the characters? Does it tell us something we didn’t know before? If you can’t find its purpose, kill it. That doesn’t necessarily mean you need to replace it, either (though a transition may be required).

14. Speaking Of Transitions. . .

Sometimes, transitions are all you need. A plot can feel inconsistent and inconsequential if you haven’t drawn the proper bridges connecting each event to the next. The opposite can be true, too. You may have too many needless transitions. Don’t spend 10 pages getting the characters to where they’re going. I mean, unless they’re riding jet-skis. BECAUSE FUCK YEAH JET SKIS. *vroom vroom splash eeee!*

15. Blow Shit Up, Boom

Fuck the status quo. Your story got boring, son. Hey, it happens. It settled like a sleepy snake taking a nap in a wheel rut. How to fix? Blow something up. This can be literal (as in Stephen King’s THE STAND, when a writing block in that story led him to blow up half the characters with a bomb), or metaphorical (meaning, you drop a “bomb” that reverberates throughout the entire rest of the story).

16. Not Enough Dialogue

Dialogue is story lube. We hit a patch of dialogue and we glide right over it — it’s textually light, easy on the eyes, and it damn sure keeps things moving. Yet it has great potential to carry forward plot, character, and theme. Look at the actual construction of language upon the page. Do you see lots of description? Great heaving tsunamis of text? Will the audience feel as if they’ve been walled away with the cask of Amontillado? Cut that down, break it up, and add liberal helpings of dialogue.

17. Faster, Pussycat, Write, Write, Write

Pacing is key — you want a story that moves, not a story that lays there like a fat old housecat on the windowsill. That’s not to say every story needs to whoosh forward like it has a bitey ferret shoved up the pooper, but certainly you want to take a long look at a story that has all the momentum of a moth caught in cold honey. How to increase pacing? First, language. Use shorter paragraphs and sentences. Get to the action quicker. Keep things moving — boom boom boom boom. Second, cut out plot fat. Anything that the audience does not absolutely need to know should not be told. Third, chop out heavy description and exposition. And remember that note about dialogue: story lube.

18. Breathe Oxygen Into The Tale

The other side of pacing is that things can go too quick — sometimes you need to cool your heels, hoss. A story needs oxygen. You need to cool down the tension so that the readers get to catch their breath before you push them off the cliff once more. Do things feel like they’re moving at a pace too frenetic? Stretch it out, like taffy. Interject some strong emotional beats to space out the action.

19. Tantric Storytelling

One of the reasons we read is to pursue mysteries. We are transfixed by variables; we are held fast by unanswered questions. So, unanswer some already-answered questions. Withhold revelation. Find those things you’ve already told the reader and pull back. Keep it obfuscated — answer as late in the story as you possibly can. A lot of storytelling is you being a dick and not telling the reader things. You’re promising them, “Oh, no, I’ll answer that question real soon,” and then soon as they dive for the carrot you pull it back another five inches. “Soon,” you say again. Then, just as you’re about to lose them: POW. Mystery answered.

20. Your Characters In Full 3-D And Smell-o-Vision

Your characters might be falling flat. Reason? They are flat. They’re too simple. Too predictable. They have all the depth and breadth of a hot pink Post-It note. Give your characters some complexity. Motivations and fears don’t always need to be so cut-and-dry. Desires can compete. Characters should zig when the audience wants them to zag. They should be able to still surprise us. Pull each character out and give her a good long look. Is she too simple? Too one-note and on-the-nose? Then either fill her with the breath of complexity or throw that boring-ass douche-cookie in the refuse bin. Mmm. Douche-cookies. So vinegary!

21. You’re Being Too Nice

A storyteller must possess a savage cruelty, a compunction to do great harm to both character and the audience who loves that character. Look over your story. Are you pulling punches? Does the story operate at maximum malice? Stop glad-handing it. It’s not your job to be kind. Show your teeth. Sharpen your claws. Let the audience gaze upon the terror of your FUCK YOU IMMA EAT YOUR CHILDREN face.

22. Hot Sub-Plot Injection

We like a layered story, a tale with lasagna layers of meat and cheese and sauce and unexpected spices (“Is this sage? Do I taste… marmoset saliva? Oh! These ivory buttons give it such crunch!”). Sub-plots help give a story added complexity. A sub-dermal love story? An off-the-books heist-gone-wrong? The reconciliation of two best friends long ago separated by one’s preference of cake over pie (the blasphemy!)? Whatever. The sub-plot should bolster the main plot and should offer more of that throughline we talked about earlier.

23. You’ve Lost The Thread

Theme is the argument you’re making with the story. All men are doomed to fail. Or, nature wins over nurture. Or, pie is delicious and anybody who says cake is better than pie is clearly a Manchurian Candidate put here to assassinate our leaders. Right? Right. Sometimes, though, you’ll find parts of your story — scenes, characters, whole chapters — that seem to entirely ignore your theme and go traipsing off on their own. Such portions will stick out like broken noses. Find those outliers. Either tweak to confirm theme or eradicate and put something better in their place.

24. The Disappointing Ejaculation

Your story’s ending is everything. A great story with a real poodle-fucker of an ending feels like a let-down and can take a whizz all over the rest of the story. It’s a grumpy panda playing a sad trombone. The ending might not make sense. It might be too predictable. Maybe you just tapped out early and descended into a flurry of senseless profanity. “And then the three elves went to the old wizard and FUCKDUNKING JIZZFARMING SONOFACOCKJUGGLING NIPPLE-THIEF.” Sometimes a fucked-up story just needs you go back in and hammer out a new ending. So, go do that. I’ll wait here. Shameless self-promo #2: 500 Ways To Be A Better Writer has within its digital folds: “25 Things You Should Know About Endings.”

25. Go All Dalek On They Asses: Exterminate!

When I first wrote BLACKBIRDS, that book was all over the place. It was like some hyperactive child upended his toy-box all over the floor — the tale had no cohesion, the narrative components were everywhere, it was more a “pile of shit” than a “lean mean tightrope walk.” Came a point when I realized I had a good idea — in fact, many good ideas — in there, but the lit-puke I’d yarfed up on the page was never going to cut it. And so I fixed it the same way we’re going to fix civilization after the Mayan apocalypse: I destroyed everything and rebuilt it from the ground up. Meaning, I rewrote it. I scrapped everything I’d done and started over. (After re-0utlining, if you must know.) Then, in a few short weeks, I had a much more sensible, streamlined draft — a draft that would go on to get me an agent, a book deal, a film deal, a moving van full of gold doubloons, and a harem of book groupies with astoundingly loose morals. (Okay, that might not all be true.) Point is, sometimes you have to blow it all up and start over. No harm in that. In fact, it might be the best — if not the most pleasant — thing for your story.


Like this post? Want more just like it? Try these books:

The newest: 500 MORE WAYS TO BE A BETTER WRITER —

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The original: 500 WAYS TO BE A BETTER WRITER —

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Only a buck: 250 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WRITING —

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The biggun: CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY–

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Funny Books?

This weekend on Twitter, I said something about blah blah blah, religion isn’t funny enough, and if I had a critique of the Bible is that it needs more jokes. And then I went on to recommend a particularly funny book about religion — Lamb: The Gospel According To Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal, by Christopher Moore.

Moore is, of course, a funny motherfucker. I’ve seen him speak a few times at book signings. He took the people at one signing out for drinks. Another signing I went to as a component of my bachelor party (not kidding). He’s great. Very engaging. He will at times talk about animal penises. It’s just how he rolls.

And all his books are off-the-charts funny, at least to me. I still remember reading Practical Demonkeeping in high school and thinking that he was the horror equivalent of Douglas Adams.

I read him, Bradley Denton, Tim Sandlin, and I think — “This stuff is rolling in raw hilarity.”

Thing is, you don’t read many funny novels.

I hear the prevailing wisdom is, “It’s hard to sell a funny novel.”

Though, I suspect what that really means is, “It’s hard to write a funny novel.”

So, two questions:

First, what funny novels have you read? Why were they funny? Were they more than just funny? Did they have good characters, good story, all the things you should have in a proper tale?

Second, what’s funny? How do you write funny?

That second one’s an open-ended and perhaps unanswerable question.

But worth asking, just the same.

Take a crack it it.

See you in the comments.

Flash Fiction Challenge: The 10k Contest

Last week’s “Make Me A Sandwich” challenge went pretty apeshit — closing in on 50 submissions at the time of this writing. Go check it out, won’t you?

*blink blink*

Somehow, I have fooled 10,000 of you into following me on Twitter.

This is insane, and suggests that most of you are spam-flavored sex-bots, sex-flavored spam-bots, or brain-diseased serial killers with a penchant for loudmouthed idiocy in the form of questionable writing advice. Either way, it happened, and there you all are, spambot-or-no. So, I thought I’d thank you by giving away a little something-something, bow-chicka-bow-dow.

But I’m still going to make you work for it.

I want you to tell me a story in five sentences.

(Yes, a complete story.)

No longer than 100 words total. The shorter, the better, in fact.

The permutations of the story beyond length are up to you: I don’t much care about genre or subject matter or any other fiddly bits. All I care about is the brevity and, by proxy, the potency of the tale at hand.

Deposit your storytelling awesomeness direct in the comments below. Do not put it at your blog.

You get one entry. So, write strong and choose wisely.

You have until Monday (2/27/2012) at noon EST to get your entries in. Then, by the following Monday, I will pick my favorite out of the whole big-ass bunch of stories.

The writer of my favorite story gets a prize package. Which is not a euphemism for my penis.

Prize package includes:

(1) hard copy of Double Dead, signed.

(1) hard copy of Human Tales anthology (story in it by me), signed.

(1) digital e-book copy of: all of my writing books (including the newest, 500 More Ways To Be A Better Writer), Shotgun Gravy, Irregular Creatures, and, when it comes out (late April), Blackbirds.

(1) handwritten postcard by moi.

Now, if you’re international, you can still enter — but, you’ll either have to pony up for shipping or just accept the digital e-books (i.e. no Double Dead, Human Tales, or postcard).

So, that’s it.

Five sentences.

Buncha giveaway stuff.

Monday’s the end.

Come on and tell us all a story.

* * *

EDIT:

All right. Time to call a winner and then, for giggles, a back-up winner.

First, let me say — some very good stuff here. Also, some very not-good stuff here. And some puzzlingly improper stuff — stuff that didn’t abide by the rules, stuff that fell prey to very easy-to-fix mistakes.

(Also: a curious thread popping up of dudes killing wives or girlfriends. Entries like that are unlikely to ever win anything, by the by.)

So.

Two winners. First winner wins everything I listed. Second winner wins only e-books of my writing-related books (five books in total).

First (grand) winner: Damien Kelly:

“On hurricane day, Daddy said, “Let’s put on our overcoats, and ride the dying storm.” I was nervous, but I trusted him and put on my coat and my boots. We ran around the yard a few times, and circled the roof, just to be sure we knew how to fly. Then we lifted our coat tails and jumped on the hurricane, bound for all points on the compass.
Impaled on broken branches, in a tall oak tree, staining its bark with my blood, I can see my house from here.”

Second runner-up:

Exi!

“A haiku class? Sure!”

“My boyfriend will meet us there.”

Damn it all to hell.

You guys need to email me at terribleminds [at] gmail.com.

Congrats!

Chris Holm: The Terribleminds Interview

Today, we’re publishing three — count ’em, three! — interviews here at Jolly Olde Terribleminds. On first pass, I don’t like to crowd up with interviews, and I thought, mmm, maybe I’ll spread these out. But here’s the thing: these interviews talk to three writers who each share a kind of intellectual space. All three are cracking short story writers, all three come out of crime writing, all three have killer novels (two of them published, one on submission), and to boot, all three know each other. So, my thought is, let’s let these interviews feed into one another. Right? Right.

Now, time to talk to fellow Angry Robot author, Chris F. Holm, a talented motherfucker who’s proven that he’s a gifted short story writer — and who now gets to show off his novel, the soul-collector-gone-awry tale known as DEAD HARVEST. (Check out that killer cover, by the way.) That drops next week (2/28), so get ready to grab it. Meanwhile, check out what he has to say below. Track him down at his site — chrisfholm.com — or stalk him on the Twitters (@chrisfholm).

When you’re done here, check out the other two interviews:

Dan O’Shea

Hilary Davidson

This is a blog about writing and storytelling. So, tell us a story. As short or long as you care to make it. As true or false as you see it.

Okay, I’ve got one. It’s a story about the power of story, and it’s true and false in equal measure. If that don’t fit the question, I don’t know what will.

My Papa Burns was a consummate storyteller with a wicked sense of humor, and there was nothing he loved more than winding up his grandkids, much to my grandmother’s consternation. Their house was on Earl Avenue in Mattydale, New York, and one of Papa’s favorite topics for grandkid-winding was Earl. Earl — according to Papa, and all my aunts and uncles who gleefully corroborated his story — was a gaunt loner of a man who once lived in an apartment above my grandparents’ garage. Earl was apparently quite the amateur photographer, but a horrible accident with his developing chemicals left his face irreparably scarred. Papa always intimated Earl was guilty of perpetrating great and terrible crimes against the children of the neighborhood, though of course he never told us what, precisely, those crimes were. Or, for that matter, how being a gaunt, disfigured loner who does unspeakable things to children leads to having a street named after you. But plot holes matter not to children. Not when presented with so juicy a story as Earl’s.

For you see, as the story goes, no one knows what became of Earl. Some say he died. Some say he was run out of town by the parents of his young victims. But not Papa. Papa was convinced that Earl was still up there, living like an animal in the ruins of his old apartment.

Did it occur to us to ask why Papa, a cop with a loaded sidearm and a litter of grandchildren forever underfoot, would let some creepy feral child killer/molester/photographer/whatever live in the attic of his garage? No, it did not. But it did occur to us to try to find out for ourselves whether Earl was still up there.

There were no stairs up to the garage’s second floor. There was no ladder. Just an empty square of darkness, framed by rotten four-by-fours and cut into the ceiling. The plan was simple: Me and my cousin Joey were going to lace our fingers together and hoist up our cousin Steph — the oldest of us at maybe ten, and therefore the tallest — so she could stick her head through the trap door and take a peek. Steph’s younger sister Sarah was in charge of steadying her so Steph didn’t tip over. And we’d find out once and for all whether Earl was still up there.

We found out, all right. We found out good.

When Steph’s head cleared the trap-door’s frame, she let out a shriek the likes of which I’d never heard. The three of us at ground level panicked, and we dropped her. She didn’t give us so much as a moment to worry if she was okay before sprinting, ghost-white, out of the garage. Instinct kicked in, and we three followed. When we finally regrouped, Steph breathlessly related what she’d seen: the scarred, pitted, anger-twisted face of a madman, just inches from her own. As if he’d known we were coming. As if he’d been waiting for us.

Once our initial fright had passed, me and Joey mocked her something fierce. In the protective light of day, far removed from the gloom of the garage, we were sure she was full of shit. Sarah, the youngest of us, seemed less sure.

But you know what? We never ventured into that garage again. And looking back, even knowing Papa’s stories were so much bunk, I’m half-convinced she saw Earl all the same.

Why do you tell stories?

My answer’s simple: I tell stories because I can’t not. But that ain’t just some glib cliché, because believe me, I’ve tried. I’m from a practical, middle-class family one generation removed from the working class, so I was raised to believe you found a vocation you were good at and then did it: end of story. In grade school, it turned out I was good at science. Which led to advanced classes, which led to acceptance into college, which led to me majoring in biology. Next thing I knew, I was working toward a PhD in infectious disease research, and trying to ignore these insane ideas that kept waking me up at night, begging to be written down. And oh, yeah: I was miserable. So, with encouragement from my amazing wife (seriously, I’d still be on the wrong damn path without her), I dropped out. Started writing. And I can’t imagine ever doing anything else.

Infectious diseases — tell me that’s going to start popping up more and more in your work.

My fascination with infectious diseases has snuck into my fiction a time or two already. I wrote a horror short that appeared in BEAT TO A PULP: ROUND ONE, which explored the real and terrifying concept of a pathogen actually altering the behavior of its host in order to propagate itself. And a major plot point in DEAD HARVEST centers around the early inroads toward a cure for tuberculosis.

That said, I’m sure you’ll see it take on a starring book-length role sometime in the not-too-distant future. There’s a book in my head just dying to be written that tackles the idea of a global-killer pandemic in what I hope is an unexpected way. But the thing’s so damned ambitious, I’m not sure I’m writer enough to tackle it yet.

Give the audience one piece of writing or storytelling advice:

I have a tough time giving writing advice, ’cause really, who the hell am I? But one nuts-and-bolts pointer that served me well early on in my career (and continues to do so to this day) is this: enter a scene as late as possible, and leave early. Plenty of folks have already heard that one, I’m sure, but for those who haven’t, I’ll say this: read over your WIP. If there’s a scene you think just grinds the story to a halt, before you go chucking the whole damn thing, try deleting the first and last paragraphs of that scene. I’ll bet you it reads better.

What’s great about being a writer, and conversely, what sucks about it?

There’s a ton that’s great about being a writer. Engaging your every flight of fancy. Going down the rabbit-hole of your own half-crazed theories like some schizophrenic detective uncovering a truth no one else has ever seen. Justifying every bit of slackitude you’ve ever indulged in as “research.” Being told even once someone lost sleep because they had to finish what you wrote. Packing away some small kernel of your soul like a Horcrux, so that no matter how awful life gets it can’t taint you completely, because you just know you can make something beautiful out of it.

What sucks? The self-doubt. The days the words are slow in coming. (I don’t believe in writer’s block, but every job has its shit days.) The fact that, to a one, we’re addicted to the validation of utter strangers, and sometimes utter strangers can be douches.

You write from a place where genre has reduced meaning — in other words, you kind of smoosh together genres. What’s the value of genre to both writer and reader? Are there risks in painting outside the lines overmuch?

The value of genre, to reader and writer, is simple. People like organizing things. Labeling them. Arranging them according to predetermined criteria. It’s our way of making sense of a world that resists sense-making. And generally, it’s pretty handy. I’ve been a fan of science fiction, fantasy, mystery, and horror all my life, so I’m more likely to find a book that’s to my liking on shelves labeled “Science Fiction,” “Fantasy,” “Mystery,” or “Horror” than I am in, say, “Biography” or “Inspirational.” It’s just a numbers game.

The problem is, arranging things according to predetermined criteria has a tendency of getting away from us. Of propagating prejudice. And that’s a damn shame. Because there are no doubt titles in “Biography” or “Inspirational” I’d really dig, but that I’ll likely never be exposed to. And I know for damn sure the labels I’ve listed thus far poorly represent my favorite sorts of books, which tend to be “Stories That Are More Than One Kind Of Thing.” I’d shop the hell out of that section, and chances are, most of what I write would be stocked there, too.

That’s the answer to the first half of your question. The answer to the second half is, hell yes there are risks to painting outside genre lines. Every genre’s got its adherents and its detractors, and every genre’s got its giant-air-quotes-implied rules. Which means if you’re writing in two genres at once, you’re twice as likely to turn off a given member of your audience, or twice as likely to fuck up in their eyes. The kneejerk reaction of most crossgenre writers is to say, To hell with them, then. If they don’t get what I’m doing, who needs ’em? And that kneejerk reaction ain’t wrong. But I’ll tell you this: when sending out queries or shopping a novel, your audience is nothing but agents and editors, some of whom are gonna be turned off by work that’s tough to classify. That can sting. But fear not; there are plenty of crossgenre fans out there, and all it takes is winding up in front of the right one of ’em to set you on your path.

Gotta talk about 8 Pounds, an alarmingly good collection of horror and crime stories you self-published: how are those stories ones that only Chris Holm could’ve written?

That’s an excellent question, particularly since one thing I strive to do whenever I sit down to write something new is to tell a story only I could tell. But if I’m being completely honest, I’m not sure every story in 8 POUNDS clears that bar. “A Simple Kindness” is my take on the classic pulp tale of a patsy being played by a femme fatale. “The Well” is a twisted little bit of flash that’s the horror equivalent of a joke, all setup and punchline. I like both stories very much, and stand behind them to this day, but the fact is, I’m not sure someone else couldn’t have cooked them up.

The other stories in that collection, though, come from perhaps a more personal place. “The World Behind” reflects my impressions of Virginia, formed in the two years my wife and I lived there after college. “The Big Score” is my love-letter to Maine, inspired by the ten years I spent at a job with offices that overlooked a working fish pier. “Seven Days of Rain” filters my apparent obsession with lifelong regret (of which I was unaware until I noticed how often it popped up in my work) through my twin loves of Poe and McDowell. “A Better Life” I wrote in response to the mice in the walls of my new home. “Eight Pounds” was borne of a funny bit of dialogue that lodged itself in my head and wouldn’t let go. And “The Toll Collectors” was my first attempt to tell a story that straddled the line of crime and the fantastic.

Whether that means only I could have written them, I couldn’t say. But I do think each represent a snapshot of who I was while I was writing them, and each of them represent a point on my evolution as a writer.

What did 8 Pounds teach you about self-publishing (if anything)?

8 POUNDS taught me that self publishing is damn easy to do, and damn hard to do right. The temptation as a writer to just click a button and upload your unfettered genius for all the world to see is mighty indeed, but holy hell is there a lot of work involved in making it look and read as clean as a traditionally published book. I was lucky enough to have been through a round of professional edits for each of the stories I included, since they’d all initially been published elsewhere, and proofreading alone, I must’ve gone through five rounds of edits. Add to that the formatting quirks of the assorted sundry ebook formats, and any detail-oriented person could drive themselves insane trying to get everything exactly right.

Now, I’m not saying I wouldn’t do it again, or that I wouldn’t recommend that path to others; given the proper circumstances, I’d do both. What I am saying is, anyone who thinks of it as a shortcut is kidding themselves. Successful self-published ebooks have a lot in common with successful traditionally published books: most notably, a buttload of hard work. The only difference is, with self-published books, all that work falls to the author.

Get cocky. Drop your penmonkey testes on the table and demand that all behold them: what makes DEAD HARVEST a mighty motherfucking ass-kicker of a book that everybody should buy in quantities of 12 or more?

Look, I can wave my hands all I want about how I think DEAD HARVEST is, at its core, a deeply romantic novel about a guy condemned to hell for saving the life of the woman he loved, and the thankless task he’s forced to do by way of punishment, but let’s face it: that’s just the spoonful of emotional resonance that makes the asskickery go down. What it all boils down to is an undead, body-swapping protagonist sacking up and going toe to toe (to toe to toe to toe) with a cadre of pissed-off angels, more demons than you could shake a rosary at, the entire NYPD, and a psychotic rival soul collector who thinks he’s a god, all to protect a young girl who may or may not be a mass murderer. And oh, yeah, if he fails, he’ll be responsible for jump-starting the Apocalypse. If that ain’t a heaping helping of badass, I don’t know what is.

Favorite word? And then, the follow up: Favorite curse word?

Picking a favorite word is tough. I’m kinda partial to defenestrate. Or mellifluous. Or schadenfreude. Or moiety. Or petrichor. Or interrobang. Or phenomenology. Or kummerspeck, which isn’t English (yet), but German, and means “weight gain due to emotional overeating” or, more literally translated, “grief bacon.”

Picking a favorite curse word is easier. It’s “fuck” in a walk. Sure, there’re sexier curse words out there, or ones with greater shock value, but “fuck” is just so fucking versatile, it’s like the Leatherman of curses. You should carry it with you always, ’cause sooner or later, you’re gonna need it.

Favorite alcoholic beverage? (If cocktail: provide recipe. If you don’t drink alcohol, fine, fine, a non-alcoholic beverage will do.)

If I had to pick a single drink on which to live out the rest of my liver-abusing days, I suppose I’d choose a big, ass-kicking Paso Robles Zin. But it’d be tough walking away from whiskey. What I love about both wine and whiskey (be it Scotch, Bourbon, rye, or anything in between, the smaller the batch the better) is they tell a story. You can taste the ground from whence they came, the air they breathed, the baking sun or rolling fog under which they grew. As with storytellers, the worst of them never get past that — they’re no better than the sum of their parts. But the best of them transform all those influences into something transcendent. That, to me, is magic. (Oh, and another thing they have in common with storytellers: the best of them wouldn’t be the best of them without the help of a judicious editor, usually the guy with his name on the bottle.)

Recommend a book, comic book, film, or game: something with great story. Go!

Just one? I guess I’d have to go with LAST CALL, by Tim Powers. It’s a thrilling, sprawling, insanely ambitious novel that blends elements of pulp, fantasy, and history into one of the strangest and most wondrous books you’ll ever have the privilege of reading. I’m not going to do the book the disservice of attempting to summarize it here, but it involves Bugsy Siegel, the Fisher King, the intersection of luck and fate, and a game of poker played with a Tarot deck, where what’s at stake are the players’ souls.

What skills do you bring to help the humans win the inevitable zombie war?

Well, I grew up in the country, so I can shoot. In my Day Job alter-ego, I’m a scientist, so I could probably MacGyver up a quality booby trap or chemical weapon in a pinch. And there’s always the off-chance the zombies’ weakness will prove to be obscure television references and super-cool dance moves, in which case… yeah, okay, I’m still only one of two.

You’ve committed crimes against humanity. They caught you. You get one last meal.

Wow. That’s a tough one for a foodie, ’cause I like the whole damn spectrum, from chili dogs to truffles and foie gras (and hell, I’d consider both at once). But if we’re talking last meals, I’ve gotta go a heaping platter of barbecue. I’m talking pulled pork with North Carolina-style vinegar-based sauce. Ribs, both pork and beef. Hot smoked sausage with low-country mustard sauce. And don’t forget the cornbread, slaw, and collard greens. If I’m going out, I’m going out full.

What’s next for you as a storyteller? What does the future hold?

One of the things I love about this gig is, I have no idea what the future holds. Might be I get to write another five books in the Collector series, and that’d be just fine by me. Might be I move on to something else. Right now, I’m working on a straight-ahead thriller, mostly just to see if I can color within a single genre’s lines just once. Truth is, there ain’t years enough in this life of mine to tell all the stories I want to tell. That thought should bum me out, but really, it just makes me smile. It’s somehow reassuring to know they’re out there, even if I never get to ’em.

Hilary Davidson: The Terribleminds Interview

Today, we’re publishing three — count ’em, three! — interviews here at Jolly Olde Terribleminds. On first pass, I don’t like to crowd up with interviews, and I thought, mmm, maybe I’ll spread these out. But here’s the thing: these interviews talk to three writers who each share a kind of intellectual space. All three are cracking short story writers, all three come out of crime writing, all three have killer novels (two of them published, one on submission), and to boot, all three know each other. So, my thought is, let’s let these interviews feed into one another. Right? Right.

Now it’s time to check out one wicked weaver of tales — Hilary Davidson, whose novel THE DAMAGE DONE was one of my hands-down favorites of 2010. She’s an incredible writer and knows how to really ratchet up the mystery and suspense like few others do. The next in the series — appropriately, THE NEXT ONE TO FALL — is out now, so go find it. Check out her website (hilarydavidson.com) and go follow her on Twitter (@hilarydavidson).

When you’re done here, check out the other two interviews:

Chris Holm

Dan O’Shea

This is a blog about writing and storytelling. So, tell us a story. As short or long as you care to make it. As true or false as you see it.

The guard who led me into the detention area was in a jovial mood. “So, did you enjoy your trip to Spain?” he asked.

I nodded, but my mouth was too dry to let out anything but a hesitant, “Sure.”

“That’s good.” He unlocked a door and walked me into a room that, in all the times I’d flown through New York’s John F. Kennedy Airport, I’d never seen before. It had a low ceiling and felt dirty, but the overhead lights were too dim for me to be certain of what was shadow and what was grime. There were rows of gray plastic chairs in the center and three uniformed officers seated behind desks on one side. The bodies in the chairs looked as if they were acting out the five stages of grief. Some had their heads swiveling around, clearly in denial about where they were. An angry man in front of me had his fists balled up and banging against his thighs. “This is a mistake,” a woman said to a guard, clearly bargaining. The most common posture, though, was one denoting depression: people slouched in chairs, some bent over with their heads in their hands. The only example of acceptance was a sleeping baby whose mother was still in denial.

“Sit here,” the guard said to me, indicating a space between two men.

“But I…” I don’t belong here, I wanted to scream. Detention was a place for drug mules and criminals and suspected terrorists. Whatever I’d done, I didn’t belong here.

“Sit down. Right there.” His jovial tone was gone. “Don’t get up until you’re called.”

I took the seat.

“Don’t worry,” whispered the man to my left. I glanced at him. He was South Asian and in the low light, his eyeballs looked yellowed like old paper. His hands were folded together in a gesture that seemed almost prayerful.

“There is nothing to worry about, you see. I am not worried,” the man went on, his voice soft. “They do not wish to let me into their country because they think I have leprosy. But, you see, I have been cured.”

Why do you tell stories?

All my life, I’ve had a game of “What If?” going on in my head. I’m curious about people and about where they’ve been. When I can’t find out the truth, my brain will fill in the blanks with stories. Then I’ve got these characters spiraling around my head, and they start to take on a life of their own. When I was a kid, I think this was called daydreaming, but now it’s my job.

Give the audience one piece of writing or storytelling advice.

Overdescribing things — people, places, physical action, emotions — just slows your story down. You need to describe those things well enough so that readers can picture what you’re talking about in their own minds, but you don’t need to spell out every detail for them. In fact, it’s often better to leave certain details unsaid and let the reader fill them in for themselves. Telling me that a man is five-foot-ten and has black hair and olive skin and green eyes is just a collection of details; you could go on and on, describing what he’s wearing and I’m not going to know anything about him, really. Choose the details you share carefully. Telling me that a character’s eyes are flicking over the room, avoiding the person who’s talking to him, tells me something about that character.

The Damage Done, which is a great novel, has this creepily elegant Hitchcockian vibe to it — how does The Next One To Fall compare in terms of tone, character, and subject matter?

Thanks for the kind words about The Damage Done! Even though their settings are very different, the books have a lot in common. Both are, at heart, about searches for missing women. In The Damage Done, Lily Moore is hunting for her sister, Claudia, so she’s personally invested in the outcome. In The Next One to Fall, the woman who dies at the beginning of the book is a stranger to Lily, but there are things about her that remind Lily of Claudia. When Lily finds out that the dead woman is actually just the latest in a string of dead and missing women who were involved with a wealthy man named Len Wolven, part of her desire to get justice for them is tied to the fact that she feels her sister never got the justice she deserved.

The cast of characters is different in The Next One to Fall — the book is set in Peru, and it brings back Lily and her best friend, Jesse, but not the others (well, there might be a little but of Bruxton… but just a little). But the characters are every bit as multifaceted and murky as the ones in The Damage Done.

You’ll definitely feel the Hitchcockian vibe in the new book, possibly even more strongly than in the first one. I wanted to acknowledge, on the page, one of my biggest influences, so there’s a scene in The Next One to Fall that I hope pays homage to Mr. Hitchcock. I can’t tell you what it is without being all spoilery, but you will know it when you see it.

What’s the trick to writing a good follow-up — whether a sequel or “next book in a series?”

Each book needs to stand on its own, even if it is a sequel. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking, “Well, I already explained X is the first book, so I don’t need to do it again.” Wrong. Not only do you need to explain X, you need to do it in such a way that you’re not boring the hell out of people who read the previous book. Also, your main characters have the same emotional pressure points they had in the first book, but you need to explore them in different ways. In The Next One to Fall, it was an obvious thing to make Lily sympathetic to the victims, to link them to her sister. But Lily also comes across the sister of one of the victims, who is hunting for her missing sister in Peru. Instead of becoming allies, Lily can’t stand this woman; part of the reason is that this woman acts in a reckless way that is not at all dissimilar from Lily acts in The Damage Done. Lily sees part of herself in the woman, and she doesn’t like it one bit. It’s not a role-reversal, but it explores Lily’s character in a different way.

If there’s a trick, it’s not spoiling the plot of the earlier book. People who pick up The Next One to Fall are going to know one very important thing about how The Damage Done ends, but there’s no information about who is guilty of what. If anything, there’s a tease. At one point in the new book, Lily says, “Two of the guilty were dead. One was in a mental institution. Others who should have been behind bars were walking around free.” But she doesn’t tell you anything else. I didn’t want to spoil the story for anyone who discovers the second book first and then goes back to read the first.

How are your two Lily Moore novels stories only Hilary Davidson could’ve written?

Even though Lily is very much her own person, we have a lot in common. Things, places, and issues that fascinate me also fascinate her, though she sometimes ends up owning them and forcing me to do more work (her knowledge of old movies has forced me to watch a lot of them). My family jokes that Lily is my friend from another universe. We can’t interact directly, but I know her so well. In that universe, Lily may well start writing fiction about a character she will call “Hilary Davidson.” I wouldn’t put it past her.

You broke into writing with a series of impactful noir short stories. What’s the art of writing a killer short story?

You’ve got to be completely ruthless with a short story. The room you get in a novel to build and explore and wander doesn’t exist in a short story. Plenty of people will give a novel a chance even if it doesn’t grab them at first. But a short story? Forget it. It’s the difference between karate and krav maga. With karate, you have an extended match with the elegance of ballet and some exhilarating moments. In krav maga, your fight will last eight seconds and someone will probably lose an eye.

Just what the fuck is “noir,” anyway?

“What is noir?” is a question over which writers get into fistfights at conferences. Well, that’s not quite true — it’s more like they’ll yell at each other online about it a lot.

My take: noir is black. It’s the heart of darkness. It’s a world without redemption.

Noir is where dreams go to die terrible deaths.

Friedrich Nietzsche wrote, “When you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.” Noir is what you are left with when you can no longer turn your gaze away from that abyss.

What’s great about being a writer, and conversely, what sucks about it?

I love writing, even when it’s hard. I love editing my own work, and watching a story take shape. Meeting other writers is a huge plus, as is meeting readers. I love going to conferences like Bouchercon and Thrillerfest and Bloody Words. Writing nonfiction has let me travel the world, which is something I’m incredibly grateful for.

The downside: It’s a tough business to break into, and even after you break in, you have to watch some very talented people hit their heads against walls endlessly, trying to break in, too. People in publishing can be very negative. You’re forced to read endless articles about “The End of Books.”

Favorite word? And then, the follow up: Favorite curse word?

I have trouble picking a favorite anything, but the word hellion immediately came to mind. Since I’m obviously in a hellish frame of mind, I’m going with hell for favorite curse word. I love that you can talk about hell and it’s not a curse word, but the minute you say, “Holy hell!” it becomes one.

Favorite alcoholic beverage? (If cocktail: provide recipe. If you don’t drink alcohol, fine, fine, a non-alcoholic beverage will do.)

I love sparkling wine: champagne, cava and prosecco are all divine.

Recommend a book, comic book, film, or game: something with great story. Go!

LORD OF THE FLIES by William Golding is a book that made a huge impression on me. I read it for the first time when I was 12. It’s about a group of schoolboys who are evacuated from England during a war, and they end up stranded on an uninhabited island with no adults. The oldest children in the story are 12. The story is so powerful because you’re reading about this microcosm of humanity that goes off the rails, and starts to destroy itself. The fact that Golding is writing about children rather than adults only makes it a better story — it highlights the darker impulses of humanity.

What skills do you bring to help the humans win the inevitable zombie war?

I have combat skills. My parents started me in karate lessons when I was eight, and I fell in love with martial arts. I’ve also studied krav maga, the martial art of the Israeli army, which is brutal.

You’ve committed crimes against humanity. They caught you. You get one last meal.

Ah, hell. I’d want dinner from Bistango, my favorite restaurant in New York. I have celiac disease, and they make perfect gluten-free meals: warm bread with garlic-infused oil, roasted Portobello mushroom in balsamic reduction, chicken fusilli with sun-dried tomatoes, red velvet cake with the world’s creamiest frosting. Plenty of champagne. Note to Bistango: please make sure there’s a file in the cake.

What’s next for you as a storyteller? What does the future hold?

My second novel, THE NEXT ONE TO FALL, came out on Valentine’s Day; it’s a thriller set in Peru. It’s also a sequel to THE DAMAGE DONE, though you don’t need to read the first book to follow it. I just sent the third book in the series to my publisher, Forge; it will come out in the spring of 2013. My next big project is a standalone novel, also for Forge, which will be published in 2014. I also write short fiction. I just sold a novella about a twisted love triangle in Paris to Ellery Queen, and I’ve got a story coming out in the second Beat to a Pulp anthology.