{"id":9079,"date":"2011-05-30T00:01:30","date_gmt":"2011-05-30T04:01:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/?p=9079"},"modified":"2011-05-28T13:12:53","modified_gmt":"2011-05-28T17:12:53","slug":"transmissions-from-baby-town-send-sleep-vodka-and-bacon","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/2011\/05\/30\/transmissions-from-baby-town-send-sleep-vodka-and-bacon\/","title":{"rendered":"Transmissions From Baby-Town: “Send Sleep, Vodka, And Bacon”"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

*PSSSHHcracklehisss*<\/p>\n

“– you hear me? The stuff’s everywhere — black tar — came pouring out of diapers — could lay shingles with this stuff OH GOD HERE COMES MORE OF IT –“<\/p>\n

*kkkkpsshhhhfsssss*<\/p>\n

“– haven’t slept in days — seeing things — cherubs with wings, but not like out of a greeting card but like out of the damn Bible — so many eyes — fiery swords — chubby cheeks –“<\/p>\n

*weeooooFSSHHHHcrackle*<\/p>\n

“– think they’re cute but they’re deadly –“<\/p>\n

“– energy levels low, rations dwindling –“<\/p>\n

“– everywhere you go it’s always there watching waiting peeing<\/em> –“<\/p>\n

“– alert, alert, this thing’s got witch nails, it killed Samson, merciful Jesus<\/em> it killed Samson! –“<\/p>\n

“– we thought we controlled it, but no, no<\/em>, it controls us! –“<\/p>\n

” — such hubris, we thought we understood the parameters –“<\/p>\n

*KKKKFSSSHHHHHBSSHHHH*<\/p>\n

“– OH SWEET SID AND MARTY KROFFT IT’S CRYING AGAIN WHICH MEANS ITS HUNGRY — “<\/p>\n

” — send sleep — vodka — baaaacon<\/em> –“<\/p>\n

CARRIER LOST<\/p>\n

The Littlest Penmonkey Beseeches You<\/h3>\n

The baby is well.<\/p>\n

He’s covered in the acne of an 8th grade math nerd.<\/p>\n

He’s still trying to tear off his own face with his komodo claws.<\/p>\n

He still looks like we enrolled him in Baby Fight Club.<\/p>\n

He sometimes smiles. He likes dancing to the Beastie Boys. His poop has transitioned from the foul black hell-slurry to something that looked like swamp mud to something that looks like deli mustard.<\/p>\n

He’s good. And we’re pretty good, too. I mean, no, we don’t sleep for shit. And we’ve learned that the most elemental functions of human life are precious — eating, showering, your own bathroom needs, they’re all second to the baby. He’s like a power-mad deity, this kid. He’s suddenly been dropped into the universe and placed not at its periphery but at its golden nougaty center<\/em>.<\/p>\n

The biggest issue I’m wrestling with is finding time to write and blog. It comes in fits and starts.<\/p>\n

Anyway, the thing is, being “new parents,” we are of course on the receiving end of buckets of unsolicited advice, so I figured, why not just lie back and think of England? Why not go with it<\/em>?<\/p>\n

Thus, here I am, flipping the switch from unsolicited<\/em> to solicited<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Hit me with your best shot. (No, not shit: the baby’s already doing that, thanks.) Best advice for parents with a newborn — double points if it’s advice that goes toward helping this penmonkey still monkey with his pens. I know you parents have collected wisdom stored up in your brains and it yearns to have the cherry popped. Pop it. Break the seal. Rupture the fontanelle<\/em>. Let it all spill out.<\/p>\n

And thank you in advance for doing so.<\/p>\n

Oh! And happy Memorial Day.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hit me with your best shot. (No, not shit: the baby’s already doing that, thanks.) Best advice for parents with a newborn — double points if it’s advice that goes toward helping this penmonkey still monkey with his pens. I know you parents have collected wisdom stored up in your brains and it yearns to have the cherry popped.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[10,11],"class_list":{"0":"post-9079","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"hentry","6":"category-theramble","7":"tag-advice","8":"tag-chuckwendig","10":"no-featured-image"},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pv7MR-2mr","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9079","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9079"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9079\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9085,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9079\/revisions\/9085"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9079"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9079"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9079"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}