{"id":7786,"date":"2011-02-14T07:54:40","date_gmt":"2011-02-14T12:54:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/?p=7786"},"modified":"2011-02-14T08:15:11","modified_gmt":"2011-02-14T13:15:11","slug":"i-am-the-luckiest-bag-of-dirt-in-the-world-because-my-wife-rocks","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/2011\/02\/14\/i-am-the-luckiest-bag-of-dirt-in-the-world-because-my-wife-rocks\/","title":{"rendered":"I Am The Luckiest Bag Of Dirt In The World, Because My Wife Rocks"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Tunnel<\/a><\/p>\n

It’s Valentine’s Day.<\/p>\n

It is, depending on your perspective, some combination of day where you go above and beyond the call of duty to celebrate your love, or a day where you get on the Internet and bitch about how Valentine’s Day is a crass holiday created by the greeting card companies and how you should be nice to your loved ones every day<\/em> so blah blah blah now you’re the Grinch That Had Venereal Disease And Stole Valentine’s Day. Because, c’mon, Santa was invented by Coca-Cola. The Easter Bunny was invented by, I dunno, Cadbury. Jesus was invented by Toyota. It’s all just marketing and advertising.<\/p>\n

Listen, I get it, you think Valentine’s Day is a stinky pink blossom of consumerist hate juice. I don’t really care. Just shush about it and keep your head down while the rest of us love our respective others, yeah?<\/p>\n

With that in mind, let me just announce it:<\/p>\n

I love my wife.<\/p>\n

I love my wife unmercifully, beyond the periphery of reason and sanity.<\/p>\n

I met her online. Match-dot-com, actually. When I “online-dated,” I met a small percentage of very cool and lovely ladies, and I also met a small battalion of total farking moonbats. I went on dates that concluded with me going home, locking all the doors, and corking the silverware. When I met my wife, however, we went out to a Chinese restaurant. And we stayed there for four hours. We closed the joint out. They were throwing fortune cookies at our heads to get us to leave.<\/p>\n

It was then and there that I knew I would marry my wife.<\/p>\n

Why do I love my wife so completely, so deeply, so dearly?<\/p>\n

First: she’s hot.<\/p>\n

\"Drunken<\/a><\/p>\n

See? Hot.<\/p>\n

Second: she is not an alcoholic, despite the inordinate number of photos I take of her where she is imbibing said alcohol. Which, for the record, seems to be most of the photos I take of her.<\/p>\n

\"Mmm.<\/a><\/p>\n

That’s really just the tip of the iceberg. In my photos, she drinks a lot. In real life, not so much. Still, right now she deserves major kudos because, as a pregnant human being, she cannot consume her most favoritest drink in the world, the Dirty Vodka Martini. Me, I just tell her to drink it. Frankly, the baby’s going to need <\/em>booze to put up with us as parents. Even still, she perseveres.<\/p>\n

My wife also puts up with my shit. Which is a really big deal, because I am a man who gives a lot of shit with up which that one would need to put. Or something. See? I can’t even write a reasonable sentence. The fact that she has not yet snapped and taken a rifle up to a clocktower is a really good sign. A number of my ex-ladyfriends are now locked away in those white metal-free rooms like where they imprisoned Magneto. If you want to see my wife in the middle of putting up with my shit<\/em>, here is an image. You can see it on her face how she is very kindly tolerating my nonsense:<\/p>\n

\"Dubious<\/a><\/p>\n

That is her “Tolerate Husband” face. I know it well. Here is another:<\/p>\n

\"The<\/a><\/p>\n

One day, she’ll probably stab me in the temple with a chopstick. And I’ll totally let it happen. I won’t even be mad. She’ll be like, “Do you remember how you were acting?” And I’ll be like, “Okay, yeah. Yeah<\/em>. Yes.”<\/p>\n

My wife is funny. And, mysteriously, she thinks I’m<\/em> funny. She also has the foulest mouth of any woman I know, which for me is a total win. The fact that she can occasionally out-profane my infernal tongue does not merely earn a check-mark in the box but rather a check-plus-plus<\/em>. Seriously. You cut her off in traffic, she will tell you to eat a dick and die. She will curse you in ways that will wilt your heart like warm spinach.<\/p>\n

She’s kind-hearted. She’s tolerant. She believes in me.<\/p>\n

But even her negative traits are ones to love:<\/p>\n

Her impatience matches my own, as does her raging river of snark.<\/p>\n

Plus, if cajoled, she will kiss a tiki, which is not a metaphor for anything sexual but rather a literal truth:<\/p>\n

\"Tiki<\/a><\/p>\n

Tiki Loving 101, kids.<\/p>\n

She’s got beautiful eyes and long gorgeous hair and legs that won’t quit. Seriously, her legs — her getaway sticks, her lady-longs, her gams<\/em> — are long. We’re the same height but I go to drive her car and I have to spend two minutes and 37 seconds readjusting the seat to compensate for her long legs and my stumpy little clod-hoppers. By the way, I totally just made up “lady-longs,” but you can have it for a dollar.<\/p>\n

She is one half of the Husband And Wife Video-Game Super-Team<\/strong><\/span><\/a>.<\/p>\n

She is beautiful even when she’s picking something out of her eye:<\/p>\n

\"The<\/a><\/p>\n

She lets me thrust her into dubious Photoshop situations:<\/p>\n

\"Splatter<\/a><\/p>\n

And she is beloved by all the creatures of the earth, as evidenced by unrequited looks of love and lust born by this… I dunno, amphibious Deep One frog dude.<\/p>\n

\"Unrequited<\/a><\/p>\n

Let’s be very clear, here. The fact that this person —<\/p>\n

\"Annual<\/a><\/p>\n

Married me —<\/p>\n

\"Gone<\/a><\/p>\n

Is an indicator that she is both charitable and loving.<\/p>\n

She is going to be a wonderful mother, but really, who cares? What I care about is that she’s a beautiful, awesome, kick-ass wife<\/em>. The kid’s just going to have to take the back-seat on this one. Sorry, Upcoming Wee One. This hot chick is all mine<\/em>.<\/p>\n

I love you, wife of my life.<\/p>\n

You make my world awesome.<\/p>\n

It would turn gray and then black and then die without your presence.<\/p>\n

Happy Valentine’s Day.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I love my wife unmercifully, beyond the periphery of reason and sanity. When I met my wife, we went out to a Chinese restaurant. And we stayed there for four hours. We closed the joint out. They were throwing fortune cookies at our heads to get us to leave…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[11,22],"class_list":{"0":"post-7786","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"hentry","6":"category-theramble","7":"tag-chuckwendig","8":"tag-remember","10":"no-featured-image"},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pv7MR-21A","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7786","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7786"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7786\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7793,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7786\/revisions\/7793"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7786"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7786"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7786"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}