{"id":7681,"date":"2011-02-06T09:10:51","date_gmt":"2011-02-06T14:10:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/?p=7681"},"modified":"2011-02-06T09:10:51","modified_gmt":"2011-02-06T14:10:51","slug":"on-this-day-of-the-foot-and-the-ball-we-will-instead-speak-of-puppies","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/2011\/02\/06\/on-this-day-of-the-foot-and-the-ball-we-will-instead-speak-of-puppies\/","title":{"rendered":"On This Day Of The Foot And The Ball, We Will Instead Speak Of Puppies"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Baby<\/a><\/p>\n

Yep. I’m one of those guys who watches the Puppy Bowl, not the Super Bowl.<\/p>\n

That may put my masculinity in question, I dunno. Here, let me fix that: I also like Sarah McLachlan and one of my favorite TV shows of all time is Gilmore Girls<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Wait, that probably didn’t fix anything. Shit.<\/p>\n

Uhhh.<\/p>\n

I like guns?<\/p>\n

My favorite movie is Die Hard<\/strong>?<\/p>\n

I have a mighty beard that destroys my enemies in its tangle of choking vines?<\/p>\n

I dunno. It may be too late for me.<\/p>\n

Well, whatever. The Super Bowl hasn’t really ever been a thing in any incarnation of Der Wendighaus. We were a baseball<\/em> family, which is not to say we were a family made of anthropomorphic baseballs but rather, we watched a lot of baseball<\/em>. I still dig the World Series. And I also love the Oscars. The Oscars are my own Nerd Super Bowl.<\/p>\n

I’ve tried watching the Super Bowl. Ehhh? Muh? I just don’t get it. I get bored. Is that weird? I watch it, I get bored. It seems like the game is mostly about not <\/em>playing the game. Dang, a football game is 60 minutes, split into four 15-minute quarters, right? So, why then does the game start<\/em> at 6PM and end<\/em> at 10:30PM (provided it doesn’t run over)? It takes four-and-a-half hours to play an hour-long game? The rest of it is commercials and time-outs and replays and analysis and more commercials and then there’s a flurry of activity for 30 seconds where someone kicks over the bee-hive and then it’s back to commercials and time-outs and guys punching each other in the balls or whatever. Plus, that doesn’t even account for the two hour “pre-game.” Which is not, as the term suggests, the game before the game.<\/p>\n

The Wall Street Journal estimates that in every football game, the ball is actually only in play for 11 minutes<\/strong><\/span><\/a>. Counter that with hockey, where it’s action action action <\/em>at every turn.<\/p>\n

When I watch the Super Bowl, I mostly want to take a nap. I’d rather watch a game of Monopoly<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Played by old people and children.<\/p>\n

But again, everybody’s got their thing. Hell, I like the Oscars. The last Oscar telecast was, I think, 17 hours long. And they estimated that at least 21%<\/em> of the audience committed suicide during the show. I mean, goddamn, getting through the Oscars is like watching snot dry on a little kid’s face. And the World Series next year is supposed to be “Best Out Of 31.” God forbid they play one <\/em>game to settle anything.<\/p>\n

Really, what I’m saying is, fuck yeah, puppies.<\/p>\n

Man, if I’m having a bad day, the only thing I need to do is look at puppies. Puppies are a panacea. If I ever get cancer — and, given my family history, that day is coming — I plan on engaging in my own personal form of puppy therapy<\/em>, which is to say I will be watching an endless loop of puppy videos. Hell, I might even buy a bunch of puppies and live with them as their pack mentor. I wonder: if you rub puppies on cancer tumors, do the cancer tumors go “Awwww!” and then slowly deflate?<\/p>\n

Science is slow to pick up on the “puppy panacea” theory, which is why I say, screw you, science. America doesn’t need you. We only need puppies, baseball, and Jesus. And Democracy. But mostly Jesus.<\/p>\n

Man, I’m rambling this morning.<\/p>\n

Really, what I’m saying is, fuck yeah, puppies<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Take a moment out of your day, if you care, and deposit into the comments below something — anything, really — about puppies. What’s the cutest puppy? Got a puppy picture with a high-larious caption? Puppy video? Anything at all. Let’s engage in a little puppy therapy.<\/p>\n

Here, let me get the ball rolling.<\/p>\n

First: courtesy of Stacia Decker and Matthew Funk, the cutest designer puppy ever: the Pomeranian Husky mix, also known as the “Pomsky.”<\/strong><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

Second: Lab puppies in slow motion<\/strong><\/span><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Third: Iso, the dachshund puppy, playing in the snow<\/strong><\/span><\/a> (also in slow motion).<\/p>\n

Fourth: “Puppy Can’t Get Up<\/strong><\/span><\/a>.”<\/p>\n

Fifth and finally: Puppy Wakes Up<\/strong><\/span><\/a>.<\/p>\n

There. A little puppy therapy.<\/p>\n

Now, your turn. Then go shoot some guns and grow beards and watch Gilmore Girls<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

I mean, uhhh, enjoy the Super Bowl.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Yep. I’m one of those guys who watches the Puppy Bowl, not the Super Bowl. That may put my masculinity in question, I dunno. Here, let me fix that: I also like Sarah McLachlan and one of my favorite TV shows of all time is Gilmore Girls. Wait, that probably didn’t fix anything.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[34,8],"class_list":{"0":"post-7681","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"hentry","6":"category-theramble","7":"tag-funny","8":"tag-rantsandramblings","10":"no-featured-image"},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pv7MR-1ZT","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7681","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7681"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7681\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7686,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7681\/revisions\/7686"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7681"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7681"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7681"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}