{"id":62564,"date":"2025-11-17T16:01:42","date_gmt":"2025-11-17T21:01:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/?p=62564"},"modified":"2025-11-17T16:18:13","modified_gmt":"2025-11-17T21:18:13","slug":"apple-review-35-this-sugarbee-fuckface","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/2025\/11\/17\/apple-review-35-this-sugarbee-fuckface\/","title":{"rendered":"Apple Review #35: This Fuckface, AKA, The SugarBee"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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I’m kind of spoiling<\/em> my review a little here in the post title sooooo I guess let’s just get into it, shall we?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My review of this fucking SugarBee “apple,” bought at I dunno some grocery store, maybe Sprouts, I forget, early-November: <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This apple was a real piece of shit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’m sorry! I’m sorry. I’m sorry<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Okay, look<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don’t know if this is literally, legitimately the worst<\/em> apple I’ve eaten all year. Okay? I don’t know that. This shit isn’t science. I give it a fancy number score as if to make you believe this is math<\/em> somehow, but it’s not math, it’s just me taking a dart made of my emotions and throwing it at a map of the internet. Giving it a number makes it feel like an official, objective accounting but in reality, but mostly that number is just a gut check feeling and reflects whether I’m happy or sad or meh or, in this case, angry inside my mouth<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, I know some of you genuinely like this apple.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That’s okay! You should<\/em> be allowed to like things, even if you liking those things makes me think somehow your tongue is broken, or that perhaps your brain has been chewed upon and through by some kind of weevil. It’s fine! You’re fine! We’re fine. More SugarBee apples for you, friend! Less for me because I don’t want to eat poison!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because that’s what it kind of tasted like.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It tasted like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You took a rose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You sprayed that rose with wasp spray.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You muddled that rose in a mixing glass with a couple cubes of brown sugar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You poured cider over it, strained it, and made me drink it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then the aftertaste was like if you dipped a cantaloupe* in MSG — I was suddenly assaulted by this weird savory umami goblin that lingered and lingered, clinging to my tastebuds and I have no idea why.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was juicy! It was sweet! Not tart at all, not even in the slightest! What a nice crunch! Wow is that the piquant effervescence of RoundUp mixed with grandmother’s perfume? Oh my!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seriously, I don’t know what happened here, but it fought my tongue like an angry swordfish on the line. One assumes this horrible fuckface of an apple is not emblematic of all SugarBee apples — I’ve had one of these before and recall not particularly liking it, thinking it was a dullard’s apple for children and only children, but I don’t recall the “pesticide and weird melon” taste. I’m almost tempted to buy another one<\/em> from a different store just to see, but I may not hate myself that bad. I even peeled this one to see, and it did not fix the problem, not at all. It insisted, then persisted. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyway. This was bad and weird and the taste stayed on my tongue like the smell of a dead rat in the walls. It was fucking horrible fuck this fucking apple.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’m going 1.1 out of 10, which is honestly gracious, but I am trying to give it some small credit<\/em> for the juicy crunch it gave.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s me eating it<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SugarBee: Like a rose dipped in wasp spray and sugar<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Reviews<\/strong>\u00a0in 2025<\/strong>:\u00a0Honeycrisp<\/a>,\u00a0Sweetie<\/a>,\u00a0Crimson Crisp<\/a>,\u00a0Knobbed Russet<\/a>,\u00a0Cortland<\/a>,\u00a0Maiden\u2019s Blush<\/a>,\u00a0Cox\u2019s Orange Pippin<\/a>,\u00a0Reine des Reinettes<\/a>,\u00a0Ingrid Marie<\/a>,\u00a0Hudson\u2019s Golden Gem<\/a>,\u00a0Holstein<\/a>,\u00a0Suncrisp<\/a>,\u00a0Ashmead\u2019s Kernel<\/a>,\u00a0Opalescent<\/a>,\u00a0Orleans Reinette<\/a>,\u00a0Black Gilliflower<\/a>,\u00a0Red Delicious Double Feature<\/a>,\u00a0Jonathan<\/a>,\u00a0Ruby Mac<\/a>,\u00a0Crimson Topaz<\/a>,\u00a0Esopus Spitzenburg<\/a>,\u00a0Mutsu<\/a>,\u00a0Hunnyz<\/a>,\u00a0Winesap<\/a>,\u00a0Stayman Winesap<\/a>,\u00a0Winter Banana<\/a>,\u00a0Ribston Pippin<\/a>,\u00a0Rhode Island Greening<\/a>,\u00a0Roxbury Russet<\/a>,\u00a0Opal<\/a>,\u00a0Cosmic Crisp<\/a>,\u00a0Black Oxford<\/a>, Ananas Reinette<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

* by the way, fuck melons, melons are also pieces of shit and should get fucked, throw all the melons out, put them in some sort of space trebuchet and launch those shitdicks to the fucking moon, the moon can be for melons, melons for the cave-dwelling moon people, I’m sorry if you like melons** but in this case you’re wrong and have been duped by perhaps nostalgia or aliens or those weevils I was talking about earlier<\/p>\n\n\n\n

** watermelons are sort of okay<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’m kind of spoiling my review a little here in the post title sooooo I guess let’s just get into it, shall we? My review of this fucking SugarBee “apple,” bought at I dunno some grocery store, maybe Sprouts, I forget, early-November: This apple was a real piece of shit. I’m sorry! I’m sorry. I’m […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":62587,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-62564","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","6":"hentry","7":"category-theramble","9":"has-featured-image"},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/11\/sugarbeeapple.jpg?fit=%2C&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pv7MR-gh6","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/62564","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=62564"}],"version-history":[{"count":19,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/62564\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":62597,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/62564\/revisions\/62597"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/62587"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=62564"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=62564"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=62564"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}