{"id":32189,"date":"2018-05-03T08:56:21","date_gmt":"2018-05-03T12:56:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/?p=32189"},"modified":"2018-05-03T08:56:21","modified_gmt":"2018-05-03T12:56:21","slug":"fran-wildes-museum-of-errant-critters","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/2018\/05\/03\/fran-wildes-museum-of-errant-critters\/","title":{"rendered":"Fran Wilde’s Museum of Errant Critters"},"content":{"rendered":"

Goddamnit. <\/em><\/p>\n

Fran<\/strong><\/span><\/a> was like, “Hey, can I have the keys to the blog?” and I was like, “Sure, obviously,” because I’m no ding-dong — I know that Fran knows how to bring the Quality Content, but then I show up for work in the morning and what’s happened? THE WHOLE BLOG IS COVERED IN CRITTERS. Well, somebody is going to have to deal with this. And that’s you, dear reader. It’s\u00a0<\/em>you.<\/em><\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

The Museum of Errant Critters<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Or (as my friend C.L. Polk dubbed them): Adorable Creatures of Doom<\/p>\n

Chuck has been tweeting and blogging a lot lately on matters of Authorial Mental Health and Happiness and that synced up with a side project of mine — drawing some of the brain weasels and head dragons that sometimes set up shop northwards of my heart while I\u2019m writing, working, not working, going to conventions, not going to conventions, etc. Sure there are happier critters around these parts, but Errant Critters are currently easier to trap and sketch for posterity.<\/p>\n

When I told Chuck what I was up to, he offered to let me park the Museum on his blog for a little while\u2026 and luckily he didn\u2019t ask about care and feeding so I\u2019m just going to leave them here to eat all the food in Chuck\u2019s murdershed.<\/p>\n

Welcome to The Museum of Errant Critters<\/strong> – Established somewhere between 1812 and 2018 to catalog and archive mind-creatures that often behave in creatively destructive ways.<\/p>\n

Visit our exhibits to learn tips and tricks for Critter Management\u2026 (results not guaranteed). In particular, we\u2019ve found that identification and discussion helps with management of many of these critters. At least, it helps with identifying the gnawing sounds in the dark of night.<\/p>\n

Despair Narwhal<\/strong><\/p>\n

Migratory and nocturnal, the Despair Narwhal\u2019s sharp horn and plaintive song wake creatives up in the middle of the night with intense feelings of doom. Despair Narwhals, being composed mostly of mist and doubt, often evaporate with a good dose of morning light, application of food, or starting a new project.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>The Youcant (extinct)<\/strong><\/p>\n

The megasaurus Youcant once lurked artists studios and creatives\u2019 desks worldwide. Currently extinct, the creature was put out of business by a rapid, global outbreak of Why The Hell Not in 2016.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

BrainWeasels<\/strong><\/p>\n

The sharp-toothed brain weasel is a rapid breeder that thrives on grey matter. Usually seen following an infestation of doubt devils or worry worms, these critters\u2019 lifespan lasts as long as you feed them.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Catastrophizing Cormorant<\/strong><\/p>\n

Often found hovering, wings flapping, around the worst possible outcomes. No, worse than that. Even worse. Yep, that one. This bird is sure the worst will happen and demands that you make plans for this outcome, often instead of doing other things. Care and feeding involves a nap, some lunch, and a long look at other possibilities.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Guilt Gorilla<\/strong><\/p>\n

The gravity well near most Guilt Gorillas is extensive and can drag down even a stalwart creative. Feeds on: pre-existing feelings of not doing enough, overwork, and lateness. Distraction devices include planning calendars, reminding yourself to stand up and stretch once in a while, and that yes even you should take a @!%$#@ vacation now and then.<\/p>\n

Worry Worms<\/strong><\/p>\n

Numerous, but small, these critters can chew through anything, if left festering long enough. Writing down their names sometimes helps, as does telling them you\u2019ve got better things to do than watch them eat. In some cases, they signify something left unaddressed, but not always the thing they\u2019re chewing on.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Garbage Moths<\/strong><\/p>\n

Attracted to dumpster fires, train wrecks, and twitter, these moths\u2019 bright colors and spectacular tendency to spontaneously combust can devour hours, days, even weeks. When you look back at the missing time, you might not even remember what attracted their interest. Solution: accountability software, net nannies, a trip to a wifi-free zone.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Doubt Devils<\/strong><\/p>\n

Known to frequent conventions, speaking engagements, and presentations, doubt devils, much like their cousin the cartoon tasmanian devil (hired long term by Warner Brothers) like to arrive in a whirlwind about midway through any multi-day event and helpfully repeat back to you a distorted version of things that you said, did, or didn\u2019t do. Cause is unknown, but having a strong desire to be part of a community can be an attractor. Cures include checking in with a friend, stepping away from convention overload for a few minutes, and reminding yourself that almost everyone feels this way sometimes.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Procrastination Platypus<\/strong><\/p>\n

Found lazing in deep task lists, this platypus doesn\u2019t really care what you need to do, it wants you to play minesweeper or maybe just watch some YouTube for as long as possible. Set a timer and do a few minutes of downtime if you\u2019re feeling distracted. The platypus is useful for giving yourself a break, just don\u2019t let it eat your clock.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

The Carousel<\/strong><\/p>\n

A master of camouflage, the Carousel is a slowly turning critter that can make you forget your own successes in order to ask you, repeatedly, what have you done lately. Best way to overcome: celebrate your wins, no matter how small.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Fran Wilde\u2019s novels and short stories have been nominated for three Nebula awards and two Hugos, and include her Andre Norton- and Compton-Crook-winning debut novel,\u00a0Updraft<\/em>\u00a0(Tor 2015), its sequels,\u00a0Cloudbound<\/em>\u00a0(2016) and\u00a0Horizon<\/em>\u00a0(2017), and the novelette \u201cThe Jewel and Her Lapidary\u201d (Tor.com Publishing 2016). Her short stories appear in\u00a0Asimov\u2019s<\/em>,\u00a0Tor.com<\/em>,\u00a0Beneath Ceaseless Skies<\/em>,\u00a0Shimmer<\/em>,\u00a0Nature<\/em>, and the\u00a02017 Year\u2019s Best Dark Fantasy and Horror<\/em>. She writes for publications including\u00a0The Washington Post<\/em>,\u00a0Tor.com<\/em>,\u00a0Clarkesworld<\/em>,\u00a0iO9.com<\/em>, and\u00a0GeekMom.com<\/em>. You can find her on Twitter (@fran_wilde<\/strong><\/span><\/a>), Facebook (@franwildewrites), and at\u00a0franwilde.net<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Goddamnit. Fran was like, “Hey, can I have the keys to the blog?” and I was like, “Sure, obviously,” because I’m no ding-dong — I know that Fran knows how to bring the Quality Content, but then I show up for work in the morning and what’s happened? THE WHOLE BLOG IS COVERED IN CRITTERS. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-32189","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"hentry","6":"category-theramble","8":"no-featured-image"},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pv7MR-8nb","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32189","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=32189"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32189\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":32205,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32189\/revisions\/32205"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=32189"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=32189"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=32189"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}