{"id":15786,"date":"2012-10-18T00:01:21","date_gmt":"2012-10-18T04:01:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/?p=15786"},"modified":"2012-10-17T09:09:33","modified_gmt":"2012-10-17T13:09:33","slug":"fakedebate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/2012\/10\/18\/fakedebate\/","title":{"rendered":"#fakedebate"},"content":{"rendered":"

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(Image courtesy of… uhh? The Internet?)<\/p>\n

I’m traveling today to the mysterious land of “Lost Anglekeys” or whatever the hell it’s called, where I’m speaking first at a thing called “Storyworld,” and then at another thing called “Writer’s Digest West,” and then at a third<\/em> thing on Sunday night at 8pm called “Noir at the Bar” at some magical wizardly boozehaus known as “Mandrake.”<\/p>\n

So, for your amusement (or anger-making), I give you:<\/p>\n

My #fakedebate tweets from Tuesday night.<\/p>\n

Glimpses of Obama pre-debate confirm aggressiveness. He is seen biting a rattlesnake in half and chugging its blood and venom.<\/p>\n

Obama then yells: \u201cWelcome to Barack-Town! Population: My Foot In Your Ass.\u201d<\/p>\n

Romney wins the coin toss, which means he gets first chance to fake wash a bunch of pots to show his fake support for the poor.<\/p>\n

Romney: \u201cI want you to get a job! But China ate them all.\u201d<\/p>\n

Romney: \u201cI\u2019m going to make sure you can get hired to make iPhones in a Shanghai sweatshop.\u201d<\/p>\n

Romney: \u201cMy plan to put people back to work is to undo the Republican dick-jam clogging up Congress\u2019 pipes like an old tampon!\u201d<\/p>\n

Obama: \u201cI got a five-point plan, too. Five fingers form a fist and punch Mittens in his crotch-wallet. BOOM.\u201d<\/p>\n

Man in audience asks: \u201cWhy are you a Muslim Kenyan Martian Socialist Gay Married Christmas-Hater?\u201d Is unmasked as Donald Trump.<\/p>\n

Romney just answers the next question by licking his fingers and smoothing his eyebrows, then chuckling.<\/p>\n

Romney holds up a golf ball: \u201cThis is clean coal!\u201d Then he sets it on fire and warms his hands by it.<\/p>\n

Obama: \u201cTruth is, Governor Romney is a lying-faced liar that lies, and his pants are on fire. And full of poop.\u201d<\/p>\n

Asked about renewable energy, Romney just squeezes his hair, drinks it, spits it into a Zippo flame and BOOSH.<\/p>\n

Now they\u2019re just hitting each other with their microphones. WHUMP BOONG FWUMP FFFMMM BUMP<\/p>\n

Obama starts explaining economic theory. Romney makes fart noises and monkey sounds in the background.<\/p>\n

Question from audience: \u201cGovernor, how do you plan to pay for all your tax cuts?\u201d Romney: \u201cChinamen. I mean, Keebler elves.\u201d<\/p>\n

Romney is now holding the moderator\u2019s head in a toilet bowl he appears to have brought from home.<\/p>\n

Romney: \u201cI want to help those middle class families that earn more than a frabjillion dollars per year.\u201d<\/p>\n

Upon hearing his name, Bill Clinton rides in on a Kodiak bear wearing a gladiator costume. Bronzed and oiled.<\/p>\n

Romney: \u201cI am going to force the wealthy to pay more tax \u2013 HAHAHA heehee I can\u2019t do it sorry! I josh! I josh!\u201d<\/p>\n

Obama: \u201cRomney\u2019s plan will cost us five trillion dollars.\u201d Romney: \u201cI make that much in a week!\u201d<\/p>\n

While Obama is speaking, Romney is wandering around the audience selling snake oil and bad mortgages.<\/p>\n

The moderator just pulled out a Taser.<\/p>\n

Outside the debate, Big Bird just doused himself in gas and set his golden feathers ablaze.<\/p>\n

Romney: \u201cI love affirmative action. That\u2019s a Republican thing, right? It\u2019s not? I hate affirmative action.\u201d<\/p>\n

Romney: \u201cI love women. I smack their asses when they do a good job. I give them kisses & candies. They prefer that to raises.\u201d<\/p>\n

Romney: \u201cI think abortions are delicious. Wait, what are we talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n

Romney: \u201cI GET NEXT ANSWER WAIT SHUT UP ME NOW NEXT FIRST I SAY THINGS NOW STOMPY STOMPY BOO BOO.\u201d<\/p>\n

Romney: \u201cI will trade our women to China and that will balance our budget.\u201d<\/p>\n

The moderator is loading a handgun. For herself? Remains unclear.<\/p>\n

Obama: \u201cI promise to hunt and kill Honey Boo Boo. And film it. Seal Team Six stands ready.\u201d<\/p>\n

Obama: \u201cHere is Osama bin Laden\u2019s head. Let us now play kickball with it and end this charade.\u201d<\/p>\n

Obama firmly strokes his turgid erection. Bill Clinton and he lock eyes, and share a wink.<\/p>\n

Romney: \u201cObama only did 92% of the things he said he\u2019d do. Zing! Gotcha, nerd! Go back to Kenya!\u201d<\/p>\n

Woman asks about immigration. Romney explains that they will serve in an annual \u201cHunger Games\u201d event.<\/p>\n

Romney: \u201cImmigrants can bow out of the Hunger Games provided they agree to serve as building materials.\u201d<\/p>\n

Romney explains that his strategy is \u201cto say whatever works to make you like me. When that fails, I will release angry bees.\u201d<\/p>\n

Romney: \u201cI sucked four years ago. Hell, I was high on goofballs during the GOP primaries. You shouldn\u2019t quote me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Obama: \u201cIn my next four years I will enact legislation to punish those who interrupt during debates. Seal Team Six is ready.\u201d<\/p>\n

Obama gets mad, shoots lasers out of his eyes. Buzzsaw blades from his mouth.<\/p>\n

Romney just had a terrorist attack in his pants.<\/p>\n

Obama: \u201cI want to keep guns out of the hands of orangutans, clowns, postal workers, children, grandchildren, and Republicans.\u201d<\/p>\n

Romney: \u201cI think children should be raised by guns. Straight guns. Not gay guns. Because, ew.\u201d<\/p>\n

Weird. Romney has a dead dog strapped to the top of his podium.<\/p>\n

The moderator is unlocking a tiger cage.<\/p>\n

They pan over the audience. Turns out, undecided voters are basically a pack of unwashed hobos. One guy is sniffing his hands.<\/p>\n

Romney: \u201cThe key to getting tough on China is enacting legislation to make sure we get crispy, spicy General Tso\u2019s chicken.\u201d<\/p>\n

Romney: \u201cI plan on solving immigration by sending Obamacare to China and then shooting Libya with guns and tax cuts.\u201d<\/p>\n

The undecided voter audience is now eating one another. I suspect bath salts. Or some kind of Walking Dead voodoo.<\/p>\n

Romney: \u201cChina hacked my BIOS and made me say all kinds of crazy things during the primaries.\u201d<\/p>\n

Last question of the night: \u201cDo you like anal?\u201d Where do they get these people?<\/p>\n

Obama and audience member named Barry form a detective team, Barry and Barry. This fall, on ABC.<\/p>\n

Real debate: these two dudes seriously do not like one another. I really thought they were gonna start kickboxing or some shit.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(Image courtesy of… uhh? The Internet?) I’m traveling today to the mysterious land of “Lost Anglekeys” or whatever the hell it’s called, where I’m speaking first at a thing called “Storyworld,” and then at another thing called “Writer’s Digest West,” and then at a third thing on Sunday night at 8pm called “Noir at the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-15786","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"hentry","6":"category-theramble","8":"no-featured-image"},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pv7MR-46C","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15786","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15786"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15786\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":15788,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15786\/revisions\/15788"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15786"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15786"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/terribleminds.com\/ramble\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15786"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}