Poi In The Front, Poke In The Rear

A Blue Hawaiian tastes and looks like Windex. Poi looks like library paste, or the sputum of a grandfatherly goblin, but it tastes a little like sour clay — which sounds horrible, until you pair it with kalua pork or pipikaula. Poke looks like cubes of raw tuna, but it tastes like heaven’s nectar. A gin and tonic on the beach tastes like genius. What I’m trying to say is, just got back from the luau here at the Sheraton. Two words: “Open bar.” Unfortunately, those two words do not... Read The Rest →

Painting With Mai Tai Vomit

I totally don’t have a cold. I totally don’t have a cold. I totally — oh, goddamnit, really? Do I have a cold? Again? In Hawaii? This totally happened last time, you know. Got a cold about halfway through the trip. I’m going to just go ahead and pretend it’s not true. LA LA LA LA. I can’t hear you, phlegm monster that lives in my throat. LA LA LA LA. Outside, the dark ocean is punctuated by white lines slithering to the shore. We went to Waimea Canyon today.... Read The Rest →

I Put My Hoowili In Her Hoonani

I don’t mean to denigrate anybody’s culture. I really don’t. I’m just saying — the Hawaiian language, with its reliance on a sparse few consonants and the whole caboodle of nouns, well, c’mon. I have the brain of a 12-year-old boy (in a jar under my desk). Hoonani. Hoowili. Poipu. Pe’e. I’m just saying, it’s like the Hawaiians are out there laughing at us. I hear Hawaiian music, my first thought is, “Gosh, that’s really beautiful.” My second thought is, “I think they’re singing about vaginas.” I’m also not saying... Read The Rest →

Hula Pie and Puka Dogs: A Retrospective

Okay. I’m not saying I’m drunk. I mean, it’s not like I pissed myself or anything (ahem, yet). I’m really not that bad. It’s just — hey, my lips are numb. And my teeth feel alive. I just drank a Mai Tai out of a giant tiki head. And then I consumed some kind of fruity non-martini-tini. Like, they stick vodka and mango and passion fruit in a glass and they’re all like, “It’s a martini!” and I’m like, “No it fucking is not but I do not care PUT... Read The Rest →

Punching And Kicking My Way To Paradise, Goddamnit

At my back is the sound of waves crashing. We are in Hawaii. We almost were not in Hawaii today. Yesterday, we wake up to make a mid-morning flight. Shuttle service was supposed to pick us up at 7:00AM, but since they dropped us off at the wrong address the first time through, I figured, “Hey, Chuck, you’d better call these douchecookies, make sure they have the right address.” I call once; they do not have the right address. They fix it! I call back two more times just to,... Read The Rest →

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