Mahalo For Your Kokua: Epic Trip Report Part II (Kauai)

Hawaii (and Kauai in particular) has its own weird bamboo vibe: a kind of slightly unhinged motif, yet unhinged in a way that engenders relaxation -- imagine a screen door hanging literally off one of its hinges, leaning back, the wind whistling through its mesh. Not a care in the world. As they say: hang loose.

Epic Trip Report Of Uttermost Epicness, Part One

You want a trip report? I got your trip report right here. No, no, avert your gaze from my crotch; I wasn’t being sarcastic. I literally mean that – “I have your trip report right here.” And by “right here” I mean, “Hey, it’s right down there, seriously, just drift your gaze lower – lower – looooower…” Hah! It’s my crotch! Sucker!

Air Travel Is For Assholes

See, anybody can buy a ticket. It's right on par with bus travel. You know how hobos can wander onto buses? They can wander onto planes, too. So that's what this is. This is an ode to all those shitheads, to all those fuck-for-brains, to all those asstacular wankernecks who somehow ended up on a plane seated somewhere in my general vicinity.

Hanalei Bay

It is clear, now: Hanalei Bay is where we should’ve been staying all along. I’m not saying I don’t like the Poipu area. I do. And love the Sheraton. Our stay has been scrumptious. But man, you want to feel like you’re driving through Jurassic Park, you stay up in the north shore somewhere. Wild, verdant, unkempt — lush jungles, cerulean bay, mammoth trees, and green green green. (Pictures surely forthcoming.) Oh, did I mention that we saw the massive ficus trees that were home to the dinosaur eggs in... Read The Rest →

Poi In The Front, Poke In The Rear

A Blue Hawaiian tastes and looks like Windex. Poi looks like library paste, or the sputum of a grandfatherly goblin, but it tastes a little like sour clay — which sounds horrible, until you pair it with kalua pork or pipikaula. Poke looks like cubes of raw tuna, but it tastes like heaven’s nectar. A gin and tonic on the beach tastes like genius. What I’m trying to say is, just got back from the luau here at the Sheraton. Two words: “Open bar.” Unfortunately, those two words do not... Read The Rest →

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