So, the new year looms and I start to slowly, groggily come out of my holiday coma (just before I tackle New Year’s Eve and guzzle liquor with friends) to start prepping the terribleminds Kickstarter for the New Year. The Kickstarter, as noted, will in part go toward making this site financially viable, but it will also have a concrete goal of updating this site somewhat (a terribleminds 2.0, if you will).

What I’m asking is, what do you want to see here in the new year?

Both in terms of content and in terms of changes to the actual site itself.

I do plan on putting up an e-store with merch. Though I’d love to know what kind of merch you’d be interested in seeing? Any suggestions would be appreciated and high-fived and sloppily-tongue-kissed.

But really, I’m talking about anything: what would make your terribleminds reading experience a better one? Give a shout. I’ll see if it goes on the list.

It’s always interesting to see which posts strike a chord and which don’t — which ones catch fire and go “viral” via sites like Stumbleupon or what-have-you. Most of these top posts of the year come from this year, which is cool. A few standbys from 2010 show up again (dang, that Beware of Writer post keeps popping up here and there), but most of these are from the last 12 months. Plainly, the “Lists of 25″ posts are popular — I know some folks don’t like “list” blog posts, and to them I apologize. It’s just, lists are easily digestible online reading. You can read and skip and easily break a single post down into digestible snidbits. It also, for me, forces me to put more content in a given post. Each item needs to be packed with potent writer-flavored antioxidants, so (as with Twitter) it demands a certain brevity.

Anyway. Here, then, are the top 25 posts of the year here at jolly old terribleminds.

Thanks for coming by here, you silly little marmosets, you. I should ask:

What was your favorite post of the year?

1. 25 Things Every Writer Should Know

2. 25 Things You Should Know About Character

3. Beware Of Writer

4. 25 Ways To Fuck With Your Characters

5. Turning Writers Into Motherfucking Rock Stars

6. Why Your Novel Won’t Get Published

7. 25 Things You Should Know About NaNoWriMo

8. Why Your Self-Published Book May Suck A Bag Of Dicks

9. Six Signs You’re Not Ready To Be A Professional Writer

10. No, Seriously, I’m Not Fucking Around, You Really Don’t Want To Be A Writer

11. 25 Things You Should Know About Storytelling

12. 25 Things You Should Know About Dialogue

13. Of Google-Plus And Circle Jerks

14. NaNoWhoNow? NaNoWriMo Dos And Don’ts

15. 25 Things You Should Know About Self-Publishing

16. 25 Ways To Become A Better Writer

17. 25 Things Writers Should Know About Rejection

18. 25 Things You Should Know About Plot

19. 25 Things You Should Know About Writing A Novel

20. How To Tell If You’re A Writer

21. Lies Writers Tell

22. 25 Things You Should Know About Writing Horror

23. 25 Things Writers Should Know About Social Media

24. 25 Ways To Plot, Plan and Prep Your Story

25. Why Writers Drink

Okay, kids.

Come January, I’m going to do a terribleminds Kickstarter.

Here’s the logic: I’m a busy dude. I can never say the blog here is a burden because, truth be told, I love doing it — but I went ahead and calculated the loose word count I offer to this site annually and it’s…

Well, around 312,000 words a year.

That’s a lot of words. That’s four or five novels, easy.

This was less of a concern before the Tiny Wendig arrived, as B-Dub is a demanding dictator who forces his parental puppets to dance and dance and dance some more. All for His Tiny Lordship’s Pleasure.

Which means it’s time to look at this blog and see where it fits in my overall penmonkey ecosystem.

So, a Kickstarter. To fund the site by, well, funding my time. At least to some degree.

Which means it’s time to ask:

What are your “best practices” when it comes to Kickstarter? What do you like to see? What don’t you like? If you’ve backed a project or, even better, had a project on Kickstarter (or any crowd-funded site), I’d love to hear from you. Care to share what you’ve learned?

Hot dang.

CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY has sold almost 900 copies since it dropped, and since starting the Penmonkey Incitement Program we’re actually up to 509 sold.

Which means it’s time to give away:

a) Another postcard

b) Another t-shirt

c) Holy shit, a Kindle.

I will be giving away a Kindle Touch ($99), to be specific.

Here’s how this works.

I draw randomly from the list of names of those who have procured COAFPM – the trick is, if I don’t know that you purchased it, then I don’t know to pick your name. I’m not psychic.

If you bought it via PDF: I have your information already, no need for you to worry or do anything.

If you bought it via Amazon or B&N, I do not possess this information automatically. Which means you need to send me proof-of-purchase to terribleminds [at] gmail [dot] com. (Many have already sent in your names, and those that have do not need to re-send that information.)

I will pick the names tomorrow (Friday) at noon (EST).

Which means you have until then to still procure COAFPM and get me the information if you want to be in on the Kindle draw. At present your chances are pretty good: 1/250 or so.

And I will also be picking for the postcard and t-shirt.

Note that both t-shirt and Kindle are U.S. residents only. Sorry. Only way I can send to international residents is if they’re willing to pay the overseas shipping. (Which is fine, but let me know that.)

Come back here to this post — this is where I’ll be making the pick.

To procure the book ($4.99):

Kindle (US), Kindle (UK), Nook, or PDF.

Thanks!

EDIT:

TAMELA RITTER wins herself a Kindle Touch!

CHRISTIAN TOMSEY wins a Penmonkey t-shirt!

And sending out two postcards, too (since we just crossed over the 550 mark) –

Samuraigerbil and joe-in-ey!

Congrats!

And don’t forget — another 450 sales and we give away another Kindle.

Hungry for another double-barrel buckshot of questionable writing wisdom unloaded into your brain-guts? Ohhh, I have just the thing for you, my little ink-fingered word-cobblers.

Available today: 500 WAYS TO BE A BETTER WRITER.

At present, the book is $0.99 — but! That price will go up after one week (around Wednesday November 9th) to $2.99. Those who buy the PDF now are able to select a “pay what you want” price ($0.99, $1.99, $2.99) if you care to pay more for the book. Absurd? Maybe. But you’d be surprised at how often it happens that folks tell me they want to pay more than a buck for books like this. Consider it an experiment!

[Please note: current sale is over!]

Okay, let’s get our procurement options on the table:

AMAZON (US)

AMAZON (UK)

B&N

(A note about buying direct: if you buy direct, I send you the file — er, directly! — via email. This is generally very fast unless extenuating circumstances prevent this. Like, say, if I’m asleep. Or if Paypal delays sending me the head’s up. Or if I experience a massive power outage. You’ll generally have your file within an hour, unless it’s at night, at which point you’ll have it very early in the morning.)

What The Hell Is This?

This is the sequel to 250 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WRITING, and, as many sequels go, this one is bigger and badder — twice the size, in fact, of its predecessor.

It features 20 “Lists of 25″ from the blog-bound pages of this very site.

What lists, you say? Well, here’s what’s in it:

Prologue: 25 Things You Should Know About Writing Advice

25 Questions To Ask As You Write

25 Reasons You Won’t Finish That Story

25 Things You Should Know About Endings

25 Things You Should Know About Mood

25 Things You Should Know About NaNoWriMo

25 Things You Should Know About Queries, Synopses And Treatments

25 Things You Should Know About Self-Publishing

25 Things You Should Know About Social Media

25 Things You Should Know About Theme

25 Things You Should Know About Writing Horror

25 Virtues Writers Should Possess

25 Ways To Be A Better Writer

25 Ways To Defeat Writer’s Block

25 Ways To Fuck With Your Characters

25 Ways To Make Exposition Your Bitch

25 Ways To Plot, Plan And Prep Your Story

The Life Cycle Of A Novel (In 25 Steps)

Appendix 1: 25 Sleep-Deprived And Also Drunken Thoughts On Writing

Appendix 2: 25 Brief-But-Hopefully-Potent Writing Exercises

Now, four of those are brand new and are not found here at terribleminds — Endings; Mood; Sleep-Deprived And Also Drunken Thoughts; and the writing exercises.

All told, it’s around 50,000 words of total content.

None of it is replicated from 250 THINGS.

Why Buy?

Because this is a mega-explosion of thinking and talking about writing.

Got a big bad case of the writer’s block? Exposition a barnacle-crusted colostomy bag around your hip? Don’t know how to cinch that perfect ending, or describe that perfect mood? Doing NaNoWriMo and want a little something-something, some idea-coal for the story-furnace? Or maybe you just want to hear my drunken ramblings about writing? If any of those apply, then this might just be the book for you. Plus, like I said — for the next week, it’s naught but a dollar.

Alternately, maybe you want to support the blog. Maybe you say, “Hey, I come here every week and Wendig hoses me down and delouses my writer-fed delusions and I come away smelling of rye whiskey and — quite curiously — butterscotch, so why wouldn’t I want to throw a couple coins into the ol’ terribleminds coffers?”

Or — or! — maybe you say, “Well, a ding-dang-doo, that is one cute baby. I would love a guilt-soaked appeal to whatever instincts drive an adult’s need to protect a tiny big-eyed human, and if I can contribute money toward this kid’s diapers-and-college fund, then that makes me feel warm inside, like freshly-baked bread.” See? There he is, all dressed as Babyzilla. And, apparently, pointing at his crotch. So much like his father! Which is, uhh, presumably me? I do often dress like a monster and run around town pointing out my crotch, so I’d say the bloodline has manifested itself elegantly.

Those are just three potential reasons to procure this e-book.

Other reasons might include:

A love of profanity!

Syphilitic insanity!

A hatred of money and so you must spend it as fast as you get it!

A zealous love for all things self-published!

An obsessive and ever-mounting collection of e-books!

The beard! THE BEARD!

And so on.

If you procure? Then you have my thanks. If you don’t nab a copy? I definitely do not wish a plague of bed-bugs upon your home. That would be rude of me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to read this book of ancient hexes. Whyfor? Oh. Uhhh. What? No reason. Just buy the book already.

“Sometimes she wakes up at night, smelling that gunpowder smell. Ears ringing. A whimpering there in the darkness. Doesn’t always hit her at night, either. Might be in the middle of the day. She should be smelling pizza, or garbage, or cat shit wafting from the house next door, but instead what she smells is that acrid tang of gunsmoke. All up in her nose. Clinging there like a tick…”

So begins the tale of Atlanta Burns, a young girl with a grim past lingering at the fringes of her droll and dreary high school existence. She’s content to remain there, too, or so she thinks: soon, however, she’s drawn in a battle against two separate groups of bullies – a trio of local troublemakers and a group of Neo-Nazi gay bashers – to save a pair of new and unexpected friends.

But actions have consequences, and by fighting back, Atlanta discovers she’s kicked over a log, thus revealing what hides squirming underneath.

It’s just her, her friends, and a .410 squirrel gun against a handful of bullies and a conspiracy whose worst aspects remain yet hidden.

Can she triumph?

Will her victory be paid in unseen sacrifices?

Or is fighting back just asking for a face full of bad news?

(This is novella #1, a complete tale in and of itself. But Atlanta’s story will continue in #2, BAIT DOG.)

Your procurement options are as follows:

Kindle (US): Buy Here

Kindle (UK): Buy Here

Nook: [Available Later Today, I Hope]

Or, buy the PDF ($2.99) by clicking the BUY NOW button:

What Awesome Humans Have To Say

“SHOTGUN GRAVY is like VERONICA MARS on Adderall. Atlanta Burns is a troubled teenage girl who’s scared, angry, and not taking shit from anybody. Chuck Wendig knocks this one out of the park as he so often does.” – Stephen Blackmoore, author of CITY OF THE LOST and DEAD THINGS

“Give Nancy Drew a shotgun and a kick-ass attitude and you get Atlanta Burns. Packed with action and fascinating characters, SHOTGUN GRAVY is a story that will captivate both teens and adults and have them clamoring for the next installment.” – Joelle Charbonneau, author of SKATING OVER THE LINE

Author Notes

First things first, I suppose what I should say up front is that Atlanta Burns, “The Get-Shit-Done Girl,” will be back in BAIT DOG, the second novella in the series.

From there is goes to novella #3, BULLY PULPIT.

And after that, novella #4, HARUM SCARUM.

(Those names may change depending on how the wind blows.)

Which means this is probably a good time to explain what’s going on with these stories.

I’m approaching these novellas a bit like television storytelling in that it’s both episodic and serialized at the same time. Look at a show like Burn Notice, you’ll see what I mean – Burn Notice offers a new story every episode wherein the protagonist helps someone solve a problem. At the same time, each episode also advances a larger season-long plot and moves the characters forward a little bit (though never too much, as television thrives on characters that change little, if at all).

I thought it might be fun to try to emulate the shorter-form of television on the printed (er, “e-printed”) page while still building toward a larger story in a serialized way.

So, this is the first novella in the series of four (probably), and when they’re all said and done, they’ll add up to the equivalent of a really big novel in size. Then, provided this whole series doesn’t suck donkey taint and you fine, fine readers keep on reading and liking them, I’ll move onto a second series (which, I assume, will also contain four more novellas).

That’s the drill. I’ll release each one… well, I don’t know when. One every couple-few months, I figure. Unless of course these books just aren’t selling, at which point I’ll go cry in the bubble bath and then move onto something bigger and brighter. (If I can’t sell 500 of this one, for instance, the next one isn’t a lock.)

Now, to another question: is this book really YA, or Young Adult?

I don’t know.

I didn’t necessarily intend to write YA, but here I am, writing a book about a teen girl dealing with teen issues: rape and violence and bullying and sexual identity and all that stuff. Being a teen is just plain shitty. Everyone tells you that it’s the best time of your life but it’s not—

–it’s one of the weirdest, and admittedly offers some major highs… and some staggering lows. (For my money, the years after high school were the best.)

As such, I guess this counts as YA (or YA-flavored crime, or crime-flavored YA). It’s noir. Noir-esque. Quasi-noir. I don’t even know what noir is anymore, honestly. It has a passel of bad words and ugly thoughts, of course, though let’s not be naïve and pretend that teens don’t use naughty swear words or do bad things. I think I did all my worst stuff when I was a teen. That’s the nature of being young.

Anyway. Hope to see you all back for BAIT DOG (which is largely complete but needs a good polish), maybe in a couple-few months. Thanks for picking this one up, and if you feel so inclined to tell a friend about it or leave a review, you can be sure I’d appreciate that.

We writers can only survive through the support of caring readers, after all.

Well, we’re gonna do more.

I’ve already got a couple lined up, but — but!

Your help is requested.

Here’s how the interview process works. I ask a pre-established set of questions and then, from those answers I ask some follow-ups specific to each author. What I want to know from you is:

What other questions do you want me to ask? Anything in particular?

Second thing I need: who do you want me to interview? Suggest some people. Sweet Jeebus only knows if they’ll answer my plea to be strapped into a chair and have electrodes strapped to their temples, teats, and fiddly bits, but you don’t get anywhere by not asking for things. Who should I approach for said interviews? Shoot me some names. Not just novelists, but writers and storytellers of all stripes.

Alternately, if you’re an accomplished storyteller and you want an interview here, speak up.

Borne on the back of a galloping hell-pony, carried in the satchel of a certified inkslinger, I give you:

REVENGE OF THE PENMONKEY.

A mere $2.99.

Your procurement options are as follows:

Kindle (US): Buy Here

Kindle (UK): Buy Here

Nook: Buy Here

Or, buy the PDF ($2.99) by clicking the BUY NOW button:

…

Be advised: I sell the PDF through Paypal. I’ll send you the e-book directly via email after you purchase: generally speaking, you will receive the file within an hour of purchase. But sometimes Paypal mysteriously delays alerting me, or something I’m asleep (like, say, if you order the book at midnight EST).

Just to be safe, I’ll say that you will receive the file within 12 hours of ordering.

Though again, that’s an extreme case.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

What’s In The Book?

REVENGE OF THE PENMONKEY is another collection of essays and articles ripped from the, erm, “pages” of this blog right here. It features 30 such essays, including but not limited to:

“Beware Of Writer II”

“How To Tell If You’re A Writer”

“How To Jumpstart A Stalled Novel”

“Panster Versus Plotter”

“Six Signs You’re Not Ready To Be A Professional Writer”

“Why Writers Drink”

“Word-Karate: On Writing Action Scenes”

“Writers Should Be Motherfucking Rock Stars”

“Your Self-Published Book May Suck A Bag of Dicks”

The book tackles self-publishing, freelance writing, story architecture, action scenes, and overall casts an unblinking eye at the insane-yet-delightful existence of the Average Everyday Penmonkey.

Original Content!

The book features 70,000 words of delicious fatty mind-meat material, but some of that material is brand spankin’ new. The book features a new 10,000 word “introduction” (“True Confessions Of A Freelance Penmonkey”) which talks about my life and the lessons I’ve learned about writing along the way. It features stories of crashed vans, strap-on dildos, shit-shooting, college sex, Yukon Jack, and gunshot wounds.

Some essays also receive postscript commentary where appropriate. Talking about general fan response or adding clarification. Noodling my own Devil’s advocacy. And so forth.

The book also has another 20+ Questions appendix in which I answer questions put forth by You Crazy Humans Of The Internet. I answer questions about project management, writing goals, fatherhood, Disney princesses, and ketchup. This is riveting shit. It will blow your mind out the back of your head so hard, it shall kill whoever is standing behind you. So don’t read it in a bank line.

Finally, the book also gets a brand new writer’s prayer: The Inkslinger’s Invocation.

Promotion!

First week promotion:

If you buy REVENGE OF THE PENMONKEY between now and the close of Tuesday, September 13th, I will toss you a free PDF copy of 250 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WRITING.

If you procure ROTPM via PDF through me, I will send you 250 THINGS automatically.

If you procure ROTPM via Amazon or B&N, you will need to email me proof of your purchase to: terribleminds at gmail dot com. I will then send you 250 THINGS.

Still not convinced to buy?

This Is How I Finance Terribleminds

Over the last year, maintaining this website has become a little more cost intensive: quite seriously and without trying to brag (though, I gotta brag a little), the visits to this blog have gone through the roof over the last six months. That means I’ve had to push this site to one of the more expensive hosting plans just to keep it from springing leaks and to keep my host from quietly drowning terribleminds in a toilet.

Further, my time has become even more premium with the birth of Der Wendigspawn, “B-Dub The Magnificent, Diminutive Dictator And Emperor Of Pennsyltucky.” As such, it gets harder and harder to provide robust content here as often as I do — so, again, having that financial core to the site via my writing-related e-books helps keep the whole boat afloat.

I’m not saying you should feel obliged or guilty anything. I’m just saying, if you don’t buy it, it’s going to be another tear-stained pillow night. And my son will suffer from scurvy because I cannot afford orange juice.

“I Want To Commit Further Sins In Your Name”

You wanna do more? Spread the word, for one. Even if you’re not procuring the book, then putting it on the radar of someone who might is a good thing and to that I’d say, thank you.

Also: leave reviews. Amazon, B&N, Goodreads. If you love the book, tell the world. If you hate the book, tell your houseplants and quietly swallow your burgeoning rage until a thrombosis forms in your veins.

For any and all of your help, I say: thank you.

“I Want Even More Free Shit, Wendig”

And so, I give you three wallpapers. Let me know if you can download them okay. You should be able to just click the image and download the size you so desire (up to 1600 x 1200).

(The Penmonkey sigil by Amy Houser. Cover and wallpaper design by yours truly.)

WRITE BIG AND WRITE BOLD

DONE FUCKING AROUND

F.U.

Excitement Over The Incitement

The current count of the PENMONKEY INCITEMENT PROGRAM jumped to 238/1000.

As you may know, that means some incitement achievements have been — ding! — unlocked.

Because at 200, I will send out:

A postcard.

A t-shirt.

And someone gets an edit of their fiction.

I will pick these names tomorrow. As always, I will note that if you want in on the Incitement Program, you have to have to have to email me proof of your purchase of COAFPM.

You can email me at terribleminds [at] gmail [dot] com.

That said, if you procured the PDF version… then I already have your name and address.

If you need more details on the Incitement Program (including how to win a free Kindle), then here you go.

I will pick the next batch of victims winners tomorrow morning. You will find those winners in the comment section of this post and edited into the post itself. So keep your grapes peeled.

EDIT:

Drum roll please. The winners?

THE PENMONKEY EDIT: Nick Olivo!

THE T-SHIRT: Michael Rasmussen!

THE POSTCARD: Shannon Sofian!

I’ll be contacting each of you in turn!

Free Copy Of 250 Things

You’ve got till the close of Monday (i.e. went the clock strikes midnight on Tuesday, Eastern Standard Time) to get in on the other COAFPM promotion, which is, if you buy a copy of COAFPM and tell me about it, I’ll send you a free PDF copy of 250 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WRITING. As above, if you bought the PDF, you don’t need to do anything, but Amazon/B&N means you need to email me your proof-of-sale to terribleminds [at] gmail [dot] com.

Diggit?

Duggit?

Good!

The Infection Rate

I don’t know if you like hearing about sales numbers or not, but here goes.

COAFPM is at 566 sales. 250 THINGS just hit 900 sales. And IRREGULAR CREATURES is at 744 sales.

If you’re in the group of those who have been, erm, infected by my e-books, then I graciously clink my glass against yours and grab the back of your head and press our foreheads together like we’re two old drunken Irish cops who just lost our third brother in the force to a borked drug bust. We breathe loudly through our noses, then part, then slam a shot, then curse the mayor’s office for not giving the dept the support it needs.

Or something.

I could, however, use a little more from you, if you’re willing to lend an ear.

First, I am always pleased when you tell other people: HEY YOU THIS IS NEAT STUFF. And then you hold them down and inject the Wendigo Virus (v3.0) into their asscheek.

Second, those three e-books of mine could always use more reviews at Amazon from you fine, fine people. Hell, you wanna leave a one-star review, leave one like “Linda” did for 250 THINGS:

“If this author actually had anything helpful to say, it was impossible to find. The book is a conglomeration of abusive statements, excessive swearing, arrogant side-tracking and blatant lack of any sense of how to communicate ideas. Definitely not worth the 99 cents, and since I cannot get a refund, I am hoping this review will save others their hard earned money.”

From her perspective, that’s a bad review. But hey, you ask me, it sells the book. Excessive swearing? Abusive statements? Arrogance? Lack of sense? Sold, lady. Sold.

SFX

Thanks to mighty mate Aaron Dembski-Bowden, COAFPM gets a mention in this month’s SFX Magazine (thanks too to Jason Arnopp for pointing this out). I hope to pin down both of these gentleman (get your mind out of the gutter) and force them both to submit to an interview here soon.

I also may have my own little interview in SFX soon. More on that as I know it.

The Bloggery Beseechment Initiative

Worth asking again: what do you want to see here at the blog? What topics do you want covered, writing and non-writing alike? What works? What doesn’t? Be bold, be honest. Speak your mind.

Are you liking the Thursday interviews and guest posts? I think I’m actually going to close up shop on the guest posts and stick only to interviews, but I’m accepting your thoughts into that matter.

Further, if you’re an accomplished storyteller of some ilk who would like to submit to terribleminds for “processing” — er, I mean, an interview — please hit me up soon as you’d like. I’m gearing up toward getting the next batch of interviews together, so get in while the getting’s good.

Finally, A Tease

…coming soon.

Somehow, I ended up with 5,000 Twitter followers.

Frankly, if you were to ask me, I’d say that following me is a sign of dubious moral standing and, most likely, an indicator of a brain parasite. You might wanna have that checked out by a priest and/or doctor.

Whatever the case, it is what it is and there you all are and I’m thankful to have you turning an ear toward my lunatic broadcasting. I appreciate you dialing into my penmonkey frequency.

This feels like a good time to give some shit away.

So, here’s what’s on the table:

(1) copy of Irregular Creatures in PDF or Kindle.

(1) copy of Confessions of a Freelance Penmonkey in PDF or Kindle.

(1) copy of 250 Things You Should Know About Writing in PDF or Kindle.

(1) Penmonkey postcard sent to you via Jolly Olde Snail Mail, and on this postcard I will ink a random thought about writing all for you. I might also pass out on the postcard and smear it with drool.

Here, then, is how you get that.

Drop down into the comments.

Write a story using three sentences.

My favorite gets the package.

You have one day — I’ll check back here at 2pm EST tomorrow (24 hours from now) and will pick.

And thank you again, awesome humans. You tickle this little inkslinger’s pink parts.

Go forth and write boldly.

[EDIT: See comments for results!]