As noted on Monday, I was trying a little experiment: I flung my Atlanta Burns novella, SHOTGUN GRAVY, up onto Amazon’s exclusive Kindle “KDP Select” program which purports to offer authors two key benefits: first, the ability to take part in Kindle lending which further grants authors access to a large “pot” of money monthly; second, the advantage (or, some might say, “advantage”) of putting your work up online for free.

As of late, a number of folks have noticed a phenomenon. You put your work up for free, and then when it once more re-enters paid gravity, suddenly the book becomes a Purchasing Magnet whereupon droves and flocks and herds and gaggles of Amazon readers come out of the woodwork to buy the recently-free book. A lot of authors have been attempting to jump this promotion’s bones (evidenced by the sudden flurry of “My work is free suddenly!” broadcasts).

Well, I figured, let’s try it.

SHOTGUN GRAVY‘s a novella that did well in its first month but kind of tapered off — it gets a sale or three a day, which is fine and adds to the whole pile, but it’s not exactly a rocketship to the money moon. Further, if I’m going to justify putting out the sequel, BAIT DOG, I figured I damn well better get the book into people’s hands. Free or not.

I originally put the book up for five days. You only get one five-day-period during your 90-day reign of exclusivity, however — so, I figured, I’d better chop it down to two.

Here’s how it went.

Putting the book up for free amassed a sudden burst of books distributed (I dare not use the word “sold” since, well, you don’t pay for a free book with anything but a stab of your finger on a mouse button). Right out of the gate, had about 100 people nab the book. Which was curious — where the hell did they come from? Are they real people? I don’t even know.

Over the course of the next 24 hours, I amassed over 5000 copies distributed free to readers. A nice enough number. Happy to have the book on a heap of Kindles, though one supposes that a good percentage of those will never read the book — perhaps I’m being cynical, but I know that the less I pay for a book, the lower it falls in my To-Be-Read pile. By yesterday morning, the book had reached #44 in the Top 100 Free and so I thought, now’s a good time to cut short the five days to two days. I went to end it thinking that I’d still get two full days of the promo — but within 30 minutes of asking the promo to end, it ended, lickity-split.

Which is fine, but I didn’t expect it to work that fast. Amazon can be notorious for veeeeeery sloooowly updating things — even a simple price change can take up to 48 hours to populate.

So, then. Results?

I did not initially see any boost in sales. Hour or two went by and the e-book didn’t move one whit. But then, ping — a sale. Okay, fine. Then another, and another. Steadily — and slowly, mind — the e-book sold about 60 copies. (This is as of 7:00PM last night.) It’s since not moved again in about an hour. The book crested to Amazon ranking #1,793. Further, it garnered another six reviews during that period (all four- and five-star).

(I’d politely ask that if you procured my book — or any book! — for free, leave a review upon reading it?)

Now, many have reported that a bigger sales boost occurs two to three days after the free promo ends. Not sure if that’ll happen here, but I’m damn sure gonna keep my eyes peeled.

Assessment of results?

Good, I guess. I’m happy to have the novella in the hands of 5000 more theoretical readers. I would have preferred they pay the buck for it, but if that means I’ve got more folks willing to chip in for BAIT DOG or other work of mine, that’s great.

This leads to the question, did I experience a sales boost of my other e-books?

I did not.

Quite the contrary, actually.

Soon as I triggered the free promo, my e-book sales over that two-day period were cleanly halved in twain. That’s kinda weird. I mean, I have no evidence that it has anything to do with the free promo — why would it? Surely it’s coincidence. Only thing I can think of is that there seems to exist some strange internal Amazon promotional algorithm that us Human Beings cannot access lest it overload our mental circuitry. Something about how books achieve rankings and show up under other books and appear on the main page and so on and so forth. If this is true, one could theorize that triggering the SG free promo… I dunno, rearranged the promotional eggs in the digital egg basket Amazon built for me.

Which makes little sense, but there it is.

We’ll see if sales rebound. Gods, I hope so — January has been a really stupendous month in terms of getting the e-books out there. Which leads me to…

Brand New E-Book Promo

Buy any of the following books on writing during the month of February:

CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY

REVENGE OF THE PENMONKEY

500 WAYS TO BE A BETTER WRITER

And I’ll comp you a copy of:

250 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WRITING.

If you procure via PDF, you don’t need to do anything. You’ll get 250 Things automatically.

If you procure via other methods (Amazon, B&N), send me proof of purchase to:

terribleminds at gmail.

Other Stuff

Let’s see, let’s see…

Just finished the first official (third unofficial) draft of MOCKINGBIRD. Off to the Robot!

Will today also finish the first draft of DINOCALYPSE NOW.

The Washington Post calls me a “death blogger” and “macabre mastermind” in a piece about my collaborative storytelling and art Tumblr project, This Is How You Die. Reminder, of course, that the How You Die blog is always taking submissions — text, photo, song, art of any variety, all about how you might die. (More information here.)

I also get a shout-out at Huffington Post courtesy of Amy Edelman and Melissa Foster in a piece called, “The Big Reasons Indie Authors Aren’t Taken Seriously.”

BLACKBIRDS gets its first official review (from Fantasy Nibbles, tee hee) — and it’s glowing! (“…a truly unforgettable heroine driving the action. The writing is razor sharp throughout, and I’m genuinely concerned that I might be a little bit messed up for enjoying this one so much.”)

Oh, and then the book gets another glowing review from New York Journal of Books! Woo. (“Author, screenwriter, and writing advice guru Chuck Wendig creates a compelling tale with an even more compelling protagonist in Miriam Black: a tough, street wise survivor who finally escapes her troubled childhood only to find that she can’t escape herself. Despite her fairly macabre lifestyle, Miriam has a strength and sarcastic wit that makes her very likeable and strangely sympathetic.”)

And My Bookish Ways throws DOUBLE DEAD into the review machine and gives it a 5 outta 5, baby. (“Double Dead is a terrifying, violent, American road trip through zombie hell.”)

Finally, TALES FROM THE FAR WEST — a rad-ass Wild West Wuxia mash-up short story collection based on Gareth Skarka’s Far West storyworld drops in e-book format (and soon, print). I’m in here surrounded by some of my favorite people — Will Hindmarch, Eddy Webb, Ari Marmell, Matt Forbeck, Jason Blair. My story — “Riding the Thunderbird” — is about a girl, an outlaw, and a herd of storming thunderbirds.

“Blackbirds is a horror story, a traveling story, a story of loss and what it takes to make things right.  It’s a story about fate and how sometimes, if we wrestle with it hard enough, maybe we can change it.  Blackbirds is the kind of book that doesn’t let go even after you’ve put it down and nobody else could have made it shine like Chuck Wendig.” — Stephen Blackmoore, author, City of the Lost and Dead Things

Psst.

Hey, you.

That’s right, BLACKBIRDS is now up for pre-order.

You can pre-order at Amazon.

You can pre-order at B&N.

An e-book is in the cards, of course, but you can’t pre-order that. Not yet, anyway.

It’s a buck cheaper at B&N, but my assumption is that discount will also be the case at Amazon. (Amazon has that pre-order price guarantee, wherein you’ll get any price drops that occur between now and delivery.)

Why pre-order? For one, it lets the publisher know of demand for the book. That’s valuable information. For two, it lets the publisher know of demand for the author — and that’s good to know, too.

Got other cool things in the works for BLACKBIRDS, including two special treats at the back of the book. But I shan’t talk about those — not yet, anyway.

If you’re looking for fiction from yours truly right now, I might recommend:

SHOTGUN GRAVY, about a troubled teen girl taking on some high school bullies with naught but spunk, grit, and a .410 scattergun. (Oh, and Adderall!)

Or:

DOUBLE DEAD, about a pissed-off vampire who awakens only to discover that most of his food supply has been turned to the shambling undead. He must transition from predator to shepherd to protect his food supply. This ain’t Twilight, folks: the only way Coburn glitters is if he kills and eats a stripper.

And that’s all she wrote. Thanks, folks!

Okay, first thing out of the gate is –

HOLY CRAP BLACKBIRDS COVER.

If I could bedazzle that, make it pulse, blink, throw in a bunch of interrobangs, have the letters get up and work-it work-it on the stripper pole, Sweet Molly McGoggins, I would. Because it’s a helluva cover.

I’m a lucky dude with a cover like that.

Miriam Black, realized.

Oh so many tiny images contained within that one. Beautiful. Beautiful!

And a cover like that is thanks to the Mighty Artification Powers of Joey Hi-Fi, who also did the award-winning cover to Lauren Beukes’ ZOO CITY (a book if you haven’t read, you need to correct ASAMFP).

Bow down to him.

Thanks to the mighty bibliomantium overlords at Angry Robot for making such a killer cover happen.

Writing Advice Snidbit

Right quick, I posted this on the Twittertubes and the Google-Doubleplusgoods yesterday, and so I thought I’d just pop it up here as a tiny li’l snidbit of dubious writing wisdom:

When writing a 1st draft, duck your head low and bolt for the finish line. Don’t stop. Don’t blink. Follow the map far as it takes you.

Know that the book will be born during rewrites. When you break its carapace and find the true beast beneath the old ruined skin.

It’s okay when your map, the plan, the outline, fails you. That’s good. Sometimes roads are closed for a reason. Don’t freeze. Keep writing.

Remember: slow and steady wins the race when rocking that first draft. Even 1k a day gets you your draft in under three months.

Also, something-something-porn-whiskey-dopamine-killyourdarlings-cthulhu-fthnagn-poop-noise. Now shut up and write.

Do with that as thou wilt. Share! Discuss! Debate! Dispute!

Allonsy, Alonzo!

Why I Write

LA Gilman pointed out that today is, apparently, the National Day Of Writing, and so you can head over to Twitter and use the hashtag #whyiwrite to, well, describe why you write.

For me, it’s simple:

Writing is how I tell stories, and telling stories is how I communicate myself to the world. I am my stories and my stories are me and just as civilizations used mythology to explain themselves and their world, I use storytelling and writing to explain myself and my world, and transmit that idea via the penmonkey frequency to all who care to intercept it. That is, of course, the philosophical side.

The practical side is, Mommy gets a what-what and needs money, and writing is how I get that money. Sorry to crass it up with commerce, but trust me, writing is a pretty fangasmic way of earning a living.

Hop over to Twitter or tell us in the comments:

Why do you write?

Penmonkey Incitement Level Up Ding!

Holy crap, the Penmonkey Incitement is up to 442/1000 copies of COAFPM sold.

Which means we crossed the 400 mark.

Which means I need to give away:

Another postcard.

Another t-shirt.

Another penmonkey critique of someone’s writing.

It also means that after another 58 sales, I’m going to give away a Kindle.

I’m going to wait until tomorrow morning, at this time (9AM EST) to pick the winners, thus giving you folks a chance to get your names into the hat if you haven’t already. Diggit?

So, to those who have procured the book via PDF: you don’t need to do anything.

Those who have procured it via Amazon or B&N, well, you need to make sure I know about it. Send me proof of purchase to terribleminds at gmail dot com.

Also be advised that buying CONFESSIONS or REVENGE OF THE PENMONKEY during the month of October also earns you a free copy of 250 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WRITING. Again, though, if you bought via Amazon or B&N, you need to contact me at the above email address to make sure I know you bought it. I ain’t psychic.

Ch-Chak, Boom! Shotgun Gravy Has Arrived

I’m sure you noticed this, but SHOTGUN GRAVY arrived on Amazon, B&N, and here at terribleminds.

As of this moment, I’ve crossed the 100 sales mark, which is where I hoped to be. The first day was a little tepid but I think that’s because it was a Friday (and a Friday in which a new iPhone dropped — hell, half the day I was trying to get mine activated, so I get it). I’ve gotten emails and tweets from people who seem to not just like it, but really love it, which is overwhelmingly awesome. The story means a lot to me and I hope people take a chance on it.

If it sells steadily, I’d say BAIT DOG is a good bet for December-ish.

If sales hit the wall — well, who knows?

If you find my promos of SHOTGUN GRAVY ever get too loud (they will die back soon enough, I assure you), please poke me in the ribs and politely ask that I cool it down. It’s hard being a self-published author in particular because you’re forced to be a one-man-marketing-machine, and the line between “Helpful Advertising!” and “Annoying Spamfuck!” gets real blurry, real quick-like.

Obviously if you liked the book, please do leave a review and share with your friends how much you dug it.

Inner Views And Udder Links

Hey, look, ma, you can hear my voice at various places!

First up: The Mighty Maven Of Word-Making, Mur “The Murder” Lafferty interviews me over at her podcast, ISBW (I Should Be Writing). Check it out riiiiight here.

Second up: Sexy svelte storyteller extraordinaire J.C. “The Rabbit Hutch” Hutchins has me visit at his site where we dig into some transmedia chatter. Check that out at this underlined linky-thing.

If you have not read the first chapter of DOUBLE DEAD, then you will note that Flames Rising has posted that very thing. Want to preorder? Go right ahead. Coburn is coming.

I’ve got a story in THE NEW HERO (Vol I), featuring a thug enforcer for the quite-literal Underworld, Mookie “The Meatman” Pearl. Robin Laws edited, and Gene Ha did the cover:

…and if you look at the bottom row and see a big dude with a meat cleaver, that’s Mookie. It’s a story I’m really proud of and was a fuuuhuuuhuuuuuckin’ hoot to write. Hopefully the same to read.

I know, right? Two awesome covers in one day.

My khakis, they are shellacked.

So by now, you may have heard the news:

I am writing a SPIRIT OF THE CENTURY novel for Evil Hat games.

If it works out, I might be writing three of them, actually.

The first begins with –

DINOCALYPSE NOW!

All I’m saying is:

Psychic dinosaurs.

1935.

Get your head around that.

And once you have your head around it, I’ve some questions to ask you.

First up: if you’re a fan of the old pulps — and a fan of crazy adventure and pulp heroes and weird science and all that good stuff — then I gotta ask, what would you hope to see in a new pulp novel?

Second, if you’re a fan of SPIRIT OF THE CENTURY, what defines that game to you? What are the essential ingredients to any SotC adventure — both the adventure that unfolds with dice at your game table and the adventure that might unfold in, say, a novel? I’ve got a synopsis of the novel written down, but thus far I’ve got a lot of uncharted spaces. Which is why I’m here, looking to you to distill down what you feel — as a fan of the game — best embodies the awesomeness that is SPIRIT OF THE CENUTURY.

I’ll hang up and wait for your answer.

*click*

Obligatory THE LIFE OF THE WENDIGO post incoming.

Alert your state government. Hide your sisters.

The Penmonkey’s Revenge

You may have noticed that –

Drum roll please.

REVENGE OF THE PENMONKEY is now on sale. For $2.99, you get a boatload of writing advice and penmonkey satire. In addition, you get a 10k “memoir” by yours truly about the life of a writer and the lessons learned, and you also get a brand spanking new Writer’s Prayer (“Time to load the guns, brew the ink, and go to work. Because I am a writer, and I am done fucking around.”) Further, if you procure this week, I’ll toss you a free copy of 250 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WRITING. These e-books are how I finance the existence of terribleminds, so in advance I thank you for procuring a copy and spreading the word. Your procurement options are as follows:

Kindle (US): Buy Here

Kindle (UK): Buy Here

Nook: Buy Here

Or, buy the PDF ($2.99) by clicking the BUY NOW button:

Speaking Of Penmonkeys

Jay-zeus, that was fast.

COAFPM is now up to 307 sales sold since I started the Incitement Program.

That means it’s time to give away another t-shirt and postcard.

I will pick both tomorrow morning in the comment section of this post.

Look for it!

Holy Shit, New Double Dead Cover

You click that cover, you’ll be taken to the artist’s site — the cover is by the inimitable PYE PARR. From there you can make with the clicky-clicky to see a larger version and a version without the text.

In other words: fucking awesome.

That cover makes me want to jump out of my chair and run around town draining ladies left and right with my pointy teeth. All I have to say is, this November, Coburn is coming.

Pre-order, if you’re so inclined.

The Little Human Now Laughs

On Sunday night, my three-month-old son laughed for the first time.

I mean, he’s laughed before, but it’s kind of been this gasping squeak. But last night was a bonafide giggle, all because his mother was bouncing him around on her knee. HOLY SHIT did he love it. I’ve got video of it I’ll have to cut up and post at some point — he was in some state of unbridled baby bliss. And now I know the truth: his laughter is like heroin, and here we are, ever-chasing that high. Probably from today until we perish. We will always be chasing that dragon, and all the laughs hence will not be as delightful as that first, most primal, laugh. The cross that parents must bear is becoming all the clearer.

It was so adorable, though, my teeth rotted out of my head and my body stopped producing insulin.

Foodboy

Been a while since I did a proper food post, yeah? I’ll have to get back on that. Anybody got any recipes to share? I could use to play with new recipes, so whatever you’ve got, toss at me.

I’ll tell you one thing that gets me by some lunches:

Flour tortillas.

Take one of those and it’s suddenly like you’re motherfucking Lunchtime Picasso. You can try anything in those things. I just grab all kinds of crap from my fridge and chuck it in there. Boom. Lunchalicious.

Here’s two things I’m fond of:

First, take an avocado. Slice it up. Layer a bit of cottage cheese over a flour tortilla. Lay the avocado on top. Salt the avocado. Spritz it with a quarter-lime. Dash of hot sauce. Grate cheese if you have any, and if you have turkey, you can laythat on there, too. Roll up. Shove into face until you are moaning in delight.

Second, chop up any fresh veggies you got laying around. My most recent concoction was summer squash, green beans, bell pepper, and onion. Saute in olive oil — get the onion and bell pepper soft, first. Then the rest of your veggies go into the ring. Salt, pepper, any herbs you have — I totally recommend fresh basil in there. Though, add the basil late, or it can lose some of its phatty garden-fresh flava. (Phresh? Phlava? I dunno. Shut up.) Then take that and shove it into a flour tortilla, and cram that into your food-hole. Bonus points: add in some Gochujang sauce in there.

Have you had this stuff? I am a Sriracha fan, but I think I like this more. Korean. Fermented soy. Has a stronger flavor beyond just heat — though it has that crucial zing, too. Great on, well, anything. Anything. A hot dog? A hamburger? A taco? A stir-fry? My creamy inner thighs? All of the above.

Anyway. There you go.

Googolplus

G+ continues to be a curious experiment. On the one hand, it’s fairly slow — a tepid flow of “social media updates.” Sometimes the feeds from my circles feels downright inert. Stagnant water sitting.

But I’m starting to see that as a feature, not a bug. Because when someone does drop something into the ecosystem, it generates a lot of activity and discussion. Like, in a forum, you wouldn’t want endless topics being added so fast you can’t keep up with them, right? You’d want a measured pace with lots of activity in the forums, not outside.

This is that, I think. And it continues to confirm for me just what Goo-Plus is good at:

Conversation and discussion.

It’s not all there, yet. This pie is only half-baked. Even still, you get the sense that the LORDS OF GOOGLE might have more in store. Only time will tell. What’s everybody else think?

The Sub-Genre Tango

Flash fiction! With a prize! Of an edit! Of up to 3000 words!

I’m ready to declare a winner: Josh Loomis. If only because of his use of the phrase “taco-hole.”

Josh, contact me. Getchoo set up with an edit from yours truly, sir.

Upcoming Projects

I think you know about most of what I got cooking.

Did you hear that I’m writing a novel based on the SPIRIT OF THE CENTURY RPG under the vigilant gaze of Evil Hat’s Fred Hicks? It’s true! I’m very excited about this. Pulp-tastic heroic awesomeness.

Amy Houser is also working on a cover for my first Atlanta Burns novella, SHOTGUN GRAVY. Soon as she’s done with that the e-book will go live. I’ve got all four novellas outlined.

Got the first draft of my YA-ish corn-punk novel POPCORN back from the agent. Going through it now, picking nits, combing knots, hacking off limbs left and right. Fingers crossed.

I’ve got other irons in the fire, see if some of them won’t get hotty-burny-melty soon enough.

How about you people? Whatchoo got going on? How’s your writing going? Share and share alike.

*tap tap tap*

Is this thing on?

From today (Monday) to one week from today (next Monday, Aug 22nd), if you buy a copy of CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY, I will comp you a PDF copy of 250 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WRITING. If you buy the PDF of COAFPM, I’ll just send you a copy of the other e-book automagically. If you buy COAFPM via Kindle or Nook, you will need to email me at terribleminds [at] gmail [dot] com with proof-of-purchase. Easy-peasy boop-und-squeezy.

In case you’ve been hiding under a rock and avoiding my irritating broadcasts, COAFPM is a mega-ultra-head-crushing tome of writing advice. By yours truly. (But I assume you knew that much.)

CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY

$4.99 at Amazon (US), Amazon (UK), B&N, PDF

Now, if you want updates as to what I’m working on? Or where you can find me?

Let’s see…

I’ve got a new White Wolf project in the works that I’m developing — a little something-something called A House Divided. I’m also on as writer for another WW project down the road, as-yet-unmentioned.

I’m hammering out MOCKINGBIRD, the sequel to BLACKBIRDS.

I just finished the second (and presumably final) edit on DOUBLE DEAD.

The first Atlanta Burns novella — SHOTGUN GRAVY — is cooling its heels while I plan the second and third novellas. Then I intend to release them one after the other, a month or so apart.

The film continues baking. Zeroing in on casting. Saw some cool new storyboards for the piece.

Got a second film moving into treatment phase this week.

The TV show remains defunct.

I’ve got a short story — one of my favorites I’ve ever written, thanks to some direction from editor Robin Laws — in a collection called THE NEW HERO (vol 1). Just saw the cover from Gene Ha, and wow.

Have various other novels in various other stages of possibility.

Contemplating various things:

a) Starting work on a comic project

b) A Kickstarter project for an anthology of really cool writers doing really cool things.

c) Seeing if I can scare up some video game work.

d) Seeing if I can’t scare up some new transmedia work.

(Which reminds me: as always, if you have work for me, I remain eager and available.)

Now, your turn.

Throw out some updates. How’re you doing? Whatchoo working on? Share with the world.

I wanna be excited about your stuff.

*whistles innocently*

Angry Robot Books is going to publish my novel, BLACKBIRDS.

I’ll let that sink in.

They’re also going to publish its followup, the tentatively titled: MOCKINGBIRD.

I’ll let that sink in, too.

That sound? The one you hear? Not just in your ear, but in the deep squishy pockets of your mind?

Yeah. That’s me. Screaming with mirth. Cackling like mad. Singing some forbidden hymn to whatever ancient gods decorated my brow with their blessed seed and let fortune favor a wee bearded penmonkey such as myself. I’m dancing. I’m grinning.

I’m lacquering my lederhosen.

BLACKBIRDS has been Out There for a good while now. It’s been ping-ponging from editor to editor. It’s been collecting lovely rejection after lovely rejection, all of them hinting that it deserves to find a home and will some day, but over time, with every month falling off the calendar you start to feel like, “Oh, ohhh, fuck, it’s not going to happen, is it? I’m either going to have to drop it in a box somewhere or self-pub it.”

So, to be picked up by Angry Robot — publisher of some, I mean, c’mon, truly astounding writers? Lauren Beukes? Matt Forbeck? Mike Shevdon? And they’ve also picked up fellow DMLA-ers Adam Christopher and Chris F. Holm? I’m over the moon to be lumped in with that level of talent. My goal is simply not to poop up the place. Here’s a clue how much I love Angry Robot: every since they were made manifest in this plane of existence and began showing up in bookstores, I would constantly go over, pick up their books and say to whomever was standing nearby (my wife, a stranger, a pet goat): “Holy shit, this looks awesome.” Every time. Great authors. Killer concepts. Incredible covers that look like nothing else on the shelves. Plus, they’re incredibly author-friendly, and how can you not love an ecosystem like that?

BLACKBIRDS features a character near and dear to my heart. A character whose struggles are fundamental and human but are reflected in a paranormal condition that exemplifies some far bigger, far weirder shit: fate versus free will, life versus death, what hair dye to choose, and so forth. Miriam Black — the protagonist of these books — is deeply troubled, very angry, and a total pill. But she’s funny, too, and foul-mouthed as anything. It’s great, because I actually care about her. One of my earliest note files when I was conceiving this character was titled, quite simply, “Poor Miriam.” Because I felt awful for the cross I’d strapped to her back and forced her to bear. I had nothing but sympathy and guilt for what I was going to do to her.

(That cross, for the record, is the ability to see how and when someone will die just by touching them. Fate and death, ever-present with naught but the contact of skin on skin.)

Good times.

So, not only does Miriam get one book, but she gets what I hoped she always would: the chance to carry her misanthropic “spit-in-the-eye-of-fate” attitude into other adventures.

Thanks to those who have supported the book all this time. Thanks to Jason Blair and Matt Forbeck for suggesting Angry Robot as a home to begin with. Thanks to Stephen Susco, my screenwriting mentor, who helped me hammer the shit out of this story way back when. Thanks to my wife, who for some reason always seemed to believe in me. And thanks to my kick-ass rock-star of an agent, Stacia Decker, who rocket-launched this through the ionosphere.

And thanks to Angry Robot. Marc Gascoigne, Lee Harris. Gentlemen. Scholars. Biblionauts.

Look for BLACKBIRDS in April/May 2012.

And MOCKINGBIRD not long after.

In Other News…

COAFPM continues to sell very well. Been out for not-quite-one-month now, and it’s sold ~260 copies. Because of the slightly higher price point, it means I’m fast approaching what I’ve earned over four-to-five months with IRREGULAR CREATURES (but that collection has seen a boost since COAFPM‘s release, which is nice). Together the two have paid a couple mortgage payments, so I can’t say boo to that.

IRREGULAR CREATURES has 36 four- and five-star reviews at Amazon, which is incredible. Fills me with giddy bubbles. Or maybe that’s just gas. Even still, thanks all to have bought and loved the collection. Means a lot to me. I hope that more Cat-Bird will show up in the future.

COAFPM – well, I wouldn’t complain if it got some more reviews over there. It’s standing at three reviews at present, and would love to see more added if you’ve read it, enjoyed it, and have the time.

In related news: Andrew Jack interviews me over at his space.

DOUBLE DEAD is back from a first pass edit, and — holy shit! — it doesn’t suck. Looking forward to getting a second major copy-edit through. Jon Oliver and Jenni Hill at Solaris/Abaddon are incredible folks to work with, and I am very pleased that DD is in such excellent hands.

I’m nabbing some secret hush-hush work at my old stomping ground, White Wolf Game Studios. Developing something pretty cool for them which is all about [REDACTED].

Still bouncing my wibbly-wobbly baby-schedule in terms of writing. Some days the word count trickles. Other days, it floods. I was able to finish a new novel — codename: POPCORN — by churning through a 9,000 word writing day last Friday, so that was exciting.

Also planning a series of novellas to release over the course of the summer. Kind of crimey, I guess? High school? Not-quite-noir? Veronica Mars, but more violent? Something like that. Interested?

And that’s all she wrote, folks.

Thanks for reading.

EDIT: Today, Abaddon is also posting the first chapter of DOUBLE DEAD for those who care to read it.

#coburniscoming

“No seriously, he’s not fucking around, you really don’t want to be a writer. But if you’re mad enough to decide that you do, Wendig will be your gonzo-esque guide, from the technical advice about structure, query letters and submissions, to dealing with agents and editors and how to make your characters do as they’re damn well told, he’s full of good advice. Like a cursing, booze-soaked Virgil to your Dante, let him show you around. Buy this book, your editor will thank you.”

– Jenni Hill, Editor, Solaris Books

Dear Word-Herders and Ink-Slingers: CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY is now available for your eyeholes and e-readers across multiple platforms.

Let’s get this part out of the way, right now. Here, then, are your options for procurement:

Kindle (US): Buy Here

Kindle (UK): Buy Here

Nook: Buy Here

Or, buy the PDF ($4.99) by clicking the BUY NOW button:

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

If you’re on the fence, I give you five reasons to nab this book.

1. “I’m Here, Aren’t I?”

CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY is the distillation of writing advice found here at terribleminds — so, I’m going to ahead and safely assume that you dig this site which should also mean you’re doing to dig this book. CONFESSIONS features 50+ essays taken from the pages of this blog. Each essay is polished up and revamped, given a new coat of paint and in some cases, additional content. Further, each essay is also accompanied by “commentary” from yours truly, in which I add additional thoughts, change my mind about things, argue with myself, or ruminate on the value of statements like “rage-fuck a pumpkin.” Finally, the book offers other snidbits, including a “20 Questions” session with yours truly, in which I answer questions put forth by you most excellent readers.

2. “By The Power Of Grayskull That’s A Lot Of Bang For My Buck!”

The book features over 100,000 words of content. The PDF is over 300 pages. You get a mega-ultra-shit-ton of content that covers topics like: writing query letters, editing, rewriting, outlining, applying structure, waking up pantsless and ink-stained in Tijuana, utilizing theme, writing sex scenes, handling rejections, penning a good ending for your story, and so on. Further, it goes beyond advice on writing and publishing and offers issues that pop up like incontinent gophers during the writer’s life (should you write for free, should you self-publish, how to manage the hornet’s nest of crazy inside your crazy writer brain).

All for just shy of five bucks.

Now, you might be saying: “Chuck, I would like that book to be cheaper.” To which I respond, “I am very sorry, but it is not cheaper. I would also like a clockwork llama, but times are tough.”

My hope is that you do not consider five bucks a too-expensive price. Many things of ephemeral value cost more than this: a Starbucks drink, a fast food meal, a bag of candy, a “handie” from one of the callus-handed hobos down at the park. All things that are over and done in a matter of minutes. This book should last you…

*does some quick math using a pile of M&Ms*

…at least 17 years. Give or take 16 years.

That’s a pretty sweet deal.

3. “I Trust What These Other Awesome Humans Have To Say.”

Check it out. Some really cool people have said some really cool things. Don’t you like these cool people? You do want to be cool, don’t you? I’m just saying — they’re all ‘doing it.’

“Chuck Wendig has done what so many authors desperately need and will never admit: offered a phenomenal book about the real world of writing, and made it reachable and readable by anyone. His terribleminds blog guided me through good days and bad, provided advice and much-appreciated laughter throughout the whole, often painful, process. I’m thrilled to have his brain trapped in Confessions of a Freelance Penmonkey, and I’ll be referring to the squishy gray-matter of his brilliance often.

If it weren’t for Chuck Wendig’s advice, I’d have fallen off the writing map long ago. This is the book you want stapled to your chest when you march into the battle of authorship! An absolute must-read for anyone even thinking of dabbling with words for a living.”

– Karina Cooper, Author of Blood of the Wicked

“Chuck Wendig’s Confessions of a Freelance Penmonkey is full of the kind of writing advice I wish I’d gotten in school. Practical, brutally honest, and done with the kind of humor that will make it stick in your brain. Whether you’re a veteran writer or new to the craft, you’ll find something useful in here.

Plus he says ‘fuck’ a lot, so, you know, there’s that.”

– Stephen Blackmoore, author of City of the Lost

“In Confessions of a Freelance Penmonkey, Chuck Wendig hammers out writing and career advice that’s always brave, profane, creative, clever, and honest. And don’t forget hilarious. You’ll never laugh so hard learning so much.”

– Matt Forbeck, game designer and author of Vegas Knights

“These days, a kind word is regarded with suspicion. A supportive gesture is mistrusted. An altruistic move never is. We live in a time where cynics ignore the saccharine of Chicken Soup books and accept hugs only from Mother, and only when we’re drunk and crying. When a writer hits cynical, drunken, mother-hugging rock bottom, that’s when they need Chuck Wendig’s raw, no-holds barred advice. This is not for the faint of heart. But then again, neither is writing.”

– Mur Lafferty, host of ISBW (I Should Be Writing) podcast, editor of Escape Pod, author of Playing For Keeps

“Despite being irreverent, vulgar, and funny, Chuck Wendig is also surprisingly profound. From one wordslinger about another, Chuck is the real deal and every prospective or working writer should read Confessions of a Freelance Penmonkey. Hell, the ‘Writer’s Prayer’ alone is worth the price of admission.”

– Jennifer Brozek, Author of The Little Finance Book That Could

“About the only thing harder than being a writer is trying to capture the utter insanity that truly is the writer’s life. In Confessions of a Freelance Penmonkey, Chuck Wendig does just that. You’ll be laughing, crying, shouting and grimacing, but most of all, you’ll feel the deep resonance of hearing the truth in all of its sarcastic, profane and comedic glory. If you want to be a better writer, or just want to be inspired by one of the best takes on writing I’ve ever read, do yourself a favor and buy Confessions.”

– Daniel Ames, author of Feasting at the Table of the Damned

4. “I Love Terribleminds So Much, I Want To Make It Rain With One-Dollar Bills!”

You may be saying, “Well, fuckadang, Wendig, I come here every day and have been for the last two years, and every one of those days you have some fresh content that costs me naught but me checking my shame at the door — oh, and occasionally wrestling with the corporate cyber-Dobermans that prevent NSFW content from getting through to my goddamn computer — and here I am with the chance to get a sexy e-book version of your most popular writing advice posts here and so I do believe I must take you up on that offer. Besides, since I’m a writer-type, this is a tax deductible purchase for me, isn’t it? So, here you go, boy. Shake that booty can. Let me crumble up these five one-dollar bills into little origami boulders and pitch them at your gyrating banana hammock. Yeah. Nngh. Shake that fountain pen, bitch.”

5. “Because Wendig’s An Asshole And He Wants Me To Feel Guilty.”

In a few weeks my wife is — fingers crossed — going to, ahem, “accept a baby delivery from a jaunty stork wearing a postman’s uniform” (that’s how it works, right? I feel asleep during the videos I was supposed to watch), which means before too long I’m going to be responsible for feeding and clothing a whole other human besides myself. I can barely change my own diapers. If you don’t buy CONFESSIONS, then that baby will starve. That’s just how it is. You’re not going to say no to a cute little baby, are you? The cute little baby needs nom-noms. You can help put nom-noms on the baby’s plate. (And also, only you can stop forest fires, but that’s a different “guilt axis”). So, I’m left to believe that if you’re here reading all this delicious content but don’t want to pay anything toward it, then your only goal in life is to passively harm infants. That’s not cool, man. Not cool. (Okay, I’m just kidding. No guilt. I’ll just feed the kid leaves and squirrel meat.)

Will It Ever Be In Print?

Ennnh? I dunno. Right now, it’s e-book only. I might noodle around with Lulu or Createspace, or I’m alternately considering doing a real intense version that also features some of my writing-related photography. If anybody has opinions on this or information geared toward this subject, note that my ears are tilted toward you. I am eager to accept your frequency. Which is not a euphemism: please stop fiddling with the zipper on your pants.

What If I Don’t Want To Give Money To The Man?

Just to clarify, I am a man, but not the man.

And by “the” man, I assume you mean Amazon, or Barnes & Noble.

You can procure the PDF directly from me, as noted above.

Hell, if you want, I’ll even digitally autograph it. Just be sure to let me know when ordering!

If you buy PDF, note the process is: PayPal sends me an email usually within an hour (often much more quickly), and when I get it, I bounce you the PDF directly via email. No DRM or anything nutty.

I choose no DRM on all my e-books. Thus, if you’re so inclined to pirate, well, I can’t stop you.

What Else Can I Do?

Let’s see.

a) I’ll give out review copies where appropriate. Hit me up using the Contact Form.

b) A review somewhere — Amazon, B&N, GoodReads — would be lovely. I would of course love a positive review, but hey, I’m not the little man that pilots you. That’s on him.

c) I am of course available for interviews. Or guest-embloggenation. Or whatever you need. I will be your dancing monkey. I say “ook-ook.” I clap my cymbals together. For you. For you. Also, if you want to use the book in any kind of contest, bounce me a message, we can make that happen.

d) Above all else, just spread the word. Get on the Brainbook, the Twizzers, the Goblin Signal, whatever social media you frequent, and please tell them about this book. You would have my ultimate gratitude. I will send you imaginary cupcakes. Psychically. To your mind oven.

What Comes After This?

If this books sells well (by which it meets some vague uncertain metric of “earning out” — let’s say it earns me about five grand when all is said and done), then I’ll do another book of writing advice. Well, two, actually — another gathering of terribleminds posts, yes, but also, an original book about writing. Something a little more specific — like, say, the life-cycle of the novel.

Buy Today, Save A Kitten From Orbital Lasers

In a perfect world, a whole meth-addled flock of terribleminds readers will hurry out and snap up digital copies of CONFESSIONS at an unprecedented rate, thus giving my first-day sales a lightning bolt right up the colonic passage. Amazon and B&N’s servers will shit themselves and take out a couple city blocks. My book will be catapulted to the top of the charts, where it will be tongue-bathed by temple whores.

If you help to make that happen, then my many thanks.

Alternately, if you do any of the above things, including spreading the word, then also: big thanks.

This book wouldn’t be possible without the many daily readers of this website, and the fact you come back here day in and day out and help to bloat my already egregious ego is honestly very cool.

You’re all nice folks.

Thanks again, and if you buy the book, please to enjoy.

“Oh. Well. The usual.”

“Does that mean…?”

“Mm-hmm. Sitting here, scraping lint out of my belly button with a pistachio shell. Drinking gin out of a dirty pencil cup. Making things up inside my mind and then writing them down.”

“The sexy life of a writer.”

“The sexy life of a writer, indeed.”

*scrape scrape*

Let me ask up front: do you like these updates? Do you read them? Feel free to answer honestly (though, also, tactfully — please no, “Dear Shitbeard, I don’t give two rats fucking in a jizz-lacquered gym-sock whether or not you update us as to what’s going on in your life. Love, The Internet”). For now, however, I am left to rely on my ego to get me through the writing of this post. Hence: please enjoy the stuff I am doing.

Monsters With Uncertain Bowel Habits

It’s been, mmm, let’s see, two weeks since I said, “Hey, errrrbody, I’d like to pick up some more sweet sales of Irregular Creatures because it is a short story collection that features flying cats and hell-vaginas and it’ll make you laugh and it’ll make you cry and also I need to buy some more coffee soon so DEAR GOD PLEASE HELP ME.” I said I’d like to get another 400 sales and I also said I’d update you crazy kittens as to how that plan is doing. And so here I am. Update in hand.

Well, in two weeks time I’ve sold 76 copies, which is nice. Especially since the previous two weeks saw only about 20 copies sold. So, 76 out of 400 means I’m…  *counts on fingers, toes, nipples, nosehairs* just about 20% of the way toward my goal. That’s lovely, and thanks all for helping spread the word. Cat-Bird and the Magical Hobo Hermaphrodite thank you, too.

I must also thank Fred Hicks, who shouted out to Irregular Creatures over at Jim Butcher’s bloggery-space, and I’ve zero doubt that this shout-out also helped contribute to sales.

If you wish to procure Irregular Creatures directly through me, you can buy via THIS LINK via PayPal.

If you want it through Amazon (US), THIS LINK is your best friend.

If you’re across the pond, Amazon (UK) offers you THIS LINK right here, mate.

Thanks, too, for the many who’ve left amazing reviews on Amazon and Goodreads.

Where You Can Find Me

I’ve now contributed nine articles to The Escapist, with, I believe, a tenth on the way. You can find all my articles here, but were you inclined to see what I’ve been doing there recently, you might wanna check out:

First: How Games Get Zombies Wrong. A little ditty about how video games don’t quite grok the narrative potency of the zombie sub-genre, of which I am notably a fan.

Second: Evolution, Not Deviation. In which I discuss how when doing a sequel, it’s easy to do “more of the same,” but on the other hand, it’s dangerous to do different.

Speakazombies, a casual reminder that you can pre-order Double Dead from Amazon (Pre-Order US or Pre-Order UK). Described by me as, “A vampire in zombieland.”

Hey! Look. The Forsaken Chronicler’s Guide is out.

Human Tales is out. I’ve a short story in it!

What I’m Working On At Present

I’m working on a new novel while I wait for Double Dead edits. The new novel — CODENAME: SHUCK RAT — is coming along nicely. Too nicely. That’s how crazy we writers are — it’s going so well, I’m worried. “Why am I enjoying this? This feels so right. It’s not supposed to be right. Where’s my fear? Where’s my gut-churning acid-burn? Why isn’t my heart in my throat? Nurse. Nurse!”

I’ve got a cover coming in for Confessions of a Freelance Penmonkey as I finalize edits and add my own “director’s commentary” to the book. It’s a biggun. It’ll top 100k when all is said and done. Chocablock with writing advice and whatnottery. I’m loosely soliciting quotes from folks if anybody feels like blurbing the pants off this monkey motherfucker. Gimme a shout.

Got some film and new media projects bubbling on the stove.

Also will soon be open for summer work. You need a penmonkey, please do not hesitate to contact me. I work clean, fast, and friendly. Plus, I’m having a baby soon. Don’t make me shake him at you.

The baby is the other thing we’re working on. We now are loaded to bear with baby shower gifts. And something called a “diaper cake.” Which is not a delicious cake made of diapers. I mean, okay, fine, it’s adorable, but totally inedible. I know. I tried gumming that thing for hours. All it did was soak up every drop of saliva in my body. Absorbency, man. Absorbency.

Things I’m Enjoying

Almost through with Robert McCammon’s THE FIVE, which is an incredible psycho-horror rock opera as a band is hunted by a sniper. Totally different than anything McCammon has done.

Laughing at two new sitcoms: Workaholics on Comedy Central and Happy Endings on ABC.

Digging the new Beastie Boys album.

Portal 2 was crazy good.

Dragon Age 2 was crazy good, but in a different way.

And I think that’s all she wrote.

Beard the fuck on, friends.

Go forth and suck unicorn.

Been quite a week. Saw the last ultrasound of my son before he’ll be born (poor boy, he looks like me). Finished a script, which is now off into the wilds, trying to gather financing like a big Hollywood Katamari ball. Started early development on another film project. Sent off two novel synopses. Wrote like a mad motherfucker and finished the novel, Double Dead, topping out at ~90,000 words.

And then last night I get home from “baby class” — where we were injected with deep panic regarding car seats — to discover that Writer’s Digest has named this blog one of the 101 Best Websites For Writers.

First, I must extend a sincere thank you to the folks at Writer’s Digest. I don’t know who was responsible, exactly, but they should know that I appreciate it. A wonderful surprise.

That said, I must also extend with that a sincere warning, as well.

You have made a terrible error. A grievous error. (Man, “grievous” is a great word.)

You know how sometimes you have an out-of-control toddler or a dog with bad habits, and someone inevitably rewards the child or dog and then someone has to step in to say, “Don’t encourage him?”

Mm-hmm. This is like that.

Good heavens, why would you encourage me? It’s like pouring gas on a fire. No, not even that. It’s like giving meth to a grizzly bear. Then giving the grizzly bear a jetpack and a Turkish scimitar. No good is going to come of that. Sure, you want to see what the grizzly is going to do. But it’s just not safe. It’s not even sane.

That scenario has no positive outcome.

The only result of putting this site on such an estimable list confirms that you’ve filled my head with the airy delusions of legitimacy. It’s like you’ve handed me a license from the government, and printed on this license are the benefits of said licensing, and those benefits listed include:

“The right to make up writing advice and claim legitimacy despite only threadbare authority;”

“The right to fustigate readers about the head and neck with false bravado and eye-watering profanity;”

“The right to use words like ‘fustigate;’”

“The right to guzzle a pony’s weight in liquor while doing all of the above.”

You’ve not only unlocked the cage door. You’ve thrown the key into a dark and endless abyss. This will have terrible repercussions. Twenty years from now, I’m going to be telling my then-20-year-old-son something and he’s going to say, “Dad, I don’t know if that’s right, I don’t think anybody actually found the Humbaba from the Epic of Gilgamesh in Lake Erie. You’re just making that up.” And I’m going to whip out my copy of Writer’s Digest and point to the 101 Best Websites For Writers, and I’m going to just tap #43 gently and clear my throat obnoxiously, thus indicating my false expertise in everything everywhere ever always. And then my son is going to ask me, “Dude, what’s a website?” And I’ll answer, “It’s like a dinosaur, except with more pornography. And don’t call me ‘dude,’ I’m your father.”

Then he’ll ask me, “What’s a writer?”

And I’ll just cry and remind him that writers all went extinct in 2013 when the price of e-books hovered roughly around “one possum tail and a handful of dried leaves.”

So, haters who think I’m gonna shut up? Oooh. Yeah, sorry. Like I said, gas on a fire. Conflagration, whoosh. Now I’ve a whole head full of illusion, my ego like a fatted calf.

Those who continue to dig on this site, well, buckle up, penmonkeys. The ride is only just getting going. Turns out, terribleminds ain’t going nowhere.

Thank you again to Writer’s Digest.

Now –

RELEASE THE METH-GRIZZLY!

*raaaaaar*