Apple-Obsessed Author Fella

Tag: fiction (page 17 of 17)

Irregular Creatures: The Contest

A Flying Cat

See that cat? The one with the wings? C’mon. You can’t miss it.

You can win that cat.

That’s right. I’m giving away that winged cat figurine. My wife pointed it out the other day. I nabbed it. And I said, “Someone will have this cat. I will foist it upon them whether they like it or not.”

I mean, c’mon. How apropos. Irregular Creatures is home to… well, at a rough guess, hundreds of flying cats. And some cats that don’t fly, to boot. And one pussy, but we won’t talk about that.

So, here’s your chance to win that very flying cat figurine (value, $15.00) and a $10.00 Amazon gift certificate (value: $10.00, duh). Wanna know how?

You need to do two things:

a) Buy IRREGULAR CREATURES and give me some proof that you bought it. If you procure a PDF or ePub from me directly, that’s easy. Because, hey, I’ve got the proof right there. If you buy from Amazon, then ideally you’ll show me a glimpse of a receipt or you’ll snap a photo of you reading the e-book on your das crazy Kindlemaschine. Proof of purchase goes to: chuckwendig [at] terribleminds [dot] com. [EDIT: You don’t have to show me a receipt or a picture if you don’t want. Email me, and I’ll ask you a question about one of the stories, and you can toss me the answer. Dig?]

Then:

b) You’ll leave an IRREGULAR CREATURES review up at Amazon.com. It doesn’t have to be a positive review. Hey, you hated it the book, you hated it. I won’t make you give it a kick-ass review (though I’d certainly appreciate it). Obviously, I also want you to have read the collection before leaving a review.

That’s it.

You have one week to do this. This contest ends next Monday, January 31st, at 7:00AM.

I’ll pick one of you crazy cats and kittens at random. That person will receive the flying cat and the Amazon gift certificate (I’ll pay for shipping). I’ll ship the cat to you and probably just email you the certificate (unless you’d rather that be printed out and sent along).

This contest is only open to those who currently live in the United States. Not that I don’t love you fine feathered international peeps, but I can’t afford the $786.23 necessary to ship the little cat to, say, Shanghai.

If you have already procured the book and left a review, great. Just make sure I know you’re in the running by emailing me at the above address and flashing a little proof.

If I don’t get an email, I won’t know you’re in the contest. So: be sure to email me.

That’s it, kids. It’s that easy.

Buy the book.

Leave an Amazon.com review for it.

Then tell me that you did so I don’t have to use my psychic powers to discern your involvement.

Good luck.

You can buy IRREGULAR CREATURES

Here (PDF, ePub).

Amazon (Kindle).

Smashwords (ePub, PDF, etc.).

If you require a final sales pitch, well, here it is.

Irregular Creatures Cover, By Amy Hauser

Join The Story, Save The Infected: Pandemic at Sundance

2: Pandemic at Park City (Sundance 2011)

Did you hear the news? There’s a new flu bug going around.

It’s probably nothing to worry about.

Or is it?

People aren’t feeling well. Coughing, sneezing, stuffy noses, low-grade fevers.

They want to sleep. During the day, at least.

At night, the sickness changes form.

Those in its thrall might be seen sleep-walking. Or sleep-eating. Some hoard objects. Others wander the streets unaware. And this is only the beginning.

Rumor: Is it true that the flu only affects adults? What is it that makes an adult, anyway?

Park City is the nexus of the outbreak, but it’s happening everywhere.

And it’s only the second day.

You have 120 hours to become part of the story.

Tweet with the hashtag #pandemic11. Whether from your own account or another of your creation.

Follow the stories of our characters — characters like Anna, like Billy, like Bree. Or like the others. Look for the Twitter accounts with the yellow backgrounds and black numbers.

Tell your tale. Whether it’s one tweet or 100, maybe what you tell the world can save it from the spreading sickness. Or maybe it’ll be a record left behind by the next generation.

If they’re still alive. And if they’re still sane.

What do you see? Are you sick? Are your parents sick? Follow the story. Then tell your own.

Don’t forget to check the Hope Is Missing YouTube channel.

Or the Facebook page (check out the faces of the 50).

And if you’re on the ground at Park City: head to Mission Control at Sundance: New Frontier to see how you can make a difference. Maybe you even want to request a scare

Anatomy Of A Flying Cat: An Irregular Creatures Update

Irregular Creatures Cover, By Amy Hauser

The flying cats. They invade my dreams.

Okay, they don’t really. Last night though, I did have a dream where I had a sleepover — like you do in high school, except mysteriously, we were all adults. And instead of bringing a CD to listen to or your favorite Hanna Barbera pajamas, everybody had to bring a bladed weapon. I think we were on the lookout for a zombie attack? So I guess the sleepover was just a way to make the zombie apocalypse fun? I dunno.

I brought a camping machete. Leather sheath and all. It was very nice.

This is all irrelevant.

So! Irregular Creatures has reached the end of its first sales week. Okay, no, I didn’t advertise it until Wednesday, but dangit, it went up last Saturday. So, you shut up. No, you shut up! Stop touching me.

The Numbers

Sales-wise, I continue to be happy with the overall reports. As noted, I achieved profitability in the middle of the first day, and from that point haven’t looked back. Which is just an expression because clearly, I’m looking back with both vigor and scrutiny.

First day sales were brisk, as noted: Amazon (88), Amazon UK (7), PDF (15). Total of 110 sales.

Second day sales did a bit of an interesting flip-flip: PDF sales went up, while Amazon dropped. In fact, PDF sales out maneuvered all others that day: Amazon (13), Amazon UK (1), PDF (19). Total of 33.

Third day sales are at Amazon (7), Amazon UK (1), PDF (4). Total of 12.

Fourth day — Amazon (5), Amazon UK (0), PDF (1). Total of 6 sales.

No sales today, but it’s a wee smidge early, too.

Each day dropped by about 33% until the last, which saw a deeper 50% cut.

At present, we stand at 161 sales.

Random Thoughts

I went ahead and made some moves to try to, uhhh, “maximize my sales potential.” Eeeegh. I hate saying those words. I recognize the reality, but it’s one of those key things that will forever illustrate why self-publishing won’t totally dominate: many writers don’t want to become their own publisher. I don’t mind it, really, but trust me, the time and energy spent on this book? I’d rather have used it for writing.

I updated the Amazon description of the book on Thursday to include a description of each story. That still hasn’t populated here on Saturday morning. Amazon can be a wee bit slow.

I updated my Amazon Author Page.

I slapped a visual link to the right and updated the Books For Sale page above.

I updated my Goodreads author profile.

I have not yet played with Kindle Boards.

I’ve had some incredible reviews — some at Amazon, for instance. Cat-Bird stole Eric’s afternoon. The Unsanity Files describes the book as like nothing you’ve ever read.

The most glowing review comes, assuredly, from Elizabeth White (“All-Purpose Monkey”), where I think she sells the book far better than I have.

I did a couple interviews, arranged a couple giveaways. Also did a guest blog about cats and inspiration over at the aforementioned Elizabeth’s site: blog post called “Four Kinds of Kitty.” That blog maybe talks a little about vaginas, too, so, uhhh. Get excited?

Had a lot of great response about the tentpole story in the collection, “Dog-Man and Cat-Bird (A Flying Cat Story).” I mean, some really gushing praise, and for that, thank you so much. The fact that the collection got pimped across #fridayreads was equally awesome.

I slapped the book up on Smashwords, see if it’ll propagate from there.

Also arranging to get it up on Drive Thru Fiction.

My favorite sales are the PDF ones. Not just because I make the most money (which allows me to procure a higher class of hobo handjob), but also because it allows a small but compelling interaction with the audience. Instead of just a click, it’s an email, and an email is really a letter, and a letter is a connection between two people. It’s the 21st century way of selling the book on a street corner. Quaint. Probably not the future, and certainly not the way to a million sales, but more the equivalent of a book signing.

Would love to figure out a way to do a book signing, but with digital product.

Seen JC Hutchins’ Kilroy app? He will actually autograph your app. So, it’s possible.

Talking to horror bad-ass James Melzer about maybe a spoken podcast version of the stories.

Right now, my sales are largely within my own sphere of influence. The key is getting outside that circle. The key is getting into your circle of influence and beyond. One supposes I’ve sold to my core audience, so now it’s about pushing beyond those margins. I’m surprised that my Amazon entry still doesn’t list, “Those who have bought IRREGULAR CREATURES have also purchased SEVEN BRIDES FOR TEN MULES, BLOWJOBS FOR DRYADS, and THE LUDLUM PROLAPSE: A REXINALD PERRY ADVENTURE.” Does it for you? I dunno. Love to hear your reports and experiences.

Equally Random Questions

What else can I do?

Again, if anybody wants a review copy, please let me know. Definitely looking for places to do reviews and interviews and giveaways and sexy breathy podcasts and whatever else we can muster.

If anybody cares to write reviews on their spaces or at Amazon, I’d totally appreciate that, too.

Everybody liking the book?

Would I Self-Publish Again?

Way too early to say, but an interesting question just the same. I’m fairly happy with the results so far, but if the sales from here just drop off a cliff, I’d find myself less likely to do it. Would like to try to put up a novel or novella at some point just to see how that goes as another factor of the experiment, but I dunno. The fact I’m operating at a profit and not a loss after four days is a good sign for what is ultimately an unpopular purchasing target — the short story collection. But even still, it’s distracting from actual writing, which isn’t good. (Though I do recognize that having, say, a novel in stores is just as distracting what with the book tours and interviews and what-not. This may not be all that different. Even still, it’s nice to feel like you have a publisher pushing your work, a team backing your play. On the other hand, it’s also nice to be 100% in control of your own destiny.)

So, what I’m saying is, totally on the fence. Experiment not yet proven, not yet disproven.

The truth won’t probably be realized for months.

And Now, I Give Thee: Pandemic 41.410806, -75.654259

Earlier in the week, I said, “Hey, check out this short story collection.”

Middle of the week — aka, um, now — I say, “Hey, check out this short film.”

Sundance has been very kind to our little film and given it lots of great attention. Not only is it a big part of this year’s Sundance 2011 app, but now it’s online at the Sundance screening room.

I’ve embedded it here for ease (might I recommend full-screen?) but I encourage you to check out the screening room for other gems of cinematic goodness.

Funny story — when I went to… I think it was the second day of filming? The first thing I encountered was the scene with “Mom” on the bed. A bed pink with fluids. Her head swaddled in stained sheets. And Bree (Alexia Rasmussen) sitting by the bed, a revolver in her lap.

Awesome. Crazy to see stuff you helped write come to life. Grim, fluid-stained life.

Anyway. Check out the film. I know I’m proud of it, and I think Lance did a bang-up job of bringing our storyworld — or, at least, a glimpse of it — to life. Make no mistake: he’s a visionary.

Of course, it doesn’t stop here. We’ve got the feature film moving toward fruition, and during Sundance will be the Pandemic storyworld experience. What’s that, you ask?

Well. Just wait. You’ll see. Expect something pretty crazy-go-nuts.

But it doesn’t stop there. Sinister plans circulate. They fester like a sickness, they do.

Keep your eyes peeled.

www.hopeismissing.com

Irregular Creatures: The Prognosis

In case you missed it (which, given my self-prostitution, means you must’ve been buried under a tornado-smacked barn), I went ahead and “officially” released my short story collection, IRREGULAR CREATURES, to the Amazon Kindle marketplace.

I say “officially” because it had been up there since Saturday.

And between Saturday and yesterday, I had zero sales. Not surprising, one supposes, but contained within is a critical lesson: your audience isn’t likely to stumble blindly upon your book. That is true whether it’s in a bookstore or on Amazon — yes, there exists the chance someone will trip on a rock and fall face-down upon it, but you sure can’t count on it. Bookstores are filled with thousands of books. Amazon multiplies that by a factor of… well, let’s just go with one of those imaginary numbers like Snarbgang or Fronk. (Coincidentally, also the name of my favorite Vaudeville comedy duo!) You want people to read it, you gotta lead them to it. Put up signs. And fireworks. And a Tijuana donkey show.

It wasn’t until I released the truth of the book’s existence into the wild that I netted the first sale — and the next, and the next after that.

Because you came calling. A stampede of awesome people.

First Up: My Thanks

So many of you rose to the call of “Please pimp my book” that I literally cannot thank each of you because if I tried to thank you individually, I would eventually die of some random old person disease.

At last count, I saw about 250 tweets of you fine feathered peeps shaking the reeds and shock-prodding other folks in the butt-pucker so they head on out and nab a copy of the e-book.

That is insane. Like, in the good way.

Never mind the many folks who pimped it on Facebook — Rick Carroll, Shawn Gaston, Keith Rawson, uber-agent Stacia Decker, and others. David Hill was the first reviewer on Amazon. James Melzer wrote a far-too-kind blog post exhorting people to go snatch up the collection. (Get it? Snatch? Because there’s a whole story about Thai pussy shows? Shut up. Don’t judge me.)

And again, that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

The blog post announcement, too, was heartily attended. I’m writing this post ahead of time, and even now that post has 1000+ looky-loos all by itself.

You kick ass, everyone of you.

(And hey, the shepherd-slash-prophet of self-publishing — Konrath His Own Self — swung by the site.)

Second Up: The Numbers

By middle of the day, the collection achieved profitability. My only cost going in was the cover art — I won’t tell you how much it cost because, well, I dunno. That’s not your business. *points to crotch*

But I will share with you the total numbers.

As of 9PM:

Amazon US sales: 86

Amazon UK sales: 7

PDF sales through this website: 15

Total sales: 108.

I make $2.07 per sale from Amazon, and $2.60 when purchased here (Paypal fees).

So, a genuinely profitable day, and this is only the first day.

Oh — Amazon sales pushed us up to #824.

Fact: Amazon’s sales ranking is determined by a parliament of insane robots. I began the day at #117,000, then one sale rocketed me up to #75,000 then another sale bumped me to #11,000. After that, I spent the day pinballing between #7,000-ish and #1,000-ish. It would sometimes do this even when I had not earned any new sales. Once, I earned sales, then dropped sales rank so fast, you’d think somebody kicked it out of a plane. Amazon sales rank is a cipher wrapped in a mystery enveloped in a slice of honey-glazed ham.

Mmmm. Ham.

Third Up: My Feelings On The Subject

I feel like a princess.

*pinches nipples, flings tiara skyward, does a pirouette*

Wait, no, that’s a whole different post for a whole different website.

I am cautiously optimistic. I mean, you can really look at this three ways:

Optimistic: Hey, holy shit, awesome. Better than expected. It’s just a dumb short story collection and I’m just some dipshit squawking and spitting into the void, so even if I never got a single other sale, I made enough money to go out and eat a kick-ass dinner. My writing is feeding me. Nobody owns my soul (except all those other people who own my soul — oh, and the Devil). Fucking-A. I rule. Everybody else drools. To celebrate, I will conquer some bacon with my gastrointestinal fluids.

Realistic: It was a good day. It remains to be seen if there’s really going to be a long tail, though. Those who bought today were likely the faithful, so how will the book find an audience otherwise? The author can only do so much. If word of mouth doesn’t carry it, the spark doesn’t catch anything aflame and — sizzle, fizzle, hiss. This is a 45,000 word product. Were I to have earned even a meager per-word on getting those stories published (say, two cents a word), I’d be up $900. And as yet, I’m not really close to that. But the long tail might be there. If I work it good and work it hard (nnngh), I might see that return yet. One lesson to learn: blog views are free, retweets are free, clicks are easy-peasy, but all those things do not automatically translate into a purchase — and that’s a-okay. It isn’t all about the immediate sale.

Pessimistic: Fuck off, fuck-badger. Loser. Loo-hoo-hooo-oooooooser. That old-ass knight from the end of that Indiana Jones movie is saying, right now, “He chose… poorly.” And he’s saying it about you, douchewipe. That thing was 45,000 words. You usually get a pretty good per-word, so realistically, that thing is worth at least $1800. You really think it’s going to make you almost two grand? Mm-humm. Sure. Sure. And my mother was Batman. See what I did there? Because my mother is not Batman. Herp. And derp. Dummy. Now those stories can’t win awards, they won’t be in print, and nobody cares because they’re self-published namby-pamby poo-poo pee-pee wee-wee nonsense.

But again, I’m somewhere in the middle. Closer to optimistic. I’m happy about the day’s sales.

And it’s not like it’s gone. You can still buy it.

No, really: You Can Still Buy It.

Fourth: What Now?

Well, in part, I shut up about it. I have other things to work on and other stuff to talk about. And the last thing I want to do is become a shill for my own book, a constantly-jabbering parrot: “Buy my crap! Buy my crap! KRAAAWWK! Buy my crap! Flying cats! Bangkok vagina! Buy my crap!”

Some of it will fall to you. You like it? Then please: spread the love. I’m hearing some good reports from people who have read the first story (“Dog-Man And Cat-Bird, A Flying Cat Story”), and that’s awesome. Tell others. Leave reviews on Amazon (even if you bought only the PDF). Don’t need to go overboard or out of your way, but if you’d be so kind as to occasionally pimp it, I would love you forever.

But some of it falls to me, too. If anybody needs a review copy, let me know. I can help make that happen. I’ll also be soliciting some interviews and what-not about the process, but feel free to ping me if you’d be into hearing a bit about this whole process.

Plus, if you have any other ideas for getting it “out there,” my ears are open. They’re full of wax and earwigs, sure, but by golly, they are open.

And that’s it for now, peeps.

Thanks again.

Keep them cats a-flying.

I Give Thee: “Irregular Creatures”

Irregular Creatures: Kindle Short Story Collection, Chuck Wendig

And so it is done.

Up on Amazon’s Kindle marketplace: my first short story collection, IRREGULAR CREATURES.

Click here to purchase.

And, in fact, if you’d be so kind, I’d love it if you purchased it today. Just to see if I can’t get a rush of sales. A caffeine-sugar spike of greedy eyes hungry to gander at my gibberish.

Still, you might be on the fence. You might be saying, “Ehhhh, ennnnh, nnnmmmgh, I just don’t know.”

Could be that you need a little convincing.

I can do that. Here, then, are five reasons to buy my short story collection, IRREGULAR CREATURES. Choose one or several reasons. Collect ’em, trade ’em with your friends.

1. Because Hey, Look, That Chuck Wendig Guy Is Writing Crazy Shit Again

Contained within this short story collection you will find:

Flying cats, Bigfoot, mermaids, demons, zombies, a giant chicken, a vaginally-capable Thai dancer, candy bar aliens, an incarcerated mentalist, and one mystic hobo hermaphrodite.

These are all irregular creatures. Just as I, the writer, am an irregular creature. In fact, I’d say all writers are sort of that — we’re a little goofed-up at the margins, us author-types. I dig that.

These irregular creatures are bound up in nine short stories totaling about 45,000 words. Hell, one of those stories — Dog-Man and Cat-Bird (A Flying Cat Story) — is a big ol’ 14,000 word fun-fest.

The collection is equal parts horror and humor, equal parts fantasy and sci-fi, equal parts sadness, weirdness, absurdity, and hilarity. Some of it is family friendly. Some of it is soaked in blood. You”ll find tales of Bangkok pussy shows, bizarre auctions in the middle of Amish country, soul-switching, and wars between heaven and hell (as fought by cats).

It contains many bad words.

It contains lots of weird ideas.

It contains a host of (I hope) engaging characters.

Click here to purchase.

2. Because This Is The Last Five Years Of My Writing Life

I’m a sucker for authorial point-of-view; I love the “auteur” theory of writing and writers. I like that certain writers carry — often unconsciously — certain themes and motifs through their work. It’s a little bit obsessive, a whole lot unconscious, and maybe a tiny bit batshit crazy. Looking back over these short stories (which comprise the writing years of 2005-2009), I did not realize how these all pieced together. They do. They’re clearly my work — while I think I’ve definitely developed as a storyteller since then, I still see a lot in these stories I like. They are bound together by common ideas and shared themes.

Hopefully that’s the same for you. But you’ll need to buy it to see what I’m saying.

Click here to purchase.

3. Because, I Mean, Pshhh, Three Bucks, C’mon

You can’t buy jack shit for three bucks. Fast food meal? Hardly. Action figure? Nope. Handjob from a hobo with callused hands? Not the last time I checked, no. (And I check often.)

I’m offering you hours of entertainment for three bucks. You go buy Chinese food from the mall, it’s going to cost you twice that and it’ll be gone in a half-hour. Of course, it’ll come back about three hours later (remember, you don’t own food court food, you just rent it for a little while and then you return it back to the water supply like that kid with that killer whale in that movie with the kid and the killer whale).

Irregular Creatures will last a lot longer than that.

Plus: no diarrhea.

In this day and age, that has to be a selling point. Especially given the quality of some of the stuff you might buy on the Kindle marketplace. Am I right? Am I right? I’m totally right.

Click here to purchase.

4. Because You Believe Self-Publishing Is The Future

Forget that shit Whitney Houston sang about — you mayhaps believe that self-publishing is the future. Hell with the children. Are children going to provide you with cheap and easy literary entertainment? Can you download children to a hand-held device? Can you turn children off and on? I think not.

See, I’m on the fence about self-pub. This is an experiment for me to test its viability. You want to confirm that it’s viable? You want to see more self-published work, not less? I’m going to be publishing my results, after all — if the results are good, I’ll say so. Do you want me to proselytize the power of self-pubbing?

Then pony up, wordmonkeys! Money where your mouth is. Boom. Yeah. Nnngggh.

Click here to purchase.

5. Because You Really Love Terribleminds

(Warning: Guilt alert! Guilt alert! Awooga! Awoooga!)

You’ll note that I blog here every day. I do so for free despite it costing me for the theme, for hosting, for the domain, for the hookers, for the meth lab, for all of that. It takes me a lot of time.

And I do it all for you. (It has nothing to do with my ego. Shut up! Shush!)

I’ve had folks contact me and tell me they wanted to donate. I tell them, “Nope.” Some writers ask for donations. I’m not one of them. No harm no foul on those that do, but I figure — hey, this blog is here to keep me disciplined and to put myself out there for you crazy cats and kittens. I say “No donations, but once I have something to sell, please support me and this website by buying it.”

And thus, the guilt. Here I am, offering you a product. And I have big wide doe eyes blinking at you — blink, blink — and at the bottom of those doe eyes is a shimmering pool where my tears are starting to form. You like this site? Been enjoying its free content for ten years? Want to help throw a little money my way to help support the child that is one day soon going to spring forth into this household? Want to help support my “chocolate milkshake and Burmese heroin” diet? Here’s your chance, superstar.

Two words: IRREGULAR CREATURES.

Click here to purchase.

Only On The Kindle Machine?

You may be asking, “Is this only available on Das Kindlemaschine?”

To which I respond, yes, for the foreseeable future. I’m interested in keeping this experiment fairly well contained. Besides, Amazon offers a pretty robust marketplace, distribution network, and chunk of the pie.

What If I Do Not Possess A Magic Kindle Device?

You did know that Kindle offers a mighty host of Free Kindle-Reading Apps, right?

But that’s okay. Maybe you have a Nook or something.

So, I’ll offer you this:

I will send you a PDF if you give me the $2.99 via PayPal.

Contact me through this site, and I’ll get you squared away with the PDF.

The PDF should work in iBooks, on the Nook, or across various other apps or devices. Plus, if you’re morally Amazon-averse, hey, here’s your way to get the collection.

But Wait! I Want To Do More!

That’s awesome, because as it turns out, I need you to do more.

If this experiment is going to succeed, I could use your help in other ways.

First, spread the word. Get on the Twittertubes, the Faceyjournals, the Clown Sex Forums, and spread the love far and wide. “Hey,” you might say, “I found this really awesome collection of stories called IRREGULAR CREATURES and it gave me a word-boner. And I’m a lady! It gave me a lady word-boner. You should go buy it, or I will hate you forever.”

You may need to compress that into 140 characters, to which I offer:

Hy I fnd ths rlly awe coll of stor IRRGLR CRTRS gve me wrd-bner Im lady gve me ldy wrd-bnr u shld buy or I h8 you 4eva http://amzn.to/e6JeQy

Also, I would love it if you went to Amazon and gave it a review.

Now, you might be asking, “But what if I hated it?”

Uhhh. Well. On the one hand, I encourage honesty, on the other, I’ll merely remind you what your mother told you: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

And then she whipped you with a metal coat hanger. Just a reminder of that.

Alternately, if you don’t want to do these things, then I’m just happy that you bought the book.

In A Perfect World, You’ll Buy This Today

I’d love to see a crazy spike of sales today. Hell, wouldn’t it be cool to get into the Top 100 Kindle books for just one shimmering moment? No, it probably won’t happen, but my father always said to “aim high.” I mean, sure, he was just exhorting me to account for distance and wind speed when I was to shoot a zombie in the melon, but I like to think of the advice as one big metaphor for my hopes and dreams.

I Will Report Back From The Wilderness

As promised, I will periodically send missives back from the Self-Publishing Front with my data rolled into a leather tube and staple-gunned to the back of a donkey. A donkey with firecrackers in its ass to ensure it picks up the pace and is not eaten by a lazy puma.

I don’t know how often I’ll report data — I guess as often as necessary.

Bee Tee Dubs: “Thank You”

If you purchase it, thank you.

If you write a nice review or spread the word, thank you.

If you love terribleminds, thank you for that, as well.

If you don’t buy my short story collection, I’ll kill a unicorn in front of a little girl.

Thanks again, tmeeps.