ICYMI, I manifested the true power of the Internet and wrote an “open letter” to the intrepid reality stars of Tiny House Hunters, and I have only fallen deeper down the rabbit hole on this show since. I just can’t quit this shit, especially now that I found past episodes on Netflix.
And I thought, hey, if you really wanted to get just tore up, if you wanted to lubricate your soul with flagons of liquor, then you should turn Tiny House Hunters into a drinking game.
First up, though, you’re gonna need some dranks.
I recommend the Tiny House Iced Tea, which is:
– 1 oz white rum
– 1 oz dark rum
– 1 oz vodka
– 1 oz ginger beer
– 1 oz triple-sec
– 3 oz Coca-Cola
Then pour it all into a 1.5 oz shot glass.
Most of it won’t fit, so you’ll have to slurp the rest off the table and floor with a straw.
Then when you’re proper crunk, barf it up into a composting toilet, and let one of the three dogs you keep in your tiny house drink from the dung bucket in sloppy, claustrophobic misery.
Or, you know, you could just drink hella wine. You do you.
And now, onto the drinking game.
When you witness any of these shenanigans on the show, take a drink.
– Whenever someone says, as if totally fucking shocked they’re in a tiny house, “It’s really small.” Variations include: “It’s cramped,” or ironically, “It’s really tiny?”
– Someone bonks their dumb head
– They say they wanna: “simplify,” “downsize,” “save the environment,” or “travel”
– When they end up parking their tiny house on the lawn of some incredulous family member
– “It’s a great starter home,” they say, as if not realizing it’s not so much a home as it is a car, and unlike a house, that motherfucker is going to sink in value like a brick in a lake soon as the tiny house trend-bubble goes ‘pop’
– There is a toilet inside the shower
– The toilet is a composting toilet
– Take two drinks if there’s just a fucking spooky old outhouse
– No sink in the bathroom
– “Where’s the closet?” (answer: this house is a closet)
– Someone wonders where all the appliances are, or asks for a specific appliance (“I need a full-size fridge, a washer and dryer, and a walk-in freezer to store my racks of bison meat.”)
– They see a dorm fridge and stare at it like it’s a cancerous sore
– They ask for something entirely unreasonable for a tiny house, as if this is an episode of MTV’s Cribs and not jerks taking a tour of a 150 square-foot lawnmower shed (“I need an office,” or, “Where is the four-car garage?” or “Where will I keep and train my two Bengal tigers?”)
– For every child, take one drink
– For every pet, take one drink
– If the children or pets look extra-horrified, like they’re imagining being forced to live in an airless and oppressive cubby-hole like a bunch of trapped miners, take an extra drink
– One of the tiny house hunters cannot get down the ladder leading to and from their spacious funerary box SORRY I MEAN “bedroom loft”
– When they figure out that they’re going to have to use that library ladder whenever they get up at night to pee, and that they’re probably just going to pee the bed or try to stunt-piss and aim for the sink — which is doable, because really, it’s right down there
– When someone realizes that the loft bed is basically a chest-crushing, sarcophagal sex-free frottage zone and as soon as you put anything beefier than a ratty blanket up there you’re going to break your nose on the ceiling and then smother to death
– “I was hoping for steps,” because sure, that’s reasonable, why not also wish for a talking pony
– When one of the tiny house hunters is a really tall or wide person and they look like a giant stomping through a child’s playhouse and yet, they still wanna live here I guess
– The real estate agent looks at the camera as if she’s Jim from The Office
– Curtains instead of doors
– Someone says, “There’s no privacy in here,” as if they expect this birdhouse to have a quiet Zen garden or a personal sensory deprivation chamber
– Someone contorts themselves into an improbable and painful human knot trying to prove to everyone that sure, yeah, no, we can totally use this space as a living room or an office or whatever and no ha ha ha I don’t have a leg cramp right now
– HIPSTERS SPOTTED
– When one member of a couple looks like a hostage (“I don’t want to live here, Maureen” “OH WE’RE FUCKING LIVING IN THIS SHIPPING CRATE, BILL, YOU CAN BE SURE OF THAT”)
– Someone says the word “cottage”
– We all collectively realize the house is smaller than the pit Buffalo Bill used for his victims (“IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET oh wait we don’t have room for lotions or baskets”)
– You realize you hate these people
– Finish the bottle when you wonder why you’re even watching this show
– Grab another because you just can’t quit AND LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES LOOK AT YOUR LIFE