Star Wars Aftermath — My Spoilers And Yours

Holy shit, it’s out!

It’s midnight.

It’s Force Friday.

Which means…

The first of the Aftermath trilogy lands on bookshelves (and ideally into your little robot hands) today. It’s been awesome writing this book and getting it out into the world. I think it’s going to be a book people either love or hate — you know, it’s a book with a heaping helping of HOT EXPECTATION GRAVY slathered over its many pages, so, any time that happens you run the risk of the hype becoming a monster to which the book could never really compare. But this is the book that lived inside my head and it’s what fell out when I turned my head upside down.

I recognize that a lot of people are likely going to read the book with an eye toward spoilers — this is a book that offers up the first tentative steps on the narrative bridge toward The Force Awakens, and so PLOT HUNTERS are going to be combing through the sand and dust of this story, hoping to come away with a few gems of shiny What-May-Come.

So, I thought I’d get ahead of that and list ten whopper spoilers from this book, just to get them out of the way. Just to clear the slate, so you don’t have to do picking through the story like a mother monkey plucking ticks from her baby monkey’s fur. Consider it a favor from me.

I’m aces like that.

Here, then, are ten BIG-ASS SPOILERS in the book. You can thank me later.

1. Three words: Emperor Elan Sleazebaggano. And his cousin, Darth Jerkturd. They rule the Deathsticks trade on seven worlds. And you thought the Empire was dead.

2. Not just one Death Star. But a hundred Death Stars. A WHOLE DEATH GALAXY. And they’re all shaped like Darth Vader’s helmet. And the son of Luke Skywalker, Dave Skywalker (who is played by Simon Pegg in the new movie, FYI), has to OMG figure out how to blow up like, every new Death Star at the same time? He can only do it with his friends — an unlikely assortment of wacky deviants and miscreants: Dan Individual, Chorgbacon the Schnook, the Duchess LeeLee Sobieski, Mando Kardashian, and the two droids: See-Poo-Pee-You, and RU-DTF.

3. HAN SOLO HAS BEEN DEAD THE WHOLE TIME. AND HE’S ALSO YOUR REAL DAD. And he’s very disappointed in you. Not mad, just disappointed. Now hold still while he lightsabers your hand off to teach you about responsibility, young padawan.

4. Jar-Jar gives a buffoonish speech in Space Congress and his vote helps form the First Order, whatever the heck that is? Then Jar-Jar is brutally torn apart by a pack of Lothcats for 56 pages. The lesson here? You win some, you lose some.

5. YODA’S BACK, MOTHERFUCKERS. He’s young and he’s handsome and he’s on the hunt for the ladies. “When a hundred years you reach, look as hella sexy, you will not.” *plays sexy techno music, dances with tiny lightsabers like they’re glowsticks at a rave*

6. I forgot where I was in the middle of the book so I instead started a new book about the wacky fun-time adventures of Drunken Jedi Master Wig Chudneck. He has a lightsaber made of bees. (A “beesaber.”) His beard is made of hyper-intelligent cilia — basically, like, fuzzy midichlorians? He has a duck under his arm. The duck will figure in very prominently in Episode VII, so keep your eye out. Basically Wig just sorta runs around, screwing stuff up and then fixing it for people? Like the A-Team, if the A-Team did that and was only one Jedi Master riding a raggedy old tauntaun instead of five semi-competent mercs in a van.

7. Speaking of awesome lightsabers, in this book you will find a Jedi made entirely of lightsabers. And he carries a cannon that shoots little lightsaber bullets. And each of those little lightsaber bullets have the Force. True story.

8. The entire book, when read backward, is a ROT13 cipher. When you solve the puzzle, it reveals the entire backstory of Kylo Ren and the order of Knights to which he belongs. It also has a mean guacamole recipe that uses bacon.

9. The real spoiler is, you’re adopted. You’ll find out on page 147.

10. LUKE SKYWALKER IS REALLY DARTH VADER WHICH MEANS HE’S REALLY HIS OWN DAD AND ALSO HE’S IN MANDALORIAN BATTLE ARMOR NOW AND ANAKIN SKYWALKER IS REALLY KYLO REN AND KYLO REN IS REALLY DARTH JERKTURD AND SECRETLY DARTH JERKTURD HAS BEEN ADMIRAL ACKBAR THE WHOLE TIME AND THE REBELLION IS REALLY THE EMPIRE AND THE EMPIRE IS REALLY JUST A FLOATING EWOK VILLAGE inside a snow globe held in the hands of a young Keyzer Soze, who turns around and sees his father, Bob Newhart, sleeping on the bed next to Tyler Durden, who he also is, and then he whispers, Rooooosebuuuuud, which is the name of his lightsaber, and then we pan out the window only to see that the Death Star was the Statue of Liberty this whole time OMG IT’S AN AMERICAN METAPHOR THE EMPIRE IS AMERICA AND WE’RE ALL MINDLESS STORMTROOPERS boom! Mic dropped! Here comes Episode VII! Woooo! *barfs in your lap and on your book*

Ahem.

Now, it’s your turn.

I’ll be foregoing a flash fiction challenge today in place of this.

Your task, should you choose to accept it?

Pop in the comments and put in a TOTALLY TRUE* SPOILER from AFTERMATH.

* ahem meaning totally fake

Just one. Not two. And keep it fairly short. (Despite #10 on the list, try to keep it under 100 words.)

You can also tweet the fake spoilers using the hashtag: #fakeaftermathspoilers

I’ll be traveling this weekend (by the time this posts, I will be literally at the launch event for Aftermath), so I won’t have a chance to really look at these until Monday. (Which also means some comments may go unapproved by then if I am unable to curate and check the posts due to being firmly ensconced in the chaos of Dragoncon and Decatur Book Fest.)

You have till Monday, noon EST.

I’ll pick a single favorite out of the bunch.

And that single favorite will get from me:

A signed copy of Star Wars: Aftermath. Hardcover.

And I’ll also throw in a signed copy of Zer0es, too.

Available only to participants in the United States — those outside the USA can still participate, but if you win, know that you’ll be paying the shipping.

Again, you get one entry, and keep it short.

(art at the top of the post by @oncomingspork)

86 comments

  • Obi-Wan & Qui Gon have been brought back to life… by the power of the DARK SIDE of the Force! As evil ZOMBIES! Turning everyone they chow down on into DARK JEDI! (Even Watto. And Jar-Jar. And one very confused power droid.)

    In the cliffhange-y last chapter, Luke’s robot hand turns against him, like in the Evil Dead movies, and he replaces it with… but that’s the next book.

  • SPOILER ALERT: Within the first few pages of Star Wars Aftermath, Han Solo accepts an invitation to the ‘Top Gun’ flight training school on Tatooine. He ditches Leia, inexplicably starts calling Chewbacca “Goose” and spends the next 300 pages playing shirtless, homo-erotic volleyball with Luke, Lando, and a bunch of baby oil shiny, bikini-waxed ewoks.

  • SPOILER ALERT: The precise middle page of the book (not counting the pages including acknowledgements and the bacon guacamole recipe) leaves a little extra room around the margins for an invisible ink message concerning the ongoing trial against the failed Stormtrooper firearms combat training program, including an exclusive testimony from clone #13,428 (played by Nicki Minaj in the upcoming Episode VII) and horridly inaccurate footnotes, courtesy of Supreme Court stenographer Jar-Jar. This message can be read by painting the page with the urine of an Ewok under the glow of a lightsaber (only certain colors guaranteed to produce results)

  • If you turn the book on a 42 degree angle and read every third letter you find the secret cide that reveals how midichlorians are really a different name for the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, and describes the optimal recipe. But be warned. The code is protected by a secret organization funded by the President of the universe to keep the recipe safe from chain restaurants who would use its deliciousness for bad promotions. And then there was an aardvark and I realized the second half of the book is Webster’s dictionary from 1983 printed backwards.

  • After a firework accident and falling Death Star debris nearly burn the entirety of the forest moon of Endor, an unexpected power grab results in Grand Moff Wicket’s Campaign of Vengeance.

  • This is all a fringe event. The Star Wars universe is actually a parallel universe where Alexander the Great found a torn-apart-travelled-back-to-time-to-save-whales Enterprise and a pointy eared alien guarding it. Due to bad judgement, Alexander, and his mentor Darth Aristotelus, turned the alien to a green dwarf with no sense of syntax. Now, the Doctor needs to come and correct the timeline before TOEI animation sends the Power Rangers. Or the Super Sentai. How the #%$ do they call them? The Japanese will rule the galaxy in the end and Chuck will pay all his money to copyright infringement lawsuits.

  • Shoot, misspelled “midichlorians.” Forgive me Oh, Mighty Star Wars Gods!

    *booming voice from off-screen* NO! *force lightning surges through my body and reduces me to ash*

  • Spoiler Alert: Over the course of the book you learn Padme is still alive and is, in fact, the Sith Lord behind everything that’s happened up until now. She manipulated Palpatine into taking over the Republic and turning it into the Empire, invented midichlorians to create Anakin, had a relationship with him to ensure he turned to the dark side when she faked her death, gave birth to Luke and Leia and made certain they could bring about the fall of Vader and the Empire by planting the seeds of nascent rebellion. And now, with the galaxy in complete and utter chaos, she finally reveals herself and prepares to take complete control with Jar Jar at her side!

  • Salacious Crumb, Jabba’s pet, indeed crawled maimed from the Sail Barge wreckage, going on to create a vast clone army of himself known as the Knights of Crumb.

  • It turns out that Biggs and Wedge have been running a super-secret Jedi Academy since the events of Star Wars: A New Hope, and they show up here leading a JEDI ARMY into battle against the Sith Ewok that Darth Dearth has been training after seeing their lethal effectiveness against stormtroopers. In the aftermath, Biggs and Wedge make out.

  • SPOILER ALERT: After his stunning defeat at the Boonta Eve Classic, Ben Quadrinaros is absorbed by hate and jealousy. He founds the Knights of Ren to find and destroy the son of this ” Little Annie” who shamed him in his moment of triumph.

  • Boba Fett is revealed to be not only alive, but more than one man. After his father’s death, he clones himself over and over again. Fett is everywhere, hence his fiercesome reputation and why he is seen across the galaxy even after his “death” in the Sarlacc Pit. Aftermath reveals that the Knights of Ren and their leader Kylo are actually an army of Force-Sensitive Boba-Clones.

  • SPOILER ALERT: From the ashes of the Empire’s fall, a new Jedi Order emerges, led by five gifted in the ways of the Force. Their names are Obi-Ted, Gama-Kayan, Thom-Thom, Budi-Blair, and Qui-Qui-Carson. Their power is first noted by Luke Skywalker as, whenever they enter a room, the song “All Things Just Keep Getting Better” blares across all audio systems. This new order uses the Force to makeover any remaining fringe Imperial supporters still lurking about. Their makeover usually involves new fashion, hygiene, and personal living quarters decor, as a change in lifestyle may help these misguided stragglers from the Empire find a new lease in life. These five Jedi of a new, fabulous order become so popular, they tour the galaxy with a popular review they call “Queen Eye for the Imperial Guy.”

  • We find that Jabba isn’t dead but has lost all his weight eating subway sammiches. Rumors on Tatooine suggest something darker looming, though, and have started keeping the younger hutts away.

  • Spoiler alert: A band of force sensitive battle droids with faulty programming following a mysterious solar flare fashion weapons out of human remains: flesh light sabers.

  • SPOILER ALERT: In Aftermath, after the giant ewok orgy scene, one hundred ewoks merge to form one giant ewok. He is known as Darth Furball. Emperor Palpatine was really just his apprentice the WHOLE time! He has the power to control all Ewokdom by turning their eyes red. The red eyed ewok army merges with the clone army to form the most fearsome fighting force in the universe.

  • After Han’s death at the hands of Darth Threepio. Boba,Fett swore vengeance upon him and is travelling the galaxy on his flying Rancor look looking for clues he discovers a terrible secret. The Government is,using mitochondrian to give autism to the public and is,being handled by Luke and his lover Jabba. Princess Leia became a dark Jedi after killing everyone who gave her a poor reviews,of her book on the intergalactic online media store but she died after discovering that lightsabers aren’t sex toys. Palpatine still lives and now controls the U.S.S. Enterprise and is hunting down the last kryptonian.

  • SPOILER ALERT: Lando Calrissian and Admiral Ackbar are being pursued by the bounty hunter, IG-88. All three fall into a wormhole and end up on Earth in 2016. After a series of hilarious misadventures, the trio, now friends, work their way to Hollywood and end up starring in a remake of Three’s Company. Everything is going great until William Shatner, who plays their crusty old landlord on the show, discovers their true identities and tries to send them back from whence they came. More hilarity ensues. It all ends with giant musical dance number with rancors and banthas.

  • SPOILER ALERT: Finally! The act of Wookie reproduction is described in great detail, and it it glorious!! (You know you’ve been wondering too, you freaks!)

  • The thrilling tale of what the gang got up to once they had finished counting up the number of stormtrooper helmets being used as drums by the Ewoks and then divided that by the number of burning hunks of wreckage falling through the Endor skies – Star Wars: After Math includes:
    -Leia and Han’s continuing quest to get the other one to say that they love them
    – Luke’s quest to find a girl he isn’t related to who might be interested in a snog
    – R2 and Chewie’s quest to discover why, they didn’t get subtitles as main characters in three fucking movies when greedo got them for one fucking two minute appearance

  • Major spoilers ahead:

    The dance at the end of Jedi is actually an ancient Ewok curse-invocation that suppresses Luke and Leia’s force abilities FOREVER!

    Threepio and Lobot steal a flake of dandruff from the corpse of Darth Vader and–get this–feed it to Boba Fett after rescuing him from the Sarlaac pit!!!

    So cool.

    He is imbued with an off-the-charts Midichlorian count and sets out to save the Galaxy from the furry menace!

    Super excited for part two.

  • Tauntaun rights activists finally catch up to Han Solo to enforce fines for his gross misuse of helpless snow horse innards, but are drawn into a talking-heads showdown with Sarlaac supporters lobbying for the transport of this unique creature to a more forgiving environment where it might flourish. The capital only has enough space money to fund one ridiculous animal rights cause in this quadrant, but the whole debate gets pre-empted when the latest season of Galactic Ninja Warrior: Force Powers edition airs.

  • Qui-Gon Jinn’s theories of midi-chlorians are revealed to have been published in a widely discredited paper by a fringe jedi-scientist. The pro-midi’s push for teaching both sides of the issues in school and the anti-midi’s just think its nonsense. It’s a whole situation.

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