I Want You To Lick My Ice Cream


*bats eyelashes*

*flicks tongue, licks fringe of mustache*

*combs melted chocolate chips out of beard seductively*


So, I like to make ice cream.

I use a modified version of the Jeni’s Ice Cream base, which is, essentially, this right here. I have been known to replace the corn syrup with honey. Because, I dunno, corn is stupid and honeybees are rad? That seems like a snap judgment but there it is.

For the record, I completely and utterly recommend the Jeni’s Ice Cream cookbook.

I also totally love Lili Chin’s We All Scream ice cream site, where she takes totally fabulous and bizarre ice cream recipes and dolls them up in adorable graphic design.


I am currently fond of two particular flavors of ice cream I make, and both of these are based off of Jeni’s recipes but with my own li’l twists.

Here you go.

Roasted Strawberry & Creme Fraiche Ice Cream

Cut up a bunch of strawberries. Murder them. This will feel like murder particularly because your hands will be stained red with their blood and you will raise your crimson mitts to the sky and cackle madly. You’ll scream something about vengeance. And berries.

So: one pint of little green-haired red-headed murder victims.

Chop ’em up, mix with 3 tbsp of sugar, 1 tbsp of honey, a squirt of lemon juice.

Into the oven. Four hundred degrees for eight minutes.

Delight in their screams.

Only you will be able to hear them. This is totally fucking fine.

When that’s done, whip that shit out of the oven, let it cool down before you start shoving magmaberries into your greedy maw. Once appropriately un-hot, dump those suckers into the mass grave that is your blender and whip it into a frothy scarlet slurry.

Now, go forth and implement the ice cream base linked to above.

Go. Click. I’ll wait.


Okay. Here’s the modifications to that —

In that bowl where the cream cheese goes?

You also want to plop in a dollop — 1/4 cup, to be precise — of creme fraiche. Just what the hell is “creme fraiche,” you ask? It’s French for “pretentious-ass sour cream.” (More seriously, creme fraiche is more stable and holds up better against that lemon juice.)

Then, at the step after you pour the already-thickened ice cream base into the creme cheese (and creme fraiche) mixture, you want to stir in 1/2 cup of the screaming strawberry slurry.

Mix, mix, mix. Blah blah blah.

Then you cool it down and glop it into your ice cream maker as intended.

(I use the Cuisinart ICE-21. Also, ICE-21 was my codename in the NSA. TELL NO ONE.)

Freeze. Eat. Shut up.

Earl Grey Vanilla With Mascarpone

Earl Grey was an Earl of Country Knoxfordshiresburg, exiled to the Hebrides for lewd sexual misconduct with a pelican. But still his special blend of tea lives on today in various tea bags across the world. Or something. I read some weird history books. Anyway — technically for this recipe I don’t use proper Earl Grey tea, but rather I use this stuff: Steven Smith’s Lord Bergamot tea. Lord Bergamot was Earl Grey’s rival, and it was his pelicans what got shagged by the vicious pelican-fucker known as Earl Grey. Again, or something.

I use six of these teabags. (HA HA HA TEA BAGS IT MEANS DIPPING YOUR BALLS IN STUFF except seriously please don’t dip your genital configuration into scalding hot ice cream base. For god’s sake, let it cool first.) You can use any Earl Grey teabags or really, any teabags at all. I don’t give a shit what you do, lady-dude. Your destiny is your own, I’d dare not infringe upon your liberty. Which makes me think of that old flag? The one with the snake saying DON’T TREAD ON ME? Which is pretty dumb if you think about it because if I see a talking snake the first thing I’m doing is treading all over the motherfucker. Probably with some deadly golf cleats.

I feel like I’m getting away from the point.

Six teabags. Okay.

First things first: with the cream cheese mixture you want to put in a 1/4 cup of mascarpone cheese. “Mascarpone” is Italian for “pretentious-ass result of when creme fraiche has sex with regular ol’ cream cheese.” It’s a little thicker and more robust than creme fraiche. Kay? Kay.

So, as you’re following the ice cream base recipe above and you mix all the initial stuff together (milk, cream, sugar, etc) in the saucepan, you also want to scrape one vanilla bean into the mix. Scraping the vanilla bean is a delightful process that makes your whole house and your fingers and your knives smell like vanilla. Just make sure nobody is staring in your windows as you take great pleasurable sniffs of your knife and your fingers. They will call the police.

I speak from experience.

Let it all do its thing.

Then, when the first four-minute boil is done, you want to drop those teabags (seriously, put your genitals away, this is hot stuff) into the mix and let them steep for ten minutes.

Do something awesome for ten minutes.

Skateboard on a brontosaurus’ back or some shit.

When you’re done with that, return, then once more follow the recipe to its conclusion. Get it in the ice cream maker and let it chug-chug-chug and do its frosty thang.

I like to cover my ice cream with parchment paper in the freezer.

I also do this with all the body parts I keep there. Stops freezer burn.


*eats all the ice cream*