E-Z Zerts

I like to cook.

But I’m hell with desserts. I do make a mean ice cream these days (recipes forthcoming for my strawberry creme fraiche and Earl Grey vanilla mascarpone ice creams), but for the most part, I’m fucked when it comes to taking a tram-ride to Dessertsville.



I’m not proud, no.

Anyway, let’s hear your dessert recipes with one qualification that I’d really like said dessert recipes to be fairly easy. (Double-points if it includes no baking, but that’s by no means a requirement.) Assume I’m a dessert dipshit, and answer accordingly.

I’ll hang up and wait for your answer.



  • Icebox Cake (no oven necessary)

    2 cups chilled heavy cream
    6 tablespoons granulated sugar
    8 ounces softened cream cheese
    9 or 10-ounce package chocolate cookies (whatever you prefer..not a fussy recipe)
    Oreo cookies, crushed…enough to top the cake


    In a medium bowl, add 2 cups cream and 6 tablespoons sugar and whisk, (by hand or using a hand mixer), until soft peaks form, 3 to 4 minutes. Slowly add the cream cheese and beat until fully mixed.
    Spread some of the cream cheese mixture on the bottom of a pan covering it evenly. Arrange a layer of cookies on top. Cover with a layer of cream cheese mixture and more wafer cookies. Repeat until you have used all the cookies. Spread the remaining cream cheese mixture on top, making sure you have a smooth top.
    Cover the pan with plastic wrap, making sure it touches the top layer, and put in the refrigerator to chill overnight.
    Top the cake with the crushed Oreos, and serve cold.

    Serves 6-8.

  • Fluffernutter Delight
    1 jar Fluffernutter
    1 plastic spoon (so you don’t have to do your dishes)

    I’m single so this works ;-)

  • Four cups of greek key lime yogurt. 1 small package lime jello. 1 graham cracker crust. Whipped cream.

    Dissolve jello in a little bit of very hot water.
    Add yogurt, stir thoroughly.
    Pour in pie shell. Chill.
    Serve with whipped cream.

  • So for me, I love Strawberry shortcake, but I like it sweet, so buy some white cake, no frosting. Angel Food cake is awesome, so is actual shortcake.
    Then, take a bunch of strawberries, maybe a cup per person, lop off the tops and slice in quarters.
    Then, here’s the best part, gob a few tbs of strawberry jam into a tiny glass bowl, and toss that in the microwave for less than 30 seconds, use the GOOD jam, the kind with actual strawberry bits.
    Then dump strawberries over your slice of cake, drizzle hot jam all over it for a good hot mess.
    Then finally shake up your spray-on whip cream, And gob that on to a nice fluffy cloud.
    Now devour in all that strawberry awesomeness!

  • One bite of a cold stick of butter for every spoonful of powdered sugar. Desert accomplished, am I right?

  • Despite the fact you lack desert making talents,
    I think you can put together sweet ish flavours, correct? So a trifle will be your best friend.

    There are thousands of combinations possible, just keep to these 3 layers.

    Layer 1 must consist of something doughy: cake is tradition but pretty much anything doughy goes. Soak it in a bit of booze or coffee to make it rich.

    Layer 2 must consist of something fruity. Fresh or canned, whatever is available in the cupboard or fruitbowl.

    Layer 3 must consist of a creamlike substance: custard, whippedcream, creme anglaise, anything goes.

    You either layer this desert in a big bowl, or in individual glasses.

    So you could potentially have a chocolate cake, lychee and lemon custard trifle with a bit orange bitter. Or and make cookie crums, chili and apple, and coffee tasting custard. Or fruitcake, guava and white chololate cream, or… well pretty any combination that you think is right. Or tasty. Or depending on the dinner guests sickmakingly disgusting.

    Try it some time, and let us see the result!

  • Take an assortment of fresh fruits and berries, convert them into similarily sized pieces and mix ‘em up. Squeeze half a lemon over them, then pile them over generous servings of mascarpone.

    Sprinkle with crushed nuts and/or seeds to taste.

    Quick; easy; healthy. If you have more of a sweet tooth, slather the fruits in a light coating of honey water instead of (or in addition to) the lemon juice. (Honey water = a suitably large spoonful of honey mixed into an equally large amount of water). Or dust the end result with icing sugar.

  • I have a rich, chocolate pie – heavier and creamier like fudge – no baking required. It’s a secret recipe though. I’ll give it to you, but not here – and you can’t share it. Let me know if you want it.

  • Cream Cheese Crack Rolls

    16 oz cream cheese, softened (2 packages)
    1 cup of sugar
    1 egg yolk
    1 teaspoon of vanilla
    2 cans of Pillsbury (or variation thereof) refrigerated crescent dinner rolls
    1/2 cup packed brown sugar
    2 tablespoons butter, melted
    2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
    Whiskey, if desired

    Step 1
    Beat cream cheese and sugar at a medium speed until fluffy. Slowly beat in egg yolk and vanilla until blended.

    Step 2
    Cover the bottom of an non-greased glass baking dish with a 1 can of dough, pressing the perforations to seal the dough. Then lather that bitch with your cream cheese mix.

    Step 3
    In a small bowl or clean, hallowed out skull of a recent victim, mix brown sugar, butter and cinnamon. Sprinkle half of the resulting mixture over the cream cheese layer, which you then cover with the second can of dough (that you’ve pressed as well). Sprinkle the rest of the sugar mixture on top.

    Step 4
    Bake at 375 for 20-25 minutes. Drink whiskey while waiting, if desired. Cool slightly. Stuff your face.

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