Search Term Bingo: The Awakening

Once again it is that time to collect the search terms people used to (erm, erroneously) get to this website. Once again it’s time for: Search Term Bingo, baby.

when a satyr fucks an elf

This feels like something that fairy tale creatures have to tell their children.

“Well, son, when a satyr and an elf love each other very much, the satyr parts his rugged goat curtains and the elf warbles a lusty tune on his ocarina and they lay together on a downy unicorn pelt and the elf rubs his shillelagh against the goat-man’s musky haunches and that’s how you were born. Now go tell your lazy good-for-nothing elf-father that it’s time to stop watching the leprechauns wrestle because it’s dinner-time.”

i need interesting things to write about

I am eager to help you with this topic.

Here are a list of ten things that are interesting that you could write about. Ready?

  1. MONSTER TRUCKS FROM OUTER SPACE
  2. THE SEX TECHNIQUES OF MUMMIES
  3. CAT DANCES
  4. THE DANGERS OF HIGH FRUCTOSE FUCK SYRUP
  5. COCAINE SUBMARINES
  6. HOW TO PIMP YOUR MYSPACE PAGE WITH SWEET GLITTER JAMS
  7. TOP TEN BABOONS WHO ARE ALSO INTERNATIONAL SPIES
  8. METEOR ADDICTS
  9. WOMBATS, JUST WOMBATS
  10. FUCKING AWESOME SHIT

There you go. See? Super-easy.

Also, any of those double as: band names, album names, memoir titles, or nicknames.

daddy’s little naughty secret

I know, I know, you want Daddy’s Little Naughty secret to be like, “Ooh, he’s sticking it to the babysitter!” but really, it’s more like, “Uh-oh, Daddy sometimes lets the dogs babysit the toddler while he drinks beer and plays ten minutes of Call of Duty please don’t tell Mom.”

full powder purple scissor

This is the variant of LSD that killed Jimi Hendrix. True story.

devil beard

“Devil beard.” Definition: smooth cheeks that contain no beard. For no beard is truly of the devil and thus the devil thrives on a face shorn of its potent godly locks. Usage: “Be wary, my friend, for I don’t trust that baby-cheeked lad. He’s got the devil beard, that one. The angels are not with him or his hollow, wan-fleshed countenance.”

how do I gain sex sense?

You first must be bitten by a radioactive sex monkey. And that will grant you the superheroic “sex sense” ability. You’ll run around and be all like, “YO MY SEX SENSE IS TINGLING” and everyone is all like, “Ew, put your boner away, weirdo, you’re getting pecker tracks on my doilies.” And then you use your magic super-boner to fling yourself into the night to fight heinous fuckery. I just saw this last night on Law & Order: SVU.

what do you call people who constantly stab you in the back?

I’m sure there’s gotta be a word for that. Hmm. Let’s see. Let’s noodle it. Stabberbackers? No. Knifeybacks? Hmm. Kidneypokers? That can’t be it. Gimme a few minutes.

scary short sentences

“Look, vampires!”

“We’re crashing.”

“IRS calling.”

“I’m pregnant.”

how much percent can get the pigeon?

This is some kind of code phrase, isn’t it? You’re using my blog like some kind of numbers station, aren’t you? What’s this mean? Who are you people? Russians? Ukranians? MOONSYLVANIANS? What happens if I don’t post this? Will the nukes launch? Will an ambassador to Grogflogistan be executed in the public square of St. Vicarspetersville? What happens if I do post this? Is the Cold War over? Restarting? Will you attack us with birds? Pigeons? Or is pigeon a metaphor? Are you trying to control my mind with the bird flu?

*begins swaddling self with aluminum foil*

*also Saran Wrap because why the fuck not*

fuck your life story show me your tits book

What is a “tits book?”

Is that a book that has tits on it? Just a drawing? Or maybe actual attached tits?

Jeez. That feels egregious. Are they lady tits? Man tits? And why is my life story not worth telling? Though, I suppose you’re right, if given the choice between publishing my life story and publishing a book that has a pair of boobs hanging off of it, I’m sure the publisher would just go with the boobie-book because, y’know, it’d sell. In fact, I’m sure in here somewhere is a metaphor for the entire publishing industry laid bare. Let’s not look too long.

beer shaped like boobs book

BACKSTABBER!

Nailed it!

Wait, sorry, what were we talking about?

Something about boobs and books again?

Man, Internet, you have a singular mind.

WHATEVS.

do women poop on the toilet?

They do not. That’s why ladies go to the bathroom together. They poop into each others’ hands, then they all have a good healthy cry before depositing the poop in specially-marked poop urns. This all sounds very disgusting, but I assure you, lady-poops are the lightest, most delicate little things. They’re like little pink-frosted meringue cups. Lady-poops smell like roasted strawberries and Ugandan vanilla. When a lady poops, you thank her. You thank her.

peeing through bread

This is actually how you clean your pee. It’s also how you dirty your bread.

i’ve got scary dragon eyes

And I’ve got freaky goblin balls. TOGETHER WE WILL FIGHT CRIME.

when my mind is fucking my creativity

To get real for a second, that’s kind of the rub, isn’t it? Our minds are the places where our creativity is forged and where our stories grow and struggle to be born but it’s also in our mind that self-doubt lurks and skulks and darts out of the darkness to smother our creativity under its own sweaty monster flesh — in fact, we can be downright creative in the ways we try to defeat our own creativity, turning our narrative instincts inward to the darkened corridors where nightmare stories of rejection and fear and worthlessness hunt.

Creativity is weird that way. A snake with mouths at both ends.

protagonist and analingus

Holy crap, I hope you just misspelled “antagonist.”

If not, I hope your protagonist practices safe licking habits.

my novel is shit

Well, of course it is. All novels are shit at some point or another. But see, that’s the joy of the novel — it can always be unshitted. You have as much time as you need to deshittify your novel. You get as many attempts to unspackle the poop from your storytelling efforts. How many other careers offer just such a benefit? Except maybe, y’know, janitor? Sorry, sorry, “custodial engineer.” Which is also a synonym for “writer,” so. Uh. There’s that.

my wife is shit

Your wife is probably very lovely, now stop.

my life is shit

Now you’re just being dramatic. Go have some ice cream and cool down.

wendig sex porn

I’m assuming this is the last thing anybody wants. Some gallumphing bearded, bespectacled weirdo with inky mutts flailing while his pale cave cricket body is thrusting and shuddering and his tongue is licking sweat from his mustache while he attempts to also type another 1000 words at the same time he commits the heinous act that in no world could be called “lovemaking?” You’d destroy the whole internet. MAYBE THE WHOLE WORLD. Nobody wants to see me naked.

No. Really. Avert your gaze. Seriously. Because –

*whips off clothes, runs screaming through the 1s and 0s*

HA HA HA HA HA I WILL DESTROY IT ALL

IA IA WENDIG NUDE FTHAGN

CARRIER LOST

N*h86g&^R55wqia

37 comments

  • Another scary short sentence – well okay, it’s not really a sentence is when you heard anyone who is a doctor, nurse or a dentist say: ‘Oops’ … especially when they’ve been working on you and you’re only given a local. It’s the last thing you want anyone of those professions to say!

    • True story: My sister-in-law was having lasik surgery, guy started the big, scary, death-ray laser up and said “oops. Don’t worry, we can fix that, but we have to wait for it to heal first. Do you want me to do the other eye now?”

  • I lost it at “Protagonist and Analingus” and had to stuff my hand in my mouth to shut myself up because I didn’t want to have to explain to anyone in the room what I was laughing at.

  • God, you’re funny… Now you’ve got me wanting to go pee through bread. Because, you know, pee should be clean. Really. And I want to see if it works.

    Seriously, self-doubt can be creative. You just have to put it on display and rip open your chest and expose your heart. Flog those fears where everyone can see. Perfection, like the fae, may bring admiration, but it’s the dumpy elves, the ones who fall balls over britches and end up sniffling snot while they laugh face down in the moss who win our hearts. (The elves, not the snot. No one wants that. Well, maybe snot gnomes but no one else.)

  • Carrier Lost. Unfortunately, a joke lost on many, the cruel punchline spat to your tube when your 28,800 screaming chickens vanish off the wire.

    I’m going back to carrier pigeon.

  • I had to try so hard not to laugh I actually teared up a little. And now I have to try not to laugh from all the mental images I have.
    Great post to read before going to bed. =D

  • Oh, I thought that was peeing through BEARD. And you seemed to think it was quite possible. And I was wondering what sort of contortions that would involve, assuming it was your own beard (and pee). Messy.

  • These make me giggle, especially the ‘analingus’ one! My word, the world is rich and varied and STAH-RANGE. At least, the interwebs are.

  • “Protagonist and Analingus” …nearly murdered me. I tried to stop the sudden burst of laughter which set off a chain reaction of pain somewhere in the body, but the laughter overtook it all. I couldn’t explain to the roommate just what was so funny as to wake him up. I’ll send it to him at work tomorrow…

  • OK. There must be a band created with the name MONSTER TRUCKS FROM SPACE.

    Their first album can be eponymous. The second will be “The Sex Techniques of Mummies” and the third will be “Fucking Awesome Shit”. This must happen. If it doesn’t I will eventually have to write a book where it is true. Unless Chuck has dibs of course.

  • This just encourages me to try and locate this blog via insane google searches, just to fuck with your mind.

    *searches for ‘Wendig does Goatse’.*

  • Peeing through bread followed by I have scary dragon eyes put me over the edge. Had to explain to my boss why i was turning red from poorly concealed gales of laughter.

    I really need to stop reading your posts at work, but I just don’t see that happening any time soon

      • March 13, 2013 at 5:55 PM // Reply

        I may not get laid again for a long time. I couldn’t stop myself from reading this at full volume to the boyfriend. He didn’t seem nearly as appreciative as I had hoped he’d be, but that just created a completely different kind of joy so I followed him around the house and read on.

        There were tears in my eyes and it was all I could do to press on and not just stop because I was laughing too hard, both at what I was reading and at him. We are compete opposites and there are days that I just cannot resist poking at the edges of his sensibilities.

        He may very well cut me off for a while. It was worth it. I’ll take it out on my keyboard. Derprived and inspried by frustration project? Anger fucking? Make-up sex? Any of those work for me. Nobody really cares, let alone cares about who is actually getting laid. For the record, I do find stability to be such a bore though. I would rather get cut off once in a while for misbehaving. Life is more colorful that way.

        We shall see, but however it ends, tormenting him with dragons and balls and other glorious sorts of fuckery was worth it!

        Thanks for the fit of minor hysteria and the motivation to get back to work.

        I’m still giggling, which is weird coming from me.

    • I feel weird answering, but here goes. Pee comes out sterile, but turns toxic very quickly. According to Bear Grylls (and he could NEVER be wrong) it’s only safe for an hour or so.

      You also risk contact with fecal coloform bacteria when you flush the toilet, so you have reasons outside of pee to wash up.

  • This freakin’ post. Few things make me feel stranger than uncontrollable chuckling in the middle of an empty Science Fiction Forum. Thanks dude.

  • I was crying with silent laughter at work just now. THANKS A LOT.

    Here’s one I got on my blog recently: “lilo and stitch jk porn”

    Erm. Uh. Maybe you can figure that one out, because I’ve got nothing.

  • You have more fun with words than anybody I know. I love it. And it’s inspiring. I want to let my mind run loose, too. I wonder what will happen.

  • This made me giggle quite a lot. I especially liked that your Satyr/Elf couple appear to be gay?

    My most recent interesting search terms were the juxtaposition of “creepy mummies” and “mummiesex.” Which, ew!

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