Fake Spam From The Ancient Accountants
I just got this email:
Dear Sir/Madam,
I is Archibold N.M. Bettesworth, the Personal Underling to the Ancient One. After a lengthy investigations of scrolls and tombs, we discovered that your lineage is heir to an overdue payment, which was unissued due to dimensional legislation at the time payment was obliged.
However, due to current strict rules of dimensional matter we are unfairly unable to honor the agreement between the Ancient One and your Great-great-great Grandfather. Our best scholars and top occultists have assured us that there is no way to produce the 6.66 Million Dollars that is owed to you because of the obtuse laws that govern interdimensional monetary dispensation. Successfully, our best investigators had found a loophole that allow us to extricate the monies to you, the descendent of your Great-great Grandfather the original party to the contracts, in exchange for the minor allocation of your soul, which we are equally unhappy with but believe to be best course for both parties.
We know this money would have been very been a facial to your family in the recent stresses of the economy and rapid steep fiscal cliff. As such we desire to give you all your money faster. Therefore you are advised to re-confirm your ancestry to your Great-great-great Grandfather and repeat the following incantation whilst in the middle of a pentagram diagram the eve of a full moon night:
“Nunc ego tribuo meus animus ut aperta mundorum et liberum Obscuram Princeps. Et ubi est vita vestigiis pergamus.”
Please email me and confirm that I have reached the correct descendant of your Great-great-great Grandfather.
Most gratifully yours,
N.M. Bettesworth
Personal Underling to the Ancient One
That doesn’t even need my commentary.
Whoever wrote that, well-played. It even has some fucked-up grammar in there. (Or maybe that was accidental, who can say?) Is this a joke? A riff on the earlier FBI spam mail I got?
Either way: funny stuff.
I mean, don’t do it again. This is a one-time-only amusement. I don’t want a deluge of “ha-ha-funny-not-spam” emails drowning me.
But still: well-played.
I wonder if I should write back?
laurakcurtis
December 13, 2012 at 9:06 PM //
It might be been a facial to right back.
Tim Lumpkins (@TimLumpkins)
December 23, 2012 at 4:52 PM //
That is by far my favorite line from that email.
Patricia (@patricialynne07)
December 13, 2012 at 9:09 PM //
That is funny. I think my favorite part is about the “minor allocation of your soul”. This reminds me of a spam message I got a few years ago. I kept it because it was so funny. A hitman emailed me to inform me that a close friend wanted me dead but he wouldn’t kill me if I gave him a few thousand but if I didn’t, he had no choice but to carry out the contract. I laughed my ass off over it.
erimeh
December 13, 2012 at 9:14 PM //
Well it could be as much fun as baiting actual spammers. Though if Mr N.M. Bettesworth (and his fellow minions) are as tenacious as the FBI/Nigeria Bank fellows it could last a good long while.
J. Chapman
December 13, 2012 at 9:15 PM //
String em along, scam-baiter style?
Stephen Blackmoore
December 13, 2012 at 9:23 PM //
And you don’t want a facial, do you?
Jules
December 13, 2012 at 10:48 PM //
That was kinda brilliant, actually!
Scott Zachary
December 14, 2012 at 1:15 AM //
“Now would I give my soul to the Dark Prince of the open and free of worlds. And where is the life of following in the footsteps let us continue.”
Oh crap, I said the words. Now what?
Virender Singh
December 14, 2012 at 6:05 AM //
Lol . . where do these mails come from? who writes these and why?
Kathleen Cassen Mickelson
December 14, 2012 at 9:01 AM //
I bet Santa would know how to do interdimensional monetary dispensation. Check your socks.
http://oneminnesotawriter.blogspot.com
Alex
December 14, 2012 at 10:31 AM //
Pyramid power!
inkgrrl
December 14, 2012 at 1:07 PM //
Beautifully done. I’d love to read one that’s along the lines of a book review.
Jeremy Jones
December 16, 2012 at 10:45 PM //
I like the last line, “Please email me and confirm that I have reached the correct descendant of your Great-great-great Grandfather.”
I’d write back, “No, unfortunately I went back in time and killed my great-great-great grandfather before he had kids. As such I’ve created a temporal paradox where I may or may not exist depending on whether or not I’ve stopped myself from preventing my own birth.”
Tim Whitcher
December 18, 2012 at 10:20 PM //
Obviously, N.M. Bettesworth is merely a minion of Yog Sothoth Attorney at Law, representing the Great Cthulhu. I don’t think I’d respond.