I Will Defeat You, Dreaded Pancakes

No, “Dreaded Pancakes” is not the nickname of my nemesis.

Here’s the deal.

I bought a waffle iron (cue readers saying, “Buh buh buh but he said pancakes) and have been enjoying the unholy fuck out of it. It’s a Presto something-or-other. Pretty standard Belgian waffle-maker. Gets hot. Cooks the waffles in three minutes. Bam. Boom. Deliciousness. (I am at present using a recipe, aptly called The Best Ever Waffles, supplied to me by the wise @xiehicks on the Twitters.)

(Cue readers saying, “Uhh, he’s still talking about waffles. Does this dim-bulb know the difference between a waffle and a pancake? Honey, I think this guy’s a real dum-dum. So sad.”)

The point: I’m getting to it.

The reason I wanted to procure a waffle-maker is that my pancakes never turn out right.

I’ve made pancakes for years. Years. I’ve tried dozens of recipes — and, let’s be frank, it’s not like you have that many varieties of pancake recipe out there. It’s not like you find that one special recipe where you’re suddenly all, “OH MY GOD, this recipe uses seal blubber and oregano! That’s the secret! Holy shit!” And after that it’s just an endless reiteration of perfect motherfucking pancakes, right? Right.

My pancakes, to clarify, are not bad, per se. They’re edible. They’re sometimes even good. This is where you’re likely asking, “So what’s the problem, moron? Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.”

To which I say, “Yes, good point.” Except — when I go to a diner, or frankly any establishment that makes pancakes, I get these big pancakes that are light and fluffy and porous and heavy too at the same time and really, they’re just great. They are restaurant-quality flapjacks.

I cannot achieve this at home no matter how I try.

Mine are always these little puffy urinal pucks (though one presumes better-tasting).

A little thick, a little cakey.

So, I demand to know your secrets.

Someone out there is making kick-ass pancakes, and it ain’t me. Are you making diner-quality pancakes? What’s your trick? Is it a batter thing? A heat component? A matter of cooking surface?

Gun to your head: GIVE UNTO ME YOUR SWEET PANCAKERY.