250 Things You Should Know About Writing: Now Available

Psst.

Psssst.

*gesticulates wildly in or near your field of vision*

I HAVE SHAT ANOTHER E-BOOK INTO THE WORLD.

*receives notes from handler*

Oh. I’m supposed to be more upbeat? More market-savvy? Oh. Oh. That makes sense. Let’s try this.

I SQUATTED IN YOUR DIGITAL TRENCH AND BIRTHED ANOTHER ELECTRONIC WORD BABY.

Better? Excellent.

I give unto thee, 250 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WRITING.

Let’s right now just get your options for procurement outta the way…

Kindle (US): Buy Here

Kindle (UK): Buy Here

Nook: Buy Here

Or, buy the PDF ($0.99) by clicking the BUY NOW button:


(Note that buying the PDF is through Paypal. Paypal will tell me you’ve procured the e-book and then you’ll get an email from me — usually within 15 minutes — with the book attached. The only caveat is, if I cannot access a computer — like, say, when I’m asleep? — then the file will have to wait until I can drag my draggy ass out of bed and send it to you.)

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

What In The King Hell Is This?

Remember those “25 Things” lists I’ve been doing? This is those, compiled. With four new lists.

You may be saying, “Gee whillikers, Wendig, that’s not enough to convince me. Can’t you do better?” I can, and will. And also: don’t say gee whillikers. This is a NSFW site, and I demand you use proper profanity like the booze-brined penmonkey you’re supposed to be. Instead of “gee whillikers,” let’s try, “By the fuck-hammer of Odin’s bastard cock, Wendig, that’s not enough to convince me.”

1. A Sticky Faceload of Value Adds

Contained within you’ll find, “25 Things You Should Know About…”

… Being A Writer!

… Writing A Novel!

… Storytelling!

… Character!

… Dialogue!

… Plot!

… Editing/Revising/Rewriting!

And you’ll also find four brand new lists, comprising roughly 10,000 words:

“25 Things You Should Know About…”

… Writing A Fucking Sentence!

… Writing A Screenplay!

… Description!

… Getting Published!

Features such new “things” as:

Beware The Sentence With A Big Ass, I Want To Buy The Semi-Colon A Private Sex Island, The Publishing Dog You Choose To Be, Atmospheric Description Burns Like Alien Syphilis, Too Many Characters Foul The Orgy, and Pricking The Reader’s Oculus With This Grim And Gleaming Lancet.

Now, those pesky mathologists among you will do some quick accounting on the abacus that is your “fingers and toes,” and you will discover that this equals 11 lists, not 10. And 11 x 25 is not 250.

It’s actually 275.

Which means that, yes, the title is a total lie. But let’s be honest — “250 Things” sounds much better. Right? Right. Plus, that way I can say, “25 bonus tips to penetrate your quivering eyeholes!”

Everybody likes bonus shit. You know who doesn’t? Al Qaeda.

2. Cheaper Than A Dollar

You can’t buy much for a dollar in this lifetime. It costs more to buy a jar of goddamn jelly. And if you’re like me, that jar of jelly isn’t going to last long. You’re a jellyhead. I can smell the pectin on you. Look at you twitching for your next fix. Sticky fingers? Mm-hmm. I know the signs. “C’mon, man. I’ll take store-brand! Store-brand! I’m Jonesing for my jam, bro.”

That jelly is temporary. But my Red Ryder wagon full of writing wisdom is forever. Or, at least, it is until the Great EMP of 2016 wipes out the electronic memory of All Computers Everywhere. Oops.

This book is one cent cheaper than a dollar. That’s cheaper than a Lady Gaga single.

(Also note that eventually, I’ll raise the price to $2.99. So get in while the gettin’s good.)

3. If You Don’t Buy It, I’ll Eat This Baby

No, seriously. Look. See that cute cherubic baby? The one who looks terrified? Yeah. You don’t buy it, I’m going to have to eat him. Gobble him right up. Won’t be difficult — he’s very small, and so cute and sweet he probably tastes like a Jolly Rancher candy. Or maybe a churro. Mmm. Churro. Anyway. The point is, I’ve got a baby. A baby who needs to eat, not a baby who needs to be eaten. You can help make that call. For just the price of a cup of cheap gas station coffee, you can prevent me from cannibalizing my own progeny.

If You Are Compelled By Black Magic To Do More, More, More

As always, the two biggest ways of supporting the book are as follows:

a) Tell people via the various social media iterations (Twitter, Facebook, Google+, and whatever other social media site comes popping its head out of an Internet bolthole).

b) Leave a review, whether at Amazon, B&N, GoodReads, or your own blog.

I would also be obliged to remind you that I have another book about writing advice, COAFPM, or CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY. I would also remind you that currently my Whirring Doom-Bots have a “Penmonkey Incitement Program,” where the more copies I sell of that book, the greater rewards I give out. For every 50 sales, I send out a postcard. For every 100, I give away a t-shirt. For every 200, I offer a copy-edit of someone’s work. For every 500, I will give away a Kindle. If I sell a billion, I will eat my weight in gold medallions.

What Comes After This?

COAFPM is selling well, and if this also sells well, you’ll probably see more books on writing from Yours Truly. I may also cobble together a small book of humorous essays if I find that interest exists. Finally, I’ve got a series of novellas I plan to self-publish — the first draft of the first is done, now working on edits and an outline for the second novella.

In November, I’ve got DOUBLE DEAD coming out with Abaddon. Then in May I’ve got BLACKBIRDS with Angry Robot. The follow-up to that, MOCKINGBIRDS, will hit… er, sometime thereafter.

My Gratitude Gambols About Like A Randy Goat

Regardless, just wanted to say thanks to any who buy the book and continue supporting me not eating my baby. I mean, supporting my ever-growing bourbon habit. I mean, supporting a lone penmonkey just wriggling through the publishing trenches. You know what I mean.

33 comments

  • I have just purchased said item, and why wouldn’t you? It’s cheaper than a bottle of water. Think that’s worth repeating. It is cheaper, than water. 86 pence, a steal.

  • Crap. I misread that as ‘If you buy it, I’ll eat this baby’. I’ll try to dampen my disappointment by reading some profane writing advice.

  • I was wondering when you’d find a reason to use this picture on the site. Well played. Trouble is, now you’ve gotta get your “About the Author” and “Books for Sale” updated again. You’re just making more work for yourself with all these books, man. 😉

    (Also, my money goes to keeping the baby his current, adorable, undigested state. It’s nice to have another book to refer to when I’m busy botching the basics of writing.)

  • I was actually printing off your lists and getting righteously annoyed at how much extraneous crap was also printing. I find this book easier to load on my ipad and less drawing on the worlds supply of pulp. So I approve and will chuck 89p your way when I get home. Well, I say 89p but methinks you dont take all of that. Anyway, im doing it for the children too, so will claim it as a charitable endeavour.

  • As much fun as it would be to watch you cannibalise your offspring, I too have purchased a copy of your book. With all that extra money you can buy like a bottle-cap worth of bourbon, dammit!

    I am, however, somewhat disappointed by the lack of unicorn. Ah well, what can I expect for a measly 99 cents? 😀

  • By the God Slaying Cock of Odin Fuckhammer! How do you keep releasing these things on the days when I’m like “self, it’s time to drop some $ on some new reads!” Buying now!

  • I have to admit that your offspring looks more bored than terrified in this picture. Like he’s saying “Oh gods, my dad’s taking ANOTHER crazy picture of me for his website.” Jeez the baby’s only a few months old and already he seems apathetic to his dad’s crazy shenanigans. Normally you have to wait for their teenage years before that happens, so I guess little B-dub’s a very fast learner. 😛
    Saying that, I’m definitely going to be picking up 250YSKAW within the next couple of days. Oh and congratulations on the book’s release, as well as your forthcoming releases. It’s good to know I’ll have some good books to look forward to reading in the future.

  • I managed to read this blog on my phone, then download and start reading the book on my Kindle while waiting for a PC to hurry up and reboot today.
    Oh, technology.

  • You had me at pectin.

    And your cherub looks so much like my cherub {who is now a chebrute}, it strikes me that you are going to need a lot of grocery money.

    Plus, you are nuts and I like that. 🙂

  • I just snagged a Kindle copy.

    But eat (parts of) the baby anyway. He doesn’t look suitably terrified of you in that photo. Let him get away with that now, when he’s just a few months old, and his teenage years are *really* going to suck for you.

    So, I say nibble off a couple of his toes. Then, when he starts irritating you in more-creative ways than pooping the diaper, you can just say, “Listen, No-Big-Toes, I thought we covered this back in ’11 with the toe noshing.”

    Well, that’s how I *think* parenting works, anyway. 🙂

  • Awesome. It’s a little more than $0.99 ($3.44 to be precise) for me since I’m not in the US and the UK store isn’t available to me, but it’s still worth it.

    Make sure you add some seasoning to the baby, I find the flavor gets really brought out by a sprinkle of lemon and some fresh parsley.

  • Wow, 63 Great British Pence. Looks like I won on the exchange rate.

    Is your next project ‘250 Things You Should Know About Self-Promotion’? Including 25 ways to sell books by threatening violence to small cute humans…

  • I’d been holding off because I’ve been debating about getting a Kindle vs. an iPod + the Kindle app. But I’m poor and I can’t stand it anymore. Fuck it. PDF it is.

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