Why Your Self-Published Book May Suck A Bag Of Dicks

This Old Rustbucket

A loser is the guy with a for sale sign on a dirty car just phoning it in.”

— Mark Burnett (seen via a tweet by Mike Monello)

Dear Self-Published Word Badgers,

I’d like to take a little time out to commend you for your intrepid publishing spirit! And by “commend you,” I mean, “slap you about the head and neck with your own bludgeoning shame.”

No, I’m not talking to all of you. A good lot of you are doing as you should. I have in the past week alone been exposed to a wondrous number of self-published goodies, whether by excellent writers seeking an avenue for their unpublished (or presently unpublishable) works or by tried-and-true DIY storytellers who have been honing their own punk-publishing endeavors to an icepick’s point.

I am, however, talking to some of you.

Some of you should be really quite floored by the quality — or, rather, the sucking maw of quality, a veritable black hole of hope and promise that leeches the dreams from the minds of little girls sleeping and replaces those dreams with nightmares where unicorns are stabbed repeatedly by interlopers on icy sidewalks and left to whimper and bleat until the police come and finally end their misery with a single round from a service revolver bang — that your work puts out into the world.

You think I’m being mean.

Okay. You’re not wrong. I’ll cop to that. I’m not being a nice man.

Here’s the thing, though. I (and I’m sure other capable writers) have noticed and noted that self-publishing bears a certain stigma. With the term comes the distinct aroma of flopsweat born out of the desperation of Amateur Hour — it reeks of late night Karaoke, of meth-addled Venice Beach ukelele players, of middle-aged men who play basketball and still clutch some secret dream of “going pro” despite having a gut that looks like they ate a basketball rather than learned to play with one.

Self-publishing just can’t get no respect.

This is, of course, in contrast to other DIY endeavors. You form a band and put out a record yourself, well, you’re indie. You’re doing it your way. Put out a film, you’re a DIY filmmaker, an independent artist, a guy who couldn’t be pinned down by the Hollywood system. You self-publish a book, and the first thought out of the gate is, “He wasn’t good enough to get it published. Let’s be honest — it’s probably just word poop.”

This is in part because it’s a lot harder to put an album or a film out into the world. You don’t just vomit it forth. Some modicum of talent and skill must be present to even contemplate such an endeavor and to attain any kind of distribution. The self-publishing community has no such restriction. It is blissfully easy to be self-published. I could take this blog post, put it up on the Amazon Kindle store and in 24 hours you could download it for ninety-nine cents. It’s like being allowed to make my own clothing line out of burlap and pubic hair and being allowed to hang it on the racks at J.C. Penney.

And so it must fall to the community to police itself. You cannot and will not and should not be stopped from self-publishing. But, when you self-publish the equivalent to a manatee abortion rotting on a reef bed, you should be dragged into the city square and flogged with your own ineptitude for gumming up the plumbing with your old underpants.

If, perchance, you don’t know if I happen to be referring to you, let’s see if you pass this easy test. Don’t worry — it’s just a handful of questions. Relax. Take a deep breath. And begin.

Does Your Cover Look Anything Like This?

Hound Riders

Fond of the Papyrus font, are you? Or Comic Sans, perhaps? Do you enjoy book covers that seem to make no visual sense? That offer titles whose design and meaning are utterly indiscernible? That when seen at a glance are merely puzzling, but that when viewed up close accidentally provoke vomiting and dizziness in all but the most stalwart, war-tested super-soldiers?

Take your cover and compare it to these covers. Is it anything like this great cover? Or howabout this one? Or are you instead closer to this?

I know what you’re saying: “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

Mm-hmm. Sure, no, no, I hear you. Let’s try this experiment: I’m going to dress in a Hefty bag. Then I am going to roll around in a dumpster. If I’m lucky, I’ll manage to get a week-old Caesar salad stuck in my beard! Then I’m going to come to your place of work and try to sell you a sandwich. No? Don’t want to buy my delicious sandwich? It’s really good. Wait, what’s your problem, man? Does my smell turn you off? Hey. Hey. Don’t judge a book by its cover. You should look deeper. Beyond my eye-watering odor. Beyond my beard-salad. Gaze into my heart, and then buy my motherfucking sandwich.

No? Still not cracking the wallet?

Same thing goes for your e-book, pal.

Hire a cover designer. Your book should look like a book someone can find on the shelves at Borders.

(Or, at least, before Borders goes tits up.)

Does Your Book’s Product Description Read As If It Were Written By A Child, A Monkey, Or A Schizophrenic (Or A Schizophrenic Monkey Child)?

SET IN PRESENT DAY VICTORIAN ENGLAND, DARYL WALDROP IS PROTECTED AT NIGHT BY A GORUP OF INVISIBLE BEINGS NOWN AS THE HIGH COLONY AND THE HIGH COLONY UNDERSTAND THAT DARYL IS SPECIAL SO THEY SEND HIM ON SECRET MISSIONS TO QUEST FOR THE GOLDEN STEAMPUNK CLOCKWORK HORN OF —

*gun in mouth*

*brains form a middle finger on the wall*

I swear to Christ, you read some of these descriptions and I think, “I could write better than this when I was in the eighth goddamn grade.” This isn’t good. Because I was a talentless little shit in eighth grade (and may still remain one, but you keep your damn fool mouth shut, you).

I know, I know, I’m being mean again.

But seriously, somebody has to be. Your product description is designed in some way large or small to entice me. It is both a sales pitch and an emblem of your writing ability. If you can’t even string together three sentences without resorting to ALL CAPS HOLY CRAPS or without confusing me from the outset, I gotta tell you, you’re pretty much fucked.

Did Anyone Actually Edit Your Book?

Anyone at all? Your mother? Your evil twin? A semi-literate orangutan?

If the answer is no, well, then, your self-published book might suck a big ol’ sloppy bag of dicks.

Best fix: hire an editor. Or at least farm it out to a capable wordmonkey friend who will do you a solid.

Or: orangutan. I mean, it’s better than nothing.

Is Your Free Downloadable Sample A Testament To Your Raging Lack Of Talent?

Your sample is supposed to be representative of your work. It should be shining testament — an unyielding pillar — demonstrating just how much I’m wetting my man-panties trying to give you my money.

Unfortunately, when I click most free samples, my panties? Dry as a saltine cracker.

I see: bad grammar, awful spelling, opening paragraphs so flat and full you could use them to pound stakes into hard earth, hateful spasms one might refer to as “characters” (if one were being charitable), and other outstanding goblins that earn only disdain and dismissal.

It’s like the quote at the fore of this article says: don’t slap a for sale sign on a dirty car.

Don’t put your worst foot forward. Of course, with some of the self-published e-books out there, my worry is that your bile-soaked downloadable sample is actually your best foot forward.

In which case, uh-oh.

Yes, Blah Blah Blah, I’m A Big Blue Meanie

Not only am I a meanie, but I’m taking easy shots. Hell, I already told you, self-publishing has a stigma. I’m not making it up. It isn’t new. Everybody knows to throw iceballs at the fat kid with the ice cream on the ground and the self-published Book Seven Of Made-Up Fantasy Series under his pudgy wing. By this point, I’m just throwing snow on that fat kid’s long-decaying body.

You want self-publishing to stand on its own feet? Get your shit together. You think publishing is full of mean ol’ myopic gatekeepers and you can do it better? How is anybody supposed to take you seriously when you can’t even approach a fraction of the quality found in books on bookstore shelves, books put out by publishers big and small?

You’re going to put something out there, make it count. Don’t fuck it up for the rest of the authors — you know, the ones who actually put out a kick-ass book. Hell, some of this stuff goes for me, too. I can do better. I can always do better. We should always strive to improve our books, our sales, our connection to the audience.

More succinctly: stop splashing around in the kiddie pool.

And while we’re talking about, stop peeing there, too.

Because, ew.

So rude.

174 comments

  • @Chuck

    Thank you for posting this and thank you for being mean. I have a fairly well-enforced rule against flaming on my writing blog, but sometimes I wish I didn’t. Maybe you’re right; maybe publically humiliating the authors that eff things up for the rest of us would convince them to stop. It might be worth a try.

    There is a huge stigma surrounding self publishing*, and as tempting as it is to blame it all on close-minded slaves-to-the-Establishment, I think the majority of it has to fall on the authors.

    Before I decided to self publish, one of my favourite ways to pass an afternoon was to sit in a coffee shop with my best friend and look up things like “Self-published Teen Christian Fiction” and laugh uproariously at the results.

    Anywhom, I’m teal deering again, so I’ll leave you with this gem I found when I first started looking for a print-on-demand company that suited me. Click the preview; you’ll thank me**

    http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/george-orwells-1984/3810567

    *The public library in my hometown doesn’t want to carry my book.
    **Hate me and wish me dead.

  • You do realize that “E for Ennui” guy is going to go through the whole alphabet? Z will presumably stand for “ZOMG”. And X for “Xcrement”.

    In any case, I think self-published crap is a self-correcting problem. Eventually it’ll not sell for long enough that the crapper will either learn or get bored and fling crap elsewhere.

    Alternatively, Smashwords could just not display any book that can’t even make it into their Premium Catalog. Until that happens though, I’m not hazarding the Smashwords page to search for good books. I will, though, totally self-publish a 100,000 word lorem ipsum and see what happens.

  • Good quote today at Spinetingler Mag from Tom Piccirilli:

    Q: The Kindle seems to be a double-edged sword. It’s simplified self-publishing, and hindered predatory presses that exploit aspiring authors, but it’s also helped open the floodgates to unedited works that could deter readers from purchasing self-published works.

    A: The ease of print-on-demand publishing started that trend several years before Kindle got off the ground. Already tons of unedited, typo-riddled self-published works were showing up on Amazon and in stores. The ease of publishing and e-publishing throws a young writer’s learning curve completely out of wack. It’s fine to have the arrogance of youth and think you’re the new Hemingway. That’s a natural part of the process. But back in the day an agent or book or magazine editor would be there to smack you on the nose and say, “Look, this just isn’t good enough. You need to go back and keep trying. Keep learning. Keep polishing, and maybe someday you’ll learn your craft well enough to become published.” Now the bar is so lowered that a lot of writers don’t realize they’re not Hemingway. They’ve done what they set out to do. Get published. Even if only grandma reads their self-published novel. Even if their numbers on Kindle are in the ten millions. It doesn’t matter. They’re blinded and weakened by having attained their moderate dream so goddamn easily. They want to be published. They don’t want to be writers.

    http://www.spinetinglermag.com/2011/02/02/interview-with-tom-piccirilli-about-e-publishing-nightjack/

    — c.

  • @Chuck, you nailed this one on all points. What I love the most about this post is how well you make the argument for self-publishing done right and against self-publishing done wrong all at once. It frightens me to see the hideous covers that people think will work for a self-published book. I’ve received graphic arts training, and I still have enough sense to know I don’t have the chops to produce a quality book cover.

    @David Barron… You are more optimistic than I am. I fear the well of hack writers willing to waste money on a self-published pile of word-poop never runs dry. They are like a hydra. No sooner has one learned his lesson (or run out of money) than two more appear to fill the void.

  • Gee. I thought I was just in a bad mood last night when I came across two semi-literate book descriptions by the same “author.” Maybe the “author” is guilty of nothing more than being a “talentless little shit in eighth grade,” and maybe I was being unusually nasty, even for me, but it was horrendous stuff.

  • Funny as usual, but you’re preaching to the choir. The people putting out hideous novels literally cannot tell the difference between good and bad work. They’re sitting back right now going, “Ha, that cover! Good thing I asked my niece the freshman community-college design student to make mine for me.” That is perhaps the saddest part about self-publishing. They genuinely think their excerpts are good.

  • Wordity word word. I’ve given up browsing through SF/F titles in the Kindle store & on Fictionwise just because of the absolute truckloads of craptastic shite out there and 1000s of re-formatted Gutenberg books.

    I am so glad I never took the bait dangled in front of me when I was first looking for a publisher. It paid to wait–I’m totally embarrassed to think of the utter craptitude that was the draft I *thought* was ready for publication.

    • @Maria:

      Wordity word word. I’ve given up browsing through SF/F titles in the Kindle store & on Fictionwise just because of the absolute truckloads of craptastic shite out there and 1000s of re-formatted Gutenberg books.

      This. A thousand times, this. You’ve given up the browsing of self-published works because it’s just too hard to find good stuff. You can’t be the only one who has reached this conclusion.

      — c.

  • “Reviews represent a single filter axis, yes — but you can’t count them as some kind of critical consensus or as a watermark of quality.”

    True, this is the problem. But why can’t there be a single critical consensus? As indie authors, we’re sort of making up our whole industry, so can’t we establish something like this for ourselves? Just an idea. I blogged about it here, inspired by your post: http://lauraraeamos.com/2011/02/02/putting-my-idealist-hat-on/

    It’s a sad truth that 90% of self-published works are truly garbage, and that stigma unfortunately rubs off on the shiny ones too.

    And thanks for the laugh! Love your blog!

    • @Laura:

      I don’t know that indie authors are making their own (our own?) industry so much as forming their own, erm, “branch of government,” so to speak.

      I think the best way to gain some filter is to have reputable magazines, newspapers, blogs, authors all begin to pimp those self-published (in addition to those traditionally-published) works they love. The issue is, they are prevented from doing so because there is *so* much crap out there, it’s almost not worth it to wade into the septic tank just to look for one delicious peanut.

      — c.

  • Another great post! I’ve been leaning more and more towards self-publishing because going traditional is starting to feel like it’d be a waste of time and money. I worry about the control I’d have over my work. With self publishing I’d have more control, but it’s as you said, I can’t just throw it up and expect the dough to roll in. I need to find a cover artist, need to have a few more people look at my story and make sure it’s a glittering gem. In short, to put it in words you’re probably glad to hear, “I need to make sure it’s nowhere near a pile of shit.”

  • This was so beautifully written that I read it 6 times, which is more than I can say for about 1/2 of the poorly edited, crappy-covered, amateur-descriptionified garbage out there giving self-publishing an even worse reputation than it already has.

  • “Do you enjoy book covers that seem to make no visual sense?”

    I do, it’s why your Irregular Creatures cover works so well. It’s a cat with wings. I can’t help but enjoy it.

  • You have hit the proverbial nail on the head – in a freaking hilarious manner. Back when it took wads of cash to self-publish there was a lot less crap.

  • YES! Thank you thank you thank you! Ugh, nothing frustrates me more than bad self-published book; especially if the author’s being all high-and-mighty, “I’m rising above traditional publishing’s mediocrity” about it.

    Add to that thing about the samples the fact that some of them (I can think of one cringe-worthy series in particular) think that grammar rules are optional, so they can punctuate their sentence and dialogue however they damn well please. Also, it’s worthwhile getting the designer to design your interior as well – the poor font and layout choices I see on most self-published books make my eyes bleed, sir. They BLEED.

    Thank you for being a big blue meanie. The internet needed this.

  • @Chuck Yes! And this applies to small presses, too, the kind of small presses who is one guy and his cousin and thinks “Hey, I read! I could edit and publish, too!” and then proceeds to churn out drek. Or even worse, the guy who thinks “I can make a boatload of money off publishing! I’ll just publish everything people send me! Some of them have to be good. Readers can filter.”

    @Athena McCormick I don’t hate you and wish you dead. The “author” of that “book” you linked to, however….

  • I’m actually torn about this stuff. Part of me wants to root on the unpublished/self-published because of the way the business has come crashing down on midlist (and lower authors; myself included) … yet I do not feel self-published is legitimate. I’m not a big fan of gatekeepers of any kind but somehow going through the process (finding an agent/then a publisher) is a form of making ones bones (so to speak) and does legitimize the work (whether ultimately reviewed well or not—never mind if it sells well).

    Then there’ the great possibilities/profit of established top shelf sellers bypassing the gatekeepers altogether (frankly, I don’t know why they wouldn’t at this point; hire the editors they’ve used or another one, hire their own publicity, etc., and they’re home free it seems).

    Back to that 2nd sentence/1st paragraph and this modification. Part of me wants to root on the unpublished/self-published … only if they’ve taken the time and effort to put out something as clean as possible that is, in fact, paying reader worthy. Using friends to blurb (or serial blurbers to blurb) isn’t cutting it (from where I sit) …

    As for the out and out garbage put out there (unedited, untested, uncalled for) … I guess I haven’t encountered any because I’m still paying for reads that have come the traditional route (and I am married to my kindle these days—no more books unless there’s no other way to read them—curiously, that was the case with Crumley’s, Last Good Kiss—had to buy the book).

    I don’t see the point in making fun of those going the self-publishing route, though … what’s the point? Either they aren’t paying attention or won’t pay attention. Laughing at their expense? I don’t know … I guess it needs to be said, but maybe in a less mean way.

    Then again, I’m a big softie in my older age …

    • Charlie:

      “Then there’ the great possibilities/profit of established top shelf sellers bypassing the gatekeepers altogether (frankly, I don’t know why they wouldn’t at this point; hire the editors they’ve used or another one, hire their own publicity, etc., and they’re home free it seems).”

      I’m not sure why they *would* as yet. Top shelf sellers have top shelf deals. And those deals don’t require them to do much more than write books — which is, by the way, every writer’s dream. They have great editors. They have marketing teams. They get endcaps in Target, they get foreign rights deals, they get kick-ass covers designed, they get movie rights sold — top shelf sellers would almost be foolish to abandon their publishers *unless* they are for some reason displeased. But even then? They could hop publishers and get a great deal elsewhere. Self-publishing requires the writer to suddenly become publisher. Which means twice the workload for less money (at least, top shelf sellers would likely pull in less money).

      “I don’t see the point in making fun of those going the self-publishing route, though … what’s the point? Either they aren’t paying attention or won’t pay attention. Laughing at their expense? I don’t know … I guess it needs to be said, but maybe in a less mean way.”

      Read more closely — I’m not making fun of people who go the self-publishing route. *I* just went the self-publishing route. Friends of mine have. Writers I respect have.

      I’m mocking — openly! gladly! — those who take no care with their work, who would rather, as I said, gum up the plumbing with the equivalent to old underpants.

      — c.

  • Wow. Hopped over from Kristen Lamb’s blog (she linked you this morning) in hopes of finding something new to add to the daily list.
    Found it.
    In spades.
    Awesome post, dead on and absolutely something EVERY writer should read. One question you left out though: “Did this post make you angry? If so, bad news – it’s probably talking about you.”

  • It also doesn’t help that many of the groups and communities devoted to helping self-pubbed writers gain exposure end up being worthless cuddle-fests between people desperate for attention. The positive feedback loops don’t help anyone, and if you’re not willing to participate then you don’t get the eyes on your own page. And forget offering any constructive criticism, because then you’re labeled as “mean” and ostracized, or you receive useless retaliatory comments. Plus, you’re not finding new readers, just writers who want you to read THEIR stuff if they read YOURS.

    Solutions? I got nothin’. Champion whiner, though.

  • I’ve nothing to add really. But I do want to plant this little seed in your brain:

    Contest for the best/worst “indie” cover. Prize can be honor or more haunted vagina, flying kitty giveaways. Still, should be a grand old time.

  • I agree with @Abbra. The problem is The American Idol syndrome. Just like the tone deaf crazies that flip out on the judges when they’re told a goat with laryngitis has more vocal talent than them, the people who are self-pubbing total crap think it’s the undiscovered, misunderstood next Great American Novel.

    Unfortunately, this means there is little hope in redeeming the self-pub rep for those who deserve to be found and read.

    As always, Chuck, thanks for the great post and barrel of laughs.

  • Can I say… get over it? Every single medium is full of bad work. There are shit artists, shit musicians, shit writers. This is not news.

    Some artists I think are just phoning it in have made it bigger than I could ever hope to make it, but what do I have to do? Suck it up and get better, or try something new. Try not to torture myself over that persons existence. Do I blog about how much that person is making my life harder? No. Do I say they are ruining art forever? No.

    Because I know not every shit artist is getting recognition they don’t deserve. They are white noise for the great artists to rise above. I mean seriously, is The Hound Riders of P’toonig’ai really in danger of becoming a NYT Bestseller and threatening the literary world as we know it? Or will his Mom buy the only copy and be SO PWOUD OF HER WIDDLE WRITER!

    Do you see U2 writing rants about how they OWN music and kids practicing in their garage should pack it in? That they suck they should stop putting what they love into the world, because they are tarnishing the sacred idea of music.

    I’m tired of reading Agents bash on authors who fuck up their queries with typos. And complain that they have to wade through all the crap to get to the good stuf. Because that’s their job. They will get to the good stuff I’m sure, and they will sell a book or two and hopefully that will pay off for them. But if they expect authors and artist to be professional, they should practice what they preach.

    • @Hey Whitney —

      As noted, I am not an agent.

      Further, I’m amazed at authors who put their worst foot forward when it comes time to query agents or editors. Agents, being people too, are right to be astounded at the lack of professionalism. Those agents then have to wade through all that debris just to find the *good* authors. That’s not ideal.

      That, of course, is not really part of my post, but there it is.

      As for your other comments, well, I’m actually not sure you really grokked the gist of my post, but hey, horses for courses.

      — c.

  • I couldn’t agree with you more Chuck me old mucker. I put out an ebook in December and it shifted something like 5000 copies in the first month on Feedbooks. It didn’t make it to #1 in the new release charts because three ‘erotic’ titles were ahead of it. At least 2 of these fit into the godawful cover syndrome. The other one was… how shall I put this… not my cup of tea. This smarts even more given that not only was real care taken over the cover of my humble tome but I buried my arm in snow for fifteen goddamn minutes just so the a photograph of a hand coming out of the snow could be used on it.
    Now I’m the first to admit that I don’t always catch every single mistake first time but I make the effort, get people to read through it, that sort of thing. I couldn’t bring myself to add to the downloads of the onanist cabal so I couldn’t comment on the quality mind you.
    Whenever you see those bloody awful stink nuggets on the same website as your work it does make you die a little inside. As a wise t-shirt once said… ‘I am disappointment in your grammar’

  • RIght now, all over the internet, self published authors are telling themselves that everything you’ve said doesn’t apply to them personally.

    Sorry, it does. It applies to pretty much all of you, no matter how many copies you’re selling.

  • @Heywhitney You’re kidding, right? Say you’re kidding. ‘Cuz I’m laughing a little, and I’d rather it be with you than at you.

    Chuck isn’t an agent, he’s an author. And he’s talking about self-publishing anyway, which rather negates the agent rant.

    If you know this already (which you should, having read the post…right?), you got me! Good one!

  • Hilarious post!

    I think the best way to show disgust over the product is not to buy it, and I think that’s how self-pubbing will survive. There are enough discernible readers that won’t buy garbage with crappy covers and grammar wowwies in the description. Those books will sell a total of 5 from sympathetic relatives and sink into obscurity. The top 100, 1000, 5000? That’s where the tried and tested gold will be.

    That’s what I hope anyway. I haven’t given self-pubbing a shot, and I won’t be ready for a while. Hopefully, it will still be around (and more valid/larger in scale) when that time comes.

  • TerribleMinds:

    If I’m not mistaken, top shelfers could make $10.00 on a $12-13 kindle book. If they can make that much via the traditional route, god bless them. I doubt they can (but don’t know for sure).

    As to the “read more closely” … I suggest you do the same (my amendment to the first para).

    As to gladly madly … whatever floats your boat, Hojo.

    • @Charlie —

      It’s not just about the percentage. For small authors, the percentage matters more — but top shelf authors make million-dollar deals. You’re focusing on one aspect of making money — further, while yes, they could make $10 per $12, they also have the added costs of editors, cover designers, marketers, etc.etc. So that $10 drops fast.

      Self-publishing does not open the door to foreign rights, film rights, top-notch reviews and interviews, etc.etc.

      Yes, I suspect a high-end author could secure those things more easily — but again, why? Why bother? At that level, the publisher is doing laps for the author. It creates a very comfortable ecosystem. I don’t know that I’d want to leave that just to become my own publisher.

      — c.

  • OMG, so true. Also, seriously: self-published cookbooks? Badness. There are one or two that are briliant and I love them, but most are the Caesar salad in your beard–old and yucky. Because there are actually a zillion bad cookbooks out there that are actually published by publishers. Those are the pee in the pool. The self-published bad ones are the poop in the pool.

  • Funny innit that being a DIY musician is cool but being a DIY author isn’t… maybe something to do with the live-performance aspect of music? Maybe because image and attitude seem to play a more prominent role (vis-à-vis actual chops) in how we value musical acts?

    I’m not sure it’s much harder to put an album out into the world these days… recording equipment can be had dirt-cheap, and CD replication and distro is readily available as well. And just like self-pubbed books, 96.783% (repeating of course) of that stuff is crap (I should know, I’m a DIY musician who designs his own CD packaging to boot. But naturally I’m in the other 4.3%.)

    Yet still, being a DIY musician is much cooler. Go figure.

  • YOUR JUST JEALOUS THAT I SOLD OVER SIX COPIES OF MY FICTIONAL NOVEL “”THE TEMPLAR DENTIST” IN ONLY SEVEN MONTHS. ASSHATS LIKE YOU DON”T GET IT THAT THE POWER SHIFT HAS SHIFTED TO THE TALANDED WRITERS WHO CAN BE HUGE SUCESSES WIHOUT BOWING TO THE SYSTME, MAN!

    IT TOOK ME ALMSOT AN HOUR TO DO THE COVER TO THE TEMPLAR DENTIST WHICH I DID LIKE THE PRO ARTISTS DO USING PHOTOSHOP WHICH I LEARNED ALL BY MYSELF! THE PLOT OF THE STORY IS ABOUT A DENTIST WHO IS A TEMPLAR NIGHT BY NIGHT AND BY DAY FILLS CAVITIES LIKE HE FILLS HIS SOUL WITH THE LOVE OF HIS DEAD WIFE WHO DIED 400 YEARS AGO. BUT NOW HER SOUL HAS COME BACK AND WAS STOLEN BY A ELF NAMED “ELFMAN’ AND THE TEMPLAR DENTISTS HAS TO HANG UP HIS DENTIST DRILL AND PICK UP HIS REALLY OLD SWORD IN ORDER TO SAVE HER SOUL FROM ELFMAN WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH HER THEN TURN HER INTO A TREE (WHICH IS WHAT ELFS DO)

    I DONT EXPECT HATERZ LIKE YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT SOME TALANDED PEOPLE CAN THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX AND DO THEIR OWN PHOTOSHOP COVERS USING TWO LAYERS WITH A COOL LIGHT AFFECT THAT MAKES THE DENTIST DRILLSWORD GLOW LIKE A. YOUR JUST JEALOUS.

    SOME PEOPLE DON’T NEED EDIDORS TO MESS UP THERE PERFECT WORDS. I’VE SOLD SIX COPIES ALL WITHOUT ANY PROFESSIONAL HELP OR PROFESSIONALISM AT ALL, AND YOU CAN SUCK IT BECAUSE I GOT A TWO AND A HALF STAR RATING ON AMAZON.

    GO BACK TO YOUR STUPIUB WORLD OF STANDARDS, WHERE WORDS HAVE MEANING, YOU ELITIST JERK.

  • I am not a fan of big meanies. Terrible literature (published or not) also sucks, and both of the covers you linked are *horrible*.

    Self publishing deserves no more derision than can be heaped upon an industry that produces crap like Twilight and Harry Potter and considers itself pleased.

    There is no need to be nasty or hostile – the problem is self correcting. Few people even bother to read at all. Fewer still can spell, and most consider books to be junk. Be happy that self-publishing exists, so that something exists in contrast to the junk you get paid 5 cents a copy to write.

  • Agreed on most points, except one. Per capita there’s just as much ass-fume in the self published music and movie/TV scene as there is in the book scene. It’s just expensive to produce, so there’s less of it in general.

    • @Kevin:

      Entirely fair. I think another difference, though, is that the communities there are self-policing. Hard to get a gig if you’re crap. Hard to get your film seen if it’s crap. Sure, you can put it on YouTube, but it’s not like that’s the realm of “real” filmmakers releasing work directly there.

      Plus, it not only takes money, but takes a lot more time to produce music or films.

      But, that said, point taken. The “e-book revolution” has just made self-publishing an ultra-easy path to mediocrity.

      — c.

  • CORECTION: I ACHUALLY ONLY SOLD ONLY FOUR COPIES OF MY FICTIONAQL NOVEL THE TEMPLAR DENTIST, BECAUSE TWO GOT RETURNED. DAMN HATERZ!!!!!!!!!

    BUT THAT WON”T STOP ME FROM FINISHING THE SEQUAL, TEMPLAR ON THE ROOF, WHERE ELFMAN WHO DIED AT THE END OF THE FIRST BOOK DIDN”T DIE AND THEN FIGHTS MY HERO ON A ROOF, WHICH EXPLAINS THE TITLE. ALSO SOME OTHER PLOT STUFF WILL HAPPNE, PROBABLY.

    I”M ALMOST DONE WITH THE PHOTOSHOP COVER, WHICH HAS AN ELF ON A ROOF. NO DOUBT HATERZ LIKE YOU WILL KEEP SPWEING YOUR HATE, BUT THAT’S OKAY BECAUSE TRU TALENT WILL WIN THE DAY!!!!!!

  • first, the comments from a. nonamiss made me laugh!

    so did the post itself.

    i enjoyed reading it immensely. you are _very_ funny.
    i love mockery… maybe it is mean, but it’s _humorous_,
    and would you rather have “mean” which is _not_ funny?

    so good job, chuck…

    now i’d like to see you pick on someone your own size.

    because picking on pathetic people makes _you_ pathetic.
    know what i mean?

    -bowerbird

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