Early warning: like most posts here, this is distinctly NSFW.

And it deals with Christmas.

So, reconcile that with your respective deities, and let us move on.

Last year, I wrote a post about this book I’d read — Santa Steps Out: A Fairy-Tale For Grown-Ups — which was a terribly demented (yet kinda sweet) Christmas story about how the Tooth Fairy seduces Santa Claus and how the world is kind of… caught in the middle of this mess. It’s bloody. It’s downright pornographic. It’s hilarious. And it’s written brilliantly.

I lamented that I no longer had a copy of the book — I’d lent it out to one too many people and on its final boomerang journey, the book sadly failed to, well, boomerang.

Cue to last year, where Robert Devereaux — the author of the book in question — wrote me in response to that blog post, said very nice things, and then made sure I got a hot fresh copy of this book which could no longer be procured. Which meant he had to send me a very nice signed, numbered edition (#958 / 1000). It is now a book I cherish. No joke.

Now, at the time of that blog post, there existed no good way of getting a hold of that book.

However, that has changed.

You may procure a Kindle version for the nice, neat price of $4.99. (BUY IT HERE.)

You could also purchase the sequel, Santa Claus Conquers the Homophobes (BUY IT OR DIE).

I will now begin an annual tradition of quoting from these books. Because they are awesome.

And you also need to understand what you’re getting into.

Here, then, is when Santa remembers first encountering the Tooth Fairy.

He drank her in, all of her carnality at once, glory enfleshed. Her necklace spoke boldly, its wide arc of glistening white teeth sweeping from shoulder to shoulder, large and canine every one. Like rough surf, they slapped cruelly at her breasts, which thrust out full and defiant. Her nipples seemed forever aroused, pointed and prominent as constellated stars, with fire to match.

Her eyes flared seduction.

Santa gave a sharp cry as a shockwave of sexuality engulfed him. He had known of course that the Tooth Fairy existed, had even on occasion cast a kind thought her way. But her sudden appearance in the flesh set of ancient echoes in his mind, brought forgotten aromas to the fore, thrilled him in shameful ways.

“Santa Claus,” she whispered. Her splayed fingers framed the bright stretch of fabric that hugged her sex. More discovering than covering was that splash of yellow, so guileful the gold silk, so tight its stretch from pubis to perineum. Santa, his mouth dry as gauze, watched her arousal darken the cloth from canary to maize to mustard.

I will only add that, when Santa ejaculates, he jizzes white threads that become candy canes.

Go buy the book. Except, uhhh, not for your kids.