On The Altar Of Sacrifice, You Shall Lay Your Cookie Recipes
Does a stage of pregnancy exist which demands that the pregnant woman make cookies? Is it a biological imperative of which I am unaware? No matter, I suppose, because this imperative is here whether it is common or whether it is rare — it seems my wife is hellbound to make cookies this Christmas.
Thing is, we are not people who bake, per se. The apple pie I made a handful of weeks back was my first pie ever. I do not believe I have ever made cake. Or bread. Cookies, though — generally, I can do those without setting fire to things or making little dough blobs that look like gingerbread abortions.
And so it’s time to make cookies. For the holidays. Not necessarily Christmas cookies, though those are certainly in-theme. But we are largely without excellent cookie recipes.
That, lovable and mighty terribleminds readers, is where your asses come in. Well, not your asses specifically — I’m not trying to hold a gun to your temple while I scream, “YOU WILL SHIT DELICIOUS COOKIES ONTO THE SIDEWALK OR I WILL BLOW YOUR BRAINS ALL OVER MY ASSOCIATE.” I don’t know who my “associate” is, exactly. I admittedly just kind of made that part up? I improvised. I went with it. Who is he? Hard to say. Sure, it’d be nice if he was, I dunno, my attache or something, but with my luck it’s probably just an effigy made of broomsticks and kitchen pans with a head made from a mop bucket. I call him “Herr Doktor Janglepantz.” (The ‘j’ is of course pronounced like a ‘y.’)
Where was I?
Cookies that do not come from your ass.
I need your metaphorical asses to provide me with some cookie recipes up in this bee-yotch. I know you have cookie recipes. I know you’re holding out. Don’t make me send Herr Doktor Janglepantz to your house late at night. Whacking on your door with his broomstick arms. Trying to headbutt you to death with his buckethead. He’ll do it. He does whatever I say.
You. Cookie recipes. To me. Now.
Bonus points if one recipe includes macadamia nuts. Because I possess an apocalyptic amount of them.