On The Altar Of Sacrifice, You Shall Lay Your Cookie Recipes

Tornado's Comin', Ma! Does a stage of pregnancy exist which demands that the pregnant woman make cookies? Is it a biological imperative of which I am unaware? No matter, I suppose, because this imperative is here whether it is common or whether it is rare — it seems my wife is hellbound to make cookies this Christmas.

Thing is, we are not people who bake, per se. The apple pie I made a handful of weeks back was my first pie ever. I do not believe I have ever made cake. Or bread. Cookies, though — generally, I can do those without setting fire to things or making little dough blobs that look like gingerbread abortions.

And so it’s time to make cookies. For the holidays. Not necessarily Christmas cookies, though those are certainly in-theme. But we are largely without excellent cookie recipes.

That, lovable and mighty terribleminds readers, is where your asses come in. Well, not your asses specifically — I’m not trying to hold a gun to your temple while I scream, “YOU WILL SHIT DELICIOUS COOKIES ONTO THE SIDEWALK OR I WILL BLOW YOUR BRAINS ALL OVER MY ASSOCIATE.” I don’t know who my “associate” is, exactly. I admittedly just kind of made that part up? I improvised. I went with it. Who is he? Hard to say. Sure, it’d be nice if he was, I dunno, my attache or something, but with my luck it’s probably just an effigy made of broomsticks and kitchen pans with a head made from a mop bucket. I call him “Herr Doktor Janglepantz.” (The ‘j’ is of course pronounced like a ‘y.’)

Where was I?

Ahh, right.

Cookies that do not come from your ass.

I need your metaphorical asses to provide me with some cookie recipes up in this bee-yotch. I know you have cookie recipes. I know you’re holding out. Don’t make me send Herr Doktor Janglepantz to your house late at night. Whacking on your door with his broomstick arms. Trying to headbutt you to death with his buckethead. He’ll do it. He does whatever I say.

You. Cookie recipes. To me. Now.

Bonus points if one recipe includes macadamia nuts. Because I possess an apocalyptic amount of them.

21 comments

  • The only cookies we make this time of the year are fig cookies, so no macadamia nuts.

    Each individual cookie takes about ten minutes to make.

    If you want to make cookies every weekend until Christmas, I’ve got the recipe for you; otherwise, you know somebody’s gonna share a great recipe with macadamia nuts! (And we’ll all rush to make them because the only thing that makes cookies better than just being cookies are macadamia nuts.)

  • For years now, I have made an absurd amount of cookies each December to supply parties, to give as gifts, to keep the husband sugared up…

    So, are you looking for drop cookies (stuff you can spoon out of a bowl, scrape onto a pan, and eat 10-15 minutes later); the kind that involve rolling and cutting; or odd non-cookie “cookies” like lemon bars? Do you want something you can decorate? Do you want something you can do while drunk? Vegan? Organic?

    (I’m not sure how many recipes I have that involve nuts, but you can always add nuts to chocolate chip.)

  • I’m not much of a baker, either, and I’m at high altitude, so I just pick something out of “Pie in the Sky” and go to it. I have yet to turn out a personally satisfactory chocolate chip cookie. Freaking altitude.

    However, I have a pass-out-from-pleasure cheesecake recipe that I make when I need to make reliable food for people who want dessert. Email me if you wants it. I should really post it, but I’m lazy.

    I also have a good pecan pie recipe, here: http://foodie.deannaknippling.com/?p=1065 Secret ingredients are honey and cayenne.

  • Unlike the other TMeeps, I am a baker (I prefer it to cooking). Unfortunately for you, I have a crappy little kitchen and haven’t baked in quite a while, so all of my family’s delicious cookies are locked away in the vaults of my mother’s head. And some of these cookies are pretty exact (especially the Italian almond lemon balls (perhaps the only cookie in the world in which a person can eat just one)).

    I do have a recipe on hand for graham cracker pralines. Not quite a cookie, not quite macadamia – but pecans are good. Now, this recipe is untested, so I can’t promise it’ll be good.

    Set der HotBox to 350. Take your graham crackers and cover the bottom of a cookie sheet. Bring to a boil 1c firmly packed brown sugar and 1c of butter in a saucepan. Let it bubble for 2 minutes. Take off the heat and stir in 1c of chopped pecans. Pour over the graham crackers and spread it even. Bake for 10 minutes. Let it cool, then bust that sucker apart.

  • I don’t know what your limit of labor-intensity on cookies is, but if you don’t mind stirring, rolling, and cookie-cuttering, I can hook you up with my Grandma’s sugar cookie recipe. Best sugar cookies ever, if you ask me.

  • These aren’t cookies, but they are the best damn Occasion Brownies ever. You can tell, because they require enough butter to clog the heart of a post-lesson Grinch and have an ingredient with a little mark over an e.

    Bottom layer:

    ½ cup butter, softened
    1 cup sugar
    4 eggs, beaten
    1 teaspoon vanilla extract
    1 cup flour
    1/2 teaspoon salt
    1 (16 ounces?) can chocolate syrup

    Heat the oven to 350. Thoroughly grease a 13×9 pan—if you want to be sure, coat it with cocoa powder.

    Cream butter, add sugar; beat until fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time, beat well after each addition. Add the flour and salt. Pour in the syrup and marvel at the sight of the chocolate merging with the rich, yellow batter. Blink, and stir in vanilla.

    Pour the batter into the pan, which I hope you greased and maybe coated, or you will be cursing at the top of your lungs when you take out the bars in about 25 minutes.
    Cool completely. I’m not kidding about this.

    Middle layer:

    2 cups powdered sugar
    1/2 cup of butter, softened (not kidding about this)
    2 tablespoons crème de menthe

    Beat these together until they go smooth and yummy. If you don’t want to do the crème de menthe thing, because you can’t buy just two tablespoons of the stuff, you can use peppermint extract and food coloring or experiment with other flavorings—spiced rum is awesome.

    Once the bottom layer is completely cool (still not kidding), spread it with the middle layer.

    Top layer:

    Melt 6 ounces chocolate chips with 6 tablespoons butter—I set a small metal bowl over a saucepan of simmering water and whisk, but suit yourself. I also sometimes do this with 12 ounces of chips and 10 tablespoons of butter. Your choice.

    Pour the top layer over the middle layer. You can drizzle if you want (this is not a euphemism), but I prefer a nice, thick chocolate slab over the crème. Let the chocolate set or things will get messy.

    I hate recipes that tell you they make 30 brownies in .5 x .25 squares, so cut ‘em the way you want. But be warned—they’re rich!

  • Grandma Howser’s Ginger Cookies (from Southern Living Progressive Farmer – Cookies and Candy Cookbook)

    3/4 cup shortening
    2 1/2 cup sugar
    2 eggs, well beaten
    1 1/2 cup dark molasses
    grated rind of 1 lemon
    grated rind of 1 orange
    4 tsp. cinnamon
    2 tsp. ginger
    1 tsp. nutmeg
    1 tsp. cloves
    1 tsp. allspice
    2 tsp. baking soda
    8 cups (about) flour

    Cream the shortening and sugar in a bowl and stir in eggs, then molasses and grated rinds. Mix the spices and soda with half the flour and stir into creamed mixture. Add enough remaining flour to make medium-stiff dough and chill. (chill for at least 4 hours, overnight is great – Sabrina) Roll out very thin on a floured surface and cut with cookie cutter. Place on a greased cookie sheet. Bake in 350-degree oven for 8 to 10 minutes. Store in tightly covered container. 28 dozen.

  • Alton Brown from Good Eats has a recipe for macadamia topped macaroons here: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paradise-macaroons-recipe/index.html

    There’s even a video. I’ve made them for two years now and they are amazing (though I use pecans since I’ve got those in apocalyptic quantities).

    I made these brandied eggnog cookies for the first time this year, and I am a huge fan of any filling or frosting flavored with liquor. They practically melt in both mouth and tummy. http://cooking-books.blogspot.com/2008/12/apple-brandied-eggnog-cookies.html

  • I’ve never left a comment before, but I must say, I am here day in and day out to find out exactly how and what we will be threatened for. What can I say, I’m a psuedo-masochist. But for this one, I decided to respond. I work in a bakery, so I find this to be up my alley, unlike the writing which I piddle with in off time. So here are a couple I have with macadamia nuts:

    White Chocolate Chip Macadamia Nut Cookies

    1/2 cup (1 stick) butter at room temperature
    1/3 cup sugar
    1/3 cup light brown sugar
    1 large egg
    1 teaspoon vanilla extract
    1 cup all-purpose flour
    1/2 teaspoon baking soda
    scant 1/4 teaspoon salt
    6 ounces white chocolate, coarsely chopped (or 6-ounce package white chocolate pieces)
    3/4 cup macadamia nuts broken into halves
    You can also add 1 1/2 cups dried cranberries for festive purposes
    Preheat oven to 375°F.
    Sift together the sifted flour, baking soda and salt. Set aside.
    With an electric mixer, beat the butter, both sugars, egg and vanilla at high speed until fluffy, stopping once to scrape down sides of bowl, about 1 minute.
    Add the flour, baking soda and salt, and mix until just combined. Stir in the white chocolate and nuts.
    Mound dough by 1/3 cupfuls onto lightly greased baking sheet, spacing about 3 inches apart. Bake until light brown around the edges, 15 to 18 minutes. Cool on cookie sheet for 3 minutes. Transfer to rack and cool completely. Store in airtight container. Makes 8 to 10 large cookies.

    Pineapple Macadamia Nut Cookies
    1/2 cup shortening
    1/2 cup sugar
    1/2 cup light brown sugar, packed
    1 egg
    1/2 teaspoon vanilla
    2 cups flour, stir before measuring
    1 teaspoon baking powder
    1/2 teaspoon salt
    1/2 cup chopped macadamia nuts
    1 cup (8 ounce can) crushed pineapple, undrained
    Preparation:
    Cream shortening and sugars; beat in egg and vanilla. Sift together dry ingredients; add to creamed mixture alternately with pineapple. Fold in chopped macadamia nuts. Drop by teaspoonfuls 4 inches apart onto greased baking sheets.
    Bake at 350° for 15 minutes, or until set and lightly browned.

    Also, not a cookie, but here’s a link to Garlicky Habanero Macadamia Nuts.
    http://www.marthastewart.com/recipe/garlicky-habanero-macadamia-nuts

    :) Enjoy!

  • Monster Cookies
    (gluten free)

    1/2 cup (1 stick) butter
    1 & 1/2 cups brown sugar
    1 cup white sugar
    3 eggs
    1 teaspoon vanilla
    1 teaspoon pancake syrup
    2 teaspoons baking soda
    1 & 1/2 cups peanut butter
    4 & 1/2 cups old fashioned oats (not the quick cook kind)
    1/2 cup chocolate chips
    1/2 a large bag of M&Ms
    Hell, throw in the macadamia nuts too, let’s say 1/2 cup

    Preheat oven to 350º. Cream softened butter and sugars. Add syrup, eggs, and vanilla, and mix well. Add soda and mix well. Add peanut butter (in three or more stages with mixing in between).

    About this time, the mixer will overheat, and you’ll have to resort to hand stirring in the oats, chocolate chips, and M&Ms.

    You can use a large ice cream scoop, but I use a 1/4 cup measure to scoop out the cookie “dough” onto parchment-lined cookie sheets (I use Reynold’s Release Non-stick Foil b/c parchment is too expensive to waste on baking) and pat them into a roundish, even cookie shape. They don’t spread very much when cooking. Bake at 350º for 15 minutes. Move to a cooling rack.

    If you use the 1/4 cup measure (instead of an ice cream scoop) this should make about 30 large cookies.

  • Found this website for cookies recently. http://smittenkitchen.com/cookie-recipes/

    I’ve been baking for years, and now I’ve thrown out my other cookie recipies for these. The step by step directions help out those who do not bake. I usually follow the directions carefully, but when they tell me to use a wooden spoon to do something, I ignore them. I didn’t see any macadamia nut recipies, but you could use those in place of other nuts.

  • take any chocolate chip cookie recipe and add to it:
    chocolate chips
    coffee beans
    rolled oats
    pecans or other nuts
    but before you add them you must first pulverize them in a thingeemabobber so that the whole cookie is sorta crunchy-coffee/nutty/oaty goodness and there is little bitty bits of melted chocolate through the whole thing rather than just the chips.
    also, substitute the white sugar for brown sugar
    it’s really yummy.
    p.s. –it’s best if added to the Joy of Cooking’s “Chocolate Chip Cocaigne” except I’m sure i spelled the last word wrong

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