Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving, good people of the Internet.

I’m thankful for all of you crazy peeps who show up here either sporadically or day in and day out. You make the Internet more than just a slap-dash buffet of disconnected information. You make the Internet about people, and hot diggity damn, that’s pretty fantastic.

I’m thankful for my beautiful and hilarious wife who is doing all the heavy lifting with, you know, this crazy baby that’s currently inside her womb, karate-punching invisible ghosts for the good of all mankind.

I’m thankful too for that little dude and or lady, because I know not everybody can be so lucky, and I know that it is going to change our lives in mind-exploding ways. Plus, I’m thankful for all the ghost-punching. I mean, really, if our baby isn’t punching ghosts (originally mistyped as “goats”), then who will take on such an onerous task? Only the unborn can protect this planet from the tide of angry specters.

I’m thankful I have a great family on both sides of the fence.

I’m thankful everybody is healthy.

I’m thankful that I’m a lucky slug all around — a happy home, a forest all around me, two dopey-ass dogs, and a career that is never easy but always satisfying.

And holy shit am I ever thankful for the food.

Once you get all that sweet gratitude out of your body, you’re left with a big empty spot, and that empty spot must be filled with delicious Thanksgiving victuals.

Last night, I did a “preparatory lap” with the food, y’know, just to get my body ready for the onslaught of  gustatory delights. And that prep lap ended up as one of the best meals I’ve ever made.

It’s easy. Stupidly easy. But perfectly delicious.

One standing rib roast. Mine was 3 lbs.

Coat it in a spice rub, but be overgenerous with salt. Yes, salt. Too much salt. Pack salt over every square inch of the thing. I also mixed in there garlic powder, smoky paprika, and crack-black pepper.

When I say “too much salt,” I mean, like, a half-a-cup. At least.

Oven at 375. Stand it up on a rack in a pan, throw it in there for one hour. Never open the oven. When that hour is up, turn the oven off. Seriously: do not open that goddamn oven or I will bite all your fingers off. Leave it in there for two-and-a-half more hours. Seriously, even then? No touchy the hot-box, or I will twist your nipples off and roast them over an open flame. Crank the oven up to 375 again and let the roast sit in there for a good 30 more minutes. When it’s done, take it out, let it rest for ten minutes, then slice off the bottom bones so you can stand that sumbitch up, and carve straight down to get your prime rib cuts.

So juicy. So tender. Pink in the middle. Salt crust on the outside.

Had that, some whipped cauliflower, some sauteed kale, followed with a glass of Balvenie Doublewood.

I’m thinking, hey, turkey can suddenly go fuck itself because prime rib? Damn.

So, there you go. A quicky recipe. Not mine — it’s a Paula Deen technique, I think.

Meanwhile, I’ll ask you:

What’s your favorite Thanksgiving food? What awaits you at the dinner table and causes you to start expectorating rivulets of glistening drool some three, four hours early?

Share. (Double points if you offer recipes.)

Happy Turkey Day, tmeeps.


  • My favorite meal associated with Thanksgiving is not, in fact, the Thanksgiving meal itself.

    My mother concocts a casserole with Thanksgiving leftovers that is part turkey, part stuffing, part gravy, part pure deliciousness diluted directly from the ambrosia of the heavens and part highly addictive narcotic.

  • I’m thankful for the fact that soon all will kneel before ZOD!

    I’m thankful for the color blue being so blue. If it was any less a blue it would be green, which is also a great color but I think we can all agree is blue.

    I am thankful for my Mom and for her great cooking. SWEET POTATO CASSEROLE AND STUFFING!!!

    I am thankful that the dead still remain so for another year, giving me more time to prepare for Zombogeddon.

    I am thankful that Chuck Wendig hasn’t realized the poison I slipped in his coffee or that he will pass out before the end of this sen-

  • Josh. GET ME THOSE INSTRUCTIONS. My stomach actually growled.

    My aunt’s sausage stuffing that I make drives all of us insane and the leftovers become small meals and snacks.


    Turkey sandwich:

    Bread. Smear gravy on each slice. Smear jellied cranberry sauce on one slice. Add sliced turkey. A little salt and pepper. Apply some sausage stuffing that you wisely heated up. Top slice of bread.

  • I was going to share my recipe for oven-free aralic turkey, but if that’s the kind of thing you make the day before Thankgiving, I’m heading over to your house instead. About four-thirty? I’ll bring the splotzcrap—it’s good for the baby.

    Eh, I’ll share anyway:

    Get the biggest crockpot you can—no, shut up, bear with me.

    Get a turkey that fits in the crockpot, or get as many raw, bone-in, turkey parts of your choice as will fit—you can also disassemble the whole turkey. Criss-cross a couple of thick celery sticks at the bottom of the crock pot.

    Crack open a couple bulbs of garlic–for the love of all that is holy, don’t bother to peel all the cloves. Clean and chop up a few carrots, or (if you have small children and/or have other things to do) open a bag of baby carrots. Peel and quarter a few onions. Set aside in a bowl and heat up a large skillet.

    Rinse and dry the turkey. Rub under the skin with herbs of your choice—I use sage, rosemary, salt (yeah, I know it’s not an herb, thanks), pepper, thyme, garlic powder, and whatever else Penzey’s sent from their last catalog.

    Pour a little oil in the skillet and set in the turkey or turkey parts to sear brown on all sides—this is why it needs to be a large skillet. Don’t bother to cook it further than the skin, as we’re going for color here.

    Set the turkey in the crock pot and shove all the prepared veggies in every orifice you can find. No— the turkey. Right. Clap on the lid and cook for about 8 hours on low.

    When it’s done, rescue the carrots and the garlic (in separate bowls), and strain the pot likker into your great-grandmother’s gravy boat, shaped like a mutant turkey. Do not allow your seven-year-old to carry this to the table. I shouldn’t have to explain why.

    The turkey should be tender, juicy and beautiful. If not, you screwed up somewhere and it’s not my fault. I’m going over to Chuck’s.

  • We don’t have this Thanksgiving tradition here in Brazil.

    RIght now I’m giving thanks for the movie ELITE SQUAD 2 in 3D, Rio de Janeiro has turned into a war zone, the tanks are on the move. Populars are dying like turkeys in the middle of the gunfire and bombs.

  • John the Great nailed it. Sweet potato casserole and stuffing. Preferences over walnut stuffing, oyster stuffing, etc., are inconsequential. Everything else is just filler.

    In the interest of exchanging recipes, here’s one i just stuck in the oven and is guaranteed to shave a few days off anyone’s lifespan . . . Gooey Butter Cake:

    box of pound cake mix
    2 eggs
    stick of butter

    — mix the above in a bowl and put in a 9 x 12 Pyrex dish

    1 pound of powdered sugar
    1 carton of cream cheese
    2 eggs

    — mix in a bowl and pour over the previous mix, then bake at 325 degrees for 40 minutes

    Might now sound like much, but the simplest things in life are best. It’s like eating a pan of Krispy Kreme sour cream doughnuts.

    Happy gobble day to Chuck and everybody!

  • Screw my recipes, I wanna eat salty prime rib! I’m so making that.

    As for a food offering, I’m not going with a list of spices or such, rather a position. Up. Side. Down. Turkey, inverted. I love Norman Rockwell, but I don’t want a pretty turkey, I want a juicy one. Upside down turkey uses gravity to put all that birdy goodness right into the meat. The bird won’t be brown, but with gravity on your side that will be the tastiest turkey ever.

    Aside from that, I have big thanks for Terrible Minds and Captain Wendig for introducing me to all you fine folk (and two writing challenges) this year.

    Happy TG!

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