The Toothy Nicotone-Stained Maw Of Santa Breathily Whispers

Christmas Is Dead

First, let me remind you: Dan O’Shea knows the truth about Santa Claus, and that truth is you never fuck with the old man. Please, go, and gaze upon Dan’s demented Christmas memories.

Second, hey, Christmas is a-coming.

This is one of the first years in a long time I’m kind of excited for Christmas, though I don’t really know why. Well, I do know why, I guess. Part of it is that we’re in a new house, and this new house will allow us to deck the place out with some goddamn motherfucking holiday cheer. I’m sorry, let me rephrase that: “some goddamn motherfucking holiday cheer, motherfuckers.” My bad. Not nearly enough profanity.

Anyway.

Let’s pretend I’m Santa Claus.

I have the beard.

I’m not quite as jiggly fat, and I don’t look great in red, but hey, whatever.

I’m Santa.

You’re on my lap.

No, no, I’m not going to try to have sex with you. Settle down.

This is all totally innocent.

What do you want for Christmas, little boy-slash-girl-slash-hermaphrodite?

The first person who says “peace on Earth” gets a broken Coke bottle in the neck.

Tell Santa what you want for Christmas. Feel free to be as literal or as metaphorical, as sane or completely apeshit batshit moonbat moonapebatshit as you care to be.

25 comments

  • A part time day job that’s just enough added income to make my student loans less of a burden would be nice. But GODDAMMIT no one wants to hire college graduates regardless of past retail/customer service experience. So, Wendigclaus, it would be nice if you went around whacking these people with clue-bats.

    Oh, and an iPad would be nice.

  • I want a pony.

    I also want the actual DVD set of Supernatural season 5 so I can get all of the extras.

    I want a new kitchen sink and faucet.

    I want a Kindle.

    I want a TV we can mount on the wall because my son is doing his best to turn over this old Trinitron behemoth onto himself.

    That’s the list. We might be able to work the TV and the DVD set. :)

  • You caught me on a day when I’m as ho-ho-fucking-ho-cheerful as a rabid squirrel with a thorn in it’s ass. Arrived at the j o b to an email that I would be staying as long as necessary and preferably even longer. Did I mention that I’m a retail manager on a very small salary that doesn’t quite meet the bills?

    Anyway, enough bitching. I’m making plans to find a source of income that is less time intensive, but can be combined with freelance writing and website income to make up the difference. All I want for Christmas Mr. Santa, is for that to work out sometime during 2011. I promise to work my ass off writing as many hours a day as I need to. If I’m not gonna meet the bills anyway, I might as well not meet them while doing something I’m passionate about.

    P.S.: If that’s not enough to ask for, I’ll take a laptop and/or an iPad. You can even throw in a new 4G iPhone if you have a spare.

  • November 6, 2010 at 10:59 AM // Reply

    Wait, I know this one.

    Wendigklaus: A lesser known elf in service of the Christmas demon Krampus. Did summer internships working for Baba Yaga. Has a thing for spanking. Smells of cabbage.

    My List

    I want the future Blade Runner promised me.

    A Sig-Sauer P-228.

    Multiple passports.

    A Johnny Utah collectible doll that says, “Whoa,” when you pull on its head.

    Chainsaw laser gauntlets.

    A death ray in my eye that can bore holes in my enemies by squinting like Popeye.

    A partridge and a pear tree, because I’ve got this killer recipe idea I’ve been dying to try. Okay, I’ll settle for the pears and not the tree.

    Did I say chainsaw laser gauntlets already?

    A laserdisc copy of The Perils of Gwendoline In The Land of The Yik-Yak. Because, you know, Tawney Kitaine. And her breasts. In French. Who cares if it’s bad, poorly dubbed and makes you want to tear your ears off? It’s an 80′s softcore bondage porn film with TAWNEY KITAINE’S 1980′S ERA TITS, GODDAMMIT.

    That last was from my 15 year old self. Crawls out of my Id every once in a while. Sorry.

    A pony and a jet-pack

    The Delorean from Back To The Future.

    CHAINSAW LASER GAUNTLETS

    A fistful of thousands and a start in a new town.

    Thank you.

  • Lots of pounds of my favorite coffee, bad habit/good habit Transition Superglide (I hear it now comes with free anti-procrastination app), really cute new reading glasses, a fluffy bathrobe, a case of Henry’s, a few really good books, eleventy million iTunes and a Mac Air. <3

  • I want to log on after the Unwrapping Madness and find that every single person who got a Kindle/Kobo/iPad/Whatzit for Christmas/Hannukah/Solstice is downloading and enjoying my book.

    Also, thanks to you guys, I want a Gorillapod, a TV I can hang on my wall, and CHAINSAW LASER GAUNTLETS.

    Oh, and longtime wish here, I want a Klingon Bird of Prey with operative cloaking device, and I want Data to help me fly it. He must be fully functional.

    Stop looking at me like that.

  • Lets see…

    An iPad.

    A hundred thousand dollars or more.

    New State-of-the-Line Sony Vaio Laptop

    iPhone or some other expensive smart phone with unlimited texting and internet.

    Tickets to a writers workshop/retreat/convention for every year.

    Have enough income to move to the USA

    An intimate, healthy, supportive, funny and sexy relationship with a handsome funny guy I will one day marry.

    The cure for ADHD or a method to finally get around it.

    Assertiveness, self-discipline and good time management skills. Also, Professionalism and courage to make my writing dreams come true.

    Pretty girly make-up, accessories and clothes which include boots and coats for when I move to the states and its all cold.

    New hair cut.

    Professional photograph for my website.

    Professional website.

    And last…

    To actually be able to get all this.

  • Since I’m never going to get the army of monkeys armed with zip guns I’ve been asking for since I was eight, I’d be content with an iPad and a bottle of Lagavulin.

    Oh yeah, and world peace ;)

    (But if it comes down to an iPad and bottle of scotch or world peace, I want the iPad, dammit!)

  • Dear WendigKlaus, I’ve been ever so good this year, so for Yule I’d like:

    -a shiny new AR-15, complete with free float quad-rail fore-end and Trijicon ACOG.
    -a more fulfilling job in systems administration and fat raise to go with it
    -an iPad
    -a new desk and a sweet tri-monitor Mac Pro set-up to go with it (so long as we’re dreaming)
    -and of course, CHAINSAW LASER GAUNTLETS with which to defeat mine enemies.

  • I want Peac…. hehe.. just kidding.

    What I’d really like is a house in London,England.
    And a pony…a bottle of Patron, and a Ferrari. Oh and Peace on Neptune.

    And I have been good this year. Well.. good-ish.
    :D

    (Seriously though, I love your blog! Pardon the gushy moment.)

  • My dad is 6 months clean of throat cancer. That lowers the risk of relapsing from 50% to 25%. I really don’t need to ask for much more than that. So I don’t.

    Ask for much, that is. A letter in the mail saying my $7k, 4-hour hospital stay kidney stone is actually covered by financial assistance.

    USB fingerless gloves that you plug in and they heat your hands. No, seriously, they exist. I always have wanted a pair, but I just never picked some up. While we’re at it, slippers that do the same. Well, okay, I don’t know that they exist — but it’s possible. I’m cold! Always.

    A bottle of kahlua. Regular stuff. It goes in my coffee nicely during this season. I’ll settle, or perhaps reach higher, for Bailey’s.

    Um… Peace on earth.

    … Bring it.

  • Chuck Santa Wigg, why do you have a shotgun with you? Are the Christmas Elves on strike again? No, no, don’t po… Okay, I’ll just tell you what I want for Christmas.

    -A computer. Or at least a monitor, keyboard and mouse. I got the computery part of it, but I’m lacking everything else. The computer is shit though, so we might as well go for the full computer deal here. No need for an expensive one. Just something that can go online, write stuff and perhaps play some Civilization.

    -Something to store all these game consoles in we’ve got at this place. Seriously. The three of us put together all of the consoles in the living room. We have a PS1, PS2, PS3, NES, SNES, Mega Drive and Master System. It’s too much.

    -A job. I could work as an elf. You know, abduct interrogative beard snatchers and all that. Perfect good for it. Got references for that sorta deal and everything.

    Actually, there’s a ton of things I’m going to need. Everytime I thing I’ve got a decent idea of what I need, more stuff pops up. I just moved to England, so I’m going to have to build up everything all over again.

  • Seems IPads are the in thing to ask for Santa, but I am not one of those since Apple IIc got beat by the fucking awesome Amiga with its many coloured monitors. I was thinking of :
    a Tesla S electric car.
    A job (for me) which requires about as much input as my being on unemployment does,
    A job for Remy which requires less input than my unemployment, but pays better, because England is far more expensive.
    that my daughter graduates from her OnLine school on time (first senior class of the school, too.)
    a Porsche Cayman, blue, 6 speed, 2006 or so.

    Thanks.

  • What do I want for Christmas?

    I want people to stop talking about it until Thanksgiving is over.

    This “Back to School / Christmas Sale” bullshit has got to end.

    • @Tome:

      Generally, I’m with you.

      But this year, for some reason, we already got ornaments and shit. I think it’s the excitement of the new house and the future and what-not.

      – c.

  • I’d like…

    *A Dremel MultiMax
    *DeadSpace2
    *The time to finish Red Dead Redemption, Fable3 & DeadSpace2
    *A broken Coke bottle in the neck…I mean Peace on Earth

    K

  • All sorts of weird and wacky international coffee paraphernalia (with the exception of that pod-coffee thing that you posted a brilliant comic about summing up my feelings perfectly)… forefront of which is a Vacuum Coffee Maker.

    Good Whiskey

    An H&K USP (not gunna happen this year, need to jump through some Canadian Licensing Hoops first)

    PS3 Games! Fallout New Vegas mostly…

    Oh Hell… while we’re dreaming… A Nissan or Audi sports car.

    For that last one, I would dogsled up to the North Pole and fellatiate Santa for an entire jaw-numbing week.

  • This may be heretical in the land of bearded Wendigs, but I’d be pleased to receive an old style, double-edge safety razor, badger-hair lather brush, and a cake of quality shaving soap. I’m moving away from the disposable cartridge razors and canned shaving cream… too much cost, too much environmental impact with the materials and the packaging. Who needs that many blades? I’ve been using my grandfather’s 1950′s Gillette Fatboy, but its a bit too much of an heirloom for everyday use.

    Hope the season brings you what you would most like to receive…

  • My wishes are ever so simple:

    1. I want to be able to write as well as Terry Pratchett does, but without putting in years of practice.
    2. I want to be able to shapeshift at will, with no negative side effects.
    3. I want to always say exactly the right thing at the right time, and not think of it three hours later.

  • Awesome blog! Do you have any hints for aspiring writers? I’m planning to start my own website soon but I’m a little lost on everything. Would you recommend starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many choices out there that I’m completely overwhelmed .. Any ideas? Thanks!

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