dirty martini recipe with patron and herbs

You can’t just do that. You can’t put crap that doesn’t belong in a recipe into a recipe and then call it the recipe that it isn’t. That’s like, “How do make chicken cordon bleu with tapioca, sushi-grade ahi tuna, and strips of a tractor tire?” A dirty martini is not, nor will it ever be, a drink featuring herbs and Patron. So, go on. Get out of here. Shoo. Go make your crazy Martian drink somewhere else.

i eat my own beard

Is it good? Do you put anything on it first? Don’t get me wrong. I eat things out of my beard. Get a little mustache ice cream (not a metaphor, shut up), I siphon that deliciousness right into my mouth. A wayward pea or hunk of steak winds its way into my beard hairs — dude. Bonus. My tongue snakes out like that weird Asteroid Worm from Empire Strikes Back. But I don’t actually eat my beard.

But okay, I’ll admit that sometimes instead of trimming my mustache hairs, I’ll bite them. But this is the only time you’ll ever get me to admit that. Shut up. I’m part goat. Leave it alone.