Poi In The Front, Poke In The Rear

A Blue Hawaiian tastes and looks like Windex.
Poi looks like library paste, or the sputum of a grandfatherly goblin, but it tastes a little like sour clay — which sounds horrible, until you pair it with kalua pork or pipikaula.
Poke looks like cubes of raw tuna, but it tastes like heaven’s nectar.
A gin and tonic on the beach tastes like genius.
What I’m trying to say is, just got back from the luau here at the Sheraton.
Two words: “Open bar.”
Unfortunately, those two words do not entirely comprise the reality of an open bar, which is, “I can only make very limited well drinks, and unlimited Mai Tais and Blue Hawaiians.” I finally convinced the gentleman to make me a gin and tonic, and all was right with the world.
The luau itself was fantastic. Once more I embrace the kitschporn of Old Hawaii.
All the hip-shaking and drum-thumping. All the schecky comedy and Elvis references. The foot stomps and the fire knives, the whirling flames, the full moon above, the tides tumbling in, the newlyweds embarrassed on the stage, the people, the laughing, the clapping, the endless line of dinner and dessert.
Did I mention I have a cold?
I have a cold. I can admit that, now. I can stand up at the meeting and say, “Hi, my name is Chuck Wendig, and I have a cold.” Then I add, “Sonofabitch,” and hock up a loogey that looks like a freshly-extracted pigeon brain. Seriously, I spit something into the sink this morning upon waking that looked like a jellyfish died inside my sinuses.
I know, all this sexy talk, it makes you want me more.
MOAR, you cry, I CAN HAS CHUCKBURGERZ (you say in that lolcats internet speak that all the kids love so much).
Then I shake my man-rump. I make a grass skirt out of the flayed skin of my enemies. I make a coconut bra from their skulls. I make a flower lei of — well, flowers.
But I am attacking the cold on all fronts.
I bought a Neti Pot.
I own and am consuming Mucinex.
And yes, I ate a Cold-Eeze lozenge. Which tastes roughly like a jizz-soaked gym sock soaked in a brine of Robitussin, but fuck it, if it works, I’ll take it. I hear good things. Zinc lozenges reportedly halve the duration of a cold if you take it soon enough.
I ate haupia tonight.
Haupia is awesome. Haupia is a cube of gelatinous coconut.
I want a constant supply of haupia so that I may plop it onto my Thai food. And my ice cream. And my naked chest.
MOAR, you cry. MOAR MOAR MOAR.
Shake, shake, shake.
Hula Chuck. Hula Chuck. Fire Knife. Hula Chuck.
Did I say something about “open bar?”
Tomorrow? North Shore.
Hanalei Bay, I suspect.
Be back then, little chimps. Until that time, have a Mai Tai on me.

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