Hula Pie and Puka Dogs: A Retrospective

Okay. I’m not saying I’m drunk. I mean, it’s not like I pissed myself or anything (ahem, yet). I’m really not that bad. It’s just — hey, my lips are numb. And my teeth feel alive.
I just drank a Mai Tai out of a giant tiki head.
And then I consumed some kind of fruity non-martini-tini. Like, they stick vodka and mango and passion fruit in a glass and they’re all like, “It’s a martini!” and I’m like, “No it fucking is not but I do not care PUT IT INSIDE MY BODY.”
As it turns out, I totally dig the kitsch-porn of “Old Hawaii.” You know the motif: the torches, the waterfalls, the tikis, the grass skirts, the flower leis, the blah blah blah. Love it. Didn’t know that I loved it. Thought I had more class than that. Thought I was discerning. But then I stepped into Keoki’s Paradise here in Kauai and it’s all outdoors and shit and everything — including the waitresses — are encrusted with macadamia nuts and greased up with coconut syrup, and I’m like, “Eff yes.”
Except, don’t tell anybody, I actually said, “Fuck yes.”
I ate a fish called an Opah. Also Known As, a “Moonfish.” It was phe-NOM-NOM-NOM-iminal. See what I did there? NOM NOM NOM? Right in the middle of the word? Go ahead. You can have that. Take it. It’s yours. Just give me credit, or I’ll bite your ears off.
Then, the waitress comes up to you and says, “Do you want Hula Pie?” And you say,
“What the hell is — you know what? I don’t even care what it is, yes, PUT THE HULA PIE INSIDE MY BODY. You may place it right next to the non-martini-tini.”
And then this thing arrives at your table, and it’s basically like a sugar glacier. It’s this epic hunk, this Titanic wedge, this *icebreaking beast* of coconut ice cream and whipped cream and chocolate oreo crust and hot fudge and sweet fuck more macadamia nuts. As you eat it, hunks slide off toward the plate — crash! You undercut the lower levels to get at that crust and suddenly it’s top-heavy and then whammo, an entire cliff-face of coconut ice cream slides off like it’s just been bisected by a Ninja Blade. It really, really is glacial.
And then you shove that into your body and you yourself are then swallowed whole by some kind of Diabetes Monster and the Diabetes Monster craps you out into a tiki-skull glass and you realize that yes, yes indeed, this is completely awesome, and you want to leap into the frothing tides and swallow mouthfuls of brine and dance with mermaids and punch-kick humpback whales until they accept you as one of their own.
That, motherfuckers, is Hawaii.
*vomits into a tiki head*


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