Beware Of Writer

The Snake That Bites His Own Tail: The Ouroboros

I’ve seen a meme bouncing around that reveals reasons why you shouldn’t ever date a writer. It’s true, to a point. But I think it goes even deeper than that. Frankly, you should probably get the hell away from us. Anybody. Not just the people we date. But everybody. See us in line at the grocery store? Run, don’t walk. Escape. Avoid. Awooga, awooga. On a good day, we’re eccentric troublemakers. On a bad day, we’re malevolent sociopaths. And with writers, it’s usually a bad day.

So. Here’s a little post to clarify why you should stay at least 50 feet away from us at all times, lest we sink our vampire teeth into your body and drain you of all the things that made you pure and good. See, the things that make us good writers?

They make us awful people.

Imagine a sign around our necks:

BEWARE OF WRITER.

The Glass Is Not Half-Empty, But Rather, Full Of Badger Piss

We are all pessimists, cynics, hypochondriacs and conspiracy theorists. In our fiction, the world must be broken. We must think of the worst. It’s what fuels the fire. Nobody wants to read a story about happy ponies sipping from the molasses pond and then they all dance and have all the hay they want and rainbows and bags of gold and leprechauns and *poop noise* — that’s just pap. Twee, waffling pap. Fiction demands that we go to the well and draw up the most stagnant water we can find, and so we look for the worst in the world around us. We get used to it. We accept it as the norm. We know the worst can happen. We know it because we write about it. Some dude will come up behind you on the park bench and saw your head off. Your plane? Gonna crash. That mole in your armpit? ARMPIT CANCER.

Please Ignore Our Forked Tongues

We are lying liars who lie. We have to be. Fiction is a lie. Non-fiction is, in its own way, a lie. When writing, deception is a skill. This, like so much of the thread that goes into our wretched quilt, trails into our real lives and ensures that the best writers make the most powerful liars. We can convince you of anything. We don’t mean to. It’s just — well, it’s like John Cusack’s character says in Grosse Pointe Blank:

Martin: You do it because you are trained to do it, you have the strength to do it and the courage to do it… and ultimately (pause) you get to like it. I know that sounds bad.

Debi: You’re a psychopath.

Martin: No, no, no. Psychopaths kill for no reason, I kill for money, it’s a job — that didn’t sound right.

For the record, if you don’t like that movie, you’re dead to me.

I lie to my wife all the time, by the way. Not in bad ways. I’ve learned to control my foul serpent’s tongue. Now I just see if I can convince her of truly egregious lies. Like, I once convinced her I was born with a tail? I know, horrible, right? But at least I’m not lying about, you know, real shit. That’s what I tell myself.

You Are Wrong About Everything, Even When You’re Not

We make shit up all day long, and then we must write about that made-up shit with utter authority. It is our job to write with abject confidence in the subject matter. You know in high school you’d write papers that were, as you might say, “bullshit?” And you could convince the teacher of it? Yeah. This is like that. Except we start to believe that our confidence in information extends beyond the written page.

And so we frequently believe ourselves to be right.

Like, beyond the pale.

“Yes,” you say, “I’m sure that the guy who played on the show, Frasier, is Lee Marvin’s son.”

“He’s not.”

“No, no, it’s true. I’m sure of it.”

“I really don’t think that’s right…”

“WELL YOU’RE STUPID AND YOUR HEAD IS STUPID. Remember how wrong you were about that thing seven weeks ago?” We like to do this. God forbid we’re actually ever right about something because dang will we hold onto that like a squirrel with a nut. “I’m right. I’m a writer. It’s even in the word. It used to be spelled R-I-G-H-T-E-R. It’s my job to know things.”

No, it’s your job to make shit up and pretend it’s true. But the lines? They blur.

Conflict And Misery Make For A Much Better Story!

In life, we avoid conflict. In fiction, we strive for it. Except, remember how I said something about the lines blurring? Mmm. Yeah. We get to a state where escalation and drama feel normal. We work to achieve those things so diligently that it’s hard to snap out of that mode. In a fight, we’re likelier to escalate beyond the point of rationality because — hey, whoever is up there in Never-Never-Land reading this Book Of Your Life is going to appreciate your attention to these details. “Yeah,” your imaginary cosmic reader says, “now break that plate! Do it! Kick the car door and put a dent in it! Conflict! Escalation! Drama!”

Of course, no such cosmic reader exists.

Our lives are not big books.

But don’t tell us that, or we’ll stab you in the thigh with a #2 pencil.

Ich Bin Ein Puppetmeister

We control our characters. Don’t believe the nonsense that we’re swept away the Muse and the characters control us. Pshhh. Naw. Nuh-uh. We’re the puppetmasters. And so in life, we get confused when we can’t control you and everyone else around us. Oh, I didn’t say we wouldn’t try, though.

The Writer Is A Creepy Loner

We do so well alone that we don’t always do so well with other people. If we were a dog, the warning on our kennel door would say, “Not Socialized.” Or, “Doesn’t Play Well With Others.” Or, “Will Stab You In The Thigh With A Pencil.” We don’t so much like being solitary. It’s just our natural state. So when you finally find us, we’re naked, covered in our own filth, picking bits of ham and apple pie crust out of our chest hairs. We are basically some genetic combination between “earthworm” and “Bigfoot.”

Bigworm. Or Earthfoot.

Snuggle Up With Mental Illness

When writing, a little dab of mental illness is a feature, not a bug. Our obsessions and neuroses drive us to the word count with the verve and tenacity of a crack-addled howler monkey. Our depressive tendencies, provided they allow us to get out of bed, show us a broken world, and as noted, a broken world is particularly good for our fiction. Our Narcissism and megalomania helps us get through the day by convincing us we’re actually really awesome at this, yeah, fuck yeah, woooo, and then those depressive tendencies kick in again and bring us back to earth and drive us to improve, improve, improve our shit-ass-crap-twat writing. We’re like addicts, pinballing back and forth between uppers and downers, smart drugs and hallucinogens. Thing is, when not writing, a little dab of mental illness is a big ol’ bug and not much of a feature (outside our ability to entertain others with our misery and melodrama).

Like A Photograph, We Will Steal Your Souls

Just as we are liars, we are also thieves. Your life is our fiction. Oh, no, we don’t steal it on purpose. As noted: we have compulsions. That whole write-what-you-know thing? It’s not advice. It’s a curse. Don’t worry. We won’t use your soul exactly as it has been taken. We’ll fuck with it first. Molest it with our greasy ham-hands. Of course, you’ll be reading something and say, “Is that me?”

And the writer will say, “No, no, of course not.”

Because the writer is a stinky poo-poo liar who fucking lies.

Our Writing Is A Temple: Do Not Defile It Lest You Rouse The Anger Of The Gods

We elevate our writing to sacred cosmic necessity. If you befoul the temple with your distraction — even if that distraction is, say, “Hey, I’m being eaten to death by mice over here, so if you could maybe kick a few of these guys off of me?” — you will earn our wrath. “No, I cannot help you with your bullshit flesh-eating mouse problem I TOLD YOU I WAS WRITING JESUS CHRIST YOU DON’T RESPECT ME.”

Last But Not Least, We’ll Try To Force You To Read Our Shit

“Here,” we’ll say, dropping a 50-lb. manuscript in your lap. “It’s my masterpiece.”

“Okay,” you’ll respond.

“Read it.”

“It’s awfully big.”

“Yeah, but read it anyway.”

“Okay. I have some things to take care of first like, say, getting these mice to stop boring holes in my flesh.”

“Sweet.”

Two days later, we return: “Did you read it?”

“OW THE MICE ARE IN MY BRAIN”

“I guess that’s a no.” <– insert disappointed pout.

“CHEWING MY SYNAPSES”

“Pshh. You don’t respect me and my work.”

Then we storm out.

(It’s Not All That Bad)

Okay, yeah, we’re sort of apeshit moonbat, but once we become aware of our, umm, danger signs, we can mitigate our worst behaviors. But still, let this serve as a warning. Writers sometimes seem brightly colored and fascinating, but really, those are just nature’s way of warning you off. We’re like tropical toads. Oh so pretty! Want to touch the toady! Except: poisonous skin that kills with one touch.

Beware of writer.

173 comments

  • Sara

    March 9, 2011 at 3:20 PM // Reply

    But you forgot one thing: the reason why *I* hang around all the beloved writers in my life is: they’re WORTH all that crap! :)

  • Maria

    March 9, 2011 at 8:32 PM // Reply

    This, be it a mere “warning” to other people to stay the fuck away, is a masterpiece. You stripped down the layer of every writer possible and just got out those demons inside us. Almost everything you have said here I can relate to, and I’m just and amateur.
    Thank you for the good nervous laugh (because sadly it’s all true) :)

  • Jenny

    March 9, 2011 at 9:15 PM // Reply

    Oh my god. This is wonderful. THIS is your masterpiece. Being a writer, i found myself chuckling at all the points you were spot on about. Which was pretty much everything. I’d love to read some of the works you’ve actually written for publishing purposes. If they’re anywhere as well crafted as this, well then you’re a damn good writer my friend.

  • carlyhavok

    March 19, 2011 at 3:04 PM // Reply

    Let me first say, this was the most magnificent piece of work I’ve seen in a while. It takes quite a bit of bitter truth and humor to get me to literally laugh out loud. Congratulations, sir, you have made my day, week, month.
    As I am currently in the process of writing my “masterpiece,” SO many of these things are so devastatingly accurate, it’s a little scary. Most people make fun of me for my dramatic outbursts and endless torment of the characters I write about. Glad to see you understand my need for trouble.
    Cheers,
    Carly Havok

  • E

    March 19, 2011 at 8:46 PM // Reply

    This is pretty much everything I’ve ever noticed about my brother… ever… He is an aspiring writer. Sounds like he’ll be successful…

  • Melody

    March 23, 2011 at 5:49 PM // Reply

    You have some interesting things to say, but, as a writer, I can say that you are a bit extreme. Perhaps this is how you view the world, but I definitely do not. I find myself more optimistic the more I write, as if anything is possible.

    Just because bad situations make for an interesting story does not mean that I think that everything in my life is sure to go wrong.

    I write Fiction, but I am one of the most brutally honest people out there. I tell it like it is.

    I do not force others to read my work. Actually, I only let a handful of people read my stuff because only a few people will have anything constructive to say.

    I am not depressed, I am not a loner, and I am not miserable.

    So there is no need to group all of “us writers” into this depressing/negative category because we are not all depressed, hypochondriac, loners as you say. Perhaps you are…but maybe that is just you.

    : )

  • Eden Bradley/Eve Berlin

    March 26, 2011 at 1:08 PM // Reply

    I sort of don’t want my boyfriend to see this…but it’s so fucking funny! Why is the truth always funnier than…um…stuff we make up? Or is that just me? Perhaps there’s a reason why I don’t write comedy. Now you have me thinking, which is never a good thing. *sigh*

  • Romantic Heretic

    March 26, 2011 at 1:16 PM // Reply

    Does the fact that I rarely write any more now mean I’m safe to be around?

    Wait! Wait! My story about the vampire going up against genetically modified black supremacists must be written!

    Never mind.

  • Kimieri

    March 29, 2011 at 11:57 AM // Reply

    Its like you’ve stalked me to write this o_O; maybe that’s why I have a hard time making friends….I really only have 2 and they’re just as full of creative writing as me….

    (it also reminds me that I have to re-write my OWN masterpiece for the fourteenth thousand time….)

  • Caitlin

    April 17, 2011 at 2:28 PM // Reply

    Crap. I just read this whole thing, and realize that it all applies to me. For some reason, my mind allowed me to think this was normal and okay.

  • A much sadder person

    April 18, 2011 at 6:53 AM // Reply

    I realized that I may not be a true writer, as much of this does not apply to me. But then it made me sad as I realized that I have a few select (very select – if you know what I mean) friends that you described. I’m now backing away slowly with the shotgun handy.

  • Dan

    April 21, 2011 at 10:50 PM // Reply

    You seem to be describing the characteristics of the relationships of unsuccessful writers. Truly, I aver, a published and happily-employed writer can be the most wonderful person. I attest with my own life. Stray away from these sweeping generalizations. Writers are a divers bunch, as are bartenders or customer service representatives or humans as a bunch. Eh?

  • Anony-mouse!

    May 9, 2011 at 12:37 AM // Reply

    This is a bunch of writers or wannabes fapping about how well this matches them, and you know what it’s semi-true and so this writer wannabe (being that I am an unsucessful writer in my teen years) felt left out and felt like joining the “Oh yes this does describe me party” being that I have actually stabbed someone with a pen… but I’m sociable, for awhile at least. :)

  • Lindsay

    June 16, 2011 at 11:55 AM // Reply

    I grew up used to everyone thinking (legitimately and honestly –>>>>>> high school nickname) that I was an alien, and I become so used to it that I subconsciously and automatically make sure EVERYONE ELSE I MEET KNOWS THAT I’M WEIRD AND NOT LIKE THEM. Except for the other writers. But we have fun messing with the minds of the outsiders and helping along the belief that we’re all neurotic — not that that was a lie in the first place.

  • sandy

    July 23, 2011 at 1:57 PM // Reply

    loved this but one thing though some of us actually really have disorders etc where are charcters arent a lie…at least not in our minds..
    fun stuff though

  • G. M. Stevens

    August 8, 2011 at 10:16 PM // Reply

    “Our obsessions and neuroses drive us to the word count with the verve and tenacity of a crack-addled howler monkey.”
    I so got that. Awesome. Dead on accurate too. Yikes. Like lookin’ in a mirror. You rocked it.

  • Mike

    October 14, 2011 at 4:30 AM // Reply

    I need that neck sign… 80% of this was true (if you believe that, I have a mountain cabin to sell you in the International Space Station). Now if only I could write more than a chapter into things before the depression sets in and ends it. I may have to dispose of my roommate first. Anyways, great article, I’ll think of you next time I create a horrible dystopia.

  • rhonda

    December 15, 2011 at 12:26 PM // Reply

    I haven’t been able to stop laughing at your truths and observations of who a writer really is at their core. Thank you for spelling it out so clearly. While I am not a writer, my son was born to be either a fiction writer or a lawyer. I knew this to be true when he was five years old and spent a solid 4 hours convincing me with utter conviction and personal belief the sky was really green because it was his favorite color. I feel blessed that he has chosen to pursue creative writing and fiction writing rather than law, although in some cases the lines blur and it is hard to tell the difference.

  • jim parrish

    March 18, 2013 at 8:29 AM // Reply

    Writers do not lie. They merely expose reality. The moment the written word appears on whatever media we use to chatter it becomes someone’s truth. I just lied because it was truth before I wrote. Life is similar to Quantum Theory when we view anything we change its reality. This would lead me to believe writers are creators of truth. Oh! I forgot we are not creators because the reality existed before we wrote.

  • thezackjordan

    April 28, 2013 at 8:31 PM // Reply

    Great article! As a writer I’d rather be alone than in a group any day simply because I’d start judging them and imagine myself some place else…perhaps I need new friends.

1 2 3