Beware Of Writer: Ten Very Good Reasons To Get Far The Fuck Away From Us Writer Types
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I’ve seen a meme bouncing around that reveals reasons why you shouldn’t ever date a writer. It’s true, to a point. But I think it goes even deeper than that. Frankly, you should probably get the hell away from us. Anybody. Not just the people we date. But everybody. See us in line at the grocery store? Run, don’t walk. Escape. Avoid. Awooga, awooga. On a good day, we’re eccentric troublemakers. On a bad day, we’re malevolent sociopaths. And with writers, it’s usually a bad day.
So. Here’s a little post to clarify why you should stay at least 50 feet away from us at all times, lest we sink our vampire teeth into your body and drain you of all the things that made you pure and good. See, the things that make us good writers?
They make us awful people.
Imagine a sign around our necks:
BEWARE OF WRITER.
The Glass Is Not Half-Empty, But Rather, Full Of Badger Piss
We are all pessimists, cynics, hypochondriacs and conspiracy theorists. In our fiction, the world must be broken. We must think of the worst. It’s what fuels the fire. Nobody wants to read a story about happy ponies sipping from the molasses pond and then they all dance and have all the hay they want and rainbows and bags of gold and leprechauns and *poop noise* — that’s just pap. Twee, waffling pap. Fiction demands that we go to the well and draw up the most stagnant water we can find, and so we look for the worst in the world around us. We get used to it. We accept it as the norm. We know the worst can happen. We know it because we write about it. Some dude will come up behind you on the park bench and saw your head off. Your plane? Gonna crash. That mole in your armpit? ARMPIT CANCER.
Please Ignore Our Forked Tongues
We are lying liars who lie. We have to be. Fiction is a lie. Non-fiction is, in its own way, a lie. When writing, deception is a skill. This, like so much of the thread that goes into our wretched quilt, trails into our real lives and ensures that the best writers make the most powerful liars. We can convince you of anything. We don’t mean to. It’s just — well, it’s like John Cusack’s character says in Grosse Pointe Blank:
Martin: You do it because you are trained to do it, you have the strength to do it and the courage to do it… and ultimately (pause) you get to like it. I know that sounds bad.
Debi: You’re a psychopath.
Martin: No, no, no. Psychopaths kill for no reason, I kill for money, it’s a job — that didn’t sound right.
For the record, if you don’t like that movie, you’re dead to me.
I lie to my wife all the time, by the way. Not in bad ways. I’ve learned to control my foul serpent’s tongue. Now I just see if I can convince her of truly egregious lies. Like, I once convinced her I was born with a tail? I know, horrible, right? But at least I’m not lying about, you know, real shit. That’s what I tell myself.
You Are Wrong About Everything, Even When You’re Not
We make shit up all day long, and then we must write about that made-up shit with utter authority. It is our job to write with abject confidence in the subject matter. You know in high school you’d write papers that were, as you might say, “bullshit?” And you could convince the teacher of it? Yeah. This is like that. Except we start to believe that our confidence in information extends beyond the written page.
And so we frequently believe ourselves to be right.
Like, beyond the pale.
“Yes,” you say, “I’m sure that the guy who played on the show, Frasier, is Lee Marvin’s son.”
“He’s not.”
“No, no, it’s true. I’m sure of it.”
“I really don’t think that’s right…”
“WELL YOU’RE STUPID AND YOUR HEAD IS STUPID. Remember how wrong you were about that thing seven weeks ago?” We like to do this. God forbid we’re actually ever right about something because dang will we hold onto that like a squirrel with a nut. “I’m right. I’m a writer. It’s even in the word. It used to be spelled R-I-G-H-T-E-R. It’s my job to know things.”
No, it’s your job to make shit up and pretend it’s true. But the lines? They blur.
Conflict And Misery Make For A Much Better Story!
In life, we avoid conflict. In fiction, we strive for it. Except, remember how I said something about the lines blurring? Mmm. Yeah. We get to a state where escalation and drama feel normal. We work to achieve those things so diligently that it’s hard to snap out of that mode. In a fight, we’re likelier to escalate beyond the point of rationality because — hey, whoever is up there in Never-Never-Land reading this Book Of Your Life is going to appreciate your attention to these details. “Yeah,” your imaginary cosmic reader says, “now break that plate! Do it! Kick the car door and put a dent in it! Conflict! Escalation! Drama!”
Of course, no such cosmic reader exists.
Our lives are not big books.
But don’t tell us that, or we’ll stab you in the thigh with a #2 pencil.
Ich Bin Ein Puppetmeister
We control our characters. Don’t believe the nonsense that we’re swept away the Muse and the characters control us. Pshhh. Naw. Nuh-uh. We’re the puppetmasters. And so in life, we get confused when we can’t control you and everyone else around us. Oh, I didn’t say we wouldn’t try, though.
The Writer Is A Creepy Loner
We do so well alone that we don’t always do so well with other people. If we were a dog, the warning on our kennel door would say, “Not Socialized.” Or, “Doesn’t Play Well With Others.” Or, “Will Stab You In The Thigh With A Pencil.” We don’t so much like being solitary. It’s just our natural state. So when you finally find us, we’re naked, covered in our own filth, picking bits of ham and apple pie crust out of our chest hairs. We are basically some genetic combination between “earthworm” and “Bigfoot.”
Bigworm. Or Earthfoot.
Snuggle Up With Mental Illness
When writing, a little dab of mental illness is a feature, not a bug. Our obsessions and neuroses drive us to the word count with the verve and tenacity of a crack-addled howler monkey. Our depressive tendencies, provided they allow us to get out of bed, show us a broken world, and as noted, a broken world is particularly good for our fiction. Our Narcissism and megalomania helps us get through the day by convincing us we’re actually really awesome at this, yeah, fuck yeah, woooo, and then those depressive tendencies kick in again and bring us back to earth and drive us to improve, improve, improve our shit-ass-crap-twat writing. We’re like addicts, pinballing back and forth between uppers and downers, smart drugs and hallucinogens. Thing is, when not writing, a little dab of mental illness is a big ol’ bug and not much of a feature (outside our ability to entertain others with our misery and melodrama).
Like A Photograph, We Will Steal Your Souls
Just as we are liars, we are also thieves. Your life is our fiction. Oh, no, we don’t steal it on purpose. As noted: we have compulsions. That whole write-what-you-know thing? It’s not advice. It’s a curse. Don’t worry. We won’t use your soul exactly as it has been taken. We’ll fuck with it first. Molest it with our greasy ham-hands. Of course, you’ll be reading something and say, “Is that me?”
And the writer will say, “No, no, of course not.”
Because the writer is a stinky poo-poo liar who fucking lies.
Our Writing Is A Temple: Do Not Defile It Lest You Rouse The Anger Of The Gods
We elevate our writing to sacred cosmic necessity. If you befoul the temple with your distraction — even if that distraction is, say, “Hey, I’m being eaten to death by mice over here, so if you could maybe kick a few of these guys off of me?” — you will earn our wrath. “No, I cannot help you with your bullshit flesh-eating mouse problem I TOLD YOU I WAS WRITING JESUS CHRIST YOU DON’T RESPECT ME.”
Last But Not Least, We’ll Try To Force You To Read Our Shit
“Here,” we’ll say, dropping a 50-lb. manuscript in your lap. “It’s my masterpiece.”
“Okay,” you’ll respond.
“Read it.”
“It’s awfully big.”
“Yeah, but read it anyway.”
“Okay. I have some things to take care of first like, say, getting these mice to stop boring holes in my flesh.”
“Sweet.”
Two days later, we return: “Did you read it?”
“OW THE MICE ARE IN MY BRAIN”
“I guess that’s a no.” <– insert disappointed pout.
“CHEWING MY SYNAPSES”
“Pshh. You don’t respect me and my work.”
Then we storm out.
(It’s Not All That Bad)
Okay, yeah, we’re sort of apeshit moonbat, but once we become aware of our, umm, danger signs, we can mitigate our worst behaviors. But still, let this serve as a warning. Writers sometimes seem brightly colored and fascinating, but really, those are just nature’s way of warning you off. We’re like tropical toads. Oh so pretty! Want to touch the toady! Except: poisonous skin that kills with one touch.
Beware of writer.
About The Author
ChuckWendig
Chuck Wendig is equal parts novelist, screenwriter, and game designer. He is the author of the novels DOUBLE DEAD, BLACKBIRDS, and MOCKINGBIRD. In addition, he's got a metric boatload of writing-related e-books available, including the popular 500 WAYS TO BE A BETTER WRITER. He currently lives in the wilds of Pennsyltucky with wife, dog, and newborn progeny.
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Oh the mouse parts had me rolling. I especially loved that last part with the synapses.
I think it’s our neurosis and quirks that help make our writing relatable to people. Superman is such a hard character to write for because he is such a paragon. Batman is considered more interesting because beneath his raw bad ass nature is a flawed individual whose very actions are both enviable and abhorrent.
Ah, Heinlein would be proud.
Also, Grosse Pointe Blank is a fantastic movie. It and Zero Effect are movies I used to own and they have in common the fact that I nearly wept when I saw their VHS tapes were unplayable. I have yet to replace them.
And when we aren’t writing, we’re editing.
LIke a few weeks back, I’m in the car with the wife. We’ve got a three-hour drive from Wichita to KC, and she’s dictating stuff for her job into her computer using her fancy-schmancy new Dragon Speak software. And I’m trying not to listen ’cause, well, it’s boring, frankly. But it’s a freakin’ car, right? I mean where am I going to do? And I’m hearning these sentences that are too long, or in passive voice or, well, that just offend my writerly sensibilities. So I start offering helpful suggestions, telling her what I’m sure she meant to say, or would have meant to say had her tongue, like mine, been dipped in the magic godly pool of tongue grease at birth.
Eh, a little marital goodwill tip for any of you writer types tuning in. Don’t do that. Seriously.
Dan
@Dan –
Preach on, brother.
Writers: keep your mouths shut. You know. Usually.
– c.
Despite these warnings, I can see one compelling reason why one should associate with writers: They typically have good scotch.
@Marty:
Yes, this will definitely be a reason for the future post: Why You Should Totally Snuggle Up To Writers.
Though, you might have to fight them for the Scotch.
– c.
I find that we won’t shut up about new ideas, also. And we’ll talk about them to the point of causing the people in our life to discover their homicidal tendencies. I have a really good friend, David, that I used to constantly bounce ideas off of (usually while he was sitting at the computer, playing Mechwarrior or Morrowind). After a particularly long stint of me trying to flush my ideas in to his brain, he calmly turned off the computer, smiled at me, and hit me hard enough to knock me out of my chair. He then informed me how he needed some “him-time” and for me to write it and shut the hell up.
Keep in mind, he was (and still is) a friend. He understood that if I trapped him into being my audience, I’d never get that shit written. And he was right.
I also find that we tend to be poor listeners – not because we lack the ability, but because we are constantly one upping what someone else says. Again, that escalation thing.
“Language is a virus from outer space.” – William S. Burroughs
It is my firm belief that writers are highly susceptible to the virus.,We are obsessed with manipulating and exploring language. We are also the primary vectors by which it propagates, evidenced by our mad drive to shove our virus-laden pages at other people.
My brain is riddled with cosmic microbes and I must share them with you!
That’s funny. Those dangers are all the reasons my husband loves me (including the time I went for a regular check up and then convinced him I had uterine cancer. Man, he cried for like an hour!). One has to wonder what that says about him.
The Bigfoot thing is very true. Since I’ve started working from home, I decided to let my hair grow out. I have very shaggy hair, and it’s at that awkward stage where the sides seem the longest.
This morning, the bedhead reflection in the mirror was a tangled thing defying the laws of nature. Even though I patted it down before taking out the garbage, I’m sure with the way I was looking over my shoulder for neighbors that I looked like the famous Bigfoot footage from the 60s to anybody who caught a glimpse.
Walking back to the door, I scratched my ass and didn’t even care…
You had me at “GET THE FUCK FAR AWAY”.
I’ll admit you lost me at “picking bits of ham and apple pie crust out of our chest hairs” (I mean, seriously, who eats ham anymore?), but by the time I got to Narcissism and megalomania, I was picturing your avatar tattooed on my slightly hairy-but-in-some-countries-guys-really-dig-that chest.
Needless to say, this post will be the inspiration behind my next “Kitchen Utensil Sculptures” gallery.
Musing you,
Bschooled.
Shit. I write non-fiction. I can see now that there is no difference. I am an evil world manipulator, and everything you just described is the true essence of my charming personality.
I AM NOT A PSYCHOPATH.
My therapist tells me to say this frequently.
To myself.
I kind of forget that bit.
Alas, so very, very true. Down to the casual lying and the scotch. I find that when I’m on th job, though, with a promise of pay and a deadline, that I’m *nicer* to my long-suffering wife. That’s what she says, anyway. I think I recognise the ‘fuck off, I’m working’ response in myself and over-compensate.
Ah, but I write for children, so I better be nice… except that it’s true, conflict is king, the worst must happen, but to compensate I provide as happy as possible ending.
Bollocks to all that. I’m normal. You hear me? NORMAL!
Bollocks to all that. I’m normal. You hear me? NORMAL!
Says the man in the blood-soaked clown costume.
– c.
I rely on my partner because it is only after reading the latest bit over his shoulder that I catch all the TERRIBLE HORRIBLE MISTAKES and cringe that he notices them the way I should have… if I hadn’t been three months slogging in the word jungles, with a rotting thesaurus and letter-eating mites in my brain.
“Mommy’s writing,” are probably two of the most feared words in the vocabulary of my children. I suspect one day I’ll catch my daughter with her dolls and she’ll be saying, “Mommy’s writing… mommy’s writing… mommy’s WRITING!” and it’ll be the scene from a slasher flick, except with less blood and more stuffing.
Beard!
Uhm, honestly I know not what you’re talking about. I am perfectly NORMAL! *shifty*
That bit about telling others lies and make them believe them? Must be a general creative type this. My husband, who has created a ton of worlds and plots and what have you (but can’t spell and can’t be bothered to write) has, and I really think, convince a friend he was an alien. He’s always trying to get them either riled up or to believe some totally off the wall thing. Heh. Maybe it’s just a guy thing! And I’M RIGHT AND YOU KNOW IT BECAUSE I AM A WRITER! HAH!
Opps. Never mind…. Beard….
A couple of my friends recently said–nigh demanded–that if I ever write a book, they want to read it before it’s published.
I don’t think they quite understand what they just got themselves into.
Heh.
Heh heh.
Heh heh hehehheeeeAAAAH HA HA HA HA!
*cough*
Hi, there.
*crawls back into hole*
“Us writer types”. Oh, that specific faux-self-loathing, typical of a writer.
Come on. We love it that we’re manipulative, judgmental, prone to alter the truth and so on and so forth…
hence – about 1,500 words on how oh-so-bad writers are, by a writer! Followed by a bunch of writers happily chipping in with examples of their own awful behavior.
This is the bad bit – we love it. I love it. I wear my obnoxiousness like a badge of honor, because, you know, i’m a w-r-i-t-e-r. I’ll pick on your grammar.
Yet the world loves us. Pets us on our two heads, kisses our four cheeks. Because really, if we do our job (on account of writing and being awful in person), we make life colorful.
@B-Schooled:
I look forward to the sculpture gallery.
Photos, or it didn’t happen.
– c.
Ana –
Colorful indeed! Like poison-skin frogs.
– c.
The frogs resent your comment, sir
The frogs usually do.
This one was a series of amusing truths… but not all of them were truths. I suppose it varies from writer to writer, but personally, I get controlled by my characters quite often.
Still, it was fun to read
I know. My poor husband.
-Morality.
It’s not just lying. It’s the whole right/wrong thing. We spend our time writing from lots of different points of view, and writing people who can justtify just about anything. Pretty quickly you become the person at the party who will say, “yeah, look, i’m not a fan of donkey rape…but hey, them ancient greeks? See, things change, man. It might be allowed again in twenty minutes. (i have lube with me just in case)”
-Conversation.
I’m getting very bad at it. As with the morality thing, we spend so much time looking at different peoples points of view that having a simple conversation becomes like a wrestling match with the facts. “Yeah, i see what you’re saying, and on the whole i agree, but lets not forget this one time in 973 when….what? No, no, i’m agreeing with you on the whole, i’m just saying there was this one time…..yeah,okay, i’ll go away now.”
Jesus, this article and the comments section is like one huge middle-aged circle-jerk. You people and your pernicious overuse of the pronoun “we” (as though you’re referring to every amateur who self-declares themselves a “writer” as being a member of some big, pretentious, neurotic, obese family) seriously makes me ashamed to consider myself a writer. Is this really what “we” come off as to the rest of the world?? Ugh, time to go drink myself into a stupor and contemplate what I am doing with my life. Hate mail goes to: elmelquiades@gmail.com
How do I manage to embrace every trait of a writer’s personality yet suck at writing? I must be a psychopath then! Honestly I thought everybody was like that? For a paid liar you tell honest truths. Guess I better improve my writing or start killiin’ people, nothing worse then a fence sitter.
You MUST be a Gemini!?!??! Please tell me…I need to know!!! =)
Vonda:
Nope. Taurus.
– c.
Thanks for putting this down, Chuck. Well said.
I thought I was alone in the world until I found this posting!
You are brilliant, Chuck!
Yes, I’m shiny, magical, and there’s a faint tinkling in the air surrounding me. But you better keep your hands off me! That’s no ink in my pen, it’s venom!
Just read my fiction and all will be well….
I dont feel so alone now. Good read.
See, this is how I know I’m meant to be a writer. I stabbed my friend in the thigh with a ballpoint pen (not a #2 pencil, but close enough) when she finished reading a portion of a story that I had labored very, very hard on, perhaps more than my future children (yeah, right), and asked me to remove my favorite part. “It just doesn’t seem to belong here, and I mean, it sounds kind of tacky.”
Oh no bitch, oh no you did NOT.
[...] pretty much spent all night on the NaNoWriMo forums. One of the posts I saw tonight linked to this blog, which talks about why it’s not a good idea to be friends with a writer. That blog links [...]
[...] Give the writer a wide berth @ Terribleminds [...]
Finally a coherent explanation of why I can’t be let out in public. You sir are like a god to me now. A god I will transform into an impotent, cloven-hoofed beast who bites his fingernails and never picks up a check. Sorry man, I’m a writer, I can’t help myself.
I can’t even begin to describe how much I enjoyed this. Apeshit Moonbat. Bam, that nailed it.
Angela @ The Bookshelf Muse
Oh.
D’you think it’s why people avoid me? Mm?
Mm.
[...] 20 reasons to date a writer v. 10 reasons to run [...]
[...] Beware of Writer… Writers sometimes seem brightly colored and fascinating, but really, those are just nature’s way of warning you off. We’re like tropical toads. Oh so pretty! Want to touch the toady! Except: poisonous skin that kills with one touch. [...]
Bah, hah, hah! I laughed so hard I cried! (and yet, should I get myself one of those signs, why do I think that people will think I’m kidding? I know, right?)
Ah, I thank my lucky stars I am a perfectly adjusted rogue scientist and writer. Thanks for posting this. I was beginning to think I might be a little, well, odd. Even my little son, Caligula, has been giving me funny looks but he’s probably just hungry. He usually is.
So I’m normal after all. Everyone has a basement full of skeletons and a freezer full of social workers. What a relief.
I hope there are enough social workers to go around.
Scary, a fairly good description of myself. Except perhaps the ham and apple pie part. Isn’t it weird how most writers become somewhat the same, or perhaps it is just that the same sort of strange, reclusive creeps all become writers? We may never really know.
This was a charming read, thanks very much!
I am a writer. When I read the post, I thought it was funny. When my husband read it, he said it was chilling, as though you knew me.
Of course, I recognized my fiction writer friends immediately.
But we non-fic writers don’t have any of those nasty tendencies. Okay, enough of this Tom Foolery – this Goddamn book isn’t going to write itself, you know…
I don’t have chest hairs but laughed so much I just sprouted one.
[...] It’s a lazy Sunday morning, so I’m going to let the talented and funny Chuck Wendig do the heavy lifting today. I present to you his essay on why you should RUN, not walk, away from a writer at all costs. Enjoy: http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2010/10/12/beware-of-writer [...]
Gee, and I thought I wrote because I like to go somewhere else than here.
[...] A humourous post on being around writers. Funny because it is true. Found here: http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2010/10/12/beware-of-writer/ [...]
I like how that Name Chris guy ranted about all the affirmation you were getting, Chuck…and then, in his douchebaggery, left his email addy to hopefully receive his own self-back-patting slew of comments.
Oh my. This made my day. Loved it, Live it.
I once convinced a friend of mine that I had a robotic eye that only saw in black and white and had to be oiled twice a day.
Why?
Because she said “Whoa! Your eye looks WEIRD today.” And I couldn’t resist the temptation.
I married a writer after reading a post he wrote that was similar to this one. Similar in style, not content… This explains so much!
Damn the man…
Haha holy shit. The whole time I read this I was thinking “oh that’s me. mmhmm that too. whadda fuck are ALL writers like me??” Awesome stuff. Before I read this, I thought about the fact that, hey, good writer’s make up good stories all the time when they write good fiction. Soooo a good writer must make up good stories when they LIEEE. And I also enjoy psychology… manipulating people and acting different every day or every week with only one teacher JUST to see how he acts around me. It’s kinda interesting/funny. Experimenting… with people’s minds…. heh. Fun stuff. Can’t wait to be a psychology teacher.
I do all those white lies allll the time! I’ll stretch the truth or add something in just to make the story or fact or whatever more interesting to the person I’m talking to.
Great post. Funny. Interesting. So true.
*fist bumps*
-Ericka
Well, since you’re not leaving in Europe it’s easy to avoid you! Briljant story by the way…
Bless you.
Thanks for another laugh laced with far too much truth for comfort. I was going to say that reading this blog helps me keep my feet on the ground, but I think it’s more akin to having my legs sawn off at the knees.
That does mean that I save money on shoes and can now walk under low doorways with my head held high with no risk of injury. As a freelancer, it also means I can now physically kick myself in the face rather than just do it metaphorically.
This is mightily fucking brilliant, and I should know, because I’m a fucking writer.
On Twitter I cracked that no one had better show this to my wife, but go ahead. By now, she knows all this about me.
I share the majority of personality and behavioral traits described in this article, with the exception of the apple pie – I’ am Australian and we do meat pies here.
I’ am however, not a writer.
With the obvious outpouring of empathy from writers that this piece had generated, it is clear to me that writing could become the thin veneer of respectability that I have been seeking to explain my reason for being this way.
If I apply for a writing job should I write it in No.2 pencil, or would that blunt the end to much for… Other uses?
[...] I can’t post the full article (thanks for letting me know, Chuck!) so check it out at his blog. I’m posting my two favorite ones! It’s super [...]
[...] http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2010/10/12/beware-of-writer/ [...]
I take bites out of my peers asses.
Some was funny, some simply painfully, true. I enjoyed that.
OMG… you know me! The only other human that knows ALL of my writings is my therapist. Now, thanks to this post, I see why.
you’re telling me i’m not unique?!? oh well.
ugh, bigfoot. don’t forget chipped nails, dirty dishes in the sink and mushrooms in the bathroom.
OMG! I really am a writer then! I’ve been telling myself for two decades that I’m not a ‘real’ writer because I haven’t published a book yet.
But now I now. Being a writer isn’t about what you get published. It’s about what you just MUST get out of your head… and all that other bad stuff that is just me through and through.
Oh hell, i was just in a great mood as I was burying the corpse of the most recent person i stabbed to death with a pencil after they promised to read my work (but didnt) and then I read your post that suggests that my proclivity for writing is more aptly explained by me being an egomanical and immature trogladyte rather than being the 2010 version of J. D. Salinger or Dr Seuss. Oh well, back to licking toads again I guess (insert sad face..or at least my closest memory of a sad face due to the fact ive been on uppers longer than Hugh Heffner)
That was extremely funny and true. I feel so much better about myself. Thank you!
Bwhahahhaaaaaaa!! I’m a person who may or may not be a writer (I’m still making that part up as I go along) but I must say:
YES, Thank You and *CACKLE*
*Wipes away tears of laughter/joy/(insert emotion here)*
Haha, this reminds me of when I convinced my friends I once baked my cell phone into a cupcake, because she told me I had the same phone as her and I was explaining how I could tell the difference between them. She completely fell for it. I thought I was at least semi-normal! Now I realize that I’m only normal to the writing community (if it can even be called that, considering we are loners).
Not to mention the vivid descriptions I give my friends so I can have the pleasure of making then lose their appetites at lunch.
[...] http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2010/10/12/beware-of-writer/ [...]
Pretty silly, self loving little list.
And every comment has that awesome “OMG, that’s so me! Me! I’m a writer!” response.
You forgot that writers fall into two categories: published and well, shitty. You want bat-shit crazy, f-ed up, look at your *un*published writer. All that crap you said plus a twitch that says, “Hell yes I’m packing and I’m going to off that agent who just rejected me.” But like the crocodile man – before he got killed for getting too close to an unpublished stingray – good agents know how to avoid us. That snake at the top? Hell, it ain’t even poisonous! (I can tell because I’m a writer.) Must represent a published writer. I’m an f-ing coral snake waiting to bite someone in the ass. Sadly, I’ve always been this way.
This article is so terribly accurate.
Looks to me like a bunch of writers, above, procrastinating on the Net while avoiding the hard work of real writing.
This is an important post.
so i’m dating a writer and all of this is so him. it cracked me up the entire time. thanks for the laughs!
[...] Why people should beware of writers. While you’re at it, don’t date writers either. (I’m kidding of course, we’re lovely, really) [...]
Damn you, Kirby McGee! i stumbled on this and have to say… dear lord, is that what I’m like?! On a bad day… when i am not checking my ego. Leggo my ego… Help!
This list is everything I am. That’s bad That’s terrible.
In my experience romance writers are the scariest, meanest writers and horror writers the tamest. We get to put those who’ve wronged us into unrecognizable characters (except to us) and kill them over and over and over again in all manner of therapeutically gruesome ways.
And that’s why they nicknamed me Sunshine.
Yeah, I’m keeping this article away from potential boyfriends. They don’t need to find this shit out until we’re legally bound for life.
[...] of dating writers and just interacting with writers in general (see Chuck Wendig’s amusing Beware of Writer post and Rebecca Rosenblum’s Why Date a Writer for an idea). The gist of these posts, and [...]
“Shit, this guy described me exactly!”
Finally someone who got the writer stereotype right.
[...] http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2010/10/12/beware-of-writer/ <<< be aware that this article contains some strong language and brutal honesty (and that warning is why you’ll read this one first) [...]
Gosh! I am NOT a psychopath! I just like wearing bright colors to draw people towards me so that I can roll around in their pain. Man…fuck you. All that work my therapist did, gone. >:D
And “Yeah, I’m keeping this article away from potential boyfriends. They don’t need to find this shit out until we’re legally bound for life,” I agree with you.
I LOVE this.
Do you ever feel like a writer’s only redemption is when he can admit to himself how depraved he is?
Also I think writers view life as a bunch of characters moving towards catharsis, and then “get confused when we can’t control you and everyone else around u” with our version of right/wrong.
Oh and I didn’t like Grosse Point Blank, but only because I read the script first and I think the director fudged the scenes.
MUCH OF WHAT YOU SAID IS SO VERY TRUE ABOUT MYSELF. UNTIL I “STUMBLED UPON” THIS SITE OF YOURS .I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY WRITER OUT THERE THAT THOUGHT;FELT AND WAS THIS WAY. AT THIS TIME DURING MY WRITING STAGE I IDENTIFY WITH YOUR WORDS,”GET FAR THE FUCK AWAY.” I AM NOT A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. MY MOTHER LIVES WITH ME , MY BOYFRIEND OF 16 YEARS WHOM IS IN THE DOG HOUSE WHERE HE BELONGS UNTIL I FORGIVE HIM (MAYBE)WHILE MY DOG REMAINS IN COMFORT INSIDE MY HOME. I HAVE BEEN IN MY NEW HOME 3 MONTHS AND HAVE NOT UNPACKED A THING;MY BOOKS ARE BECKONING ME TO WRITE,WRITE,AND WRITE.THAT TAKES PRECEDENTS OVER EVERYTHING ELSE.THE PICTURE OF THE SNAKE–PERFECT. I AM 1/2 NATIVE AMERICAN AND ONE OF MY NATIVE AMERICAN MEDICINES IS THAT OF A SNAKE;IN CHINESE IT IS ALSO SNAKE “A DOUBLE HEADED RATTLESNAKE CAN BE DEADLY TO PISS OFF”AND SO MY WORDS WHEN PISSED OFF ARE VERY VENOMOUSNESS SO NEVER PISS OFF A WRITER WHOM IS OF NATIVE AMERICAN DECENT AND HER PERSON MEDICINE IS THAT OF A SNAKE THANK YOU, OH CRAZY ONE WITH A PEN FOR YOUR INSIGHT; YOUR CONFORMATION AND YOUR BLOG SITE. SHARON WHITESPIRINGLAUGHING.
I agree with like… a lot of it most of the time. Or some of the time. I really can’t make up my mind. I try to act “normal” and all (which is pretty weird) but as soon as that writer sense kicks in… I twitch. NEED. TO. WRITE. It’s just this… thing that comes over me. Thankfully, my best friends have come to accept this little function as a part of my personality. As a matter of fact… my forcing them to read my works has actually gotten them to LIKE it. I’m quite content with this. Until they find a typo. THEN MY WRATH OF ANGRY WRITER-NESS UNLEASHES UPON THEM.
And then there’s my significant other. He’s twitchy… but yet he has the same thing with taking pictures. So he understands. Ish. I’ve tried convincing him I’ve got sociopathic tendencies… that I tend to fall off my rocker sometimes…. Etc., etc. His response? “I’ll take the good with the bad!” Well. HE’S IN FOR HELL. Just saying.
As for the lying thing… I can lie quite smoothly when it comes down to it. Just… not about the real important stuff, y’know? I don’t like lying about that stuff. My not-so-writing-obsessed side of me feels guilty. Which puts me into a depressed hole… which makes me go “F the world… I don’t wanna do anything….” which keeps me from writing. But any general depression I can write, since all I see is just how miserable I want to make everyone’s lives…. Yeah. You see that perfect little family on vacation over there, on the beach? THAT’S RIGHT. THERE’S A SHARK IN THAT WATER THE BOY IS PLAYING IN. THOSE DAMN MEDICAL BILLS ARE GOING TO COST A FORTUNE AND MESS UP THE ENTIRE FAMILY’S STANDING. I like to have my foot in reality when I write. It means I can actually use all of those little details in life that just… rip you off and leave you empty. And defenseless. And just allow room for MORE crap to happen. I like being a writer. It’s fun. I just feel bad for my friends. They have to put up with me.
[...] You have no fucking idea. [...]
I have mixed feelings about this but its a good read.
Not only are writers so obsessed with lying to others, but lying to ourselves. In the story, does the serial killer hide in the shrubbery before attacking? Here, have a lifetime fear of bushes. When I was seven I wrote a story about a green handed monster living in the toilets and pulling kids down into the sewer by their asses whenever they flush, and thought it would be a good idea to read it to the class. No student flushed for the rest of the school year. I’m still proud of that bit of evilness.
hahahahaha i laughed so hard i cried and its all true every bit of it we are crazy time bombs ready to explode we are moody and if bothered while writing will attack or tell you to f off
best thing ive possibly ever read 1,000 thumbs up
After reading this, I now know that this affliction is not mine alone to bear. We writers, by our natures are touched, either in a divine way or simple madness.
[...] 1: Beware of Writer [...]
Crack-addled howler monkey indeed. Srsly, this is awesome.
[...] post in question that caught my eye is “Beware of Writer,” which describes what it’s like being around writers. (There is the occasional bad [...]
Dazzling post! I’ve reposted the link to this (with full credit) on my blog for non-fiction writers, “Hey, kids! Become an author at home in your spare time and earn big bucks!” at http://blog.hedtke.com/2011/01/04/repost-beware-of-writer/ . I’m recommending writers hang out on Terrible Minds.
I’m in the middle of the current book (#27), which proves that I can type fast if nothing else. It beats making an honest living.
Writing can be a cruel beast, although I don’t refer to it as writing anymore, I refer to it as typing. Never date a writer? hmm.. my time spent writing on the computer does greatly upset the wife. On the other hand, I do have a wife, so writers cant be all that bad!
I started reading like, haha, I’m kind of a writer, I’m more of an editor, personality-wise. Then I read the whole thing and was like, shit, man. I AM a writer. Like for reals. Fuck. Now I have to actually write some shit to legitimize my horrible personality.
And you used one of my favorite insult words of all time: twee. Good one.
Before sitting down to write this morning, at 9:30 a.m., I seriously considered having a glass of chardonnay. I questioned my own sanity…and then I read this. (P.S. I can’t wait for your follow-up: “Beware of Editor.”)
This is so true! I found this on stumble.com and so glad I read it! I don’t usually like to read articles but I was about dying from laughter by the time I finished it.
The one part that is completely true about me is the fact that I see danger in everything. I daydream about getting kidnapped so that I will know what to do when/if I am ever taken against my will. I also webmd every single symptom and think it is possibly a fatal disease! All my friends think I am crazy but apparently I am just a normal writer!
Must show this to my English teacher.
[...] Beware of Writer, Terrible Minds This entry was posted in My musings and tagged blogging, Writing. Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL. « Meet Spencer, as he learns the meaning of Pura Vida [...]
I actually do do some of this… O.O Wow….. Great article, so glad I got to “stumbleupon” it. Hahaha
[...] are two pieces on the dangers of relationships with writers: Beware of Writer: Ten Very Good Reasons To…, and Why Date a Writer, which builds off of a third blog post called 20 Great Things About Dating [...]
Oh, this part is so true!
“We elevate our writing to sacred cosmic necessity. If you befoul the temple with your distraction — even if that distraction is, say, “Hey, I’m being eaten to death by mice over here, so if you could maybe kick a few of these guys off of me?” — you will earn our wrath. “No, I cannot help you with your bullshit flesh-eating mouse problem I TOLD YOU I WAS WRITING JESUS CHRIST YOU DON’T RESPECT ME.”
I plan days off to write and hubby decides to take the day off, too. I want to lock him out of the house in the cold! Seriously, gtfo and leave me alone! LOL
“Like, I once convinced her I was born with at tail?”
I think you’ll find it should be ‘a’ tail.
*ahem*
[...] Or, put more succinctly, beware of writer. [...]
Moonshit ape-bat?
haha This is brilliant! And so true. I need to make my parents read this so they can understand that when I say I want to be left alone to write, it means, “Don’t even fucking breathe in the same room or I’ll feed your genitals to a baboon.” I get yelled at for being anti-social, but to be honest, I’d rather spend time writing about my own awesome fantasy world than going out and listening to other dickwads whining about the mundane traumas of their pointless existence.
No, I don’t have many friends. But somehow, I just can’t see this as a bad thing
I was laughing the entire time I was reading this, probably because I know it’s true.
We turn everything into a story – my entire life, I’ve tried to script lives (like you said, we try to control people the same way we control characters) – when I was younger, I often told my little brother what he was “supposed to say” in any given situation.
I also used to take things that happened in my life, and write a story about it in my head.
Loved this!!
<3 Kiersten
And the 11th reason: they are very short-tempered.
Chuck Wendig blocked me on twitter!
Forcing them to read my shit. Yep. Guilty. I use every psychological warfare tool, as well. Check ont he anti-social too, though my excuse is I work with people all day (I’m a therapist) so I don’t want to socialize during potential writing time (whenever I’m not working).
I am, however, funny, charming, brilliant, goodlooking and emotionally healthy with a good assessment of myself.
I would never fall prey to the majority of this list.
*wink*
I stumbled upon this and when I saw it was about writers I could not turn away. I’ve been a big liar for years and thought it would be my downfall and I would die alone and hungry in my apartment. I now realize that I should be a writer and tell people I’m a starving artist, instead of poor and too lazy to finish college.
My parents won’t know what hit them.
i see the writings above are wicked funny…. though they are true!!!!!But i think the writings are artistic….
@Marjorie:
When did I block you on Twitter?
– c.
Chuck:
You blocked me on twitter after I posted this tweet:
@ChuckWendig if you love charlie sheen you will love http://marjorie-cartoons.blogspot.com; she’s da shiznit of the net!
12:05 PM Mar 2nd via web in reply to ChuckWendig
I totally own always trying to drive traffic to my blogs, but I guess it pissed you off. If I go to your twitter page and re-hit “follow,” I get a message that says:
“This user has blocked you from following them.”
Marjorie:
I’ve unblocked you on Twitter. That being said, it appears that the reason I did so is because many of your tweets are very close to being spam — meaning, you just spam people about your blog without actually contributing to any kind of conversation. That tweet you quoted above looks, like many of yours that day, to be a spam tweet, not a tweet from a real person.
So, I might suggest looking at your Twitter behavior if you’re getting blocked with some frequency.
– c.
Ok, thanks.
[...] This article sums it up rather nicely: Beware the Writer. [...]
…We don’t lie! We just enhance the truth, it’s not our fault that it’s so boring to start out with.
I do not lie. I merely stretch the truth until it screams for mercy. Naturally, like any good torturer, I provide none.
I stopped lying gratuitously when the excuse “the fairies did it!” stopped working on my parents. Might I add that this was only about three years ago and I’m twenty-five. Ironically that’s about the time I graduated college. I wonder if there’s a correlation there…
I couldn’t find one point to disagree with. As a writer, I’m offended by that. How dare you make it impossible to argue with you? I’m a writer dammit, I want to be heard!
Will someone please pay attention to me?
LAME! I’m a painter, writer, and musician. Yes, creative folks are strange… but what I see here is the masturbatory, masochistic, B.S. all too common in artistic circles. The living hell is not the only creative font, misery is boring, and mental illness is played out, suffering of all kinds is pretentious pansy -assed social posturing.
And the snake picture…. I’m pretty sure that’s a nonvenomous snake… just saying…
Self aware post-irony is so passe. Pshaw.
[...] “Beware of Writer” by Chuck Wendig [...]
But you forgot one thing: the reason why *I* hang around all the beloved writers in my life is: they’re WORTH all that crap!
This, be it a mere “warning” to other people to stay the fuck away, is a masterpiece. You stripped down the layer of every writer possible and just got out those demons inside us. Almost everything you have said here I can relate to, and I’m just and amateur.
Thank you for the good nervous laugh (because sadly it’s all true)
Oh my god. This is wonderful. THIS is your masterpiece. Being a writer, i found myself chuckling at all the points you were spot on about. Which was pretty much everything. I’d love to read some of the works you’ve actually written for publishing purposes. If they’re anywhere as well crafted as this, well then you’re a damn good writer my friend.
This is absolutely fabulous! I can totally relate.
my mood is lifted…and yes scotch is wonderful…but this is momentary huh?…in my belly
It is impossible not to say i can agree
with you post because i can also relate
http://resihi.blogspot.com
Let me first say, this was the most magnificent piece of work I’ve seen in a while. It takes quite a bit of bitter truth and humor to get me to literally laugh out loud. Congratulations, sir, you have made my day, week, month.
As I am currently in the process of writing my “masterpiece,” SO many of these things are so devastatingly accurate, it’s a little scary. Most people make fun of me for my dramatic outbursts and endless torment of the characters I write about. Glad to see you understand my need for trouble.
Cheers,
Carly Havok
This is pretty much everything I’ve ever noticed about my brother… ever… He is an aspiring writer. Sounds like he’ll be successful…
You have some interesting things to say, but, as a writer, I can say that you are a bit extreme. Perhaps this is how you view the world, but I definitely do not. I find myself more optimistic the more I write, as if anything is possible.
Just because bad situations make for an interesting story does not mean that I think that everything in my life is sure to go wrong.
I write Fiction, but I am one of the most brutally honest people out there. I tell it like it is.
I do not force others to read my work. Actually, I only let a handful of people read my stuff because only a few people will have anything constructive to say.
I am not depressed, I am not a loner, and I am not miserable.
So there is no need to group all of “us writers” into this depressing/negative category because we are not all depressed, hypochondriac, loners as you say. Perhaps you are…but maybe that is just you.
: )
I want a “Beware of Writer” t-shirt, pin and detailing on my car now.
I sort of don’t want my boyfriend to see this…but it’s so fucking funny! Why is the truth always funnier than…um…stuff we make up? Or is that just me? Perhaps there’s a reason why I don’t write comedy. Now you have me thinking, which is never a good thing. *sigh*
Does the fact that I rarely write any more now mean I’m safe to be around?
Wait! Wait! My story about the vampire going up against genetically modified black supremacists must be written!
Never mind.
[...] first “Beware Of Writer” post can be found here. That post is this blog’s easily most popular, having gotten by now over 200,000 looky-loos [...]
FYI:
You will now find live –
Beware of Writer II: Revenge Of The Teenage Penmonkey From Mars.
http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2011/03/28/beware-of-writer-2-revenge-of-the-penmonkey/
– c.
You must be stalking me. Why are we all so damned weird?
Its like you’ve stalked me to write this o_O; maybe that’s why I have a hard time making friends….I really only have 2 and they’re just as full of creative writing as me….
(it also reminds me that I have to re-write my OWN masterpiece for the fourteenth thousand time….)
I feel so much less alone now. I have found my people and we are all batshit freakin’ insane, and lot it was good.
Crap. I just read this whole thing, and realize that it all applies to me. For some reason, my mind allowed me to think this was normal and okay.
I realized that I may not be a true writer, as much of this does not apply to me. But then it made me sad as I realized that I have a few select (very select – if you know what I mean) friends that you described. I’m now backing away slowly with the shotgun handy.
You seem to be describing the characteristics of the relationships of unsuccessful writers. Truly, I aver, a published and happily-employed writer can be the most wonderful person. I attest with my own life. Stray away from these sweeping generalizations. Writers are a divers bunch, as are bartenders or customer service representatives or humans as a bunch. Eh?
This is a bunch of writers or wannabes fapping about how well this matches them, and you know what it’s semi-true and so this writer wannabe (being that I am an unsucessful writer in my teen years) felt left out and felt like joining the “Oh yes this does describe me party” being that I have actually stabbed someone with a pen… but I’m sociable, for awhile at least.
[...] And they’re right. Writers are Crazy. As you can see here. [...]
I grew up used to everyone thinking (legitimately and honestly –>>>>>> high school nickname) that I was an alien, and I become so used to it that I subconsciously and automatically make sure EVERYONE ELSE I MEET KNOWS THAT I’M WEIRD AND NOT LIKE THEM. Except for the other writers. But we have fun messing with the minds of the outsiders and helping along the belief that we’re all neurotic — not that that was a lie in the first place.
This speaks more truth than it should.
Made me laugh so much. I loved it
Synapses.
loved this but one thing though some of us actually really have disorders etc where are charcters arent a lie…at least not in our minds..
fun stuff though
“Our obsessions and neuroses drive us to the word count with the verve and tenacity of a crack-addled howler monkey.”
I so got that. Awesome. Dead on accurate too. Yikes. Like lookin’ in a mirror. You rocked it.
[...] lied. I lied hardcore. But according to Chuck Wendig, that’s what we writers are. [...]
I need that neck sign… 80% of this was true (if you believe that, I have a mountain cabin to sell you in the International Space Station). Now if only I could write more than a chapter into things before the depression sets in and ends it. I may have to dispose of my roommate first. Anyways, great article, I’ll think of you next time I create a horrible dystopia.
[...] of the most popular posts ever over at terribleminds is this one, entitled “Beware of Writer.” He also penned a sequel that’s just as worthwhile [...]
haha!
“But don’t tell us that, or we’ll stab you in the thigh with a #2 pencil.”
My brother actually did this to me!
[...] with writers is a tricky business at times. Look here, here and here for some of the proof. Over and above any cautionary tale you might here from the [...]
I haven’t been able to stop laughing at your truths and observations of who a writer really is at their core. Thank you for spelling it out so clearly. While I am not a writer, my son was born to be either a fiction writer or a lawyer. I knew this to be true when he was five years old and spent a solid 4 hours convincing me with utter conviction and personal belief the sky was really green because it was his favorite color. I feel blessed that he has chosen to pursue creative writing and fiction writing rather than law, although in some cases the lines blur and it is hard to tell the difference.
[...] Beware Of Writer – StumbleUpon When writing, a little dab of mental illness is a feature, not a bug. Our obsessions and neuroses drive us to the word count with the verve and tenacity of a crack-addled howler monkey. [...]
[...] There's only room for one creative type in a relationship or marriage. If you don't believe me … Beware of Writer I wanted an engineer or similar. Someone very logical, analytical and grounded. Because all of [...]
[...] Non-fiction is, in its own way, a lie. When writing, deception is a skill . This, like so much of the thread that goes into our wretched quilt, trails into our real lives and ensures that the best writers make the most powerful liars. We can convince you of anything. Beware Of Writer [...]
When you marry another writer, who loves you like another writer, that means you never have a dull moment and steal one another’s work.