Archive for October, 2010
You want a trip report? I got your trip report right here. No, no, avert your gaze from my crotch; I wasn’t being sarcastic. I literally mean that – “I have your trip report right here.” And by “right here” I mean, “Hey, it’s right down there, seriously, just drift your gaze lower – lower – looooower…” Hah! It’s my crotch! Sucker!
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Motion on the security monitor caught her eye. A man ran a circle around her car, peering in windows, checking doors. He was barefoot, wearing sweat pants and a plain white t-shirt. Cherry hit the panic button on her keychain. The lights flashed and the alarm blared but no one was around to see or hear. No one… except the stranger.
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So, while I continue pecking away at this trip report, let us ponder (drum roll please) the cold remedy. Everybody’s got one. Everybody has their own personal alchemical recipe that turns leaden phlegm into golden light. So, I turn to you, my buzzing hive-mind. Cold remedies. Weirdest you’ve ever heard or tried? Best? Worst? What’s your go-to solution for kicking a cold out of your body?
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We had traveled several miles through swamplands without seeing a single sign that might give us a clue where we were. We strained our eyes when we caught the first glimpse of a sign in the distance. As we approached we realized it was a crudely home-made sign with the word ‘REPENT’ in bold but fading red letters.
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See, anybody can buy a ticket. It’s right on par with bus travel. You know how hobos can wander onto buses? They can wander onto planes, too. So that’s what this is. This is an ode to all those shitheads, to all those fuck-for-brains, to all those asstacular wankernecks who somehow ended up on a plane seated somewhere in my general vicinity.
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