It is necessary for citizens like myself to sometimes hold the truly malevolent accountable for their, erm, malevolency. Is that a word? Hell with it. Literally. To Hell, through the demon’s gates, with it.

One such malefactor is he, the necromancer Johannes Cabal.

Thus, it is time for myself and others to put Cabal to the question. Or rather, The Question. Meaning, we ask questions, and then stab him with shark pokey knives.

You will find the start of this interrogation right here.

For my part of the “interview,” you’ll need to keep reading, right here, right now:

1) You are suspected of consorting with those most diabolical of creatures — the blood-thirsty gutter fiends known colloquially as “vampires.” How do you answer this charge?

Oh, vampires. I thought you were accusing me of associating with estate agents for a moment. Well, vampires, that’s something else entirely. Yes, I have. At least, in the singular, “vampire,” that is. “Consorting” probably isn’t the right term, however, I would suggest “tolerating” is a lot closer the mark.

2) If it is true that you frolic and gambol about with the blood-sucking dead, we must then know: what other foul spawn of Hell make your company?

Well, I’m sitting here with you, aren’t I? But, hold for a moment. “Frolic”? “Gambol”? Take a moment to try to imagine vampires frolicking and gambolling. Can you form that image in your mind? If you can manage it without the cognitive dissonance causing your fillings to melt, then I would suggest that when you say “vampire” you actually mean “lamb.” Don’t be too upset by your profound ignorance; educational standards are very poor these days. As for other foul spawn, yes, quite possibly. Nothing has ever characterised itself as foul spawn, and I would not presume to impose such labels. But, then again, I am not a bigot who finds the dark places in his spirit and interprets them as the will of God, so what do I know? Apart from more than you, obviously.

3) How, then, did you make the acquaintance of such creatures? In what low places do you find yourself most frequently?

Usually by summoning them. It’s a tedious process, but one gets very good at drawing pentacles freehand. As for low places, oh, the usual. Graveyards. Hell. Norwich.

Be advised: you may purchase the diabolical record of Johannes Cabal over at Amazon.  You may discover more about Cabal’s intrepid biographer, Jonathan L. Howard, right here.

(Nifty “next inquisitor” graphic by the truly infernal John Hornor Jacobs.)