It’s that time again, my scrumptious little beef nuggets.

Somehow, the mad-eyed users of the wide-mouthed Internet come tumbling down from darkest shadow and find this here website through some truly puzzling search terms. Get out your bingo cards, and as I call out a new search term — or an old favorite like “turtle penis,” “pauley perrette,” or “motocross man humps balloon animals” — punch your square and get ready for some bingo.

Biznitches.

reasons to love roosters

Here goes:

a) They make delicious hot sauce. Are they the ingredient? Or is the sauce brewed by a cabal of hyper-intelligent roosters? Don’t know, don’t care.

b) “Cock.”

c) In video games, you can kick them.

d) In real life, you can kick them.

e) Rooster anatomy features many fun words: comb and wattle, hackles, saddle feathers, etc. Actually “Comb and Wattle” will now be the name of my pub should I open one somewhere. Sometime. Somehow.

f) Roosters are polygamous. Or, put differently, roosters are pimps.

g) Plus, they dance! They do a crazy aggressive rooster waltz.

good dialogue for my wife

She lets you write her dialogue? Good for you. Try these:

“Oooh, it’s so big.”

“I just baked you these cookies — naked.”

“Would you make me the happiest girl in the world and go buy a trunk load of video games to play while I watch?”

Though, really, that sounds like a two-dimensional wish fulfillment wife. I think you can get much more inventive with her dialogue. With that in mind, maybe go this way, instead:

“I fucked that clown up,” your wife said, dropping the bloody nine-iron on the garage floor. She grinned, her teeth smeared with greasepaint. “Now it’s your turn, baby. He’s in the shed. I got him duct-taped to an old tractor tire. The tool box is outside the door on the stump. You have 30 seconds. Remember: if I win, you clean the house top to bottom. You win: a week of oral treats. GO.”

examples of unladylike behavior

Got you covered.

transmedia killed television

I know, right? Dang, that pissed me off. We just got a new TV, too. Next thing I know, a tide of burbling pixels came punching through our living room window — or is it a “family room window?” I hate that shit — and then swept across the flatscreen, stealing all our channels like some kind of digital bugaboo, some kind of transmedia goblin tentacle. It’s happening everywhere. I turned on the ham radio and heard crackling missives from Topeka, Jacksonville, Nova Scotia — transmedia is killing all our televisions. What next? Movies? Books? I took my View-Master and locked it in a fire safe, just in case. You go to hell, transmedia. You can’t have my View-Master, you sonofabitch. You’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

cannibal melon heads

This is confusing. On the one hand — hey, I’m not a cannibal. But on the other hand, if human heads are secretly made of melon… nnngh, maybe I’m a cannibal after all. Nom nom nom. Skull skull skull.

chuck wendig blackbirds amazon

My secret hope: this search term comes from a time traveler, a Man From The Future, who just so happened to be looking for my (insert wishful thinking here) soon-to-be-published novel. Thank you, Man From The Future. Thank you. I hope you find what you’re looking for. I also hope somebody wants to buy this novel and make it appear on shelves. And, since we’re wishing, I’d like a pony. And a Corvette.

any jobs for goths?

Nope, not in this market. They don’t hire Goths ’round these parts. Visigoths or emo-Goths. Hell, in the city square they have their own separate bathrooms and water fountains. Goths have to sit in the back of the bus. And then mope about it and pout with mascara-stained cheeks.

teabagger goes crazy

Fresh from the Department of Redundancy Department, I see. File alongside “Water gets wet.”

what should I do if I’ve eaten moldy salsa?

Just count the days toward death, my friend. You’re in what they call the “Walking Ghost Phase.” Everything seems okay now. The moldy salsa hasn’t yet taken hold of you. But soon it will. No telling how it’ll happen — it’s different for everybody. Gut churn. Brain hazy. Diarrhea coming out of your mouth, blood from your nipples. Some people just… they just go crazy. Like a teabagger. They tear themselves asunder. For now, enjoy what time you have left. Kiss your children. Play with your dog. Get a hooker.

do not laser your beard

You can do laser, just don’t laser the beard. Let the beard be the laser. Or some other awesome Zen shit.

when your inner monitor won’t give you permission

You have an inner monitor? What does that mean? Like, a hall monitor? Fuck that guy. It’s your brain. Kick that guy in the snacks and throw him into a locker. He’s just trying to hold you back.

when life gives you a friend

MAKE FRIEND JUICE.

pow shellfish!

Band or album? I say “band.”

pizzeria shotguns

Band or album? I say “album.”

hot jizz that came out of th micro wave is pored into a girls ass throat

First: way to type. Second: what is an ass throat? I don’t have one of those. Third: why are you microwaving jizz? It comes out room temperature already. If it comes out cold, something’s wrong. In fact, one wonders if you’re fornicating with a zombie — their seed is both barren and icy. And the semen moans. That’s your first clue: if the semen moans, it’s zombie jizz. Do you just like your jizz to be piping hot? Like, a hot toddy, except with quotes around it — “hot toddy?” Wink wink? “Hey, bro, take off your pants and fire up the microwave and gimme a ‘hot toddy’ if you know what I mean? Nudge, nudge?”

need a quick little pick me up at work

It’s called “meth.” Look into it.

peeing in the ocean vs parasite

The new SyFy movie is here! Starring Richard Marx and Chaka Khan as a pair of sexy scientists in: Peeing In The Ocean Vs. Parasite! And the inevitable sequel: Megapee Vs. Crocoparasite!

ways to excite your man in public

Touch his penis. It’s really that easy. All those Cosmopolitan articles should come down to: “Just touch his dick.” Ten ways to excite your man:

1 ) Touch his dick

2 ) Touch his dick

3 ) The dick: touch it

4 ) Dick dick dick touch touch touch

5 ) Take your hand or other appendage and use it to touch his “special area”

6 ) Touch that dick

7 ) Toque el peepee

8 ) No, seriously, just touch his dick — that’s what he’s hoping you’ll do, stop fucking with his ears or the back of his knee and get right to the “crotchal region”

9 ) Touch. The. Wangledangle.

10 ) Don’t forget the testicles.