Codpiece Johnson And The Two-Fisted Trials Of Perdition (A Contest!)
-
Soon, I’m going to write you poor bastards a Codpiece Johnson story.
I feel bad for you. I do. Because it’s going to burn your eyes with its awesomeness. A hot, juicy lance of awesomeness is going to stab you in each eye, coating your corneas with a sticky veneer of rock lava.
And you’ll do nothing about it. Because you won’t be able to.
That’s just how it be.
Thing is, it’s still going to be work. And damn, I don’t like work. I’d much rather sit and float in my inground pool (shaped like a pair of peacock kidneys), bobbing this way and that in my inflatable chair (inflated by the breath of virgins), drinking my boat drinks (out of a dodo skull). I’m practically allergic to work. Even now, I have a rash on my perineum just thinking about it. A rash shaped like Steve Allen.
Yep. Just like that.
Anyway.
What I figured was, I could at least reduce my workload by a little bit, right? You people want me to be your narrative pack mule and leave the comforts of my distant hilltop estate (and yes, we did just sell our house last night, so say bye-bye, distant hilltop estate, by which I mean, brick row home), fine, I’ll do it. But you’re going to have to share the load.
See? Just like Sam says.The load works like this, mi bukis.
CONTEST TIME!
*confetti, explosions, dancing girls, streamers of male reproductive fluid*
I know, you’re thinking: “Ugh, another goddamn contest?”
And I’m like, “Yes, another goddamn contest.”
Eat it. Eat it with a spoon.
This contest is much easier. Much simpler on your tender addlepated minds. Before I said, “You! Write me a short story! A thousand words! Chop, chop!” Now? Now I command you with a far easier task:
Two words.
That’s all. Two words.
You give me one two-word phrase.
Pop it into the comments below by, mmm, Sunday morning. Two days from now.
Any two-word phrase you want. “Dumptruck donkey.” “Coffee enema.” “Ugly babysitter.”
Get creative. Make up your own.
Slide it into the comments by Sunday morning. Then, that morning I’ll work up another poll and you crazy bastards will vote on all the crazy phrases that you crazy bastards came up with. The top three?
Well, the top three get a prize.
The prize? Well, the prize is I’ll incorporate that trio of two-word phrases into the story. If possible, I’ll even incorporate them in a big way — as big as your tricksyness will allow.
That’s it. That’s all I ask of you. One phrase with two words. (And and, of, it are all words, buddy. Don’t think you can hose me with your verbal slipperiness, as if you were an eel! Made of words!)
*taps watch*
There you go. Get cracking. Tease us with tantalizing two-word phrases.
Well, what are you waiting for?
About The Author
ChuckWendig
Chuck Wendig is equal parts novelist, screenwriter, and game designer. He is the author of the novels DOUBLE DEAD, BLACKBIRDS, and MOCKINGBIRD. In addition, he's got a metric boatload of writing-related e-books available, including the popular 500 WAYS TO BE A BETTER WRITER. He currently lives in the wilds of Pennsyltucky with wife, dog, and newborn progeny.
Leave a Reply
76 Responses and Counting...
Cock Knocker
“Seismic bungalow”
And with that, ladies and gentlemen, we have our first entrant.
BOOYAH SNAP BOOM *jizz streamers*
– c.
Misunderstood gibbon
yub nub
Aggravated philately
Cocky stripper
Self-congratulatory walrus
Ahh, our first hyphenated word. I was wondering when you mad apes would get tricksy.
Well-done, Peter, well done.
– c.
Banana-wielding.
(uh, is that one word or two?)
That’s one word, sir.
And, I’ll add:
Only one entry per participant, please.
In other words: choose your weapon.
– c.
bloody earwig
Mmmf. Damn the small print! I should have seen that coming. Okay, I’m with the walrus. This walrus is final and no other walruses may be entered into. Amen.
Dick Nipple
western whangdoodle
Clitoral emphasis.
Josh just made me crack the fuck up.
As far as I’m concerned, he wins already.
I’m so tired.
OK, how about
Ignited flatus.
Iconoclastic Tort
Fist-fuck Fury!
Pepper and salt the end of that phrase with !!!!!!!11!!11!OMGWTFBBQ!!! to taste.
Rule clarification: Do these words have to be dictionary words or is gibberish allowed?
@Paul:
I’d say gibberish is allowed. Real words are not a strict requirement. (Hell, someone already went with “whangdoodle” and “yub nub,” so I think you’re all clear, chief.)
– c.
douche hammer
Fair enough but I’ve since decided on something else.. I submit “pterodactyl copulation”
Scandalously accordioned
Crotch rocker!
Impudent Queef
NAMBLA Carnival.
(Aren’t you glad I popped out of the woodwork for this one?)
@Stoney:
Your dark and twisted heart is forever welcome in this ruined space.
– c.
excreting singularity
IDK, I’m thinking of clowns that make you wanna cry, a water gun contest that makes a loud pop and splash, hiding the other tortured sounds, and Codpiece Johnson, misunderstood, yet ready to stand for truth, justice, and the elimination of those cheap ass carny prizes.
And if you won’t write the story, I may have to. THE STORY MUST BE TOLD.
Epileptic Epiphany
Also, if there’s no NAMBLA carnival, I will lose all respect for you and punch you.
(Psst… also also, tantric ninja.)
@Daniel:
You must choose a weapon:
Epileptic Epiphany?
Or Tantric Ninja?
– c.
Snake penises.
Sparkly vampire.
Tantric Fleshgasm
shame jugs
Following the trend here.
“Felonious felacio” (or however it is spelled.)
gobblers knob
You guys are giving him layups. “Snake penises”? That’s. Like “and” for a normal writer. I was going to go with “Justin Jacobson” but decided on “adorable pony”. Take that, Wendig!
I’m inclined to agree with @Justin here. You people are throwing me softballs. Profane, befouled softballs. For me, those aren’t even lemons. Those are already lemonade.
Walruses, accordions, ponies, those get a little tougher.
– c.
Ha! And here I thought accordion would be easier because it can refer not only to a musical instrument but also to a certain kind of cartoonish trauma.
Writers dig trauma, right?
“Disco Nuns”
Fine. I officially retract “pterodactyl copulation” and offer “Snuffleupagus antidisestablishmentarianism”
“mighty RAWWWWWWWP”
deflated shibboleth
“smirking aardvark”
The extra “a” is for “awesome”!
I feel like ‘NAMBLA Carnival’ needs to be famous painting? That painting will not, however, be painted by me.
Let me see. Last night I tweeted something and I have no idea what provoked it, so I’ma go with that. It might be the name of a uke-theramin band, but…I’m really …not sure.
MOTHERFUCKING PODIATRISTS.
The caps is requisite, Chuck.
clown-bourne pathogen
That’s right. The British spelling. Deal with that!
arockalypse now
Oh, I’m sticking with “Epileptic Epiphany.” I just thought I’d seed your brain with Tantric Ninjas. (Hence, the parenthetical expression.) Didn’t mean to break the rules.
“Juxtaposed locutions”
Birthday Monster.
(To be sure, I thought of a dozen filthy combos first… I wanted to challenge myself by not taking the first option that came to mind, or that didn’t involve “Santorum”.
I like the mystery in Birthday Monster.)
Irregular ostrich.
…because an ostrich isn’t irregular enough.
Ontological empricism
Womb Thunder
Last night on Weeds, a character was referred to as a “cock-juggling thundercunt” but really, that’s going too easy on you.
Instead:
obsequious mollusk
Intestinal Fulcrum
To be cheap, I might have said “The End.” But, I didn’t.
K
(The End)
Turpentine Corpse
mayonnaise gum
nun fucker
traintrack buttslap
crippled craphammer
paralyzing cumshot
deaf breadmaker
nondescript orgasm
jelly punch
face hurter
holy shitake
slippery sandpaper
milkman’s handshake
gorgonzola gondola
pirate hooker
illiterate mathematician
smokeless smoked-ham
backwards flasher
sumo cartwheel
corpse fluffer
whistling knights
obtuse moose
clandestine open-house
I can not be contained by the rule of 1.
unabashedly insignificant
@K-Bar: Hi! Yay! Nice.
@Griddlelicker:
Those are all lovely.
Erm, maybe not the word.
Even still: choose your weapon. One phrase. ‘Cause I ain’t tossing all those into a Polldaddy list, by gum.
– c.
Out of Griddlelicker’s I choose “Corpse Fluffer.”
My voice counts!
daunting homunculus
Luscious ambiance
Stackable hamsters.
I should have known better than to click here to update myself on the insanity while my daughter is still asleep.
This might have been the best idea ever.
Walked around growling, “I hate people,” yesterday for various reasons.
At least this crowd gives me hope.
“Soggy Burglemeister”
- Slang, sexually tinged term of endearment between rebellious young water elementals
Saucy beefstick
I’m coming out of hiding for this one. Or is it “going” out of hiding?
Anyhoo…ululating Steakum.
I. Can’t. Wait.
I’d like to see what you might do with a CODDLED WALRUS. That is all.
absurdist minge-buffet
i know im late but for your considerable ponderation,i present.
fleshlight mishaps
Far, far late to the party, I know, but as a short-time lurker (just found you a couple days ago, and loving what I’m seeing), I felt the need to at least pop out with one.
Unintentional Buttsex.
Nothing special, but it just has that RING to it, y’know?