Painting With Shotguns XLI: The "Sodomizing Unicorns" Edition
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What Does “Terrible Minds” Mean, Anyway?
Will “The Mandrill From Brazil” Hindmarch asked this over at my Tumblr (tumblelog? do they still call it a tumblelog? am I making that up?), and as a reminder, you can go there and ask me any question you like.So, to answer that.
First, it’s Terribleminds. No spaces. Or, terribleminds. Lowercase. Why is this? I have no idea. It is what it is. Shit gets into my head and stays that way. Like a handprint in quik-dry cement.
Second, what does it mean? To go back a ways, say, ohhh, 10+ years, I wanted a website. That website was possibly maybe sorta kinda going to be some kind of loose literary thing online, some aggregation of writers doing a writerly thing. When I ran a handful of BBSes back in the day, I set up a kind of online writers’ colony called WAR (Writers Against Reality), which was about as puerile and as amusing as it sounds (and I miss BBSes, by the way).
Anyway, came a time that I was buying a web domain and needed one that wasn’t taken, and I always had this thing in my head about how a mind is a terrible thing to waste, or how a mind is just a terrible thing, or if you’re a Ministry fan, how a mind is a terrible thing to taste. And I was like, “terrible + minds = web address!” It made sense since I was planning a site that brought together a lot of broken writer brains.
And then I was like, “Fuck other people! In the face! With a power sander!”
Instead, I ran with a design that eschewed the collective and was just a place for me to rant and rave and — eventually — highlight my slow-growing bibliography.
Then, as noted, Will “The Fragrant Sprig Of Dill” Hindmarch said, “This is not a blog, it is the miscarriage of a water buffalo, plump and bloody.” And I got WordPress, and WordPress allows comments, so next thing I know you people are kicking down the doors with your karate boots and now it’s like a roach infestation. I can’t get rid of you. I’ve tried. Nothing works. To ensure I don’t catch anything, I write all my blog posts and blog comments in a big giant body condom. No digital syphilis for me, lads and ladies.
As a sidenote, there once existed a plan to turn the -minds thing into, well, a thing. Friend and super-villain Jess Gerlach (aka Jessica Vale) put together explicitminds, which now just takes you to her personal site, and there you can see that she’s clearly awesome, what with the whole “I make TV shows and have Billboard singles and you should all bask in the glory of my super-slickness.”
That, then, is the story of terribleminds.
I regret that it features no mythic axes, no time-traveling Kawasaki bikes, and no unicorn sodomy.
Speaking Of Unicorn Sodomy
Shit, it’s as good a segue as any.
I’m told I need to write you people a short story.
Which I will do, in due time.
But don’t think you’re going to get away easy. I’m going to make you silly fuckers do work, too.
I’m going to do another contest. This one will involve you having direct narrative impact on the story itself. I’ll toss up more information later this week. Look for it on, ohhh, Friday, I think.
Keep your grapes peeled.
Short story.
Codpiece Johnson.
Your help is needed.
Word.
The Very Definition Of “Lowball”
No, it has nothing to do with testicles. We got a bid on Ye Olde Wendighaus last night, and it’s a doozy. By a “doozy,” I mean, “Hey, we priced it low and they’re pricing it even lower!” It’s a “punch yourself in the face” kind of price, but it’s also not a price they manufactured out of thin air. The comps kind of bear it out, even though real estate comps are a bit of a dipshit game. We’ve looked at some of those so-called comps, and they’re not really all that comp-arable, but whaddya gonna do? Life is stupid sometimes.We might take it. Hard to say.
The goal would be that anything we lose on this house could be gained in spades in a newer home.
Still, what a suck-ass market. “We paid this much. We put in this much sweat equity. We put in a fence, and some flooring, and lots of paint, and a new roof, and, and, and– oh. Oh. We’re not going to get any of that back, are we? You’re just going to punch me in the face now, right? Right. Okay. Thanks for being honest.”
*punch*
*face*
*sadness*
So it goes. I suppose we should be happy that we even got a bid, since it’s been on the market for… *checks calendar*… well, not even two weeks. In a market where nobody’s buying houses, hey, I’ll consider it.
Expect news tomorrow.
Will we go for it and shove our faces up our own asses?
Or will we thumb our noses at the price and do a defiant, anarchic dance?
Will our “fuck it!” attitude release us from this, our first home?
Or will our stubbornness anchor us to it for untold months and years?
Tune in. Same bat station. Same bat channel.
I Have Not Seen A Single Theatrical Release This Summer
That’s odd for me. Normally, I’m pretty much a summer movie whore. Which is to say I’m like a dog that keeps whizzing on the electric fence, since by and large summer movies are a Pinhead Parade. And yet, I’m forever suckered in by the bombastic pomp and bile-soaked circumstance; I love the carnival aspect, the film-equivalents to batter-fried candy bars. Still, possible I’m learning my lesson over here, I don’t know.
I think this will end with Toy Story 3, which… well, I have to see. For some weirdo reason I just wasn’t excited, but it is Pixar, and I predict that in ten years the word “quality” will have disappeared from our lexicon and will be replaced by “Pixar.” As in, “It’s not quantity you need, Bill, it’s Pixar.” Or, “Goddamn, Shirley, this is some high-Pixar blow we’re doing. *snorfle* Woooo!”
I am looking forward to, mmm, I think three other films after that.
The Last Airbender.
Inception.
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.
And I think that’s it.
Any I really gotta see? Anything I’m missing from my admittedly meager list?
I Don’t Have A Lotta Links, But…
I got one.
Oprah, forever our magnanimous overlord, is giving away TV shows. Please go to the link and tell her to give a TV show to this dude with cerebral palsy, Zach Anner. He’s the tits, this guy. You can vote for him there, and you damn well should. In fact, he’s gone ahead and did a demo for his travel show, “Roll Over Austin,” which I’ve embedded below:
About The Author
ChuckWendig
Chuck Wendig is equal parts novelist, screenwriter, and game designer. He is the author of the novels DOUBLE DEAD, BLACKBIRDS, and MOCKINGBIRD. In addition, he's got a metric boatload of writing-related e-books available, including the popular 500 WAYS TO BE A BETTER WRITER. He currently lives in the wilds of Pennsyltucky with wife, dog, and newborn progeny.
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22 Responses and Counting...
You would do yourself a favour by checking out the original Avatar (or “Airbender” for those of you who consider Cameron’s movie the definite “Avatar”): for a kids show, it has some really good writing, with fantastic characters and great development. Shame about the finale, though: it was as epic as we wanted it, but the proposed solution to the final problem still felt like an ass-pull. An ass-pull that felt so in-line with the characters that it’s hard to imagine any other ending, but still.
Great show, though I am not too keen about seeing the movie.
I’d like to see Toy Story 3 myself, if at all possible. I was 16 when the first one came out. 16! So I remember that headspace and I think I’ll be able to relate with what happens. Which means, being Pixar, by the end I’ll be trying very hard not to sob uncontrollably.
On the real estate front, I was just talking to a neighbor who has had his house up for 14 months. Had it at what I thought was the low end of the price spectrum when he listed it, and he’s dropped the price six times since then. Hasn’t had a single offer. In fact, hasn’t had a single SHOWING in two months. He’s going to take it off the market and wait a year or so (probably should have done that a while back). For better or worse, I think whatever action you’re going to get, you get early. I don’t know your numbers, so I can’t really weight in, but since I assume you’re planning on moving up price wise, my gut reaction is take the hit on this one. Remember, right now you are the lowballee, but when you make your offer, you get to be the lowballer.
I’ve seen every episode of the airbender cartoon (bite me, okay!), and I am afraid the movie is going to ruin it all. It’s already caused quite a ruckus because of the whitewashing of the decidely non caucasian characters in the cartoon.
Good luck with the house that Wendig turned into unicorn paradise.
Exactly what Mayowa said: Avatar-the-cartoon was incredible writing, especially after the first season really got going, and even more so considering it was meant for kids. I want to see the movie very badly, because it does look amazing, and because I loved the cartoon so very much. But on the other hand… http://www.deusexmachinatio.com/2009/04/racebending.html
Having principled stances is really inconvenient sometimes.
There is only one thing you need to know about Codpiece Johnson – what to name the story. As I recall, that name is “Trousersnake Blues”
Also, funky names stick out – my high school chemistry/physics teacher was Anita Gerlach, and I was friends with her children, Scott and April. I wonder if there is a relation? Six degrees of Kevin Bacon might connect our love, Chuckers.
I’m a huge fan of the cartoon.
Huge.
The movie is — well, I hope it’s good, but Shyamalan has sometimes intimated that his instincts are a little off in regards to this property. (In the trailers, you don’t see Aang smiling or laughing. Where’s the joy of the show?) Still, I’m in for a penny, in for a pound.
On the racebending issue — ehhh. Y’know, I get it, I do. It’s a bit of a sticky wicket, but I’m likely still going to see the movie.
I don’t blame anybody for raising a fuss, but I won’t be one of the ones making it. There exist enough roadblocks for me to feel like there’s anything overtly sinister going on. It’s a cartoon, for one. It takes place in a faux-Asian fantasy world, not, y’know, actual Asia. Most of the actors in the cartoon were very, very white. Aang in the show looks white. Kitara and Soka *act* white. I can’t really muster the kind of froth and anger over this. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong to have a stance on it, mind, I just don’t have a strong opinion about it. I’m okay that the movie is directed by an ethnic guy and the film still features some strong ethnic actors.
It’d be different if we were talking about a film that tells the Rape of Nanking and it stars like, Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. To me, this isn’t that.
It’s tricky, too — you have an issue where, recently, a big flap came out that blah blah blah, gay actors should not be allowed to play straight. Ludicrous, right? Same ludicrousness over the flap that that Donald Glover (a black actor) shouldn’t be allowed to play a traditionally white character (Spider-Man). I agree that gay people can play straight, straight can play gay, and a black actor can play a white superhero.
All good. No problems.
So it feels weird to then say, “A white actor cannot play a nebulously almost-not-quite-pseudo-fantasy-Asian. From a cartoon. Where people aren’t even real. And the voice actors were white anyway.”
So, no harm no foul to those who are angry about this. To them I say, avoid the film, and yes, protest. Me, I won’t be avoiding the film, and I won’t be protesting.
– c.
Took my daughter to see Toy Story 3 over the weekend and it was very good. No as good as, say, UP or Ponyo, but good.
Airbender looks cool, but it’s Shamalamadingdong who has some good ideas but weak delivery, so I’ll have to wait until I see if he’s improved his game.
I want to get the Airbender DVD just so I can point to it as my first film credit, one third of the way to needing a SAG membership.
Your points on the whitewashing mimic my own. I don’t really get it.
Ironically, when I met the Aang kid, he was smiling and joyful all over the place. I guess maybe before the cameras rolled, they made him watch The Happening.
I always thought the racebending whistle-blowers claimed that it’s not really wrong for white actors to play “Asia-tique” characters and vice-versa, but that the race-blindness is imbalanced in favour of white people. As in: execs think it’s okay for a white man to play somebody of another race, but will pooh-pooh the idea of a black or Asian actors playing out of their race.
The Last Airbender is just the last in line of many movies that place white people in roles you’d think would be better off with an actor of a different ethnicity.
Ironically, when I met the Aang kid, he was smiling and joyful all over the place. I guess maybe before the cameras rolled, they made him watch The Happening.
Heh.
– c.
I just don’t like Shyamalan. Never liked a single one of his movies. And I’m terrified he’s going to apply one of his ‘tweest’ endings to the story. You know, something along the lines of “Aang, I am your father …’s uncle’s cousin’s long lost Bigfoot.” I have so much love for the series, for the storytelling, and just everything that it is. Shyamalan was the wrong director for the project, full stop. (Don’t ask me who the right one is. I couldn’t begin to tell you.) Plus, like you pointed out, the trailers have none of the joy, the sparkle, or the humor that made the show great.
So I’ll choose to live in a little world where the movie doesn’t exist. Just the cartoon, with Sokka, cactus juice, penguin sledding, and ambiguous deaths of secondary characters.
So, as it stands, the only summer movie I’m really excited to see is Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. Enjoyed what I read of the comic, and I love Edgar Wright. Little meh on Michael Cera as a whole, but I can see why he was cast. Besides, the trailers with the onomatopoeic graphic reminiscent of Adam West era Batman? Yes please! I’ve already got my $8.50 set aside for this one.
Also, I just learnt the Kyoshi warriors will be without their make-up. I do not understand the reasons for this, all I know Othellia of CAPSLOCK_ATLA decided to manipulate a still from the movie to show you how more awesome they would be with the facepaint:
http://community.livejournal.com/capslock_atla/978039.html
Marek: I was on set. There were literally thousands of people. To get all of their makeup in line would have taken a long, long time, and would have required a number of specialists going around and doing it to every one of them. It would have been a logistical nightmare. My section barely had makeup, and it took hours just to get people in their costumes and basic makeup. And we got paid by the hour for the time we stood in lines. I would literally get dressed in five to ten minutes, then get in line for two hours while a lot of other people couldn’t figure out how to get their buttons fastened.
I saw Zach’s audition video the other day and it was awesome! Glad to see him surging ahead with his project regardless of the Oprah outcome.
Dude is hilarious!
The Zach Anner conspiracy? Are the votes rigged against him?
http://www.geekosystem.com/zach-anner-rigged-votes-oprah/
Yeah, I’ve read a lot about that. Doesn’t Oprah know better than to piss off the internet?
I wouldn’t even have noticed the whole whitewashing thing if it wasn’t already such an issue with books and other movies. Not being asian, I am a bit disinterested about the whole shebang, The day Tom Cruise plays a Nigerian, i’ll poop a chicken
I agree about Aang not looking cheerful in the trailer, cartoon Aang is a lot of fun. I am definitely going to watch this movie.
@David A Hill
I am insanely envious of you sir.
You know, I’ve never seen Avatar: The Last Airbender. not one episode, ever. When I saw the movie trailer, it stood out though. Mostly because it was a big budget adaption and I could actually make out what the original source material was. Something that’s sadly a surprise too often with the way they tend to do adaptations of popular shows. I guess I really have to watch the movie.
I’ve seen a summer movie this year though… Or well, a few. I saw Iron Man 2, Prince of Persia and the A-Team movie. The first two weren’t that great, but also not too bad. A-Team was probably the most fun I’ve had in theaters so far this year.
I might actually see Toy Story 3, despite not being a fan of Toy Story at all. Not even when I was a kid and saw the original in theaters with my mom. Still, Pixar makes good movies and I’ll probably be happy I did see it in theaters when I got the chance.
I don’t have much to say since my brain is on the verge of melting into the 1′s and 0′s I’ve been fucking with 14 hours straight. However I have to tell you to go see the “A-Team”. Go right now…run. It was fucking awesome fun.
Also…fuck that low-ball bid. You tell them your price just went up another 5k and if they don’t like it they can have a Coke and a smile. Or you could just take the money and run. My brother has had his house on the market for 6 months and has had 2 bids.
I guess I had more to say than I thought. Oh well..011001100111010101100011011010110010000001101001
01110100
Oh…that Opera thing…we’ve been all over it on Reddit since 5 minutes after it happened. That bitch is going DOWN. Especially now since the special, warm, and gentle people of 4Chan are on it.