My Beard Come So Fat, I Wanna Do Laser: The Goddamn Contest And The Effing T-Shirt

My Beard Come So Fat, I Wanna Do Laser

My beard come so fat.

I wanna do laser.

Oh yeah. That’s right. Got some tasty treats for you here today.

First, I am both pleased and disgusted to announce that, yes, indeed, there is now a TERRIBLEMINDS T-SHIRT SHOP, and available is a t-shirt design for the above nonsense. Spreadshirt seemed to have the cheapest t-shirt models, so I went with them — Cafepress was all over the map and also didn’t look as nice as far as the design goes. So, whatever, there it is. Clicky-clicky. Browse. Buy. Or just wonder at the slow encroaching death of Western Civilization, because all our greatest works have led us here. To this.

Second, time to run a little creative contest. Julie Summerell is running her own contest over at her own site (it involves two words: “Shrivel Tits”) and she’s blaming me for that, so, I figure that excuses me to get away with that sort of nonsense over here.

The contest:

You write either a piece of flash fiction around the phrase “I WANNA DO LASER” (bonus points for including the MY BEARD COME SO FAT line, but it’s not necessary). Flash fiction. Gotta be 1000 words or less to qualify; don’t go sending me a novella and calling it flash. You can put a monkey in a tuxedo, but I’ll still smell the stink of that monkey.

Or, you create an Internet meme graphic using the phrase “I WANNA DO LASER” (once again, bonus points for the beard line).

By Internet meme, I mean anything approaching the LOLCats or Sad Keanu phenomena.

That’s it.

Flash fiction.

Or an Internet meme design.

Or, hell, if you got a third thing up your sleeve, whatever.

The due date:

One week from today. Next Sunday morning, I wake up, I see what’s there.

And then I judge.

That which I judge to be the best gets a prize.

Yes, a prize. I’ll send you a brand spanking new copy of Nosferatu: The Beast That Haunts The Blood.

I wrote it, along with newly-agented Jess Hartley (send her your congrats) and the inimitable Wood Ingham. I will, if you so choose, devalue your book with a signature before sending it off.

If you’re in the United States, you don’t have to pay for shipping. But if you’re some kind of furriner, I’m sorry, you can still have the book for free if you want to pay for shipping. Nothing personal, I just don’t have the eighty billion wampum it takes to get the book to the Mongolian Steppe. You feel me?

So, to reiterate:


Flash fiction. Or Internet meme.

Based around: “I Wanna Do Laser.” Gotta include that phrase. Bonus for including, “My Beard Come So Fat.”

Prize: Nosferatu clanbook. Signed and sent away to you. At no cost.

Judge: Me. Though if a lot of entries come in (probably won’t), then I may pick my faves and open it to a poll. Who knows? I juke left. Feint right.

Open to anybody living in the United States. Open to non-US residents, too, provided you’re willing to kick in for the shipping.

And that’s that. Any questions?


[EDIT: Also, any flash fiction or graphics that come in, just post it on your respective blogs or journals or Faceyspaces or whatever, and I’ll link to it in one big email. Sorry, should’ve said that earlier! I’ll aggregate all the shameful goodness for all to view. Just pop a link in the comments here so I have it.]

Here’s the red laser “variant cover” version, too, to keep your inspirado rising: